Cancer and Life Updates

 I don't know if anyone really reads this who wouldn't have heard in another way, but I just noticed that I never posted that Yaacov is cancer-free. I'm sorry about that, the Lord deserves all the glory for bringing him and our whole family through cancer and chemo, and that now it is all gone! He will have regular follow-ups for testing with Dr. Rassam, but otherwise no ongoing medicine or other treatment. He has been getting sicker for longer than normal this season, so we do suspect his immune system hasn't fully recovered yet, so we'd love prayer for that. I know it's hard for him to persevere and get caught up on work and life when his body keeps holding him back. But we know the Lord is allowing it for Yaacov's good, so we pray for wisdom and patience in the meantime!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all His benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. --Psalm 103: 2-5

PET scan and Ballet

I had a PET scan on Thursday. Dr. Crooms sent me because it's been a year since my last one. The one last year was the first PET scan I had ever had with no cancer at all. I haven't gotten the results yet but know they will be clear. This will mark one year without any evidence of disease. During the test I had no nerves. I felt like an old pro, I wait for the results without a hint of fear. This confidence comes from God (2 Cor 3:4) and is one of the hugest internal improvements I've had since the start of this journey with cancer.

Abigail has the confidence from the Lord, too. I was reminded of it this weekend at her dance recital. I can look back on the day I was healed as the best news I've ever received, but as for best experiences ever, it pales in comparison to watching Abi do ballet. Her first recital was this time last year and I felt the same both times. Watching her dance with the grace of a five-year-old brings up every emotion I have felt since I had her. Her sweet smile brings me peace and joy. As she gallops across the stage I remember the ups and downs of bringing a child into the world to love, trying to carry her through the difficult times, and seeing her land seamlessly on her feet after all she's endured. All my prayers about her not having to lose her mom were answered and nothing hints that she's had to become wise beyond her years. Instead she exudes love. She shines like the brightest star, not like someone with doubts, who looks over her shoulder for danger, someone who fears taking a deep breath. She poses with the grace of a young lady who is entirely secure and for that I am extremely grateful and motivated. There is nothing more perfect than watching her dance and I know the Lord enjoys seeing His child perform, too. I know that we who struggle with adversity are hurt but not destroyed (2 Cor 4:9), and we should all strive to dance for Him as though we too were happy five-year-olds.

2 Samuel 6:14, "Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord."

God has been so amazing to us...always! He answers prayers, looks out for our best interests, and changes our hearts to line up with those interests. How great and majestic is He? How He loves us better than our earthly fathers! How He aches with us, yearns for us, sees through us. He is the Almighty God, creator of heaven and earth and all good things. He is to be feared not because of what He can do to us but because of His awesomeness! Everyone gets a chance to draw close to Him. Your chance is now.

Priorities

I have a lot of long term projects hanging over my head right now, and recently had a big breakthrough about them--they aren't important! There are obviously parts of everyone's lives that necessarily create a pit in their stomachs, but it's occurring to me that they don't need to comprise a large part of my day and concerns. I made a mental list of the (many) that do that for me. The current ones are all self-imposed, like the commitment I made to finishing my next book. I made that on my blog, really to myself. Not a publisher or anyone else that matters. Now whenever I start working on writing different things I remember that goal and feel guilty I'm not working on it. It eats away at me. I'm praying about the answer, but I'm pretty sure I'm taking it off the to-do list. Along with about five other unimportant things that stress me out.

This is pretty huge for me. It goes along with the "release yourself" idea that I usually take issue with. I really respect hard work and honoring commitments, as well as the satisfaction and benefits that come from a goal achieved. However, all the things that stress me out right now are things I decided to do independently. No one is counting on them but me, and I think I might go ahead and release myself from them.

So, that's progress. I think it's working more intentionally toward my priorities. God has spoken a lot about them to me this week. My priorities must be: God, Yaacov, Abi & Naomi, then the ministries I'm involved with. I was praying about my mission this week and feel strongly that it is to tell people what God has done for me. To glorify Him. That must be interwoven among the priorities but if I'm doing a good job in my relationship with Him, that will fall into place. Anything else on my to-do list must correspond to it's spot on my priority list.

