A Gift from God

The Lord is so lovely. He has answered many of the prayers I've posted over time. I am not good about keeping them updated. One that so many ask about is my friend with the brain tumor. He brought her through surgery with flying colors and no cancer and she is doing very well. He heard our prayers and had compassion on all of us. Thank you for praying!

I've been praying more deliberately for people lately and there are so many times I don't know how to pray. I think of the Lord's prayer as an example but still struggle when I'm not as aware of His presence and words. But suddenly tonight as I was struggling, I found the answer! In the most precious words, words that were in the gospel of John that I have read many times, were these hidden words that I previously didn't notice. Yesterday I began praying Jeremiah 33:3, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." I began praying this for someone else, but He knew I had these things I don't know. Life changing things that I needed to hear.

So, He answered my call, because that's what He does. He promises to do it, time and again, yet oftentimes we fail to believe He really will. But He is faithful, faithful, faithful. Patient and faithful. In John 17 we are invited into the private conversation between the perfect son and the perfect father. We don't deserve to be in their presence, but He invites anyway. That perfect son (as well as the Holy Spirit) is the only one who truly knows the full majesty of our Lord, and He loves us enough to spend time pleading for us...

In John 17:20;23-26 Jesus said, "I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you... Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me. 
Father, I want those you have given me to be with me where I am, and to see my glory, the glory you have given me because you loved me before the creation of the world.
Righteous Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them."

Jesus isn't being arrogant, He is literally perfect and the One who knows all knows that the absolute best thing for us, the most important prayer that could be said, is that we would have Jesus within us. So, this is how we pray. It is more important than the little issues we have going on, because if we become more like Him, we will know how to deal with them. We will have the faith to listen to His word, and the authority to command and expect the impossible. He also refers to us as "those you have given me", because we are precious gifts for Him. I learned today also (from 1 Peter 2:24) that we should "live for righteousness" and it is clear that a gift given to the most amazing man who ever lived (who is, of course, fully God as well) should be living for righteousness. I think it's time to up the ante with our standards and live today for righteousness, to be "worthy" of being called not just a child of God, but a gift of God.

21 Day Challenge

I want to pass on a great offer that Beth Moore put out recently. I think it ends January 10. She's offering 4 free E-books. If you haven't read her stuff it's really great. You just have to really put your heart into reading it and not just glance at it. I downloaded them onto my regular computer and they opened without any difficulty or other software need. Find them on Amazon or through the links on here: http://hip2save.com/2013/12/31/amazon-4-free-highly-rated-ebooks-by-beth-moore/

Anyway...

I heard a suggestion on the radio recently about a 21-day challenge. There are lots of resolutions and great plans of how to improve ourselves this time of year, but this one has more long term implications than the ones stressing how to improve our bodies or bank accounts. This one is a challenge to spend about 10 minutes per day seeking God, specifically by reading the book of John.

Okay, you all know I make a point of not checking who does and doesn't follow this, just for situations like this. But I still know what some readers will think when they read about this challenge. Some believers will think, "Oh, that's a great idea for someone who doesn't know about the Bible". But to you I still suggest it because there's always something more to glean from the Word. We're studying Matthew in Bible Study Fellowship this year and I'm getting more out of it than ever (the classes are everywhere, get in it, you won't be sorry!!!! www.bsfinternational.org). Every week I'm motivated and inspired, moreso than just focusing on the letters to churches that seem more practical. Another group of readers would say they are Christians but aren't totally devoted. Half of what I say on here sounds foreign or a little crazy. You might think you should do this challenge at some point, so maybe you'll bookmark it for when your schedule opens up. Please just do it now! It will only take a few minutes and really could change your life. Don't let fear of having to give things up by truly seeking Him get in the way of what He has for you! Finally, there are likely plenty of readers who have a different belief set than me. If you're closed off to Christianity, you can do this challenge for the sake of better understanding or debating us, or to resolve those nagging questions we could all face one day, "What if I'm wrong?" and "What if they're right?". Ignorance is no longer an acceptable defense, we all have access to all sorts of religious writings and beliefs and being angry at God or anything else doesn't make Him any less real.

