This time last year...

It was November 18 last year, but I will always remember it on the day Abigail has her Thanksgiving Feast at school. It is November 16 this year. Today. Last year we were so excited--it was her first presentation/show ever. It was a Friday. Two days before I had gotten the call that my mass was NOT cancer. Finally, we could breathe easy! Time to enjoy the holidays!

About this time, 10:30 am, I got a call from my friend Nicole. We were chatting about how I didn't have cancer when Dr. Crooms clicked in on call waiting. I didn't recognize the number but I knew it was him. He had mentioned that the results of the permanent-section biopsy would be in on Friday. I hadn't been worried, less than 5% of the initial biopsies are false negatives. He had no need to call and I didn't expect him to. Unless there was bad news after all.

I knew as soon as I saw the number flash on the phone. My heart raced. I listened. I cried. I died a little inside. A lot, actually. I called Yaacov at work. Didn't want to tell him over the phone but had to get him home in time to meet with Dr. Crooms to make a plan.

I had an hour to process it, then had to get my act together and go to the presentation. The Thanksgiving Feast. When things like this happen people usually report everything was a blur. It wasn't. I was aware of every second that passed. I watched my little girl walk shyly in line with her class. Watched her hiding behind her friends, forgetting all the hand motions she'd practiced since September. Wondered how things would change. I didn't know how bad it was yet, but knew I would go through life-altering treatments. Imagined how her fragile confidence would be shaken if her mommy wasn't around to encourage her.

One year ago was the beginning. I didn't always have strong enough faith to be certain of how it would end. It was hard. So hard. It's still so hard, and my storm is over. But God helped me every second of every day. He sheltered me and yet I still remember the pain. If I didn't have Him there is no way I could have made it through.

Philippians 3:4-11

[Paul said] though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more:  circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee;  as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.  But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I can finally say I am truly grateful for the experience. I have moments I still hate it. Hate the fact that there is always a twinge of fear for the cancer's return. Hate my repulsive new body and that my hair looks like Corey from Boy Meets World. But my faith has grown enormously, and I value it more than ever. I don't mean faith like just believing in God and His goodness. I mean faith like the actual act of believing in what cannot be seen. Believing that JESUS GAVE ME THE AUTHORITY TO MOVE MOUNTAINS (Mth 21:21). Believing not than "God Can" but that "God WILL". Back then I thought I had to wait for God to assure me He would do something, and then He would. Now I know that TRUE FAITH is believing that the nature of Him is described in the Bible, and that believing He will do things that fit His nature is what we are called to do. It is a whole new element to my world, and it is more important than anything else I know. It took me 32 years of experience leading up to my miraculous healing, plus that whole journey to get it, and there is no other way I would have preferred to learn it.

Here's to the Lord God Almighty. The maker of heaven and earth. Creator of you and me. He loves your soul, whether you love Him back or not. If you don't, please consider it. Consider Him. It can be hard to believe, but even harder not to.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

After our death on earth we are all going to carry on for eternity. You can spend it in heaven with Him, or in eternal separation from Him. Hell. If you're reading this it's not too late. But tomorrow it could be. Only He knows the number of our days, and this could be your last chance. Once it's too late it's over. There will be no take-backs or do-overs. Love yourself enough to look out for your future. Love your family enough to do what it takes to spend forever with them and God. Love your friends enough to drag them off the path to hell and onto the narrow path of righteousness.

Romans 10:9-10

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Revelation 22:17

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.

Less of me to love...

Well, it's done. I'm home. I will go into some detail for the sake of others in this situation for the future.

First of all, the physical pain from the surgery and recovery is nothing. I had heard that but didn't understand the extent to which it was true. I had a morphine pump at first and used it whenever I was awake, because I was sure the pain would come in and knock me down. It never did. The other procedures I had done hurt much worse than the mastectomy, and I've been off pain meds for two days now.

I thought that being at the hospital would be the one time I didn't have to "look out for me", but I was wrong, and I believe anyone having surgery (especially in Tallahassee) should remember that. For example, now that I've had lymphnodes removed I should never get needle pricks or blood pressure taken from that side. But for days they took blood pressure on the wrong side, and I didn't even think about it until a nurse noticed and told me. She put a big sign up, but after that someone still tried to take it from the wrong side TWICE.

On my last day a lot of things went wrong and they came in and took my blood. I assumed it was because of all the other problems so asked what they were looking for. It turned out they were supposed to have been taking my labs every day, but "forgot" the first two times. And no one noticed, of course.

There were a few more issues like that, but they all worked out so I hesitate to just destroy TMH. The lesson has been learned that I can never let my guard down, though. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8

Dr. Crooms did the surgery, and as I've mentioned, I love him and trust him entirely. He took more lymphnodes than planned (wasn't sure how many), but not because they looked suspicious, just because they had previously been cancerous. That was cool, because I'd been praying about that but never actually asked him to take more, so I consider it another awesomely answered prayer. And, God put that desire in my heart to pray about in the first place. I'm not going to question why because that opens up doors to let Satan scare me about the answer. The reason doesn't matter. The fact that God put it in my heart to want it, I prayed about it, and it was done for me is enough. Mark 11: 22-24, "And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."

I started recovering fine, and on Sunday Dr. Crooms said I could either go home then or if I wanted to rest more I could leave Monday morning. Wild horses were not going to get me out of that hospital. I felt the only way to recover was to have people take care of me at the hospital, instead of turning back into a mommy at home. A few hours passed, and a nurse began hinting loudly that I should just go home. Still, I would not be moved or shaken. It was a really good thing I didn't go. All the sudden, we discovered a pool of blood, then my fever spiked and blood pressure dropped. I was lonely and it was scary, but God didn't leave me. I was really low on blood so couldn't stay awake to pray, but He doesn't require that we always stand at attention. Sometimes He provides rest and takes care of the drama. In this case I am convinced it was spiritual warfare, and I was on the right side. The winning side.

I still don't know exactly what happened. The nurse kept saying it was so great that I hadn't gone home. I'm on antibiotics but don't know if the blood culture came back as infected. Dr. Crooms said I could have a transfusion, but it wasn't required (my "count" was 25, not sure what unit of measurement that is). I was about to do it but asked and he suggested avoiding the risk (risk is low, but still there). So, supposedly my blood will build back up in 2-4 weeks. Until then I'm tired, but I expected that after surgery, regardless.

I think I'm doing really well, considering. If I hadn't see pictures beforehand, I wouldn't be able to handle the way I look. But, I did and as it is now I just get nauseas looking at it. But Yaacov and I are viewing it as a temporary thing, and that makes a big difference. I was always a hideous pregnant person too, not like one of those cute women. So, I'm not unaccustomed to being a bit grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror. And, unlike my bald head, it's easy enough to hide the scars and pretend they don't exist. I realize that might not be the healthiest approach, but guess what? I don't care!!!

The pathology report should be in today or tomorrow. I will see Dr. Crooms at the end of the week so I figure he'll give me the results then if not before. He's been the one to tell me I had cancer, then that it spread. Please pray that this time the results show no cancer!!!!

I have to beg again that you will pray for my friend from church who I mentioned the other day. It sounds like her breast cancer is being diagnosed as Stage 4, with the metastasis in her liver, but I haven't heard that final part from her. She prayed for my during my journey, with no idea that she had cancer that was growing and spreading at the time. I can't help but feel this is a direct attack from Satan. We've been praying against his attacks throughout this, but not as much expecting them to be physical issues. Anyway, please pray with us that God will be glorified, magnified, and will reign supreme in this situation.

1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore; under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties onhim, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, wh has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM be the DOMINION forever and ever. Amen."