What I'm Here For

A lot of people are dying of cancer. It is awful. Every day I hear of people who die or are about to die. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not one of them. I'm not the only one, either. You should see the look on people's faces when they haven't seen me in awhile. They expect me to look like I'm on death's door. They ask how I'm doing and are shocked when I tell them I'm healthy. When I complete my medical forms and the only pills I have to report taking are Tamoxifen and a sleeping pill, the doctors prod me, thinking I just refuse to take the others. But it is all true. God has brought me through this, against all odds. 

1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

I know my job is to glorify Him. To share the story He blessed me with. But why me? I deserve it less, appreciate it less, report His awesomeness less, than many. Than most. I'm not complaining or anything, just recognizing my futility in this life.

Tonight He reminded me so clearly of three of the reasons: Yaacov and my babies. Day in and day out I am tired and struggle to get through the hours. I am crabby and impatient. I am no one's version of a perfect mom/wife. But I'm here. And I'm healthy. And I'm climbing a steeply uphill mountain toward perfection. Naomi just woke up screaming. I don't know what upset her, but I know what she needed. Mommy. She hugged me like a lifeline, so safe and secure. She knows she can count on me and I am so grateful. Because of God's compassionate nature, she wasn't ruined by the death of her mother as I feared, and instead has been blessed with my being perfectly healthy.

Every moment is a gift, whether you're like me and are on borrowed time because you were miraculously healed of a terminal disease, or you're healthy as a horse with nothing but time on your side. All these moments add up to equal our contributions to this world but we lose sight of that goal sometimes. We focus way too much on events that don't matter, and forget the impact of each tedious, boring, seemingly unimportant one.  

Matthew 7:7-11 - God is like a loving father who gives what his children need. If we ask, we will receive.

I pray that everyone who reads this will have an "Aha" moment tomorrow. Lord, hit us over the heads with reminders of your presence. Of your love. Your truth. Remind us how you treat us like your precious children or let us see the fruit of the love we have for you and your people.

2 Peter 1:10 Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,

Love

I can't believe God is teaching me so much about love on Valentine's Day! It started yesterday when I went to a cancer support group that teaches patients how to look better. The woman I sat by was really nice and proud of herself for how well she'd been dealing with the cancer. I have no idea why, but instead of building her up, my heart was hard to her and I engaged in a verbal competition to make sure she knew that she wasn't any more special than the rest of us. The details aren't important, besides that I was completely wrong. It seemed like I was being really nice, but my intentions were way off.

I am a firm believer that everyone wants to feel special, it's just the things that make them feel that way differ. This woman wanted--needed--to be bolstered for the bravery she displayed through the course of her illness, and I didn't give it to her. It might be that she was arrogant and self-dependent and God doesn't like that. But it's not my business to put her in her place. 1 Cor 5:12 says, "What business it is of mine to judge those outside the church?".

Instead of subtly putting people down, we shoulld be building them up. "A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." John 13:34

Not only did God put me in my place by the shame of what I did, He also used it to answer other prayers. I have been extremely concerned lately about "losing" my healing. It was on my mind constantly and I had been pushing a lot of fears away that were succesfully stealing my joy. I knew satan was ruining everything but I couldn't figure out exactly what to do. I was afraid that if I made a wrong move He would punish me and the cancer would return. I was feeling like I'd be looking over my shoulder forevermore, which effectively made me fear cancer (and thus, satan), more than God. I knew that wasn't the way to go but didn't know what was. Then the spirit showed me the answer!

John 15:9-12, "As the Father loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love." (I was healed because He LOVES me! Now, how do I "keep" my healing?) It continues, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: LOVE EACH OTHER AS I HAVE LOVED YOU."

Following Christ isn't about treading lightly as not to stir up the wrath of God. It's not about doing good things to stay on the "nice" list. It's about love. The love He showed by His sacrifice. By the abundance of love He gives us, our hearts should overflow with peace, love, joy, and gratitude. If they don't, we're doing something wrong. I was.

I hope and pray that everyone who reads this will be consumed by love today and always. You've all made a difference in my life so let's see how loving more can make a big impact on even more people, and ourselves!

Day 4: Silver Lining!!!!

What an amazing day! It started off horribly and I had a really bad attitude. Naomi was up all night and I felt sick from the stupid fasting part of the PET Scan. I read online that I'd have to wait 30-60 minutes to let this radioactive sugar get absorbed. So I brought a list of phone calls I had to make. Sidenote: if you're ever diagnosed with cancer make sure to get unlimited minutes. I've never been on the phone so much in my life. Anyway, he tells me I can text but not speak. Then he mentions that besides not nursing Naomi for 24 hours (no, she still has never taken a bottle), I can't TOUCH or hold my children for more than 30 second increments. For 4-5 hours. By the way, is it 4 or 5? I went with 4.5 hours. Of torture.

Naomi was hysterical when I got home and all I could do was look at her. She normally has 2 naps by then but had only slept for 30 minutes. Hadn't eaten a thing. I couldn't find the best sippy cup we have and searched everywhere. Finally, I prayed for 10 seconds, then walked back to where they were. She stopped crying. I looked over, and there was the sippy cup (in one of Abi's toy bins). Then she took the sippy cup with milk for longer than ever from my dad. My baby girl passed out for 3.5 hours after this.

I expect the night to be the worst part, because she nurses so much. But at dinner she miraculously took a bunch of milk from a tablespoon, and after a stroller ride she fell asleep without nursing. Very little crying. This early and sudden weaning was one of my biggest concerns of the entire cancer deal. Praise God from whom all blessings flow! He is still around and still faithful.

Not only is this verse a reminder of that, but it opened my eyes to the most important part--He keeps this covenant of love to 1000 generations. The whole time the big issue is how He could care so little about my children to potentially rip them away from their mommy. But I believe every word of the Bible, and I believe He loves my children because we love Him and keep His commands. Awesome. i will admit that doesn't mean He'll love them enough to keep their mom around, but it does mean He'll keep loving and taking care of them the way that is Right (He's smarter than me and defines it His way. But I trust Him!) I'm so happy right now! I will admit
Deuteronomy 7:9 Know therefore that the LORD your God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.