I don't want to ruin God's word by adding external commentaries or explanations to it, so I'm going to just paste it here, with a little formatting for ease of reading. One chapter per day for 21 days. It will take you 10 minutes. Get to a quiet place, turn off your phone, set the kids in front of an educational tv show, pray for your eyes/ears/heart to be open to receiving it, and then read it. Write down your random thoughts, notes, or questions, to refer to later. If it is not real, it doesn't matter if you do it, it wouldn't hurt to pray to or read about a God who doesn't hear or care. 

Here it is, John chapter 1:

      In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe.  He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.

        The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given.  For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.

    Now this was John’s testimony when the Jewish leaders in Jerusalem sent priests and Levites to ask him who he was. He did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “I am not the Messiah.” They asked him, “Then who are you? Are you Elijah?” He said, “I am not.” “Are you the Prophet?” He answered, “No.”

      Finally they said, “Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?” John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, “I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness,‘Make straight the way for the Lord.’”  Now the Pharisees who had been sent questioned him, “Why then do you baptize if you are not the Messiah, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?”  “I baptize with water,” John replied, “but among you stands one you do not know. He is the one who comes after me, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.” This all happened at Bethany on the other side of the Jordan, where John was baptizing.

     The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ I myself did not know him, but the reason I came baptizing with water was that he might be revealed to Israel.” Then John gave this testimony: “I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him.  And I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, ‘The man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’  I have seen and I testify that this is God’s Chosen One.”

     The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, “Look, the Lamb of God!”  When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, “What do you want?” They said, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?”  “Come,” he replied, “and you will see.”

So they went and saw where he was staying, and they spent that day with him. It was about four in the afternoon.

     Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus.The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, “We have found the Messiah” (that is, the Christ). And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which, when translated, is Peter).

     The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, “Follow me.” Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida.  Philip found Nathanael and told him, “We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.”  “Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael asked. “Come and see,” said Philip. When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, “Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.”  “How do you know me?” Nathanael asked.

Jesus answered, “I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.” Then Nathanael declared, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the king of Israel.” Jesus said, “You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You will see greater things than that.” He then added, “Very truly I tell you, you will see ‘heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on’ the Son of Man.”

Circumstances

I have found myself in the midst of a war. The very first battle, between good and evil still continues to this day and I was blissfully unaware of much of it until recently. One thing is that I have been called to minister to and pray for sick people, mostly those with cancer, and it sometimes takes a mental toll on me. I start feeling like I'm praying the same words day after day, but just for different people. Like a broken record I pray from necessity rather than from the deep, wounded brokenness that overflows from the soul of an unworthy sinner. So I pray to care more, pray to break more, pray to yearn more. Then the worst thing happens--He answers those prayers. My circumstances change and I care more, ache from the inside out, cry out to the Lord for the ability to even comprehend the evil that surrounds me.

Psalm 34:15-18
"The eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry; but the face of the Lord is against those who do evil, to blot out their name from the earth. The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

I'm so saddened by the circumstances around me, and I am trying not to allow them to interfere with the celebration of the season. We should reflect on the amazing gift of Jesus. He came willingly into the world, and didn't sin. He was the only one who didn't deserve death, but He carried our sins just because He loved us. And He is now the only way to get to heaven. None of that will ever change. Our interpretation, understanding, or circumstances all change, but those truths will stay the same.

Malachi 3:6, "For I am the Lord, I do not change; Therefore you are not consumed O sons of Jacob"

I am supremely excited to tell you that Debora and I will be giving our testimonies on January 16 at Four Oaks Community Church. I've been honored to share it at many other places, but Four Oaks is our church home! I've been praying for and waiting on this opportunity for almost two years now. It will be well worth the wait, because we get to boast about His awesomeness there! If you're in town please come rejoice with us about the amazing God we serve.

I'm going through some really difficult circumstances right now but I have to be vague about all the details. So instead I ask that you join me in praying for protection for my family and the families of all those we've prayed for in the past, that they would increase in faith and peace, and for help in focusing on the Lord. Pray also that the Lord will use us all for His good, and that we would see Him in all things. I have some prayer updates and new requests that I'll put below:

Barbara--We were praying for her clear PET scan. We didn't get that miracle yet, but we will not lose faith. Her liver looks better but it grew in other places, so they are trying to remove some to assess what best destroys it then use those drugs on here. Sounds pretty cool to me. Pray she will have total relief from pain, doctors will treat her properly, and for a complete and miraculous removal of all cancer cells

Sally--PRAISE: A long time ago I talked about her on here. She was diagnosed with stage 4 BC soon after I was, and hers disappeared. It's been over a year without cancer and she had a bad PET scan recently, but HOORAY, the Lord had that disappear and further tests showed it was nothing.

