I have mixed feelings about keeping this blog going. It was such a huge part of my cancer journey, and I have been extremely blessed by the responses of people who read it.
Before I was healed I mentioned a fear on here that when people stopped supporting me as much I would feel irrelevant. That definitely happened, as it happens to most people who deal with illness. It's a natural part of life--whether or not we want attention, at some time of our life we get it and then notice during those times we don't. It bruises our egos. It has taken awhile to get over this, but I think I have, which is why I can express it better now. I am humbled by being less relevant and more unimportant, and this blog is an extension of that. But I feel like "ending" the blog would be like saying what God did is not important or relevant, either.
Anyway, whenever I pray about closing down the blog, someone inevitably mentions it in a positive way. So I am keeping it going with less frequent entries until further notice.
I am healthy. I decided to wait until next year for further reconstructive surgeries because my body has been taking a long time to heal from each It has been a little over a year since I ended radiation, which was the final part of my treatment. I would say I have physically recovered from all that and have no notable side effects from any of it, besides the actual surgical scars. I consider those my war wounds from the fight for my life.
I am still moved by people with cancer and have several that I'm praying for. It feels like an epidemic and it's a bit overwhelming to try to keep up with everyone's horror stories. But still, every so often in the midst of the storms, we hear good news. It is a tinkle of hope ringing in the distance, and we must search for it's source. It is the only way we will get through the journey.
Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
These are the current things we have going on.
Prayer:
There is a young girl named Anna, and her family, who really needs your prayers. She already beat leukemia once but it's back now. Her family has been through an enormous amount recently, so having this terrible disease come back was icing on the cake. Her mother has to work in Tallahassee, and Anna Grace is at Shands all alone (2.5 hours away). She is so sick only her mother is allowed to visit right now. They need support in every way imaginable. Here is a link to a blog with some information, http://annagracedoran.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/anna-grace-doran/comment-page-1/, and if you want to help with any fundraisers it talks about a pancake breakfast on October 5 and I know a local coffee shop is donating funds during certain hours also. Please, please cover this family with your prayers for total healing, finances and peace. Also for protection from emotional problems that arise from all this.
Great Lessons:
Yaacov is leading a cool teaching on the Parables at 11am at Four Oaks Community Church starting next Sunday. You don't need prior knowledge or anything, just come prepared to learn more about the details of what Jesus was talking about. I'll paste a blurb about it below:
This class will discuss the origins and meanings of the parables of Jesus from a Jewish perspective and the decisions Jesus called his listeners to make pertaining to the gospel and the kingdom of heaven. The class includes an introduction to what a parable is, the context into which Jesus was teaching (including what the Rabbis were teaching during the 2nd Temple period and who the Jews expected the Messiah to be), and a study of 9 parables: 3 parables of warning, 3 parables of the gospel message, and 3 parables of righteousness.
Bible Study Fellowship:
I have been going to Bible Study Fellowship for 5 years, and it's a really great nondenominational Bible study. It is not local, there are weekly meetings all over the world. If you want more specifics shoot me an email and I can fill you in. But this note is because we have two women's groups and not one for the men in Tallahassee. They would like to start a men's group in town, but they need a list of 300 men who are interested in attending. It isn't a commitment to show up, just to say they would consider it. So, if you or someone you know is a man who would consider going to the group if it started up, please send Yaacov or me a message with your name and number for the list. Or put it in a comment beneath this.
Cards for a Cure:
We are really excited for the big Cards for a Cure fundraiser that is coming up on September 28 at the Antique Car Museum. The board is made up of lots of amazing people who have lived through or been touched by, breast cancer. The money raised goes to support the TMH Cancer Center, and this year my story is the one being highlighted. As a promotional tool our family was even featured in Tallahassee Woman's Magazine, which has a watered down version of my story. Lots of non-believers are finding out some truths about what God can do (page 38 http://issuu.com/tallahasseewoman/docs/aug_sept13_online). So, not only would I love to see you all come to the event, I would also appreciate prayers for all the audience to learn about God's miracles and that there is always hope. www.cardsforacuretallahassee.com .
