HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm baaaaaaaack!!!!!!

Literally and figuratively. I was in a huge funk for the past few days. I became really negative about Mayo, and about the potential results of the brain MRI I had yesterday. It seemed like there was no chance we'd hear any good news, and I just could not take any more bad stuff. I remembered that the Lord is my strength (Ps 28:7, etc.), but it seemed like the part of me that it takes to move one foot in front of the other wasn't strong enough to even lean on His arms.

So we got to St. Augustine late last night and stayed with our friends Andrea and Neenad. Neenad is the one I've mentioned does all my cancer-thinking for me and directs my path. He found all my beloved doctors for me and got me into Mayo in the first place. But he can't erase the cancer on my PET scan or remove it with the wave of his hand. God can, of course, but sometimes it's hard to really feel that when you're down.

The kids cried through the drive then Naomi was up all night, yada yada. Then we show up at our appointment and there's a woman my age standing next to me with a mask on her face. Her mom has to check her in because she can't speak. She needs a pail to throw up in because she's had two strokes and can't hold her own puke bag. "No! A bag will not do! I must have a large pail for my daughter's vomit." I prayed and tried to praise God that I can still hold a flimsy puke bag. The prayer fell flat.

Anyway, I immediately despised the first doctor we met, but she did grow on me. Then she insisted that I meet with a geneticist to see if I got this cancer from a mutant gene. I knew this was an issue, and because it pertains to my children (if I have it they likely will), it is extremely touchy. The other doctors had told me it was an issue to be addressed later, so I was entirely unprepared to face it today. We'll get the results in a week, and the positive part about it is that if I do have it, my brother will know what to get extra screening for, and in 18 years Abigail can begin early screening to catch the stuff before it's too late. Plus, in 18 years the treatments will be much better.

Overall, the genetic stuff and very real cancer patients at the hospital devastated me and I had an awful day. Yaacov tried to get me to focus back on God but I didn't put my heart into it. By the time I met with the oncologist I was sprawled out on his waiting room couch crying and had decided my hope was gone. Sort of bipolar considering how I felt just days before. I kept thinking I needed to focus on something positive but instead embraced the sadness without even trying to go the right way.

The oncologist walks in and doesn't have any new findings, isn't lovey-dovey the way I wanted, and didn't seem to really care about me. But, God was there. And God still answers prayers, even when I fall short and lose sight of what's really important. This guy walks in and says word for word what Yaacov and I said to each other and God the  other day. He said, "We're just going to treat this cancer like it hasn't spread. Like it's Stage 3." No one else had suggested this, online or in person. But Yaacov and I talked about it and I think we discussed it with my family when they were in town. The words were so beautiful. I know cognitively that pretending it's Stage 3 is not the same as it actually being Stage 3, but the difference to me is huge. It's the difference in being treated like you're living instead of dying. And guess what? I'm ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm so grateful to be alive at all, and that God set it up with those words, just to comfort and remind me that He's listening. Plus the last few days I had fleeting thoughts telling me to stop thinking like I'm dying and remember that I'm living. But I've mostly ignored those.

Not anymore! I'm alive in and through Christ, "But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions--it is by grace you have been saved And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus... (Ephesians 2:4)."

I'm also just alive in general. None of us know when our last day on earth will be. I always thought I'd sort of know when things were happening, but I was wrong. I had no inkling about this cancer thing. So I probably won't have an inkling about the day He heals me either. It's so that no man can boast. 

Thanks to all who read and comment on this. I'm trying to get back to as many people as I can, but it's a slow process. Please know I love you all and you have no idea how grateful I am for your prayers and support.

A New Day

God is still good. Last night I felt sick and started panicking that I wouldn't be able to start chemo on time because of it. I went to bed at 7:30 and feel fine now. I'm so grateful for the healing and for the lifestyle that I can do that and it's not even a blip on the radar. The kids were in bed, Yaacov was home with video games to entertain him, etc. I can't imagine going through this with a job outside the house or as a single mom.

One reason I went "public" on Facebook yesterday was because I was already sort of depressed and wanted to get it out of the way. I was skeptical that those who aren't close enough to me to know already would really care. But the outpouring of love and messages from old friends and even strangers has been really encouraging.

I had a sort of daydream (I can't say it was a vision from God, but it was definitely filled with love that only He is responsible for). I was in the front yard with Abigail, having a "dance party". We have them all the time where we blast the music and mostly spin around and laugh. Anyway, it was the two of us holding hands and spinning, the wind was in our hair and she was smiling with those huge cheeks. Then suddenly I looked over, and the whole yard was filled with people who love us. We were all dancing together with joy because of God's great love. We're going to have that dance party when He heals me.

Abi just caught me crying as I finished up this post. She said, "Why are you crying?" I told her it's because God is so good. She wisely responded, "Well, whenever you want to cry about something you should just sing, 'God is so good' instead". I think I'll try that today.

Pics from the other day

This is Yaacov and me from the pics we took the other day.

Just Abigail, almost 4 years old, in her homemade glasses.

Precious Naomi and me, almost 8 months old.

This is Yaacov and me with the girls, my mom, and my brother Ben.

Thanks to all who are reading this story and praying for us. I pray for you all as well, and hope God blesses you abundantly for your dedication.

Day 11

I lost some of my happy, positive energy today. I still have so much to be thankful for though. Maybe even more than usual. The girls have been completely precious and so many people have reached out in extraordinary ways. I can't write about them just yet. I guess it's just becoming more real now. I still know God can heal me, but I was hoping it would be yesterday or at lunchtime today. Now it seems I'm going to have to face at least some of it. But God said, "when you pass through the waters, I will be with you, and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned, the flames will not set you ablaze." Isaiah 43:2.

Contacts

One more thing. I had Susan send out an email on my behalf and that included a request to not call us because we were getting overwhelmed. But as I was writing the last page I started thinking there might be a person or people who read this sooner or later who need support too. It would be an amazing opportunity to be able to help someone like that, whether they're going through something like this or even bent out of shape about this challenge. So if anyone reads this and needs anything, please contact me. Put a note in the comments or send a note to our new email, healingforerin@gmail.com, and we'll set up a time to talk. I'm really sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings by not wanting to hear from people.

So many awesome things!

Psalm 89:1-2 "I will always sing about the Lord's love; I will tell of His loyalty from now on. i will say, 'your love continues forever, your loyalty goes on and on like the sky'."

Every second of this day is getting better, I can't even handle it! God is so good to me. Who am I that He would comfort me and give me hope? That He would hear my cries and wipe the tears before I have a chance to ask? The answer is no one. I've never led anyone to Him. I've never sacrificed anything that mattered. But He loves me anyway. In fact, the word says He has no favorites. Meaning that He loves me as much as someone who's spent her life dedicated to serving Him. As much as King David, Paul, or Mother Theresa. He certainly loves me as much as Hezekiah, who He granted 15 extra years of life just because he asked. And He loves my children enough that He will have mercy on them for my sake. Glory be to God, the author of this and every story!

Anyway, church was good, but I was distracted for most of the day because I can feel my milk is drying up. As much as I try to be positive, it is a very real and painful experience. I know I will never nurse a child again. Most importantly, I will never nurse Naomi again. I wanted to cry. Really to sob and writhe around on the floor in self-pity, screaming to this invisible God who would be so heartless as to require this sacrifice. It made me feel unneeded too, which is hard to face because the basis of my desire to be healed is to raise the children I claim need me so much. It was a struggle to snap out of the funk, and to (attempt to) focus on God and the fact that He weaned her for a reason. Just days ago I felt weaning her was a blessing, and I was viewing it differently suddenly. Then--get this--He blessed me again! Instead of making me feel like a piece of junk for having the selfish thoughts in the first place, He comforted and answered me like only He can. When I got home from fellowship group she woke up and started crying. She would not go back to sleep until I held her. She was quiet the instant I grabbed her, and when I tried to put her down prematurely she cried again. So I walked her and rocked her (okay, and smelled her sweet little head), while she held onto me with those fat baby arms. As she fell asleep on my chest she made the happy baby sounds that confirmed little Naomi loves and needs me.

In Genesis 18, Abraham pleaded with God to save the evil city of Sodom for the sake of as few as 10 righteous men He would find there. God promised to save the city for the sake of those, it just happened that there weren't 10 righteous people there so Sodom had to go. But I see the story with a parallel to us. If I'm the evil (or at least unrighteous) city we will beg that God will spare me for the sake of the righteous (my children). And I do. Beg. Please, Lord. Have mercy on me for the sake of those innocent babies.

That isn't all with the good news. Yaacov has a work connection who is related to someone who created an algorithm to determine the best treatment for breast cancer patients based on their symptoms/characteristics. She's looking into where we could go in the vicinity to get it done. If not, we also figured out that Texas has the #1 ranked cancer center (although this is general, not specifically for breast metastatic), and somewhere in Texas is the algorithm guy, so maybe we can work that all out together. The best part of this is that we weren't looking for info like that, but it all fell together. It's so clear that every move I've ever made is to set me up for this experience. For those who don't know, I was a researcher in my career, and have that personality now. I have extremely high standards for such matters, and won't just accept some schmo's advice to stand on my head while eating carrots because they talked to someone whose brother was cured by it. So a guy who invented a testable (hopefully tested of course), science-based algorithm that would direct my treatment and leave the guesswork out of if is another miracle to me.

I have more to say but don't want to spend too long each night on the computer. I am so grateful that tomorrow will be a day of relaxation. I'll spend it enjoying my girls and the world God created. It will be the first day spent without the company of adults since the diagnosis. I don't think I was ready for that then. Hopefully I am now. But if not, I will actually reach out and find some company. We had fellowship group with just the women today, and it was so nice to sit back and chat, laugh, and breathe a little. They are amazing ladies and I pray that one day I can bless them the way they've blessed me.

Learning

I'm learning so much about what to do if someone else I know ever goes through something like this. The biggest is that no matter how close I am or am not to the person, it's nice to reach out in some way. I'm trying so hard to stay positive, but am really bothered that I'm positive some old friends & acquaintances know what's up and don't care enough to even drop a line. It's not like those people are important to me now, but it's painful to know that they'd hear someone is dying and not care at all.
Same goes for the people pushing their ideas/beliefs on me. I get that they believe I should do what they would do. That doesn't make it right for me though. And maybe I'm being sensitive, but right now it seems that if I don't do it they'll judge me, and if I die they'll think it's because I didn't follow their advice. I'm praying about everything now and following God's advice, not man's. But I sure wish I didn't have to juggle other people's judgments and beliefs along with it.
Anyway, none of this matters. I need to focus on what's important. Worshiping God and spending time with my loved ones. Getting the house cleaned is up there too. But regardless, Paul said in Galatians that he's not trying to win the approval of men. One of my favorite verses has always been that, "if I were still trying to please men I would not be a servant of Christ" (Gal 1:10). I will remember that the next time I lose focus and think this junk is important.
Now, I have found no verses about the filthy kitchen so better attend to that.