1 Cor 10:31, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."

I feel good about all this. Here are a few other things I have going on:
Friday is the Joanna Francis Living Well Foundation event. It is a fundraiser to help people with stage 4 cancer pay their non-medical expenses. I am one of the honorees who supposedly does a good job of "Living Well". The only things I really do to live well is keep a positive attitude and pray. I got to nominate doctors who helped me live well. They picked Dr. Crooms and Dr. Rassam and those two are being recognized. This is an event that has caused me stress, but that has waned recently and I hope it will be fun. I would appreciate prayers for it because it is the first cancer-related event I will go to without the opportunity to say anything. That means I have no chance to tell people what God has done. And that in some weird way I am getting attention like I've done something great. It's sort of anti-God in that way. Please pray for opportunities to tell the truth to these people. I also don't know who else is being "honored", but because it is for people with advanced cancer, I expect to be the only one healed. I ran into one person involved with it and she still assumes I have it and am between treatments. I know a lot of people think that, and as much as I hate to admit it, hearing that sort of thing gives me a hiccup in my confidence. So honestly I avoid it. Anyway, I don't want to tell a bunch of people who are dying that I am not dying. And I don't want to sit there quietly and let them assume I ate so much broccoli that my cancer went away. And I don't want this, I don't want that, yada yada. Please just join me in prayer about it.

If you want to support the Living Well Foundation, you can do so by going to the event or probably just giving money. The link is: www.joannafrancislivingwell.com

Romans 14:20, "Do not destroy the work of God for the sake of food. All food is clean, but it is wrong for a man to eat anything that causes someone else to stumble."

I felt led to start fundraising for an amazing woman named Debora Passetti. I have mentioned her on here before. She prayed intensely for me during cancer then was diagnosed, at stage 4, herself. It gets worse though. Her husband had just retired, they'd bought a camper to travel the country. They can't do that now, and the cancer in her liver is not letting up. So her sons moved back to Tallahassee to be closer to her. What do you know, her son was driving one of their cars and got rear-ended. He broke his spine in two places. The police said normally people just die on the scene from that. He has a motor tic and if he had just had one little tic after the crash he would have been paralyzed. But he didn't! We rejoice because he is not paralyzed and is doing great. But it's still so much for his parents to deal with. Too much.

They depend on the Lord but it is clearly a difficult time in their lives. Retirement always drops people's income so it's probably extra hard on her husband to feel a lack of control from that. I read online that the average insured person still spends over $700/month on cancer. So anyway, we started an account where people can donate but so far it's not taking off. I am not sure what to do from here. I have some ideas for fundraisers but they all have downsides so I'm stagnant. If you would like to help support their family, the link is: www.giveforward.com/supportfordeborapassetti

1 Timothy 6:18, "Command them to do good, to be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share."

Updates and Surgery

I am doing great, praise God! I saw Dr. Rassam last week and he was back to his old self. A few visits ago he had changed his tune from saying I had a miraculous recovery, to saying we were just managing the cancer well. I have a little PTSD from all the bad news at this point, so whenever I walk into the place I am tense until after I see him. For the past two visits though, he has been back to normal. On both occasions he poked around on me and said, "I might start believing that you are actually cured of this too!". This is the highest praise and confidence anyone could expect, I think.

I was sure he would send me for a PET scan, but wrong again. He had two types of cancer marker tests done. Both for breast cancer, but one was a new addition, for people who already went through treatment. The CA 27.29 test (the one I've had done before) has a range from normal people of between 0 and 38. Last time mine was 26.5. This time it was 14!!! Zero is not necessarily the goal, because it can be good to have a few. The CA 15.3 test is the new one and I think the range for normaly people is 0 to 25, and this was 10!!! Hooray!!!!