Showing posts with label after healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label after healing. Show all posts
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Cancer AND Chemo Free!!!! (written 5/3/12)
When I published yesterday's blog I noticed that this one was never published. I wrote it 5/3 and somehow saved it as a draft instead. The reference to a school play was before the ballet recital you might have seen on Facebook.
From 5/3/2012:
This was such an amazing day AND week, I hate to just do a quick blog about it. I don't have time to do it justice but felt an update was in order.
I snapped out of my funk when I was last blogging, and it hasn't come back. I feel SO much better about everything. I don't know if God had mercy on me and pulled me out or if my attitude just improved the way I perceive everything. Maybe both.
I saw Dr. Crooms for my bilateral mastectomy consultation on Tuesday. I had this weird anxiety beforehand because I wanted to have him take care of a few other issues that were causing me enormous amounts of pain. So, I got it in my head that he wouldn't have time to let me really explain it and was praying nonstop for the consultation. I have no idea why I thought he wouldn't give me the time--he's never made me feel like he even has other patients than me--but I was very concerned. The meeting not only went perfectly, but everything he told me about the recovery was better than expected.
He did an exam and was the THIRD doctor now to deem me "cancer-free"!!!!! All of them felt the original tumor early on and continue to shake their heads when they declare "there's nothing there". I haven't had a PET scan lately, although I expect to soon, but I have no reason to believe that I am anything but cured. Perfectly healed and cured by my perfect creator. Dr. Crooms is going to take only one node during the surgery because it's gone from all my nodes. As long as it comes back clear (in the quick frozen section they do while I'm cut open), he won't take any others. Remember the frozen section biopsy is the one that came back as non-cancerous with my tumor but it was really cancer. I'm not worried because I am so confident that God healed me entirely. But, I'll be happier to see the results of the full biopsy in the pathology report from the full removal.
Dr. Crooms said the first week of my recovery will be the hardest, and he won't put restrictions on how many pounds I can lift. I had read I might not be able to lift more than 5 lbs for several weeks, so that is a huge blessing. I usually can't go more than a few minutes without lifting Naomi. He said I'll be similarly fatigued to chemo, so considering what I've been through I should be fine. Fortunately I have a high pain threshold too, it's more of the emotional aspect that I'm gearing up for.
Today was my last chemo. Things changed a tad but it was still a great experience. A few of my old buddies couldn't come today so I didn't get to chat with them, but Yaacov surprised me and showed up! That was really nice, a really big surprise. Have I mentioned I am extremely blessed? I thought I would see Dr. Rassam today but it'll actually be in two weeks. It was supposed to be next week but I already scheduled something else because I thought I was done today. The chemo nurse also mentioned I'll have to get a shot (Xgeva, sp?) every month, for either 2 years or forever, and that was a surprise. But who cares?!?! That shot is a substitute for another I used to get (I think Neulasta but don't remember for sure), and is much better than it. There are no side effects that I've ever noticed.
I can't stop remembering everything. It has been a long road, and I've been carried along the way by God and all my loved ones. Just a few months ago the doctors were all telling me there was no hope for me, and now I rarely hear that. And, even in my darkest hours I don't believe it at all. When we were praying for these miracles before I wanted to believe but always had the gut level of pain in my heart that maybe God only heals Stage 4 cancer after we die. Maybe part of taking up my cross each day would mean living with cancer and just trying to keep it at bay. But now I breathe deeply and freely. I don't even have the nagging voice of the enemy whispering lies to me. This experience is far from over, but I'm going through surgery and whatnot because God is asking it of me, not because it's a lifeline.