Alison--PRAISE! At her 6 month scan they saw she has been cancer-free for over a year and a half! Glory be to God!!!!

Ryan--He has stage 4 stomach cancer and has been on chemo forever. He has a baby and has battling this for two years. Enough is enough, it's time for this miracle. Let's believe it for them because they are weak, tired, and worn out. We will carry him to the Lord and the Lord will heal him because of our faith (Mark 2:3-5)

Crystal--She and the others below are new on this list. She is young and was suddenly diagnosed with stage 4 BC. It's all over her body and the chemo didn't work so they are radiating most of her torso. They fear it is in her brain and are awaiting a CT scan. Please pray for her comfort and that she will lean on Him, as well as for her family's peace, faith and comfort. Pray in the short run for immediate relief from her vomiting and that her brain scan shows absolutely nothing is wrong, and again for long run total healing.

Marlena--She is young and has already seen the Lord do great things with her diagnosis. There were fears that it had spread but He put those to rest. However, she's undergoing chemo and has had a really hard time recovering from that. Please pray He will strengthen her so she can maintain her role as a mother and that He will make anything she needs to give up or modify very clear.

Jenny--She is a pastor's wife who has had a recurrence of BC. She has a long list of awesome things the Lord has done to show her that He is in charge and is running things smoothly. She will have a bilateral mastectomy on Friday because she already had radiation. Please pray that the surgery goes well and with a smooth recovery and that the doctors have wisdom for all the proper treatment.

Teri--She loves the Lord and her triple negative BC did not spread, which is great. She's going through chemo and trying to stay positive, but it's really hard to work while undergoing treatment and she cannot take much time off. Please pray for her supernatural response to the chemo, that she would stay healthy and not struggle with the normal side effects of the treatment.

Contessa--This is the young mom whose home burned down a few weeks ago. She is doing well and has a new place to stay. We are collecting money for her utility deposit. Please pray she gets everything she needs and draws closer to the Lord through this experience.

NOW is the time to pray

My amazing friend Debora, who knows pretty much everyone in Tallahassee, is having a PET scan today. At 1:30 actually. I think in the past she got her results faster (maybe immediately, but that might have been a different type of test) than I have but we'll see. So please, please devote a minute to praying for her accurate test results to show that all of her stage 4 breast cancer has disappeared.

Debora prayed for my miraculous healing then was diagnosed with the same thing just three months later. A ton of things have happened since then, and we have been amazed at how the Lord used her journey to draw others close to Him.

With that said, I know she was healed and I want this PET scan to show it. I know, we should be content in all circumstances. And God doesn't heal everyone. And we all have to suffer. But do you know what else? Jesus healed all who came to Him. And He told His disciples to go out and heal the sick (Matthew 10:8). Are we bigger sinners than the disciples? Probably. Well, we might be better than Judas. Sometimes. But sin is sin, and there is only one Holy Spirit. It's the one who came down as a dove and rested on Jesus. Then at pentacost the rest got it. So...was that Holy Spirit more powerful than the one we have today? NO. Did He care about healing back then but change His mind? NO. Did He love the people from back then more than He loves us today? NO. NO. NO.

James 5:14-16

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

I wasn't healed because I deserved it. He did it so all could see His glory. How He answers prayer. How He provides hope in a hopeless world. I want everyone to get to share that hope and joy that comes when you get to share His miracles. There is nothing like it. I can't think of a better day than October 9, 2013 for Debora to get to do that. And for all of us, who have prayed without ceasing for her, to get to hear it.

A few other little things--I was honored at the Cards for a Cure event that is a fundraiser for the TMH Cancer Center. It was so cool. We had a lot of friends there which made me so happy. And it made the small talk, etc. much more fun. Before my little speech they showed a video that I'll put the link to here. It's on Facebook so if you aren't a member and it doesn't let you see it tell me. Cards Testimony Video

I don't have time to brag about all the awesome stuff God has allowed me to witness lately, but it's a lot! At that event there were 450 people, mostly those I didn't know, gathered there to fight cancer. And they all got a brochure with my story, saw the video, and applauded when I gave a speech that said God was the hero of my story. It was a secular event so I was surprised I didn't get booed off the stage, let alone to have people clap! And tons of people approached me later and said it was so brave of me to say that. I guess in their world it takes more courage to share the truth than I was aware. It was SUCH a huge blessing, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

The last thing is that a few weeks ago I missed noting an important day on here. I feel really awful about it. It was Mesothelioma Awareness Day. You know, breast cancer gets a whole month of press and everywhere you turn you see something pink to raise awareness. People with Mesothelioma just get one day and who even noticed it? It was September 26. Apparently most people diagnosed with it get just 7200 hours to live. That's 300 days. The man who sent me the information about it said his wife is a rare survivor of it. So, please check out this website and keep that awful disease in your prayers.

I love you all. Seriously. I do.

Good and Bad

A week or two ago, I had a very bad day. I have excuses for it, but in the end I was just not being the generous, kind, loving, gentle person God made me to be. I stormed out of the house and took a drive to calm down. I found myself complaining loudly to God about all the annoying things that were going on, and I tried to remark that "this is not what I asked for". I was pulling the "woe is me, my life is unfair" card, I know. Anyway, as I was in mid-sentence, God changed my mind and heart so I announced (still loudly, I'm still me after all) instead, "this IS what I asked for. This is exactly what I asked for." And it was. I always made a point not to glamorize this life I've been given. When I begged for Him to take the cancer away, it was for His glory and so I could continue my work as a mother. I knew that both of those options are generally not highly appreciated tasks and there would be few accolades on earth to go along with them. The daily nonsense I put up with now is all exactly what I wanted and I am doing my best not to forget that.

We went to New Orleans last week. Yaacov had a business trip so the kids and I tagged along. It was the first trip with just the four of us since cancer. There were moments of craziness (all mothers remember what it's like trying to get kids to sleep in hotel rooms...parents have to tiptoe around in the dark starting at 7pm), but a few moments that were so special, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about them. One special time was in the early morning, when Naomi woke us all up and we were too tired to get up (plus, what is a family of four supposed to do at 5:30 am in New Orleans anyway?). I pulled her into bed with Abi and me. Yaacov didn't fit but he was snuggled up in the neighboring bed. We all cuddled and watched cartoons. The girls were warm next to me, and they giggled innocently at all the funny parts. It was a special time, another gift from the Lord. As I zoned out of the cartoon for a moment to thank Him, He reminded me like He had during the bad day: "This is what you asked for."

I am more aware than ever that He gives us good things but still allows bad ones. He wants the best for us. He is for us. For me. For you. Romans 8:31, "What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?"

Tests

Got the PET scan results today...no cancer! It's been at least a year since I had any evidence at all of cancer. I knew I was healed of the life-taking disease last Groundhog day (who knew that was a real holiday?!), but there was still a bit of minor cancer in my original tumor. The scan I had around last Memorial day though showed no cancer cells at all. And it's still gone a year later. He did it, He kicked Satan and his disease out of my body and replaced it with healthy, viable cells (Deuteronomy 7:15).

Remember when Dr. Litton, the special expert I saw at MD Anderson, told me I would never be cancer-free for even a day? Me too. That was a lie from the destroyer, meant to blast any hope we had left into tiny shards that would poke at anyone whose path we crossed. But God Almighty turns all things the enemy intends for evil into good. That bad news is now part of my testimony, which I will continue to share at every opportunity. The testimony that cries, "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" (Revelation 5:13)

Around this time last year I got to share my story when the Ride for Hope gave me their "Hero for Hope" award. It was an honor to share what God did amongst a secular group, and it was really cool to get that award. It is a great group of amazing people and raises funds for the TMH cancer center. That event will be held this weekend and they need volunteers. If you live in Tallahassee and have time, please volunteer! Or if you are a bike rider jump into the race! You can get more info at http://therideforhope.com/

If you are reading this, even if I don't know you personally, thank-you for supporting my family and me through thoughts, prayers and shares. I had a deadly disease that by all accounts could not be cured with medicine. Now it's gone. God did that. Because so many of us asked and believed He would do it. He did it for His glory, so that all would recognize His awesomeness. If you don't see it now, you have your reasons. It doesn't matter what those are, they all boil down to you being closed off to the Holy Spirit. All of us have those moments; for some they last seconds, for others a lifetime. The truth is that we all have a chance to open our hearts and accept Jesus' sacrifice for us. Doing that will take us down a path to spending an eternity with the Lord. But most of us won't go that way. In many ways it's easier not to believe and follow God. But if we don't we will suffer because of that choice forevermore. I pray that this experience God has involved me with will be the catalyst many need to decide to take the narrow path toward the Lord. 

“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

The awesome stranger at the Top Salon Contest

Awhile back I mentioned that I was going to be in a fashion show and a makeover contest, then I never followed up about them. Both events were great. The fashion show was a fundraiser for the Joanna Francis Living Well Foundation, which is a great group that gives funds to local women to help pay for the non-medical costs associated with their treatment.

The makeover was a really big deal that took me way out of my comfort zone. The first thing we did was take before pictures looking dowdy. I wore sweats, which I am not unfamiliar with. Then we made a video where I told the 5-minute version of the story. That was to increase the talk about the show. The model's story isn't a publicly judged part of the competition, but they felt that in the past people with good stories did better. I'm not sure if this link will work because it's through Facebook, but this is an attempt to link to the video. After that we picked out the snazziest outfit we could find because the models would be judged while on the catwalk in front of over 600 people. There were 4 judges and everyone in the audience got to vote too, but it was unclear what percent of the vote the audience comprised. We started the makeover 24 hours before the event and I looked different than I expected. I was surprised that the colors worked for me, but the final product looked good.

The experience was really nerve-wracking. A few weeks before I became very aware that we weren't going to win. Not to say the judging is a sham, but there were undertones that the event coordinators were really focusing on certain people. Then it happened that one salon was honored with a lifetime achievement award then happened to win the Top Salon Contest too.

When I realized it was very unlikely that we would win I was humbled. I had been on such a roll with God as of late, where I had been shown favoritism time after time that I sort of started to expect it. After a lifetime of being the least favorite, always second place, etc. I really enjoyed the change. I gave Him the credit but deep down there was some sort of pride that I had sort of done something right to deserve it. Like I had finally stumbled upon the magic trick to have an easy life. So, it was really good for me to not win. I found peace beforehand with the concept that while I thought we should win (the winner's story got published in Tallahassee magazine) to glorify God, God doesn't need any help being glorified. It's my job to do it, but not within my constructs of good and bad ideas. Within His.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."--Prov 16:9

I prayed beforehand and felt that any ways I could draw attention to God's awesomeness would make that night/experience a success. We didn't win the contest but it was definitely successful. I got to know a lot of ladies from the salon (if you live in Tallahassee, go to Haute Headz, they are the best!), and had the opportunity to tell one of the other contestants about His miracle. Plus, I was reminded that people still remember me from last year. You might recall that back then I was getting recognized and stopped several times per day by people who were following my blog or praying for me. That has virtually stopped, but one highlight of the night was when it happened as I walked the runway: I was terrified, much more scared than I've been in a long time. My dress was sort of damaged so didn't fit properly so I had to be really cautious about showing my booty, and we had missed the practice and was unable to get any look at the runway before I walked down it. The cheering was so loud I never heard my music, which is what I had used to emphasize my "moves". Anyway, I couldn't see anyone because of the lights, and a few steps in someone (I couldn't get a good look but really think she was a stranger because no one I knew was sitting in that area) shouted some really inspiring words at me about what I'd been through. About how far God has brought me.

That was one of the most memorable moments of the night. I wonder if the woman realized I even heard her, let alone how much it meant to me. There was something intangible about it. It was just LOVE. Straight from above, for that moment I needed it. It takes me back to the days of strangers stopping me when I was bald and telling me I was beautiful. One time three people did it in one trip to the drugstore. Back then I noted it, but it just added a drop to my empty heart. Now I remember that stuff and hold it dearly. God used so many people to show me His love. He practically beat me over the head with it and I couldn't accept it.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."--Lk 12:6-7

It was so personal and timely, utterly encouraging. It also reminds me how amazing it has been for strangers and virtual strangers to support my family and me so much. That they would care so much about and for me. Thank-you to that woman for her devotion and support! Thank-you to the awesome ladies at Haute Headz who made me look amazing (pics below), Ashley Easom (hair), Darcy and Monique plus everyone else there, thanks to my amazing friends Christine Boulos, Caroline Fleischer, Jenni Cox, Jennifer & Justin Menendez, my awesome mom, and to my biggest fan of all, the incomparable Yaacov. He is the best husband I could hope for. We were made for each other and his strengths during this cancer journey bolstered my weaknesses so much, I can't imagine going through it with anyone else.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" --Gal 6:2

Yaacov and me. He was grinning all night so I will try to keep at least parts of the makeover up.

                                                             Awesome ladies of Haute Headz

                    Great friends who always support me: Caroline Fleischer, Christine Boulos and Jenni Cox

                                                                My mom is so cute.

  

Ashley did my hair, styled me, got me a tan and makeup person, and coordinated every part of the makeover.

Terminal Cancer

I can't sleep. I'm having flashbacks of my trip to MD Anderson from last year. I just went back and read the blogs I wrote then (1/9/12) and can't believe how upbeat I sounded compared to how I felt. The Lord really carried me through that awful time. I have thought a lot about it lately because, as I mentioned, my friend Alison went there for a consultation this Jan. 9. I thought it was really weird that out of 365 days, the Lord had her go the exact same day I went the year prior, so it's been on my mind even more. Incidentally, her trip there went well. They didn't offer any great surprises or news but agreed with the treatment she was on and approved of her current doctors, etc.

So, I've been thinking about that trip mostly because I recently realized that was the turning point for me. I had been forced to take in the realities of a terminal diagnosis and whatnot, but that horrendous meeting was the last straw in my precarious, man-made world. I was left so empty. So broken. So hopeless. I had held out so much hope that God would use that trip as a lifeline. I knew He could heal me any way but thought all the signs pointed to it being that way.  It was that much more insulting with those hopes to show up there and be treated like garbage. Or, like litter. Garbage matters enough that one picks it up and takes it to a dumpster. Litter is more insignificant, left for the wind to carry off or destroy. I am so thankful that our Lord doesn't see me like that though. That it wasn't the wind, but the Lord God Almighty who lifted me up. And instead of destroying me like I deserved, He carried me through the storm and blessed me like never before.

I am burdened by a new group of terminal cancer patients that I've been learning about. The truth is that the doctors insist they're dying because they are. Technically, anyway. It's not the doctor's faults, it's the result of our fallen world. But as long as I live I will declare that only the Lord can number our days, and that no matter how small the frequency, once in awhile He pulls us out of the fire just in time. So it's not true that everyone dies once it's stage 4. Even if there's just a .000000001 percent survival rate, it's still something. If He did it for me, He can do it for you. Or your friends or loved ones. So, please keep praying for God's miraculous interventions in the lives of all the sick people we know. And keep believing in and expecting those miracles, just like the faithful followers who went before us.

"Very truly I tell you, whoever believes in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father." John 14:12

This time last year...

It was November 18 last year, but I will always remember it on the day Abigail has her Thanksgiving Feast at school. It is November 16 this year. Today. Last year we were so excited--it was her first presentation/show ever. It was a Friday. Two days before I had gotten the call that my mass was NOT cancer. Finally, we could breathe easy! Time to enjoy the holidays!

About this time, 10:30 am, I got a call from my friend Nicole. We were chatting about how I didn't have cancer when Dr. Crooms clicked in on call waiting. I didn't recognize the number but I knew it was him. He had mentioned that the results of the permanent-section biopsy would be in on Friday. I hadn't been worried, less than 5% of the initial biopsies are false negatives. He had no need to call and I didn't expect him to. Unless there was bad news after all.

I knew as soon as I saw the number flash on the phone. My heart raced. I listened. I cried. I died a little inside. A lot, actually. I called Yaacov at work. Didn't want to tell him over the phone but had to get him home in time to meet with Dr. Crooms to make a plan.

I had an hour to process it, then had to get my act together and go to the presentation. The Thanksgiving Feast. When things like this happen people usually report everything was a blur. It wasn't. I was aware of every second that passed. I watched my little girl walk shyly in line with her class. Watched her hiding behind her friends, forgetting all the hand motions she'd practiced since September. Wondered how things would change. I didn't know how bad it was yet, but knew I would go through life-altering treatments. Imagined how her fragile confidence would be shaken if her mommy wasn't around to encourage her.

One year ago was the beginning. I didn't always have strong enough faith to be certain of how it would end. It was hard. So hard. It's still so hard, and my storm is over. But God helped me every second of every day. He sheltered me and yet I still remember the pain. If I didn't have Him there is no way I could have made it through.

Philippians 3:4-11

[Paul said] though I myself have reasons for such confidence. If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more:  circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee;  as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.  But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ  and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.  I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.

I can finally say I am truly grateful for the experience. I have moments I still hate it. Hate the fact that there is always a twinge of fear for the cancer's return. Hate my repulsive new body and that my hair looks like Corey from Boy Meets World. But my faith has grown enormously, and I value it more than ever. I don't mean faith like just believing in God and His goodness. I mean faith like the actual act of believing in what cannot be seen. Believing that JESUS GAVE ME THE AUTHORITY TO MOVE MOUNTAINS (Mth 21:21). Believing not than "God Can" but that "God WILL". Back then I thought I had to wait for God to assure me He would do something, and then He would. Now I know that TRUE FAITH is believing that the nature of Him is described in the Bible, and that believing He will do things that fit His nature is what we are called to do. It is a whole new element to my world, and it is more important than anything else I know. It took me 32 years of experience leading up to my miraculous healing, plus that whole journey to get it, and there is no other way I would have preferred to learn it.

Here's to the Lord God Almighty. The maker of heaven and earth. Creator of you and me. He loves your soul, whether you love Him back or not. If you don't, please consider it. Consider Him. It can be hard to believe, but even harder not to.

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

After our death on earth we are all going to carry on for eternity. You can spend it in heaven with Him, or in eternal separation from Him. Hell. If you're reading this it's not too late. But tomorrow it could be. Only He knows the number of our days, and this could be your last chance. Once it's too late it's over. There will be no take-backs or do-overs. Love yourself enough to look out for your future. Love your family enough to do what it takes to spend forever with them and God. Love your friends enough to drag them off the path to hell and onto the narrow path of righteousness.

Romans 10:9-10

That if you confess with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.  For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved.

Revelation 22:17

The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!" And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life.

2 months post-surgery, 4 weeks into radiation

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus." 1 Thess 5:18

God is so good to me. I am so blessed, I cannot believe how much I whine about being tired or unhealthy. There are so many worse problems to have, and I HAVE BEEN MIRACULOUSLY HEALED. What else do I need?.But God puts up with me. He gently reminds me of His goodness instead of hitting me in the head with a frying pan. Or with a bullet, like all those people in Colorado. We were at the opening night show of Batman here--with just a few different life choices we could have ended up there instead--winding up dead, or desperately wounded, reminded constantly of what life had been like before. I read that the parents of a girl who died were praying that people would not lose their faith in God after this tragedy. Can you imagine having such grace, faith, and peace a day after your daughter was brutally murdered? I sometimes am too burnt out to wish I was like that, because I become fearful that He will put me in the circumstances that would make me like that. As if He would say, "You asked for it. Let's see much do you really want to be like me."

"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom;
all who follow his precepts have good understanding.
To him belongs eternal praise. " Ps 111:8 

Sometimes during cancer I felt like I'd brought it on to myself. Not because of eating too much sugar or other ridiculousness, but because of all my prayers to be refined, used, etc. I guess I still do feel that, but not as strongly. He chose me for the challenge, but I will never know why. They say faith is tested not to show God what you believe, but to show yourself and others. Maybe that's all it was. My faith was tested, and ultimately strengthened, through it all. I'm not the same person now, and even today, as I struggle with exhaustion and am disappointed in a variety of my own behaviors, my "worst" is different than it was a year ago. I won't dare to say it's "better", because I'm too tired to view it clearly and do not want to overstate it.

"Give praise to the Lord, proclaim his name; make known among the nations what he has done."
1 Chron 16:8

I have many issues to update everyone with, but a few will have to wait for more detailed posts. The important things are that, 2 months after surgery I'm looking and feeling good. Every professional who sees my wounds wants to know who did the surgery and commends Dr. