Did you hear Angelina Jolie has the BRCA 1 genetic mutation and had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction to combat the effects? Because I heard. I have heard about it more than the Boston bombings. I don't know if it's actually newsworthy or if my tiny world of breast cancer is highlighting it. I am glad she was tested and is taking it seriously. I'm glad she's drawing attention to it, because so many women don't know about it. People don't usually get tested until they are diagnosed with cancer. Obviously my life would have been very different if I had known. I think about it a lot because there's a 50/50 chance my kids have it (assuming I still do, I'm still waiting on the results of the study I enrolled in, just to see if God changed my genetic makeup when He healed me. Come on, it's God, that's nothing for Him). Anyway, the knowledge of the BRCA test results can create fear and I hate that. I hate that cancer can control us like that, and ESPECIALLY that just the fear of it can affect us for the worse. But I did read her article and liked the positive approach to it. Instead of living in fear, she just got the surgeries. The ovary removal is another strongly recommended procedure, but that affects us much more, so it's a bigger deal. They won't test anyone under 18 so I have about 13 more years of praying for my girls to not have the gene, and that if they do we will know how to handle it. I hate that they might ever be faced with that uncertainty, or the disfigurement, but I know that doing it as a preventive measure is immensely better than the way I had to do it. I know that anyone with that genetic mutation can take a different approach to their future than those without, but that doesn't mean their actions will control cancer. But God can. He can control every disease, every germ, every multiplication or division of cells. We are all in for a miserable life if we confuse our ability to choose with the ability to control.
Isaiah 46:9-10, "I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things that are not yet done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure.'"
BRCA genes and brains don't exactly go hand-in-hand, BUT BRCA mutations lead to cancer, and cancer treatment messes with your...I lost my train of thought. Oh, right, your brain! People call it chemo brain, and refer to it in a similar way that you would joke about your brain when pregnant. Sadly though, I already went through the memory loss and distraction associated with having little ones, so I feel like chemo did extra damage to me. On a typical day it isn't that big of a deal because I don't use the same parts of my brain that seem to have been affected. On a normal day I just trudge through my to-do list, driving here or there, disciplining this one or that one, and trying to make it through the day without yelling. On a day like today though, I needed my brain. Yaacov had to leave town on a last minute business trip, so I had to organize two different babysitters for the monthly consulting meeting I go to. I prepared all yesterday so I would be on time and the kids would be adequately packed. So this morning I'm meandering out of the house when I remember to check which building my meeting is in. Turned out it was in a whole different city (and time zone), so I was terribly late. While sitting in the meeting I tried to speak and realized that the words I was trying to recall were lost. The concept is there, but I don't have any idea how to label them. Then, at about 4pm Yaacov and I spoke on the phone and he reminded me that Abi had a t-ball game at 6:30. Failed again. At 8 pm it dawned on me that we missed it. So, instead of complaining about it I'm going to research specific brain-improving (see, this is a time I'm quite sure there's a real term for what I mean) techniques, and I'm going to operationalize and track the improvement so I know what works best for me. If you have any theories, let me know and maybe I'll include them. Stay tuned!
Genesis 28:15 "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mastectomy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Everything you NEVER wanted to know about a mastectomy
I've mentioned tidbits on here about my mastectomy but I know a lot of readers will be involved with their own breast surgeries at some point so I thought I'd give more detail about what to expect and how to prepare. It is extremely long, because I wanted every bit to be in one place.
There are a ton of sites where you can find things to do to prepare, but the ones I saw didn't explain things well. I'm sure these surgeries vary a lot by location and type, but some truths are consistent.
MY TYPE OF SURGERY:
I had what was called a bilateral mastectomy and lymphnode removal, which just means both breasts were removed. On one side, 11 lymphnodes were taken. I had cancer on just one side, but due to my BRCA status and size of the original tumor, it was very likely to spread to my other side anyway. It is also very difficult to "match" a real one during reconstruction, so all-around I felt better with having both removed. In addition, after a mastectomy you don't need mammograms (usually), so that's one less thing I have to do (and stress about) in the future.
LUMPECTOMY OR MASTECTOMY?
Many people elect to have just a lumpectomy instead of full removal. The original size of my tumor was 7 cm, so a minimum of 1/3 of the breast would have been removed, which would require reconstruction or weird pads for the future. As you know, I was cancer-free by the time I had the surgery, but because of the stage 4 aspect, Dr. Rassam recommended the full mastectomy in case the cancer returned and could not be reduced (this is called a hygenic mastectomy). Blah blah. I just prayed about it, and the data were very clear that the mastectomy for my tumor type was the way to go. God made me love research for a reason, maybe this was it. I felt fine going through with it.
Radiation also goes smoother without breasts.
If you are ever diagnosed with breast cancer, search and read a lot about the recommendations for your specific type. Your cancer will be tested to see if it is sensitive to estrogen, progesterone and her2. If it is not sensitive to any of the three, that is called "triple negative" and treatment options are more limited. Mine had a slight estrogen sensitivity, and was negative to the others. Anyway, this status and the size alters the effectiveness of lumpectomy and mastectomy. The "worse" cancer you have, the more likely it is that you need a full mastectomy, and sometimes doctors don't tell you this because they want to spare you emotional pain. But the emotional pain is a lot worse if your cancer comes back. I've heard of many such cases, and the person always regrets just getting the lumpectomy the first time around. Regardless, there are a lot of studies on the importance of each type of surgery, and the results differ based on the details of the specific breast cancer. This is, thankfully, one very easy decision to make if you care about the data.
Proverbs 2:6, "For the Lord gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowleddge and understanding."
If you're very sensitive or completely thrown off by the prospect of a mastectomy, it might be that you could have a lumpectomy first, then when you're mentally prepared have the mastectomy. You might be able to have that at the same time as reconstruction, which is a LOT better, mentally. I really wanted Dr. Crooms to do my removal though, and a guy in Gainesville is my top choice for the reconstruction, so on top of no one offering the lumpectomy first, I did it separately.
MY TYPE OF MASTECTOMY:
There are all kinds of mastectomies and reconstruction. There are skin and nipple sparing (they sew your nipples to a different part of your body and "save" them for later!) removals, but the plastic surgeons I spoke to requested that my skin be pulled very tightly because that's better for radiation. Apparently the radiation permanently ruins your skin and tissue, with results changing more for months after radiation ends. So my tissue and nipples were all removed, and the skin pulled taut. When I get reconstruction later I will have new skin put on to replace that.
Some people are good candidates for implants, but I wasn't. I thought it was because of having radiation but I know of someone who got them with radiation, so it might be up to the doctor. I didn't want implants anyway, because there are a lot of options now of how the plastic surgeon can use my extra fat to create new breasts. I'm hoping to get one called DIEP, which is when they pull off my stomach muscles, dissect the fat off, then put the muscle back on my stomach. They would give me a tummy tuck and use that skin to create the new ones!!!! I knew I was saving all that tummy fat for something!!!! If I don't have enough fat (yeah, right!), they will also use an implant.
So, the DIEP sounds great, except that if I was getting implants I could have had expanders put in during the mastectomy. Over time, they are filled with liquid to stretch out your skin, then eventually are replaced with the implants. The point is that after a mastectomy you have something there instead of being so naked (more on that below). That would be awesome and after my surgery I desperately wished I had found someone willing to do that for me. However, a girl who had that surgery around the time of mine just had to have an emergency back flap procedure because something went wrong with the expander. She really didn't want that procedure done, and was totally unprepared to have to race to the hospital and get it done. Plus, they say those expanders hurt quite a bit.
BEFORE YOUR SURGERY:
I read that I would need sports bras that opened or zipped in the front, but I couldn't find them. It isn't what you really need anyway. You need to order mastectomy camisoles and sleeping bras with breast forms. You need them because it will probably be 1-2 months before you can wear real prosthetics but you can wear these forms (one size fits all, they're like little pillows) home from the hospital. They actually provide a little padding that helped me with comfort. They are NOT all the same, so order them with plenty of time. TLC is a common cancer website with some good products, but plenty of bad ones. It can be really frustrating. You can remove the forms and use them in many tops. They don't touch your skin directly so I was fine with 2 sets. I heard the hospital normally gives you one camisole and forms to wear home, but I didn't get anything. I found these brands to be good: Too Beautiful (the cutest, by far), Elita and Amoena. I bought a TLC brand open-front camisole and forms, and it was the WORST. AWFUL. Remember that the camisoles/tank-tops that open in the front are helpful at first, but they usually need to be worn under something. Mine ended up looking bulky so either get a smaller size or more sleep/sports bra types. Make sure you own at least one top with a drain holder for the beginning.
Someone lent me a drain squeezer. You can see them at www.tube-evac.com. Unfortunately I can't tell where to buy them but it is worth contacting them (Mayo Clinic just gives them out). It was AWESOME and very helpful. I cannot tell you enough how great it was. Squeezing drains doesn't seem like a huge problem, but when you use a squeezer you can't stop smiling from the improvement.
Sometimes it's better not to know what to expect, or what could go wrong. But you obviously still need to plan for things like childcare or work for after surgery. Make sure to ask your surgeon all about his plan for what you can lift and when. Dr. Crooms is of the "do what you can handle" school of thought, so I didn't have stipulations. But some peope get very strict guidelines that could change your plans.
Make sure to get mentally prepared for the surgery, but I don't know how to do this besides through prayer. So, get to it.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-8
SURGERY:
If you've had other surgeries, this is pretty much the same. Dr. Crooms is a general surgeon so mine was done at the Surgery Center of TMH. Incidentally, some people specialize in breast surgery. I'm sure they're great, but EVERY time I've shown a professional my scars he has wanted to know who did the surgery and remarks at how great it looks. So, if you're local, go to Dr. Crooms! If you're not local, you could still go to Dr. Crooms! Otherwise, don't automaticlly balk at the prospect of having a general surgeon. DO talk to people and get their experienced recommendation though.
I had the typical procedure, including a pre-operative appointment a few weeks before surgery, then the day before the procedure I called for the time and instructions on how to prepare. It was just no food or water after midnight. At the hospital I got the IV quickly and hung out with my mom for a bit. The scary part for me is always when they wheel me into the waiting room, where I'm all alone and completely sober. This time they let me wait in the pediatric surgery room because that's private, in case he wanted to come in and mark me up beforehand. The last time I had to wait in the other surgical waiting area and I felt like a cow being corralled with the rest of the herd. A nurse said I wouldn't remember that part so I guess they assume people will be out of it and they can treat us however they like. But I remember every second. Every embarassing question they asked the men around me, etc. It was scary, sad, and very lonely.
Anyway, in the pediatric waiting area there are paintings on the ceiling, signed by patients. It was really sad to think of the children who had waited in that room, so scared, before.
The surgery was a few hours and I woke up in considerable pain. I didn't know how much pain to expect though, so when a nurse asked I told her I was fine (I meant that I could handle it while she got me medicine). When I finally was about to scream from the agony she said, "can you still not feel anything?" and I realized that they'd really thought I wasn't in any pain at all. She gave me a morphine drip that I could activate every 7 minutes. I used it frantically, afraid to even sleep in case I would awaken up in severe pain. I thought I needed to let the morphine build up in my system but It turned out I didn't need it at all. The pain never got as bad as it was right after surgery. After about a day I figured out that I wasn't even in pain and didn't use it again. They don't let you off the IV or oxygen until you're off the morphine and IV drugs, so it's a good thing to get off it.
I stayed all 3 days there, because I thought going home would be too hard to deal with the kids, etc. It probably would have been fine but we'll never know. This type of surgery is not the same as when you have a child though, so my mom stayed the first night to help with all the cords/bathroom trips, but otherwise I stayed alone.
Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
AFTER SURGERY:
The nurses took the bandages off before I left, so I couldn't hide from my mutilated body. I had a drain on each side and maybe 60 staples. They taught me to empty my drains and record how much fluid was removed, but I never reported it to anyone. Nurse Karen at Dr. Crooms office just checked me out then removed the drains at my first follow-up appt (1 week after surgery). She also removed my staples and replaced them with steri-strips. In case I haven't mentioned it, she is one of my favorite people. She taught me some exercises to do to improve my range of motion too.
I holed up in our bedroom for almost a week after surgery. I just sat in the dark watching tv. I imagined spending a lot of time with God during this time, but mostly felt numb and a little abandoned by Him. He snapped me out of it one day though and that was the only depressive-type of episode I had about it.
I was not ecstatic that Karen made me start "exercising". I hoped bedrest would be on the prescription pad, not a bunch of uncomfortable moves. I did them a few times a day for a few days, then petered off. I at least try to do some extra stretches as I'm sitting around. I ended up with full range of motion in my right arm (no lymphnode removal), and almost full range in my left arm. So, God is awesome and maybe my full-time job of child-rearing works my muscles well.
The most helpful thing I learned while recovering: Karen said, "it's going to feel like you're doing something wrong or pulling out your stitches". That was VERY good to know, because that is EXACTLY what it felt like. It's actually just breaking down scar tissue, but I feel it ripping and it definitely seems like I should stop. Instead I know I should keep going.
RANDOM FACTS AND GROSS STUFF:
There is gross and weird stuff going on now. I don't look like you'd expect--I imagined looking like a man, but it's worse than that. I look like a mutilated person for sure. People were created in God's image, and He did NOT look like this. I still have my post-pregnancy fat stomach, but as it goes upward I actually have a "two-pack" of muscles that jut out. If my stomach was flat this might be normal-looking, but as it is is creepy.
Next--you know that crevice between everyone's breasts/chest muscles? Cleavage, I guess. Well, I still have it. I guess it's bone or cartilage, so I have that indention, and the outsides of that protrude from the middle of my chest. Then it all sinks in around it.
Finally, the GROSSEST is so bad. I would actually put a picture on here because I feel like an alien already, but I wouldn't want it to be banned from the internet due to the yuckiness...Are you ready for this? When I move a certain way when getting ready, it makes my tiny pectoral muscles flex. They are the size of ping pong balls. The rest of my chest stays flat, and these little golf balls pop out, very similar to "bug eyes" that might burst out of a cartoon character's face. I'm probably not describing it well, but it is SO weird and icky.
That's all I can think of. I'm so fortunate and blessed to have been healed of this horrendous disease that I don't feel sorry for myself when I see the scars. I just feel joy that I am a child of God, and that this gross body is just temporary.
2 Cor 4:16, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Make sure to ask any questions I didn't answer while it's all still fresh in my mind! Also, add any helpful tips from your own experience to the comments section!
ADDED 8/9: If you live in Tallahassee, you can go to A Woman's Place at TMH for prescription prosthetics. It's a little complicated but much easier than dealing with online purchases, because there are so many types, materials, sizes, and shapes to pick from. At A Woman's Place you call them and they arrange for a prescription from the surgeon, a referral from the general practitioner, and a fitting 4-6 weeks after surgery. You can try everything on there and let you take some things home, ordering the others for you.
There are a ton of sites where you can find things to do to prepare, but the ones I saw didn't explain things well. I'm sure these surgeries vary a lot by location and type, but some truths are consistent.
MY TYPE OF SURGERY:
I had what was called a bilateral mastectomy and lymphnode removal, which just means both breasts were removed. On one side, 11 lymphnodes were taken. I had cancer on just one side, but due to my BRCA status and size of the original tumor, it was very likely to spread to my other side anyway. It is also very difficult to "match" a real one during reconstruction, so all-around I felt better with having both removed. In addition, after a mastectomy you don't need mammograms (usually), so that's one less thing I have to do (and stress about) in the future.
LUMPECTOMY OR MASTECTOMY?
Many people elect to have just a lumpectomy instead of full removal. The original size of my tumor was 7 cm, so a minimum of 1/3 of the breast would have been removed, which would require reconstruction or weird pads for the future. As you know, I was cancer-free by the time I had the surgery, but because of the stage 4 aspect, Dr. Rassam recommended the full mastectomy in case the cancer returned and could not be reduced (this is called a hygenic mastectomy). Blah blah. I just prayed about it, and the data were very clear that the mastectomy for my tumor type was the way to go. God made me love research for a reason, maybe this was it. I felt fine going through with it.
Radiation also goes smoother without breasts.
If you are ever diagnosed with breast cancer, search and read a lot about the recommendations for your specific type. Your cancer will be tested to see if it is sensitive to estrogen, progesterone and her2. If it is not sensitive to any of the three, that is called "triple negative" and treatment options are more limited. Mine had a slight estrogen sensitivity, and was negative to the others. Anyway, this status and the size alters the effectiveness of lumpectomy and mastectomy. The "worse" cancer you have, the more likely it is that you need a full mastectomy, and sometimes doctors don't tell you this because they want to spare you emotional pain. But the emotional pain is a lot worse if your cancer comes back. I've heard of many such cases, and the person always regrets just getting the lumpectomy the first time around. Regardless, there are a lot of studies on the importance of each type of surgery, and the results differ based on the details of the specific breast cancer. This is, thankfully, one very easy decision to make if you care about the data.
Proverbs 2:6, "For the Lord gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowleddge and understanding."
If you're very sensitive or completely thrown off by the prospect of a mastectomy, it might be that you could have a lumpectomy first, then when you're mentally prepared have the mastectomy. You might be able to have that at the same time as reconstruction, which is a LOT better, mentally. I really wanted Dr. Crooms to do my removal though, and a guy in Gainesville is my top choice for the reconstruction, so on top of no one offering the lumpectomy first, I did it separately.
MY TYPE OF MASTECTOMY:
There are all kinds of mastectomies and reconstruction. There are skin and nipple sparing (they sew your nipples to a different part of your body and "save" them for later!) removals, but the plastic surgeons I spoke to requested that my skin be pulled very tightly because that's better for radiation. Apparently the radiation permanently ruins your skin and tissue, with results changing more for months after radiation ends. So my tissue and nipples were all removed, and the skin pulled taut. When I get reconstruction later I will have new skin put on to replace that.
Some people are good candidates for implants, but I wasn't. I thought it was because of having radiation but I know of someone who got them with radiation, so it might be up to the doctor. I didn't want implants anyway, because there are a lot of options now of how the plastic surgeon can use my extra fat to create new breasts. I'm hoping to get one called DIEP, which is when they pull off my stomach muscles, dissect the fat off, then put the muscle back on my stomach. They would give me a tummy tuck and use that skin to create the new ones!!!! I knew I was saving all that tummy fat for something!!!! If I don't have enough fat (yeah, right!), they will also use an implant.
So, the DIEP sounds great, except that if I was getting implants I could have had expanders put in during the mastectomy. Over time, they are filled with liquid to stretch out your skin, then eventually are replaced with the implants. The point is that after a mastectomy you have something there instead of being so naked (more on that below). That would be awesome and after my surgery I desperately wished I had found someone willing to do that for me. However, a girl who had that surgery around the time of mine just had to have an emergency back flap procedure because something went wrong with the expander. She really didn't want that procedure done, and was totally unprepared to have to race to the hospital and get it done. Plus, they say those expanders hurt quite a bit.
BEFORE YOUR SURGERY:
I read that I would need sports bras that opened or zipped in the front, but I couldn't find them. It isn't what you really need anyway. You need to order mastectomy camisoles and sleeping bras with breast forms. You need them because it will probably be 1-2 months before you can wear real prosthetics but you can wear these forms (one size fits all, they're like little pillows) home from the hospital. They actually provide a little padding that helped me with comfort. They are NOT all the same, so order them with plenty of time. TLC is a common cancer website with some good products, but plenty of bad ones. It can be really frustrating. You can remove the forms and use them in many tops. They don't touch your skin directly so I was fine with 2 sets. I heard the hospital normally gives you one camisole and forms to wear home, but I didn't get anything. I found these brands to be good: Too Beautiful (the cutest, by far), Elita and Amoena. I bought a TLC brand open-front camisole and forms, and it was the WORST. AWFUL. Remember that the camisoles/tank-tops that open in the front are helpful at first, but they usually need to be worn under something. Mine ended up looking bulky so either get a smaller size or more sleep/sports bra types. Make sure you own at least one top with a drain holder for the beginning.
Someone lent me a drain squeezer. You can see them at www.tube-evac.com. Unfortunately I can't tell where to buy them but it is worth contacting them (Mayo Clinic just gives them out). It was AWESOME and very helpful. I cannot tell you enough how great it was. Squeezing drains doesn't seem like a huge problem, but when you use a squeezer you can't stop smiling from the improvement.
Sometimes it's better not to know what to expect, or what could go wrong. But you obviously still need to plan for things like childcare or work for after surgery. Make sure to ask your surgeon all about his plan for what you can lift and when. Dr. Crooms is of the "do what you can handle" school of thought, so I didn't have stipulations. But some peope get very strict guidelines that could change your plans.
Make sure to get mentally prepared for the surgery, but I don't know how to do this besides through prayer. So, get to it.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-8
SURGERY:
If you've had other surgeries, this is pretty much the same. Dr. Crooms is a general surgeon so mine was done at the Surgery Center of TMH. Incidentally, some people specialize in breast surgery. I'm sure they're great, but EVERY time I've shown a professional my scars he has wanted to know who did the surgery and remarks at how great it looks. So, if you're local, go to Dr. Crooms! If you're not local, you could still go to Dr. Crooms! Otherwise, don't automaticlly balk at the prospect of having a general surgeon. DO talk to people and get their experienced recommendation though.
I had the typical procedure, including a pre-operative appointment a few weeks before surgery, then the day before the procedure I called for the time and instructions on how to prepare. It was just no food or water after midnight. At the hospital I got the IV quickly and hung out with my mom for a bit. The scary part for me is always when they wheel me into the waiting room, where I'm all alone and completely sober. This time they let me wait in the pediatric surgery room because that's private, in case he wanted to come in and mark me up beforehand. The last time I had to wait in the other surgical waiting area and I felt like a cow being corralled with the rest of the herd. A nurse said I wouldn't remember that part so I guess they assume people will be out of it and they can treat us however they like. But I remember every second. Every embarassing question they asked the men around me, etc. It was scary, sad, and very lonely.
Anyway, in the pediatric waiting area there are paintings on the ceiling, signed by patients. It was really sad to think of the children who had waited in that room, so scared, before.
The surgery was a few hours and I woke up in considerable pain. I didn't know how much pain to expect though, so when a nurse asked I told her I was fine (I meant that I could handle it while she got me medicine). When I finally was about to scream from the agony she said, "can you still not feel anything?" and I realized that they'd really thought I wasn't in any pain at all. She gave me a morphine drip that I could activate every 7 minutes. I used it frantically, afraid to even sleep in case I would awaken up in severe pain. I thought I needed to let the morphine build up in my system but It turned out I didn't need it at all. The pain never got as bad as it was right after surgery. After about a day I figured out that I wasn't even in pain and didn't use it again. They don't let you off the IV or oxygen until you're off the morphine and IV drugs, so it's a good thing to get off it.
I stayed all 3 days there, because I thought going home would be too hard to deal with the kids, etc. It probably would have been fine but we'll never know. This type of surgery is not the same as when you have a child though, so my mom stayed the first night to help with all the cords/bathroom trips, but otherwise I stayed alone.
Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
AFTER SURGERY:
The nurses took the bandages off before I left, so I couldn't hide from my mutilated body. I had a drain on each side and maybe 60 staples. They taught me to empty my drains and record how much fluid was removed, but I never reported it to anyone. Nurse Karen at Dr. Crooms office just checked me out then removed the drains at my first follow-up appt (1 week after surgery). She also removed my staples and replaced them with steri-strips. In case I haven't mentioned it, she is one of my favorite people. She taught me some exercises to do to improve my range of motion too.
I holed up in our bedroom for almost a week after surgery. I just sat in the dark watching tv. I imagined spending a lot of time with God during this time, but mostly felt numb and a little abandoned by Him. He snapped me out of it one day though and that was the only depressive-type of episode I had about it.
I was not ecstatic that Karen made me start "exercising". I hoped bedrest would be on the prescription pad, not a bunch of uncomfortable moves. I did them a few times a day for a few days, then petered off. I at least try to do some extra stretches as I'm sitting around. I ended up with full range of motion in my right arm (no lymphnode removal), and almost full range in my left arm. So, God is awesome and maybe my full-time job of child-rearing works my muscles well.
The most helpful thing I learned while recovering: Karen said, "it's going to feel like you're doing something wrong or pulling out your stitches". That was VERY good to know, because that is EXACTLY what it felt like. It's actually just breaking down scar tissue, but I feel it ripping and it definitely seems like I should stop. Instead I know I should keep going.
RANDOM FACTS AND GROSS STUFF:
There is gross and weird stuff going on now. I don't look like you'd expect--I imagined looking like a man, but it's worse than that. I look like a mutilated person for sure. People were created in God's image, and He did NOT look like this. I still have my post-pregnancy fat stomach, but as it goes upward I actually have a "two-pack" of muscles that jut out. If my stomach was flat this might be normal-looking, but as it is is creepy.
Next--you know that crevice between everyone's breasts/chest muscles? Cleavage, I guess. Well, I still have it. I guess it's bone or cartilage, so I have that indention, and the outsides of that protrude from the middle of my chest. Then it all sinks in around it.
Finally, the GROSSEST is so bad. I would actually put a picture on here because I feel like an alien already, but I wouldn't want it to be banned from the internet due to the yuckiness...Are you ready for this? When I move a certain way when getting ready, it makes my tiny pectoral muscles flex. They are the size of ping pong balls. The rest of my chest stays flat, and these little golf balls pop out, very similar to "bug eyes" that might burst out of a cartoon character's face. I'm probably not describing it well, but it is SO weird and icky.
That's all I can think of. I'm so fortunate and blessed to have been healed of this horrendous disease that I don't feel sorry for myself when I see the scars. I just feel joy that I am a child of God, and that this gross body is just temporary.
2 Cor 4:16, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Make sure to ask any questions I didn't answer while it's all still fresh in my mind! Also, add any helpful tips from your own experience to the comments section!
ADDED 8/9: If you live in Tallahassee, you can go to A Woman's Place at TMH for prescription prosthetics. It's a little complicated but much easier than dealing with online purchases, because there are so many types, materials, sizes, and shapes to pick from. At A Woman's Place you call them and they arrange for a prescription from the surgeon, a referral from the general practitioner, and a fitting 4-6 weeks after surgery. You can try everything on there and let you take some things home, ordering the others for you.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Less of me to love...
Well, it's done. I'm home. I will go into some detail for the sake of others in this situation for the future.
First of all, the physical pain from the surgery and recovery is nothing. I had heard that but didn't understand the extent to which it was true. I had a morphine pump at first and used it whenever I was awake, because I was sure the pain would come in and knock me down. It never did. The other procedures I had done hurt much worse than the mastectomy, and I've been off pain meds for two days now.
I thought that being at the hospital would be the one time I didn't have to "look out for me", but I was wrong, and I believe anyone having surgery (especially in Tallahassee) should remember that. For example, now that I've had lymphnodes removed I should never get needle pricks or blood pressure taken from that side. But for days they took blood pressure on the wrong side, and I didn't even think about it until a nurse noticed and told me. She put a big sign up, but after that someone still tried to take it from the wrong side TWICE.
On my last day a lot of things went wrong and they came in and took my blood. I assumed it was because of all the other problems so asked what they were looking for. It turned out they were supposed to have been taking my labs every day, but "forgot" the first two times. And no one noticed, of course.
There were a few more issues like that, but they all worked out so I hesitate to just destroy TMH. The lesson has been learned that I can never let my guard down, though. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Dr. Crooms did the surgery, and as I've mentioned, I love him and trust him entirely. He took more lymphnodes than planned (wasn't sure how many), but not because they looked suspicious, just because they had previously been cancerous. That was cool, because I'd been praying about that but never actually asked him to take more, so I consider it another awesomely answered prayer. And, God put that desire in my heart to pray about in the first place. I'm not going to question why because that opens up doors to let Satan scare me about the answer. The reason doesn't matter. The fact that God put it in my heart to want it, I prayed about it, and it was done for me is enough. Mark 11: 22-24, "And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I started recovering fine, and on Sunday Dr. Crooms said I could either go home then or if I wanted to rest more I could leave Monday morning. Wild horses were not going to get me out of that hospital. I felt the only way to recover was to have people take care of me at the hospital, instead of turning back into a mommy at home. A few hours passed, and a nurse began hinting loudly that I should just go home. Still, I would not be moved or shaken. It was a really good thing I didn't go. All the sudden, we discovered a pool of blood, then my fever spiked and blood pressure dropped. I was lonely and it was scary, but God didn't leave me. I was really low on blood so couldn't stay awake to pray, but He doesn't require that we always stand at attention. Sometimes He provides rest and takes care of the drama. In this case I am convinced it was spiritual warfare, and I was on the right side. The winning side.
I still don't know exactly what happened. The nurse kept saying it was so great that I hadn't gone home. I'm on antibiotics but don't know if the blood culture came back as infected. Dr. Crooms said I could have a transfusion, but it wasn't required (my "count" was 25, not sure what unit of measurement that is). I was about to do it but asked and he suggested avoiding the risk (risk is low, but still there). So, supposedly my blood will build back up in 2-4 weeks. Until then I'm tired, but I expected that after surgery, regardless.
I think I'm doing really well, considering. If I hadn't see pictures beforehand, I wouldn't be able to handle the way I look. But, I did and as it is now I just get nauseas looking at it. But Yaacov and I are viewing it as a temporary thing, and that makes a big difference. I was always a hideous pregnant person too, not like one of those cute women. So, I'm not unaccustomed to being a bit grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror. And, unlike my bald head, it's easy enough to hide the scars and pretend they don't exist. I realize that might not be the healthiest approach, but guess what? I don't care!!!
The pathology report should be in today or tomorrow. I will see Dr. Crooms at the end of the week so I figure he'll give me the results then if not before. He's been the one to tell me I had cancer, then that it spread. Please pray that this time the results show no cancer!!!!
I have to beg again that you will pray for my friend from church who I mentioned the other day. It sounds like her breast cancer is being diagnosed as Stage 4, with the metastasis in her liver, but I haven't heard that final part from her. She prayed for my during my journey, with no idea that she had cancer that was growing and spreading at the time. I can't help but feel this is a direct attack from Satan. We've been praying against his attacks throughout this, but not as much expecting them to be physical issues. Anyway, please pray with us that God will be glorified, magnified, and will reign supreme in this situation.
1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore; under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties onhim, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, wh has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM be the DOMINION forever and ever. Amen."
First of all, the physical pain from the surgery and recovery is nothing. I had heard that but didn't understand the extent to which it was true. I had a morphine pump at first and used it whenever I was awake, because I was sure the pain would come in and knock me down. It never did. The other procedures I had done hurt much worse than the mastectomy, and I've been off pain meds for two days now.
I thought that being at the hospital would be the one time I didn't have to "look out for me", but I was wrong, and I believe anyone having surgery (especially in Tallahassee) should remember that. For example, now that I've had lymphnodes removed I should never get needle pricks or blood pressure taken from that side. But for days they took blood pressure on the wrong side, and I didn't even think about it until a nurse noticed and told me. She put a big sign up, but after that someone still tried to take it from the wrong side TWICE.
On my last day a lot of things went wrong and they came in and took my blood. I assumed it was because of all the other problems so asked what they were looking for. It turned out they were supposed to have been taking my labs every day, but "forgot" the first two times. And no one noticed, of course.
There were a few more issues like that, but they all worked out so I hesitate to just destroy TMH. The lesson has been learned that I can never let my guard down, though. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Dr. Crooms did the surgery, and as I've mentioned, I love him and trust him entirely. He took more lymphnodes than planned (wasn't sure how many), but not because they looked suspicious, just because they had previously been cancerous. That was cool, because I'd been praying about that but never actually asked him to take more, so I consider it another awesomely answered prayer. And, God put that desire in my heart to pray about in the first place. I'm not going to question why because that opens up doors to let Satan scare me about the answer. The reason doesn't matter. The fact that God put it in my heart to want it, I prayed about it, and it was done for me is enough. Mark 11: 22-24, "And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I started recovering fine, and on Sunday Dr. Crooms said I could either go home then or if I wanted to rest more I could leave Monday morning. Wild horses were not going to get me out of that hospital. I felt the only way to recover was to have people take care of me at the hospital, instead of turning back into a mommy at home. A few hours passed, and a nurse began hinting loudly that I should just go home. Still, I would not be moved or shaken. It was a really good thing I didn't go. All the sudden, we discovered a pool of blood, then my fever spiked and blood pressure dropped. I was lonely and it was scary, but God didn't leave me. I was really low on blood so couldn't stay awake to pray, but He doesn't require that we always stand at attention. Sometimes He provides rest and takes care of the drama. In this case I am convinced it was spiritual warfare, and I was on the right side. The winning side.
I still don't know exactly what happened. The nurse kept saying it was so great that I hadn't gone home. I'm on antibiotics but don't know if the blood culture came back as infected. Dr. Crooms said I could have a transfusion, but it wasn't required (my "count" was 25, not sure what unit of measurement that is). I was about to do it but asked and he suggested avoiding the risk (risk is low, but still there). So, supposedly my blood will build back up in 2-4 weeks. Until then I'm tired, but I expected that after surgery, regardless.
I think I'm doing really well, considering. If I hadn't see pictures beforehand, I wouldn't be able to handle the way I look. But, I did and as it is now I just get nauseas looking at it. But Yaacov and I are viewing it as a temporary thing, and that makes a big difference. I was always a hideous pregnant person too, not like one of those cute women. So, I'm not unaccustomed to being a bit grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror. And, unlike my bald head, it's easy enough to hide the scars and pretend they don't exist. I realize that might not be the healthiest approach, but guess what? I don't care!!!
The pathology report should be in today or tomorrow. I will see Dr. Crooms at the end of the week so I figure he'll give me the results then if not before. He's been the one to tell me I had cancer, then that it spread. Please pray that this time the results show no cancer!!!!
I have to beg again that you will pray for my friend from church who I mentioned the other day. It sounds like her breast cancer is being diagnosed as Stage 4, with the metastasis in her liver, but I haven't heard that final part from her. She prayed for my during my journey, with no idea that she had cancer that was growing and spreading at the time. I can't help but feel this is a direct attack from Satan. We've been praying against his attacks throughout this, but not as much expecting them to be physical issues. Anyway, please pray with us that God will be glorified, magnified, and will reign supreme in this situation.
1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore; under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties onhim, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, wh has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM be the DOMINION forever and ever. Amen."
Friday, May 25, 2012
Going in..
I'm about to go in for surgery. I need to be there at 5:30 am, sugery should start at 7:30. Yaacov will be responsible for blogging and updating people that I am perfectly fine.
I have been completely calm and fearless about this procedure. I was feeling like it was a routine thing, like getting shots. I got in late last night from picking my mom up at the airport though, and got worked up about my girls. Not the "girls" they're about to remove, my actual daughters. I realized I've been so focused on giving back to other people and my own recovery that I haven't given them the time or attention they deserve. I'm not just putting myself down, I have really been a bad mother lately. I would say it's ironic, because they are the very reason I was fighting to survive, and now because of surviving my priorities changed and not entirely for the best. However, that's not irony or coincidence. That is the enemy, and he won some battles. His cancer may not have taken my life but it briefly took my parenting skills.
Not anymore, I'm back. Or, almost back. I spent a lot of time cuddling with each of them in the middle of the night. They won't remember, but I will. And if something does happen to me in surgery, their last experience of me will have been perfect--quiet, intentional, prayerful, and overflowing my heart with peace, joy, and love.
A lot of people have reached out to me lately, and I haven't had a chance to get back to everyone. I'm sorry but do appreciate it very much. Talk to y'all soon!
Deut 31:8, "The Lord is the One who will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged."
Josh 1:9, "Have I not commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
I don't have time to type all these, but while waiting I will be praying and meditating on those along with Psalm 23 and Philippians 4:4-8.
I have been completely calm and fearless about this procedure. I was feeling like it was a routine thing, like getting shots. I got in late last night from picking my mom up at the airport though, and got worked up about my girls. Not the "girls" they're about to remove, my actual daughters. I realized I've been so focused on giving back to other people and my own recovery that I haven't given them the time or attention they deserve. I'm not just putting myself down, I have really been a bad mother lately. I would say it's ironic, because they are the very reason I was fighting to survive, and now because of surviving my priorities changed and not entirely for the best. However, that's not irony or coincidence. That is the enemy, and he won some battles. His cancer may not have taken my life but it briefly took my parenting skills.
Not anymore, I'm back. Or, almost back. I spent a lot of time cuddling with each of them in the middle of the night. They won't remember, but I will. And if something does happen to me in surgery, their last experience of me will have been perfect--quiet, intentional, prayerful, and overflowing my heart with peace, joy, and love.
A lot of people have reached out to me lately, and I haven't had a chance to get back to everyone. I'm sorry but do appreciate it very much. Talk to y'all soon!
Deut 31:8, "The Lord is the One who will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged."
Josh 1:9, "Have I not commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."
I don't have time to type all these, but while waiting I will be praying and meditating on those along with Psalm 23 and Philippians 4:4-8.
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