Abigail was in a school play yesterday. The last time she had one was the day I was diagnosed. We didn't know how bad it actually was yet, but had an inkling that this would be a long road. I barely kept it together that time. I know a lot more now, and everything is changed in every way. Every cell in my body is different than it was that day. But the pride and joy I felt watching my daughter on that stage has only deepened since then. I can't tell you what a honor it was and is to sit in that audience watching my 4 year old cover her ears throughout the whole play. We could only see part of her face because she kept turning to watch the actors. She was a little disappointed in herself afterward, but I wouldn't have changed even a second of it. She was perfect. Is perfect. The ultimate gift, and as I cried like a baby while I watched that play I didn't have to wonder if it was the last one I would see. God decides on the timing of everything so I'm not promised another play, but none of that nonsense matters anymore. What matters is I got to see her be herself on that stage, making memories. And her biggest concern can continue to be that the music is too loud, because there is no disease eating away at her mommy.
Praise, praise, praise that God! He is good in the bad times, and that helps me appreciate the good times. He has carried me through 32 years of life, and 6 months of cancer treatments. This is not the end of the story. It is "to be continued", and I'm excited and honored to be a part of it until He sees fit.
Joy, joy, joy. Joy to the King. To the Master. Creator. Father. Healer.
Ps 113, "Praise the Lord. Praise, O servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, His glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren women in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord."
From 5/3/2012:
This was such an amazing day AND week, I hate to just do a quick blog about it. I don't have time to do it justice but felt an update was in order.
I snapped out of my funk when I was last blogging, and it hasn't come back. I feel SO much better about everything. I don't know if God had mercy on me and pulled me out or if my attitude just improved the way I perceive everything. Maybe both.
I saw Dr. Crooms for my bilateral mastectomy consultation on Tuesday. I had this weird anxiety beforehand because I wanted to have him take care of a few other issues that were causing me enormous amounts of pain. So, I got it in my head that he wouldn't have time to let me really explain it and was praying nonstop for the consultation. I have no idea why I thought he wouldn't give me the time--he's never made me feel like he even has other patients than me--but I was very concerned. The meeting not only went perfectly, but everything he told me about the recovery was better than expected.
He did an exam and was the THIRD doctor now to deem me "cancer-free"!!!!! All of them felt the original tumor early on and continue to shake their heads when they declare "there's nothing there". I haven't had a PET scan lately, although I expect to soon, but I have no reason to believe that I am anything but cured. Perfectly healed and cured by my perfect creator. Dr. Crooms is going to take only one node during the surgery because it's gone from all my nodes. As long as it comes back clear (in the quick frozen section they do while I'm cut open), he won't take any others. Remember the frozen section biopsy is the one that came back as non-cancerous with my tumor but it was really cancer. I'm not worried because I am so confident that God healed me entirely. But, I'll be happier to see the results of the full biopsy in the pathology report from the full removal.
Dr. Crooms said the first week of my recovery will be the hardest, and he won't put restrictions on how many pounds I can lift. I had read I might not be able to lift more than 5 lbs for several weeks, so that is a huge blessing. I usually can't go more than a few minutes without lifting Naomi. He said I'll be similarly fatigued to chemo, so considering what I've been through I should be fine. Fortunately I have a high pain threshold too, it's more of the emotional aspect that I'm gearing up for.
Today was my last chemo. Things changed a tad but it was still a great experience. A few of my old buddies couldn't come today so I didn't get to chat with them, but Yaacov surprised me and showed up! That was really nice, a really big surprise. Have I mentioned I am extremely blessed? I thought I would see Dr. Rassam today but it'll actually be in two weeks. It was supposed to be next week but I already scheduled something else because I thought I was done today. The chemo nurse also mentioned I'll have to get a shot (Xgeva, sp?) every month, for either 2 years or forever, and that was a surprise. But who cares?!?! That shot is a substitute for another I used to get (I think Neulasta but don't remember for sure), and is much better than it. There are no side effects that I've ever noticed.
I can't stop remembering everything. It has been a long road, and I've been carried along the way by God and all my loved ones. Just a few months ago the doctors were all telling me there was no hope for me, and now I rarely hear that. And, even in my darkest hours I don't believe it at all. When we were praying for these miracles before I wanted to believe but always had the gut level of pain in my heart that maybe God only heals Stage 4 cancer after we die. Maybe part of taking up my cross each day would mean living with cancer and just trying to keep it at bay. But now I breathe deeply and freely. I don't even have the nagging voice of the enemy whispering lies to me. This experience is far from over, but I'm going through surgery and whatnot because God is asking it of me, not because it's a lifeline.
Abigail was in a school play yesterday. The last time she had one was the day I was diagnosed. We didn't know how bad it actually was yet, but had an inkling that this would be a long road. I barely kept it together that time. I know a lot more now, and everything is changed in every way. Every cell in my body is different than it was that day. But the pride and joy I felt watching my daughter on that stage has only deepened since then. I can't tell you what a honor it was and is to sit in that audience watching my 4 year old cover her ears throughout the whole play. We could only see part of her face because she kept turning to watch the actors. She was a little disappointed in herself afterward, but I wouldn't have changed even a second of it. She was perfect. Is perfect. The ultimate gift, and as I cried like a baby while I watched that play I didn't have to wonder if it was the last one I would see. God decides on the timing of everything so I'm not promised another play, but none of that nonsense matters anymore. What matters is I got to see her be herself on that stage, making memories. And her biggest concern can continue to be that the music is too loud, because there is no disease eating away at her mommy.
Praise, praise, praise that God! He is good in the bad times, and that helps me appreciate the good times. He has carried me through 32 years of life, and 6 months of cancer treatments. This is not the end of the story. It is "to be continued", and I'm excited and honored to be a part of it until He sees fit.
Joy, joy, joy. Joy to the King. To the Master. Creator. Father. Healer.
Ps 113, "Praise the Lord. Praise, O servants of the Lord, praise the name of the Lord. Let the name of the Lord be praised, both now and forevermore. From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. The Lord is exalted over all the nations, His glory above the heavens. Who is like the Lord our God, the One who sits enthroned on high, who stoops down to look on the heavens and the earth? He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap; he seats them with princes, with the princes of their people. He settles the barren women in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord."
Friday, April 27, 2012
My Pity Party
I've been too busy to blog lately--I've been having a grand pity party with no time for such matters.
I've been learning a bit about "survivorship", which I will define as the extremely difficult time we have between the hub-bub and fuss of treatment and returning to "normal" life. I have been sort of quiet about it considering how much mental anguish I've found myself in, but I've decided it's important to talk about for the sake of others. I'm not officially done with treatment (I have 1 more week of chemo, bilateral mastectomy, 6.5 weeks of radiation, then down the road a reconstructive surgery and recovery), but I think my let downs are like the survivorship stuff because I already got the news of my healing and fully believe it is complete and permanent. Normally if that were to happen it would be at the end of treatment.
So, for anyone involved in supporting people with cancer (probably all major illnesses, but it could look different), please read about this issue. In big cities there are doctors with a heart and interest in the matter, but no one around here has mentioned it. Basically, it's like a minor depression because everyone supporting you feels like their jobs are done and goes back to their normal lives and routine. But the patient (in this case, me) can't go back to normal. Besides still dealing with all the side effects, I'm looking at everything differently. I am NOT the same person as before. In the past year I: 1) changed from a mom of 1 to a mom of 2, 2) went an extremely difficult issue with Yaacov that changed us both entirely, 3) got a cancer diagnosis, 4) got a death sentence, 5) got bombarded with massive love from total strangers for months, 6) got miraculously healed, death sentence revoked, 7) got left (feeling) alone with another year of treatment and am expected to just act and behave like 3-7 never happened.
So, I'm spelling out how I feel, but people in these situations all go through it, just with different details. There are biological reasons for the emotional part, because of a crash from all the previously elevated emotions that can't be sustained any longer. Plus, there's more time for reality to set it about everything that's been going on.