I was waiting to hear responses before mentioning this, but I think I will not get any...for those who wondered, I finally sent notes to some of the doctors who told me I'd be dead soon. I couldn't get the right email for the one at Mayo so didn't send his, but did get one to the genetic counselor there.  I told her about my miracle and she responded, "I'm so glad you've had such a positive reaction to chemo!". That's fine. I sent a nice note to Dr. Litton but she never responded at all.

I started Tamoxifen and so far, so good. I think it acts as a stimulant for me--I'm being more productive with less fatigue. Unfortunately, I'm unable to sleep at night, too. I've always struggled with sleep, but lately it had been a bit better. Now it's taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. I see Dr. Rassam in a few weeks as a follow-up, so maybe he'll prescribe me something to sleep if necessary. I feel extremely, outrageously blessed by the lack of unwanted side effects from the Tamoxifen. I know it takes longer for them to develop with some people, so please pray that mine will continue to be awesome.

I got a call from Dr. Rosenbaum's office today. He is the plastic surgeon in Gainesville that I'm going to see about getting DIEP reconstruction. His assistant said his openings were filling up quickly, so she wanted to pencil me in for surgery now. NOW!!!! Not 1-2 years away like the more conservative doctor I saw here. NOW as in, over Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only 2 openings he has left this year)!!!!! I wanted the Thanksgiving one, because that would be basically a year from the time I was told I was dying to being entirely healed and reconstructed. However, I think Yaacov and my mom (the official helpers) will be more available over Christmas, so we'll probably do that. It'll still just be 13 months for all that.

For those of you who haven't seen me, my hair is looking good. I've had two haircuts now, and the pixie cut style I have looks intentional. A lot of people even prefer it to my longer hair, but I think that's because it's so different. Strangers stop me all the time to compliment me, so that's nice. I plan to still grow it out, then will look back at pictures and decide what was best.

I guess that's it. "Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of the lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name." Heb 13:15

"Crazy" Prayers for a Crazy Girl

I just wrote half this blog, pressed the wrong button, and lost it all. Usually I would take that
as a sign that I'm being too bold, too pushy. Not this time. This time I feel there is a reason the enemy doesn't want me to spit out what's in my heart. So I will carry on...

If you didn't already think I was crazy, you probably will after this post. That's okay, I am no longer trying to serve men, but I serve God instead (Galatians 1:10). I have a new prayer request that is bolder than any I've prayed before. The good news is that our God is bigger than what I realized before! There is no limit to His power, but only a limit to our perception of Him. He created me, my ancestors, and my DNA. Now I am asking Him for evidence that He has CHANGED my DNA. I have been praying about whether He might want me to pray for my genetic mutation to be gone, and whether I should have a test done to confirm it. As soon as I forgot about it, a bunch of doors opened and I have found myself in a great spot to get a new genetic test done--for free, no hassle, no worries.

I am aware that this could be a set up--a snare by the enemy to make me look like a fool. Bad results could discourage me and cause me to lose focus. That's why I need prayer. I need to make sure it is His mighty will for the test to be performed, and that I should be praying for proper, BRCA negative genes. Ps 25:21, "May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you."

Here are my thoughts: My doctors still want me to have my ovaries removed, and I'm extremely resistent to this. If I'm not BRCA positive, they won't care nearly as much about that. And, honestly, it would help me be more comfortable in my refusal to have them removed. More importantly, if God removed the genetic mutation from my body, there is no way my girls would have that mutation. When they turn 18 they wouldn't have to be concerned with those tests and deciding what to do about potential results (it would be recommended for them to have prophylactic mastectomies, ovary removal, and hormone therapy very early on). Finally, and MOST importantly, I do believe God has answered my prayers of a total healing and forgiveness of the generational sin I think started it all. If so, it makes sense to me (can't speak for God, of course), that the genetic mutation would be gone as well.

The more I pray for and attempt to minister to people who are in pain, the more convinced I am that we have not because we ask not (Luke 11:9), and because we do not believe He will answer us. People make really good arguments for not believing He will answer, but I can't find those in the Bible. Instead the Bible is filled with promises that if you believe, He will answer! People see what they consider to be unanswered prayers and attempt to explain them away. Those become whispers and arguments against true belief (Gal 5:10, "The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty"). Those arguments are just fears though. Perfect love drives OUT fear! I don't want to limit God by setting parameters on what I believe or expect Him to do. He is El Elyon, Sovereign over ALL!

