Cancer and Life Updates

 I don't know if anyone really reads this who wouldn't have heard in another way, but I just noticed that I never posted that Yaacov is cancer-free. I'm sorry about that, the Lord deserves all the glory for bringing him and our whole family through cancer and chemo, and that now it is all gone! He will have regular follow-ups for testing with Dr. Rassam, but otherwise no ongoing medicine or other treatment. He has been getting sicker for longer than normal this season, so we do suspect his immune system hasn't fully recovered yet, so we'd love prayer for that. I know it's hard for him to persevere and get caught up on work and life when his body keeps holding him back. But we know the Lord is allowing it for Yaacov's good, so we pray for wisdom and patience in the meantime!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. --Psalm 103: 2-5

Last Treatment

The time has come! Today is Yaacov’s last chemo treatment. That means it’s time to reminisce and to pray that all the cancer is gone.

I just saw a FB reel of someone leaving his last treatment with a big crowd cheering him on, and I remember how I felt at my own final treatment, so many years ago. I wish I’d thought to organize something cool for Yaacov’s last one, but alas, I did not. I do have something better than a celebration though—I’ll ask for all who read this to please pray that his upcoming scan shows all the cancer is gone!

I’m guessing he will get the scan in about a week, then we will have the results the week after. We know that the chemo was working early on, because there was less shown on that scan and all of the lumps protruding from his body decreased. But, as you know if you’ve been following along, it hadn’t shrunk as much as we had hoped by then. With no other treatment options, the results of the scan will tell us everything the natural world knows about his future. My heart is racing as I think of it.

Fortunately, no matter what that scan says, we are not as affected by things in the natural world as some. Because we serve and trust in the very God who created the world and everything in it. We are confident that He has all control over cancer, scans, and chemo. We pray that it is His will for Yaacov to have many more decades of health on earth, but we not only believe the Lord’s plan is best, but we also really do know that heaven is better than earth. Yaacov just isn’t at the point of begging to be there instead of here, yet.

Anyway, please pray for Yaacov’s physical recovery from all the chemo that has been attacking his body. Pray for wisdom as he navigates the balance between work and rest, and in the choices he makes to regain strength and health. Pray for peace as we wait for scan results, and that we trust in the Lord through it all.

Some trust in chariots and some trust in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God. Psalm 20:7

All the Things

 It's impossible to adequately thank everyone for the amazing love and support we've received from all of you through this "adventure". We never would have expected to be checked in on so consistently, or that so many people would send tangible gifts, along with prayer and offers of help. We are grateful and feel the love of the Lord through His people. 

There have been a lot of ups and downs interspersed with tons of waiting in the last few months. After the last chemo treatment, Yaacov kind of hit a wall and wasn't sure he could do any more at all. He ended up taking leave from work through the end of the summer, as well as taking an extra two weeks between treatments. So, after a full month between treatments, he was feeling great until he went for chemo this morning. 

Yaacov started feeling bad from the tumors back in January, so the past two weeks were the best he's felt all year. By last weekend it seemed like the nightmare was over. We had a few days of peace where everyone felt good, Teddy behaved well, and we all had a lot of fun together. It was beautiful, and the Lord used it to help us be very aware of how blessed we are. If it weren't for the miserable cancer and chemo surrounding all this, we never would have thought to appreciate a seemingly "regular" week together. 

The best news from today is that the extra time between treatments gave his body a chance to catch up, so his bloodwork was finally back to normal. So far it seems like this round is easier on his body because of that, although he was definitely struggling by bedtime.

Dr. Rassam and Yaacov had a good talk today. We were praying for wisdom and clarity for future decisions, and I think the Lord answered! The advice wasn't what we hoped to hear, but at least it's clear. Rassam was gentle and kind, but clarified that this chemo is Yaacov's only chance for a cure. With this type of cancer and circumstances, if he quits now there won't be a chance to redo or finish it later. This was sobering for Yaacov, but also motivated him to push through the rest of the treatments. As of now he's scheduled for three more, and the next is in two weeks. He can always delay it a little if he needs to.

As Christians, we are fully aware that our strength comes from the Lord.* It's not willpower that will get Yaacov to show up for the final three treatments, or to help him recover from each. We know that we can do all things through Christ, and it is He who strengthens us*. This is the most physically broken Yaacov has ever been, yet it's in his weakness Jesus shines brighter*. It's His Spirit in us that gives us all we need*. We rarely choose to live that way, so sometimes the Lord forces it. He did this at my darkest time at MD Anderson 10+ years ago, and He's doing it now with Yaacov. 

If you're the praying type, please cover us for protection, health and peace. We are also praying that our family's suffering will encourage others to find their hope in Him. If you're not the praying type--I will boldly ask that you try it out! The more you know Him, the more you see Him, and the more you want to talk to Him. 

*All these refer to Bible verses that I didn't quote exactly. They are Phil 4:13, 2 Cor 12:9, Ps 28:7, 2 Peter 1:3

At Last, an Update!

I think a lot has happened since the last post. I believe in this time we've had a PET scan and results, as well as the final two harshest treatments. We thought the PET scan went well. Dr. Rassam called it, "beautiful". Yaacov took an extra week off to recover because his white blood count (think of that as his immune system, so "down" is bad, "up" is good) was still down, and he was completely worn out. The week off helped him so much, and by the end of it he seemed to be back to his old self!