I think I'm healing pretty quickly from this issue, but it could get worse after the surgery. I've decided to wait on the ovary removal until my mind is clearer, but the pain, time away from kids during the recovery, and anguish from the disfigurement of my upper body will not be good for me. Anyway, one of the issues all survivors have is a paranoia about every ache and pain. I am especially prone to this because, in the eyes of my doctors, I am not permanently healed, but just in a good place right now. However, over the past few weeks God has given me peace and removed that paranoia, so that's good.
I'm learning so much these days. I have always taken issue with cancer people who continue to think and talk about their illness long after it's gone. But now I get it. No matter how hard our loved ones might try to support us, they really will never know what we went through or go through. So we get this yearning to help others go through it. It sort of validates us and what we went through. Maybe gives it a purpose. And keeps us from haing to sweep that important time for us under the rug. There was a new girl at chemo yesterday and she was very young, very scared. She has stage 3 ovarian cancer and for some reason that's one that tends to be chronic, really like stage 4. I could see the fear in her eyes from across the room. The poor thing, she just needed someone to talk to. I think I made her first treatment 100 times better than mine was. Not that hers was great, by any means, but hopefully at least better. This is the cheesiest thing I'll say today, but maybe my being there for her first chemo is the reason God wanted me to keep up my treatments. If so, it was worth it.
I struggle with my ungrateful and depressed feelings, because while I know they are valid when explained to people in the world, I don't compare myself to people of the world. I strive to be like Jesus, and to lean on Jesus when I can't do it on my own. Shouldn't that mean I can just pray when I feel bad, and let it go? The word says to "do everything without complaining or arguing", "never grow tired of doing good", and to "conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ". Plus, He already answered my big prayers about being healed. So, how do I dare complain now of the incomparable issues I'm having? I guess I'm pretty bold i doing so, and I really shouldn't. But I met a therapist for the first time this week, and she reminded me that throughout the Bible, stronger and holier people than me are complaining and struggling. So, I'm in good company at least. Again, it doesn't give me permission to keep it up, but I know it's a common struggle.
The specific story the counselor reminded me of is in 1 Kings w 18-19 when Elijah (the awesome prophet who God used in much greater ways that any of us) was told by Jezebel that she was going to kill him. Something about that just screamed, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" (which has been my motto for 2 weeks or so), and he gave up on life and ran off to hide until his time was up. That is exactly how I had been feeling. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything, but sometimes something's gotta give. As always, the answer for me was to cry out to God in submission, beg for mercy, and wait for help. So, the point that tends to relate to me is that I'm typically the thing that has to "give". I gave up more of my desires and focused on Him more. I return I have found comfort, the way the angel in 1 Kings provided for Elijah when he was hiding.
If and when anyone else starts having these feelings, please feel free to send them to me for empathy. So far, the biggest thing that has helped is praising and thanking God aloud for the many, many blessings He has shared. It makes me more aware of and grateful for the grass on my side of the fence.
There is something so exhausting about all these emotions, and praying for and hearing about the enormous amount of sick people I have connections to. Someone included these verses in a prayer request earlier and they really hit the spot, 2 Cor 4:8-9 "We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what do do, but we do not give up the hope of the living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed."
I've been learning a bit about "survivorship", which I will define as the extremely difficult time we have between the hub-bub and fuss of treatment and returning to "normal" life. I have been sort of quiet about it considering how much mental anguish I've found myself in, but I've decided it's important to talk about for the sake of others. I'm not officially done with treatment (I have 1 more week of chemo, bilateral mastectomy, 6.5 weeks of radiation, then down the road a reconstructive surgery and recovery), but I think my let downs are like the survivorship stuff because I already got the news of my healing and fully believe it is complete and permanent. Normally if that were to happen it would be at the end of treatment.
So, for anyone involved in supporting people with cancer (probably all major illnesses, but it could look different), please read about this issue. In big cities there are doctors with a heart and interest in the matter, but no one around here has mentioned it. Basically, it's like a minor depression because everyone supporting you feels like their jobs are done and goes back to their normal lives and routine. But the patient (in this case, me) can't go back to normal. Besides still dealing with all the side effects, I'm looking at everything differently. I am NOT the same person as before. In the past year I: 1) changed from a mom of 1 to a mom of 2, 2) went an extremely difficult issue with Yaacov that changed us both entirely, 3) got a cancer diagnosis, 4) got a death sentence, 5) got bombarded with massive love from total strangers for months, 6) got miraculously healed, death sentence revoked, 7) got left (feeling) alone with another year of treatment and am expected to just act and behave like 3-7 never happened.
