Did cancer ruin my child or did I do that myself?

This whole time I've felt so fortunate that our kids were young when dealing with the cancer. I hated hearing I could die before they'd be old enough to remember me, but it was so much easier than having to deal with the emotions and questions that an older child would have posed. Or, so I thought. It's been almost a year since the diagnosis and the toll it's taken on Abigail has finally become apparent.We tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible during treatment, but obviously we didn't succeed. Everything changed, as it had to. She was only 3 when the doctors first started telling me I was going to die, so she hadn't been through anything difficult. Nor did she have any clue what sickness, cancer, or death were. Added to that, she used to only see Grandpa for holidays, and suddenly he was here full-time, babysitting several times per week. Then he moved away and Grandma moved down. Now she's going to preschool every day, but I drag her to doctors or leave her with sitters at least once a week. She was a trooper through all of it and I thought she was unscathed--a few months ago she said she'd never seen me cry. Clearly she had forgotten the low times from last year, like when she'd begged me to go just one day without crying.

Well, my treatments have been done since June, but the aftermath has just begun. And worsening. I've had to leave overnight a few times and it sets off really bad behavior. She's also having nightmares and outrageously naughty behavior at school. Anytime I will be away from her she wants to know exactly what I'm doing and I have to promise I'll be back. Most issues seem to involve control--she wants it--so we're trying to help her feel super secure but still teach her that she isn't the boss.

I'm blaming cancer for ruining my child, but I might have done it myself. I'm a behavior analyst, how did I end up with the child who behaves so badly at school? There's nothing innately "different" about her, I really believe this is a nurture (not nature) issue. We're praying a lot about her behavior but don't know what to do. Maybe we're reading too much into it, and she is noncompliant because I gave her way too many choices until now. And now she thinks she should always have the chance to have some sort of "say" in what she does.

I don't like either of these hypotheses. So much of my fight against cancer was because I didn't trust God to raise them without me. I'm not sure I ever admitted that before. And now it turns out I don't know what I'm doing anyway. Awesome.

It will all work out, we just need to trust God with everything, and wait on Him for how to proceed. So much of parenting seems time-sensitive, but it will be better if I focus on being God-sensitive instead. God did one of the nicest things ever for me, and I'm going to focus on that: This morning I could not stop singing this song about trusting the Lord. Then I realized I was promising to trust Him but not really meaning it. I started to pray about it but got interrupted and figured I'd think about it more later. Instead, I checked my email and a friend had written to me about how she had this vision while she was praying for me (not about Abi, just generally). She could see anguish, doubt, and fear filling up my cup. Then those things were poured out and trust replaced it. Isn't that awesome? I often joke about how easy it would be to do what God wants if He would just send me a to-do list. This time He basicallly did! He made sure I got an email with His message, "TRUST ME".

People have had dreams and visions a few times for me before, but never anything so specific and timely. I take it as a HUGE honor, that He would do something so bold and clear to get through to me. It must be very important, and those are all issues I've been having. I can't tell you the comfort I get from how personal that message is. So, I will trust Him. God is mightier than my mistakes. I will trust Him today. And tomorrow.

Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."

Deut 1:30-32, "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God
carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. "

Nail -scarred Hands

Well, hello there. The last time I posted I was talking about God's fatherly love. Right after that I ran out on an errand and caught 5 minutes of a sermon about that exact issue. It took me this long to sit down and catch the whole thing, and I'm so glad I did. God definitely set it up so I would catch that as confirmation of that type of love.

The sermon was by Adrian Rogers and it's called the Stars and Scars of Christmas. http://m.oneplace.com/ministries/love-worth-finding/listen/the-stars-scars-of-christmas-241045.html
There was a ton of good stuff in it, but the part that goes with Fatherly love is that Christ experienced so much pain on earth, and not only was Jesus fully God, God is also the father who had to watch it.

Something else I found very applicable to this situation is that Dr. Rogers mentioned when we have physical pain, our whole body compensates and comes to the rescue. Like if you break your arm your other arm and muscles help to let the bad one recover. I strongly believe that is going on with the body of believers (and tons of nonbelievers) helping our family right now. I have never seen a community reach out like this and it's amazing. Romans 12:4-5 says, "Just as each of us has one body with any members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others." This is really big to me because I've been wondering why God is putting us on so many people's hearts. There may be many other reasons, but demonstrating truth from the Word is a good one. It reminds me that the rest of it is true, too. I've said it before, but my family and I are so grateful for the outpouring of love and concern from everyone. Next to the stage 4 diagnosis it is the biggest surprise of my life. And it is definitely the best one.

Deuteronomy 7:9 "Know therefore that the Lord your God is God; He is the faithful God, keeping His covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love Him and keep His commandments."

Day 4: Silver Lining!!!!

What an amazing day! It started off horribly and I had a really bad attitude. Naomi was up all night and I felt sick from the stupid fasting part of the PET Scan. I read online that I'd have to wait 30-60 minutes to let this radioactive sugar get absorbed. So I brought a list of phone calls I had to make. Sidenote: if you're ever diagnosed with cancer make sure to get unlimited minutes. I've never been on the phone so much in my life. Anyway, he tells me I can text but not speak. Then he mentions that besides not nursing Naomi for 24 hours (no, she still has never taken a bottle), I can't TOUCH or hold my children for more than 30 second increments. For 4-5 hours. By the way, is it 4 or 5? I went with 4.5 hours. Of torture.

Naomi was hysterical when I got home and all I could do was look at her. She normally has 2 naps by then but had only slept for 30 minutes. Hadn't eaten a thing. I couldn't find the best sippy cup we have and searched everywhere. Finally, I prayed for 10 seconds, then walked back to where they were. She stopped crying. I looked over, and there was the sippy cup (in one of Abi's toy bins). Then she took the sippy cup with milk for longer than ever from my dad. My baby girl passed out for 3.5 hours after this.

I expect the night to be the worst part, because she nurses so much. But at dinner she miraculously took a bunch of milk from a tablespoon, and after a stroller ride she fell asleep without nursing. Very little crying. This early and sudden weaning was one of my biggest concerns of the entire cancer deal. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! He is still around and still faithful.

Not only is this verse a reminder of that, but it opened my eyes to the most important part--He keeps this covenant of love to 1000 generations. The whole time the big issue is how He could care so little about my children to potentially rip them away from their mommy. But I believe every word of the Bible, and I believe He loves my children because we love Him and keep His commands. Awesome. i will admit that doesn't mean He'll love them enough to keep their mom around, but it does mean He'll keep loving and taking care of them the way that is Right (He's smarter than me and defines it His way. But I trust Him!) I'm so happy right now! I will admit
Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.