Unfortunately, the next time he saw Dr. Rassam he was told the scan results weren't as good as we'd understood them to be, and that it's critical that his job right now is to go through chemo. We consulted with our oncologist-radiologist and they agreed that radiation would only hurt him (too many tumors, and they're right at his heart). So basically this chemo is the only earthly solution to get rid of all the cancer. He can't handle any more of the one he was having, so he just finished the harshest drug cocktail available. For the rest of the summer he will still have chemo every two weeks, but it'll be without the most powerful drug. We are praying this is potent enough to kill it all, but that it's much easier on his body.

Overall, here's a summary of the good news and implications: the cancer is shrinking and he can still have a lot of a good chemo cocktail. The Lord has sustained him and all our family thus far, and Yaacov has hardly had to miss any of the important things going on. Also, between chemo treatments he usually has about a week of improved health. Plus of course, there are several more weeks of potentially cancer-curing treatments left.

Sadly, there is plenty of bad news, and we ask that you'd consider praying for us about all of it. The news that the scan showed the cancer hasn't shrunk as much as we'd hoped is obviously scary, because the goal is to eradicate it all and to keep it from returning. But most significantly on a daily basis, Yaacov is so, so, so, so sick. Even knowing how my own massive cancer treatments went, I had no idea he would ever be this miserable. Each treatment hits him faster, harder, and for longer. Always different stuff. I found him last night shaking with chills, which he hadn't had in months. He's often too weak to walk and has taken many falls. He's in bed for almost the whole first week after each treatment, and the emotional torture all this causes him is excruciating to watch. We really need the Lord's help.

Last night, Naomi had a dance recital. Yaacov couldn't go because his white blood count is back down and he honestly couldn't have even handled the car ride to the auditorium anyway. I couldn't help but remember back to when Abi was 4, and the Lord had miraculously healed me right before her ballet recital. I was still bald and going through chemo, but the the joy and relief was palpable as I got to hold Baby Naomi while watching Abi dance. It was one of the best moments of my life. And now, 10-years later I'm in good health watching Naomi dance her own heart out. 

I know it is the enemy who kept Yaacov from enjoying Naomi's dance last night. What could steal our joy of my own healing like him being terribly sick? I read in 2 Samuel (21:15-16) about King David dealing with a giant. Everyone knows the story of David and Goliath--when David was just a boy he bravely took out a giant with a slingshot. Well, decades later he had to deal with another giant. He was already weary from constant war and this giant threatened David. The Lord didn't have him bring a slingshot to deal this time. Instead a friend came to his aid and attacked the giant. This reminds me how the Lord makes all things new. We can't expect him to always arm us with faith and a slingshot. Sometimes He fights for us in different ways. Please join us in prayer that He fights for Yaacov in new ways, and that we all get to see the Lord's glory in healing Yaacov. 

As I reminisce through the last ten years of dance recitals, I can't stop thinking about the one from 10-years ago, while Abi danced to a Veggie Tales song called, "His Banner over me is Love". A banner in the Bible is a bold proclamation that is indisputable. I pray right now that all who read this know, believe, and act on the truth from that song: "The Lord is mine and I am His, His banner over me is love, His banner over me is love". 

His banner over Yaacov, over me, and over you is LOVE.

Fourth Treatment

 I finally got a second to adjust the title and description of this blog to introduce Yaacov's journey to the world. As I settled down to type, I realized this cancer is not only a normal part of our lives now, but also that it's not ruining us. The Lord is bringing us through it, and we are not mentally broken or destroyed by it.

I won't sugar coat anything, there is no doubt that Yaacov's body is being destroyed moment by moment. He's so weak most of the time, and even at his strongest physical moments doesn't seem like his old self. However, this week's treatment (his fourth dose, I think that makes it the end of his second round?) so far has been a lot easier on him than the last one. It took about 10 days for him to recover last time, and he was the most miserable of all during throughout it. He wasn't sure he could even make it through the next one. But the Lord answered our prayers to be able to worship together at church for Easter, and that he hasn't felt quite as bad.

More good news is that Dr. Rassam spoke with a well-regarded peer in England, and they developed the rest of Yaacov's treatment plan together. The bad news is that it's harder than we hoped. He's going to be in chemo through the summer, which is four more months. He'll have one more month of this terrible chemo cocktail, then hopefully the final three months will be an easier concoction for his body to handle. He'll have a PET scan next week, but we do feel confident that it'll be clear. All his cancer pain is gone and the lumps that were protruding from his skin are all gone. So this course of treatment is intended to fully cure him from cancer and keep it away forever. 

His white blood count is still at zero, which is pretty terrible. It means his immune system can't fight off any germs that he's exposed to. So of course on Friday we got news that Teddy was exposed to COVID. Because, you know, the enemy prowls around like a roaring lion and wants nothing more than to destroy us. But we worship the Lord God Almighty who is bigger than the enemy, bigger than COVID, and bigger than cancer. We just need to remember that during really hard days!

Thanks so much for all the prayers and support! We have been so blessed with help, helpers, provision, and all-around love. I feel sort of guilty that there are so many people suffering more than us, but we are flooded with love in so many ways. But we are still so grateful.

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." --Romans 8:18

Health Update

I haven’t been great about posting, but I think most people in our lives get updates separately anyway. That might not be true for long though, because we have to go off the grid. Yaacov has critically low white blood cells (literally ZERO), so keeping him healthy is a matter of life and death. He’s quarantined and for now the rest of us don’t have to stay away from him, but we are going to be extra-diligent and might end up locking ourselves up just in case. 

He had chemo today, which was his third one. He has another in two weeks and then a scan before making decisions. But Dr. Rassam can feel the first tumor shrinking and I think all (or most) of his associated pain is gone! Unfortunately, he feels the worst he’s ever felt today and when he does walk around I stay close in case he needs help. Describing this as “hard” is an understatement.

We do have some good reports and I’m trying to focus on those. You might have heard of some of these recent struggles: our fridge, washing machine, van, and garbage disposal all broke. And then I got a speeding ticket. But, We were able to get a new fridge, then someone BOUGHT us a washing machine!!!! We are still overwhelmed by this. Speechless. In the meantime friends and my mom have done our laundry, and many others offered. Oh, and my van needed a new engine, but Honda Care unexpectedly covered the majority of this cost! People have given us gift cards, too, and others have been bringing us meals. I hardly have to cook at all, and when Yaacov has an appetite he LOVES the variety and fun that comes with other people than me doing the cooking! 

So, we feel like we’re in a war and we are. The enemy loves to prowl around and try to devour the children of God. But we know that all things work together for good for those who are called according to His (God’s) purpose (Romans 8:28). We are definitely called to declare the great news of all The Lord has done, so if these momentary troubles are part of this season, we know He will also strengthen and enable us to continue. 

Overall, there is a lot of bad stuff going on, but we are all amazed by the generosity and encouragement of those around us. We really don’t deserve it but are incredibly grateful. 

Chemo 1

Our hearts are full by all the offers of help, prayer and love! Everyone should go through hardships once in awhile to experience the blessing of loved ones reaching out, it's really encouraging!

The truth is that at the beginning we felt like it was Teddy, not cancer or chemo, that was making this season so hard. If you've missed it, we adopted Teddy a few years ago. He has developmental disabilities and is a really hard kiddo to raise. Although I have tons of experience with kids with disabilities, it's that more than the adoption part of having him that's so hard. He gets tons of therapy, but still the frequency and magnitude of tantrums and whining makes it hard to get through some days. I'm not sharing this to bash him, I just want to be real to remind other parents of kids with special needs that they aren't alone. I think it's hard to relate if all your kids are "normal".

Anyway, after a lot of prayer I'm happy to report that Teddy has been behaving better, and my heart is also responding to him in a more loving manner (which in turn surely helps his behavior!). So, thanks be to God for that massive improvement. The house and car are much more peaceful without someone screaming at us all day.

Unfortunately, Yaacov's response to chemo has not been as positive an experience. He had his first round on Monday, and felt pretty good that day. Even though he started turning yellow in the evening, we weren't too worried. But it's gotten worse each day, and he even had to cancel a class today. He's been very concerned about having to do that, so he didn't take the decision lightly. He's extremely nauseas, has GI issues, is exhausted, and has already lost his sense of taste. I didn't lose my taste until the very end of chemo, and I remember that was the first time I really considered quitting. So for him to lose it so quickly makes me a little nervous. But the Lord is in control of every side effect of this treatment! If you're praying, however, please pray for a total recovery from the current issues, and for peace, health and comfort. I'm also thinking of calling Dr. Rassam today for more help, but I'm not really sure what to ask. The Lord is Yaacov's perfect advocate, so I know if He wants to use me to obtain more help, He will do so!

Highlights of this season so far: 

*Yaacov coming out of anesthesia singing a ballad version of a Snoop song. He slowly covered his lips and whispered, "swear word", to replace inappropriate lyrics. Don't worry, I was able to record it!

*Several people have shared stories of how the Lord always shows up exactly when we need Him. His timing is perfect, and He is faithful to encourage us with such memories.

*I'm learning how awful it is to watch someone suffer, and he is physically suffering much more than ever before. This will help us both with future ministry opportunities, and it's also bringing us closer.

*Anytime we get to go through hard things, we are more aware of the Lord and His presence and promises. He doesn't leave us alone and will never forsake us! "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."--Isaiah 41:10

Yaacov’s Cancer Story

Our lives are a little crazy right now so it seems like a good idea to try to post information on here for those who want to know. Maybe it’ll save me a little time in sharing updates, and help me process a little. 

A few weeks ago was my 10-year healing anniversary. That was a Wednesday. Literally the next day, we learned that Yaacov has cancer.

It was a sudden bombshell, but it has been so chaotic that I don’t have much time to worry or feel sorry for myself. I’d like to say the same for Yaacov, but don’t want to risk that. He’s had a lot more sleepless nights, in too much pain to rest well, with nothing to do but think. 

The basics are that this is Hodgkins Lymphoma, and as of now it’s staged as 2A. At first that was a relief, because the prognosis is so good. However, he has many tumors that are growing quickly. So far he’s had one partially removed, another grow so big it’s interfering with his lung capacity, had 3 CT scans, a PET scan, a bone marrow biopsy, a lung capacity test, and two trips to the ER for heart pain. 

Next week he has a surgery to have his port put in, and he starts chemo Thursday. We were fortunate enough to get in with my original doctors, Dr.’s Crooms and Rassam. 

We have been inundated with love and offers of help, and a ton of people are praying for us. He’s an elder at our church now, and says it’s an honor to suffer along with the other members to give him more empathy and understanding. I doubt it felt like such an honor when they were drilling into his hip to harvest bone marrow yesterday!

We were supposed to have one last amazing family weekend before chemo starts, but Teddy is sick so I have to keep him away from Yaacov. He and the girls are still making great memories, though. 

Stay tuned for more updates, and keep praying to our Great Physician, that He will heal Yaacov and be glorified in his body and our circumstances. If you know us and have questions, please touch base with me before him. He’s quite busy keeping up with work and all these appointments.

Wesley

I don't even know little Wesley, but he's important to our family. Especially to Naomi, who also doesn't know him. He is in first grade at her school, and is also related to a few staff there. He was diagnosed with a rare stomach cancer and is fighting it bravely. 

I wasn't sure of the logistics for this "blessing 10 others" thing that the Lord put in my head, but Naomi kind of started it for me. The other day she came up to me crying and told me she didn't want to go to Space Camp, which is the highlight of her 5th grade year. It's really expensive and she asked if she could skip it and donate all the money we would have spent to Wesley. Cue my own tears!

Wesley has a gofundme account going, and I really don't know that money will help them. It's only God that can make a real difference. But for all the efforts we make to support them we're making a point to pray for them also. He has a ton of support, I hear about him everywhere I turn. So I'm praying that all those people who know about and pray for him will grow closer to the Lord through this experience. May the Lord use this difficult time in his and his family's lives to draw countless others closer to Him. Let them all see God through Wesley!

Naomi is still going to Space Camp, and we're letting her redirect all the money she's been saving and raising for it to give to him. So if you're local and want any baked goods, message me or check my Facebook page for the order form. Also please check out his story, which is attached to this fundraising link. But most of all, please pray for him and his family, and watch how the Lord answers our prayers!

This is the verse that's going out with his story, and it chokes me up every time: 

1 Peter 5:10 "And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast."

Let it, be, Lord!

https://gofund.me/53ec80a8

Tangibly Blessing Others: Updated!

UPDATED: 1) We might still have room to bless a few others, so please contact me and pass this to others.

                    2) For another upcoming project, I'm collected stories of testimonies and answered prayers. Basically any cool times the Lord has moved that you'd be willing to share the story of. I'd love to get a ton of them, so if you'd send them to me, or just an intro to them and I'll give more info of what I need at that point it would be great. Again, please ask people you know who might want to share to contact me, and follow along for updates. I really don't spam people or anything!

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During my Bible study at Bible Study Fellowship, we were asked, "how can you make way for the Lord's return?". I immediately thought of all the "influencers" (regular people who make it big on internet platforms like YouTube and suddenly are revered for their opinions on a variety of matters) who are spreading secular news that people respond to. I think John the Baptist would have been the equivalent of a present-day influencer. We need more to spread the message that the Lord will be returning, and we do not know the day or hour. 

I don't personally have the influence like those described above, but do think every word spoken or written can make a difference toward spreading this message. But after praying about all this I'm going to make a more deliberate effort to do some of this, and ask that you all would join me. Maybe together we can spread some good news!

The Lord put some cool ideas on my heart, and they're all intimidating, so I've been putting off this post for awhile now. But I can do all things through Him, so by His strength and courage we'll get to see Him do cool things. Since February will be the 10-year anniversary of my own healing, what better way to celebrate by blessing other people? We're going to select 10 people or families in desperate situations and try to bless them.

I'm hoping there will be some surprises involved, so I don't want to post every detail yet. But everyone who reads this (or listens to the podcast I'm starting to work on, stay tuned!!) can take part. This isn't about me in any way, it's about Him and blessing His children.

The plan: 

    1. I'll select 10 people or families and decided on the goals of how to bless them. I'd really like to hear from representatives of those people who can help with the details, so if you know of someone this could help, please contact me asap with info (they could be sick or suffering in any other way). We will work on blessing people with tangible needs or just special gifts like going to Disney.

    2. Pray: We will pray regularly for all these people and work on collecting what we need to bless them, and we'll post all the praises from what He's doing in their lives in the meantime.

    3. Collect: Hopefully the Lord will put it on other people's hearts to help collect what is needed for these blessings, then they can be blessed by seeing the fruit of all this.

So, any of this resonates with you, you will please pray for this endeavor, and elect anyone who can think of who could use such a blessing? You can contact me through the blog or email me at epetscher@gmail.com.

Hebrews 13:16, "Don't forget to do good and to share what you have because God is pleased with these kinds of sacrifices."

Praying for Ella

 My friend, Ella has already checked in this morning for brain surgery in Texas. I'm so impressed by the faith of her and her family. She had breast cancer before me and was very encouraging and faithful when I needed my own support back then. She really believed the Lord would heal me. Skipping ahead to this season, she developed a brain tumor and kept it quiet because her daughter Karla was getting married. She didn't want her own issues to take away from that special day.

Today is Ella's special day! The surgeons are preparing for a long surgery to remove this scary, dangerous-looking tumor. But our great physician is the only One in true control. He has plans for her, and to show Himself to those unreachable souls who think they hold life in their hands. We ask that He would remind us all of who He is. The same God who made the earth, the sun and skies made every cell in her body. Please, pray that He would heal every one of those cells now. That He would not only remove the unhealthy ones, but that He would restore them all to function better than ever. May they regenerate as pure, unadulterated cells that live and create more life.

"I shall not die, but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done"--Psalm 117:18.

Let it be. 

Almost TEN Years!

I heard a podcaster the other day say that the problem with blogging is that it's never finished...in my case, it has felt "done" for quite awhile. For a bit I tried to change websites, but finally let that one lapse for lack of use. 

However, I finally have something important enough to share with the world! Contrary to what some others expected, it's not that the cancer is back or anything. It's that it's been almost 10 YEARS since I was healed! We make such a point to remember and celebrate other big things in our lives, I just can't help but make a big deal out of this.

As a quick recap of my story, about 10 years ago I was nursing our daughter, Naomi, who couldn't even crawl yet. Our oldest, Abigail, was only 3. I had noticed a lump that wouldn't go away, and it took a long time to finally learn that it was breast cancer. And the worst news of all was that it had already spread throughout my body. It was incurable, stage 4--no medical treatments could remove it all. The best any drugs or procedures could do would be to slow the spread and aim for as many comfortable days as possible before I died.

My husband, Yaacov, started preparing to be a single dad. My own dad moved to Tallahassee to help with the kids while I went through chemo, double mastectomies, and radiation. I mourned and tried to be Super Mom while I could... And we prayed.

First we prayed that I'd live long enough to see the girls accept the Lord as their savior. I was so afraid they would turn from Him in their pain if I died first. Then I got braver and prayed for 10 more healthy years. I had heard of a woman who beat many, many odds to live that long with stage 4 breast cancer, and I thought maybe the Lord would bless me like he blessed her. That would have been when the kids were tween- and teen-aged, which is a terrible time to lose a parent. So, finally, we realized that if we were asking for a miracle in the first place, we might as well go big with it.

In the end, we asked for prayer from others, and it spread like wildfire. People passed our story and requests out until we had people in all 50 states and 18 different countries praying that I would be miraculously healed. We prayed specifically that the doctors would be dumbfounded by the healing, so that only God would get the glory.

And He did. After just a few chemo treatments, my oncologist ran over and told me he'd never seen anything like my scan results. My cancer had disappeared! And it has never returned.

I still see him annually, and he talks about it every time. 

The Lord answers prayers. 

I'm living proof.

Status

 FYI, I had transferred my blog and posted a basic copy of my book but those aren't currently available. I'm working on updating all. Comment or message me if you are looking for anything or updates in the meantime!

Prayer Challenge

I transferred my blog to www.unceasinglove.com, but haven't posted much lately anyway. I started an unrelated 40-day prayer challenge on Facebook about a week ago, but keep feeling a prompt to mention it on here. So, maybe the Lord is asking one of you to get involved! It's simple, We post a daily prayer focus and see the Lord respond. It's all about Him being enough for us, And the truth that we are enough for Him, without barriers or impressive accomplishments. Anyway, join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/209255406217220/?ref=bookmarks

If the link doesn't work, go to Facebook and search for "ENOUGH: A 40-day prayer journey".

Whatever you are struggling with, He will help...not because you are righteous or innocent on your own, but because we pray in Jesus' name, and there is POWER in the name of Jesus!

Rest in Peace

I've been trying to encourage a friend who the Lord is unveiling as an intercessor, while living out the hard consequences of interceding for people. The truth about intercession is that it's really depressing. And lonely. Disappointment abounds as we look for God's hand at work and can't see it, day after day.

I have this general policy that I can only take on a few prayer "projects" at a time. So many people need prayer, and I can't stand rattling off an impersonal list of needs to God. So I limit it to the people He really puts on my heart. Because, I want to really love Him enough to wholeheartedly seek healing for His people. I want to love His people enough to lose sleep over their condition. To lose my breath when their own breathing is restricted. To lose my appetite when theirs fails. The Lord inspired so many strangers to loved me like that when I was sick. Isn't that the least I can do for others?

I guess praying passionately for other people is my version of loving outrageously, even though they may never feel the effects of it. Because no matter how passionate our pleas are, we don't always see answers. Lately it feels like I rarely receive responses.

I posted about Lyn a time or two on here. She was diagnosed with breast cancer a little less than a year ago. She had a nice life and a loving family, and a strong desire for the Lord to heal her. But she went to heaven today. I recently heard a pastor mention with disdain that some well-meaning people pray others "out of heaven", by praying that they'd have more time on earth. I don't want to do that, although considering how many of our prayers go unanswered, I'm not convinced God keeps people around who don't belong here just because faithful people ask Him to.

I'm really sad that Lyn passed away. I only met her a few times, but prayed for her (along with many others) with passion and zeal, and can feel the disappointment she had to carry as her hopes were dashed, along with juggling the feelings of loved ones. I absolutely trust the Lord though, and believe today was the day she met Him and began that part of eternity. She told me how special it was to her that the Lord had me praying, and I know that part of my role with her was to share some of His love.

So, how can we not see big, juicy fruit from all of our prayers, yet keep praying? How can we juggle the knowledge that God is sovereign and always right, with the disappointment from some of His choices? How can we encourage others to intercede with passion when we suspect He won't answer?

I don't know.

I guess we persevere because God tells us to. Because with Him we are able, and if He enables us He has a reason. Because "we are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not despairing; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed" (2 Cor 4:8-9). And because once in awhile His glory does fall on us, and we need to be ready for it. Make us ready, Lord!

Outrageous Love

The idea of "outrageous love" has followed me around for months now. It started when I heard a guy in a documentary mention that Christians are not known for their outrageous love. I was offended for a moment, before realizing he was right...

Given the timing of this post aligning with the recent Supreme Court ruling, I just have to clarify that I am not in any way talking about the world's definition of love. I wish that type had a different name so I could draw a better distinction. There are several types of love in the New Testament, but I'm reflecting on deep, heartfelt passion for God and for the people God created. That is not the same as giving people what they want to make them happy. If those things lead them to sin or there is a reason God wants to withhold those things from them, it's not at all loving to lead them astray in that way.

I think it's human nature to desire to be outrageously loved. Pretty much all the mainstream movies I can think of involve someone selflessly--courageously-- putting oneself at risk for the well-being of another. Yet I also remember the disillusionment I faced when I was younger, when I concluded that we all wish for others to take big risks for us, yet it's rare that we are willing to do it for others. In real life, we're afraid to fight for others, or sometimes don't love them enough to leave our comfort zones to do so.

We have a perfect example of one human who did love us outrageously. The work of the One we follow could be summed up with the term, "outrageous love". I daresay John 3:16 is one of the most famous truths from the Bible: "For God so loved the world that He gave His only son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life". It's outrageous, but true. Maybe that's why it's so hard for some people to believe.

"You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8.

So, if we were saved--delivered from the certainty of eternal damnation, and released from our chains of slavery--by an act of outrageous love, how could we consider not sharing that love in an outrageous way?

God plays the beautiful Veggie Tales version of "His Banner over Me is Love" through my mind frequently. The words are true, His banner over me IS love, and I have the precious memory of watching Abigail dance in her first recital to that song, right after I was healed. Everything about it casts the cares of this world away and reminds me of the truth of His outrageous love for me.

Some people go through life not experiencing or receiving the outrageous love of God or from His people, but it seems like time and time again God has called others to share His love for me in powerful ways. They aren't always huge gestures. Sometimes it's the little things, timed perfectly. And sometimes the experiences seem so minor that if we aren't paying attention we miss the magnitude. I usually am very general on here so I don't accidentally miss anyone and leave them feeling unappreciated. But, I will make an exception in this case. I have a friend who loved me really well through our journey with cancer, and I'm sad because she just moved away. So, I thought I'd give her the attention I should have given her while she lived in town.

As I type I recognize that these acts don't seem that significant, but they are and were very important to me. Something about this outrageous love is the personalized experience, knowing that God knows what we need and when we need it. It can also assure us that we don't need to sail around the world to love others well. Just stay close to the Lord and He will reveal the opportunities.

Shannon was the first non-relative to ever watch baby Naomi. She took her when I had surgical appointments two days in a row, and Naomi cried the whole time. Naomi was inconsolable (still hadn't taken a bottle or anything), but Shannon didn't act like it was any burden at all. She made it seem easy and I can't tell you the relief I felt with being able to leave her and not feel guilty about it. Better yet, while I was still in my "I won't let cancer break me!" phase, Shannon was the first person I saw shed a tear over it. I had known her less than a year and received her vulnerability as a precious gift that inspired me to embrace the broken heartedness I felt. It is okay to be sad, it's okay to care for others. In fact, Jesus wept for His friends, and that was the example Shannon followed. Lastly, when I started this blog I was literally terrified to be put to shame. Sharing my feelings in a public forum--literally inviting others to reject my innermost, hidden self--was indescribably frightening. Not only did she follow it immediately, but before I had even memorized the web address, she had shared it with everyone she saw. She followed the Holy Spirit to fight through outreach and prayer for my family and for me, and she does things like that for others every single day. Houston is so fortunate that she and her whole family are on their way to share God's love with them!

Trials of Terror

You might have seen that I dared to post good news about the Good News of Jesus on Wednesday. I spent a few minutes extolling the Lord and some of the great things He has done in supernaturally healing me of incurable cancer. So, of course, the following day it looked like everything had changed...

I went to my routine bi-annual appointment with Dr. Crooms, my awesome surgeon. I would remind you how completely amazing he is, but the best nurse in the world, Nurse Karen, asked that I stop advertising for them--the list of patients waiting to get in with him is just too long! Anyway, I had a lump of scar tissue that Dr. Rassam hasn't been concerned about, but Dr. Crooms was interested in it and wanted a closer look. He gave me an ultrasound then had me come back today for a biopsy. 

I don't know if this event arose from some sort of interchange between the devil and the Lord,  like what happened in Job. Maybe God wanted me to see what I would do in a situation like this. Either way, I've entitled it, "Trial of Terror: Will They or Won't They?" Because it was so clear that it was an opportunity to put our money where our mouths were--would we allow terror to set in, and embrace the panic of having the cancer return (or another cancer discovered)? Or would we stand firm in the faith of who God is? Yaacov told me a few times that it was our chance for a do-over from how we handled cancer the first time around. To which I (obviously) thought, "But I rocked the first diagnosis, no need for a do-over..."

But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Cor 11:13

I think most cancer survivors have a bit of PTSD related to their diagnosis, and in my case, sometimes my world sort of revolves around the fact that God healed me of it when there was nothing else men could do to help me. Not only do I remember every detail of my original diagnosis, but so much of it was the same yesterday. He used the same ultrasound machine and gave me the same news, "I can do a biopsy today and get the permanent section results back in a few days, or you can come back in the morning and we could get the preliminary results in an hour". This is because it was after business hours both times he decided to give me a biopsy. The first time around we got a false negative result with the preliminary, frozen section, yet I went for that option again this time.

God gives me so much freedom that I could have reacted the same way I did three years ago and it would have been okay. Back then I clung to Jesus but was simultaneously completely panicked. My inner voice spoke as loudly and quickly as the real people I spoke to, resulting in an influx of turmoil and stress. My mind jumped rapidly between "what ifs", self-pity, and planning for the future. This time, though, my faith is stronger. Peace is more thorough, my foundation sturdier. This time, my heart didn't even skip a beat. God helped me control my thinking, and I slept soundly. He assured me that what He does is complete, nothing can be added or taken from it (Ecc 3:14). More importantly, He reminded me that I honestly prefer His plan to my own, and He will carry me wherever I need to go. There's no room for self-pity or doubts in the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 12:20 Or how can someone enter a strong man's house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? Then indeed he may plunder his house.

We have total peace in God's plan and I am certain that I am cancer-free. But mostly, I am encouraged to be able to see some of the tangible growth that both Yaacov and I have made in our walks with Christ over the past few years. The biopsy experiences were so similar they were like pre- and post- tests. Hopefully our scores improved! I had a pretty strong faith and a perfectly healthy, easy life at the time of the pre-test. But I am so grateful that in His sovereignty He had bigger plans for me--an intervention! He pre-planned the journey to make me a better person by teaching me about fear, healing, faith, prayer, compassion, perseverance, and love. He used suffering to enlighten me and I wouldn't reject that blessing if given the choice.

The frozen section biopsy came back negative, like we expected. We should get the permanent section results early next week. 

For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen. Romans 11:36


UPDATE: The permanent section biopsy came back negative, too! We are so thankful to this God we serve, through whom all things are possible!

More answers to prayer

I've been healed for so long now that cancer is no longer a conscious part of each day. I remember before I was healed, recognizing how many people can't get "past" it. I saw how it really is impossible to not fear future recurrences, an underlying condition that might cause an ache or pain, or to blame all your problems on the trauma they went through with it. And that was just for people without a terminal diagnosis. For those of us with incurable cancer, just the physical healing is an intangible pipe dream, so we are more willing to leverage the standard of perfect future health with just not dying from the cancer. But there is one who has a long history of delivering His people. He breaks the ties we have to fear, physical and emotional diseases, and to all sin.

I have been cancer free for more than three years now. No one had any expectation of that except God and some of His faithful followers. There was no reason to hope for such a thing, other than for the hope we have in our Savior, who died for my own sins, and is able to do more than we could ever imagine (Eph 3:20). He did it. To Him be the glory! No matter how great doctors, medicine, and people are, their value could never compare to the One who "gives more grace" (James 4:6).

I saw Dr. Rassam on Monday, and he gave me the great news that he wants to take me off Xgeva, a bone density shot that I have received for the past 36 months. The drug doesn't have longterm studies for people like me because...people like me aren't supposed to be cancer-free. So, every month I've spent 1-2 hours, kids in tow, getting bloodwork taken, waiting on results, then getting the shot. He always told me I'd be on it forever, and it didn't occur to me until this week to pray to get off it. Within minutes of that prayer I found myself in his office, and he told me he wants to confirm with a bone scan (not until September), and then I'll go off that drug!

When we were praying for the first clear PET scans, I prayed specifically to be told one day that I have "no evidence of disease". I got the clear scan, which was better, but those weren't words I heard. For three years there have been no setbacks, no substantial hints of a problem. I forgot that prayer, because of the truth that there was no evidence. But on Monday as I was leaving, Dr. Rassam had a talk with the chemo nurse about stopping the Xgeva. That's when I heard those words I longed for--"She has no evidence of disease...there has been no evidence for several years...". Nothing could compare to the first time he told me I was healed, but it was an unexpected treasure to hear those words, and to remember the urgency with which I prayed it three years ago. His timing is perfect, His memory awesome. I was extraordinarily blessed by not having to wait the three years to be healed--I've been healthy for longer than I ever could deserve. But it's still a great reminder that He hears our prayers and He does answer. His timing is always better than ours. His word is true, the promises real, His love is thorough.

Say Something

I'm having trouble with Blogger and am ready to upgrade this blog, so please send me any suggestions (or sites/things to NOT do!)

I'm suddenly unable to respond to comments on here and there are a few I can't bear to ignore--the negative ones. People who send stuff like that probably don't expect an answer, or might think I'll argue. But I believe there are real inquiries hidden behind the sarcasm, and pain is also wrapped in there. So, I read through a comment left on a post called, "More" from before I was healed. Instead of feeling led to respond to the comment I have decided to add more detail...

It was when we were leaving Texas, completely broken and devastated. I had been told time after time that I was dying but there were always more experts to ask, more leads to follow. Until Texas. My throat is drying up now as I think back to that day. I feel dizzy and weak, and somehow filled with shame, just remembering. This is cheesy, but since then I've noticed this lovely song reminds me of that time. 

I have shared these details in public but not necessarily all on here: I was all alone at MD Anderson when the doctors dashed my hopes. It wasn't what they said, I'd heard that before. It was how they said it, like I was stupid for caring that I was about to die. That I was too dense to understand that my days were numbered, and that I was unworthy of the effort it would take them to try help me. Yaacov and the girls were waiting for me at an apartment we had rented, because it was just supposed to be the introductory meeting, the time set aside for paperwork and scheduling. Dr. Litton was literally my last earthly hope, and we were so sure that the Lord had sent us to her. So, not only were all my hopes dashed, but I also had to go tell Yaacov and my daughters that all our hopes were dashed. This time there was no silver lining to add a positive spin. I had yet to shed a tear in front of any of my doctors, but with the finality of this news I couldn't hold them back. I ran through the hospital, followed by a trail of tears...hunted for our rented minivan for what felt like hours, in the dark parking structure of the hospital. There was a huge thunderstorm blasting outside, and it echoed through my whole body. By the time I locked myself into the van I was convulsing with emotional agony. I screamed and sobbed to the Lord with desperation and loss until I was choking on my own vomit. I begged this God for help, for a lifeline...I listened for His voice but heard nothing but the deafening storm. I felt abandoned and alone, foolish and beaten. For me this was the most tragic of  days, the most hopeless of hours. 

The Lord did not answer me in a way that I could hear. 

Not only was my petition almost identical to the lyrics I have since heard of Say Something, but whenever I hear that song it brings me back to that moment. When I was searching for a link to it I stumbled across a solo saxophone version of it--where the video is staged in a dark parking structure like the one I cried to the Lord in. Finding that feels like an extra boost of affection from the Lord for me. He knows how I felt then, and how I feel now. He had mercy on me by healing me, which changes the outcome, but doesn't affect the memory. I thought I needed to hear from Him, but He had already equipped me with everything I needed.

Isaiah 49:23, "Those who wait for me shall not be put to shame."

Hebrews 13:20;21 May the God of peace...equip you with everything good that you may do His will, working in us that which is pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory forever and ever. Amen!"

Responding to The Resurrection

We went to a Third Day concert the other day and there was this awesome singer named Harvest Parker there who stole the show. She told a story about the Moravian missionaries (who were so awesome that this doesn't do them justice, btw) who sold themselves into slavery to reach a group in the West Indies who would not allow preachers or missionaries in. As they were heading out, with no hope to ever return, someone passionately yelled, "May the lamb receive the reward of His suffering", which seems to be a summation of Revelation 5 and is also the summation of our celebration of the resurrection, and of Jesus in general. We are unworthy to receive His sacrifice, but He gave it to us anyway. He did it because He loves us and it's the only way to cleanse us in preparation of eternal life with Him. But our job is not just to receive from Him. It's to glorify Him in all that we do! Here's a link to her song, which is very moving (the one in Tallahassee was even better but I didn't get the whole thing on my phone).

The Lord was already working on my boldness when I heard that, and it was reinforced there. This verse below was also so important to me that I couldn't let it go:

"My eager expectation and hope is that I will not be ashamed about anything, but that now as always, with all boldness, Christ will be highly honored in my body, whether by life or death." Phil 1:20

Lord, do not let us be put to shame. Our faith is weak, our evil desires are strong, and the pull of the world is powerful. But You are mighty. When we are yoked with you we can do all things through you, and we ask that you will show this to your enemies. Do not let our humanness put us to shame, but guide us and go before us so all men see your power through our testimonies.

Our pastor at Four Oaks, Paul Gilbert, said, "if your conscience isn't clear you don't make a good witness". Lord, thank-you for forgiving our sins, for dying on the cross, and for returning from the grave three days later--thereby fulfilling the prophesies and completing the transactions of submitting your righteousness and bearing our sin. By your stripes we are healed, we are fully forgiven, clear our consciences and guide our steps away from the sin we so readily return to. Help us to be bold for you, to be strong and courageous, and to share your love with meaning and truth!

Lord, help us to trust you with our lives, and with our deaths. Help us to recognize that we are not our own, and to earnestly desire to be used for your glory, whether your plan takes us to the cross or to the mall. Help us to be real, living sacrifices for you, and to go wherever you send us, with perfect peace and profound love. Your way is the only way we desire.

Because, "my eager expectation and hope is that I will not be ashamed about anything, but that now as always, with all boldness, Christ will be highly honored in my body, whether by life or death."