So, I'm spelling out how I feel, but people in these situations all go through it, just with different details. There are biological reasons for the emotional part, because of a crash from all the previously elevated emotions that can't be sustained any longer. Plus, there's more time for reality to set it about everything that's been going on.
I think I'm healing pretty quickly from this issue, but it could get worse after the surgery. I've decided to wait on the ovary removal until my mind is clearer, but the pain, time away from kids during the recovery, and anguish from the disfigurement of my upper body will not be good for me. Anyway, one of the issues all survivors have is a paranoia about every ache and pain. I am especially prone to this because, in the eyes of my doctors, I am not permanently healed, but just in a good place right now. However, over the past few weeks God has given me peace and removed that paranoia, so that's good.
I'm learning so much these days. I have always taken issue with cancer people who continue to think and talk about their illness long after it's gone. But now I get it. No matter how hard our loved ones might try to support us, they really will never know what we went through or go through. So we get this yearning to help others go through it. It sort of validates us and what we went through. Maybe gives it a purpose. And keeps us from haing to sweep that important time for us under the rug. There was a new girl at chemo yesterday and she was very young, very scared. She has stage 3 ovarian cancer and for some reason that's one that tends to be chronic, really like stage 4. I could see the fear in her eyes from across the room. The poor thing, she just needed someone to talk to. I think I made her first treatment 100 times better than mine was. Not that hers was great, by any means, but hopefully at least better. This is the cheesiest thing I'll say today, but maybe my being there for her first chemo is the reason God wanted me to keep up my treatments. If so, it was worth it.
I struggle with my ungrateful and depressed feelings, because while I know they are valid when explained to people in the world, I don't compare myself to people of the world. I strive to be like Jesus, and to lean on Jesus when I can't do it on my own. Shouldn't that mean I can just pray when I feel bad, and let it go? The word says to "do everything without complaining or arguing", "never grow tired of doing good", and to "conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ". Plus, He already answered my big prayers about being healed. So, how do I dare complain now of the incomparable issues I'm having? I guess I'm pretty bold i doing so, and I really shouldn't. But I met a therapist for the first time this week, and she reminded me that throughout the Bible, stronger and holier people than me are complaining and struggling. So, I'm in good company at least. Again, it doesn't give me permission to keep it up, but I know it's a common struggle.
The specific story the counselor reminded me of is in 1 Kings w 18-19 when Elijah (the awesome prophet who God used in much greater ways that any of us) was told by Jezebel that she was going to kill him. Something about that just screamed, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" (which has been my motto for 2 weeks or so), and he gave up on life and ran off to hide until his time was up. That is exactly how I had been feeling. I wasn't going to kill myself or anything, but sometimes something's gotta give. As always, the answer for me was to cry out to God in submission, beg for mercy, and wait for help. So, the point that tends to relate to me is that I'm typically the thing that has to "give". I gave up more of my desires and focused on Him more. I return I have found comfort, the way the angel in 1 Kings provided for Elijah when he was hiding.
If and when anyone else starts having these feelings, please feel free to send them to me for empathy. So far, the biggest thing that has helped is praising and thanking God aloud for the many, many blessings He has shared. It makes me more aware of and grateful for the grass on my side of the fence.
There is something so exhausting about all these emotions, and praying for and hearing about the enormous amount of sick people I have connections to. Someone included these verses in a prayer request earlier and they really hit the spot, 2 Cor 4:8-9 "We have troubles all around us, but we are not defeated. We do not know what do do, but we do not give up the hope of the living. We are persecuted, but God does not leave us. We are hurt sometimes, but we are not destroyed."
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