So, that's that. I plan to continue praying to ensure that my heart is aligned with His (James 4:3, "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives..."), and in the meantime I will proceed with the test and pray for BRCA negative results. Obviously if it comes back negative this time the doctors will just say the first test was wrong, but we'll still know...and they might start wondering a bit more...

"And I will do anything you ask in my name, so that the Son will bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14

Update and Biopsy

There's sort of a lot going on. I had my seventh Taxol treatment and am still doing well. I figured out that the daily side effects I struggle with (something akin to restless leg syndrome that keeps me from sleeping is the worst) are actually from a steroid I get with my pre-drugs. I feel better knowing that, because sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. For example, I get this weird anxiety/claustrophobia sometimes, especially during the chemo, that takes everything in my power to keep from ripping the needle out of my port and running into the parking lot.

So, five more Taxol treatments. I've been praying about electing to have radiation even though Rassam says I don't need it. I don't know the answer yet. I will ask more about it Thursday then go from there. Along those lines, I need to have a sentinel node biopsy for insurance purposes. I'm considering going to Gainesville for a better reconstruction than I can have here, and to do that they need to see if I need radiation beforehand. If there is cancer in the node, they will say I need radiation. Even though I might want radiation, I really don't want the biopsy to show cancer. A sentinel node is the node from which your breast cancer spreads. Supposedly once it has spread from there it doesn't matter if you remove it because the cancer is already loose in your body. But, I still want the biopsy to show that every cancerous cell has been destroyed (or is just gone). I am waiting for the biopsy date for that, but it's a minor outpatient surgery that I can have even though I'm still getting chemo. Please help me pray that there isn't even one cancer cell in my nodes. In fact, I want to pray that they appear as though there has never been any cancer there at all.

"I know that all God does will last forever; there is no adding to it or taking from it. God works so that people will be in awe of Him." Ecc 3:14

I woke up with a tick attached to me today. I normally wouldn't have been too bothered, but one of the people I've been praying for has Lyme disease so now I'm sort of stressed out about it. It is very rare that  a tick bite would result in a problematic disease, so I hate that I'm worried about the exception to the rule. For no reason. I hate that cancer has changed me into one of those people who frets about everything. I'm so disappointed in myself for letting it affect me so much, but I can't stop. I have already been the exception to the rule multiple times this year, so I can't tell myself the next time will be different.

But I will try. I will remember what God has done for me. I will trust in the only one who is trustworthy. I will stay close to Him so I can hear His sweet whispers and distinguish between  satantic fears and legitimate concerns. There are no more reasons not to.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not rely on your own understanding; think about Him in all your ways, and He will guide you on the right paths." Prov 3:5

As a follow-up from my last post, giving my testimony went okay but not great. I don't think I focused on the right things, but the next day I had the opportunity to tell a woman about it during chemo. I normally keep pretty quiet there for many reasons, but she was trying to convince herself that God would heal her. I could hear my voice in hers. She was saying the same things I did--we all do when hoping for a miracle--but she didn't have the authority behind it to convince anyone she meant business. In case you didn't know, that's exactly how I was until just before the PET scan. You know God can do it, but you've seen enough bad stuff happen that you can't explain away. You feel like you just need a promise from Him that the specific healing scriptures are for YOU, on EARTH, not when we're all restored in heaven. The point is, this woman was across the room, talking to someone else, but I knew all these things about her and couldn't ignore it. So I shouted all this business across the room to her (through tears, again), with everyone else trying to sleep and whatnot. Hearing His deeds encouraged her so I feel like it was a second chance from the one I kind of messed up the night before.

1 Thess 5:11, "Therefore, encourage one another and build each other up as you are already doing."

Testimony

For the first time in my life, I'm sitting down to prepare what I will say when giving my testimony to people. I've given my salvation story to two very large groups, and my cancer one three times. All with minimal amounts of notice. Back in 2004, on two separate occasions I was sitting in a church and the Holy Spirit pressed on my heart that I was about to give my testimony. These were not situations I would have any reason to believe that. But He reminded me of a few verses, so I frantically looked them up while the pastor was speaking about whatever was on his heart. Then just like I had come to expect, both times the pastors, who had NO IDEA what my testimony was, said, "This person has no idea I'm going to do this, but I'd like this girl to come up and tell you her testimony.". The first time was at a Chi Alpha sermon during grad school, and the second was in a huge church in South Africa after a missions trip. At that one the pastor never said a word to me all week, except to call me the wrong name. But after our project was over, we went to his church service just to pass the time before our flight home, and he called me by (correct) name up to the pulpit.

Anyway, those were great experiences and the Holy Spirit was so clear about what to say, I went up with the verses I had just looked up and told my story. Eight years later it's a little more difficult. I think because I don't have the easy life anymore. "Brothers, I could not address you as spiritual, but worldly--mere infants in Christ. I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it." 1 Cor 3:1-2. This time around I'm (supposedly) more mature so my part of the job is bigger. More responsibility. I've been broken in--just hours after the great news a radio station called so without any notice Yaacov and I told the story on the air. Over the weeks after that I got a chance to tell two more groups, each with a little notice that I couldn't utilize to actually prepare.

This time I've had TWO WEEKS notice. I can't just speak off the cuff, I think that time was a gift to help me prepare and say what actually should be said. Mark 5:19, "Go home to your family and tell the how much the Lord has done for you, and how he has had mercy on you." So, my job is to do just that.

Of course, it's tomorrow that I'm speaking to a women's study, so that notice has dwindled down to a day. But I'm going to make sure that everything I say relates to telling how much He has done for me, and all the mercy He has displayed. It really is such an honor to have such good content to discuss, the challenge is to prepare enough to be thorough but timely, and still say what He wants instead of what I want. I guess that's the challenge in most things, actually.

Oh, and by the way, He reigns. Ecc 3:14, "I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere Him."

Chemo...blah blah...God...blah blah...

I had my fifth Taxol treatment last week. It wasn't bad but I've officially lost my sense of smell. I barely have any taste left but can tell if something is salty and one more sensation I can't exactly label. Close to bitter but not exactly. The smell thing is really weird and I don't know when it left because I've been sick and assumed it was from congestion. I'm still sick but have moments of breathng freely and there isn't even one iota of a scent, no matter how strong.

I hope everything improves after chemo is done, but if it's just temporary it isn't a big deal. This is Yaacov's busy time of year so he's already been gone for two weeks lately, and has two more trips coming up. I'm slightly concerned about the dangers of not smelling fire, etc. while he's gone but I'll just pray a lot.

I had an awesome experience the other day but won't be able to describe it well. I had been in a deep, deep fog lately and it was painful just trying to form a thought. It interfered with my sleep so I tossed, turned and barely dozed through the nights. The only emotions I could feel were bad ones (sadness, fear, anger), so it made it particularly difficult to tell people about all the good healing news. I thought it was that "chemo-brain" people talk about but was feeling so negative it seemed like I would never get back out of it. Anyway, I took a bath to relax and was reading this book on healing on Thursday, and as I was reading and semi-praying about the author's awesome story the fog lifted! I could truly feel it go, and immediately knew I would be able to sleep. I pratically ran to bed and passed right out.

I'm so glad this fog is gone, and it hasn't returned. I'm still physically ill but it's so much better without the mental issue that was bringing me down. I'm back!

I've been limiting my schedule a bit to get more relaxing in, but I'm praying about whether that's enough. I don't know what else to really do but it seems like I'm sick so much that I'll never get through the next 6 weeks without a change. In the meantime I'll pray to figure out what changes to make and about whatever God is trying to tell me through these interesting spiritual encounters. There's something big going on there but it's in such an infancy that I can't even describe it.

Isaiah 58:11 "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail."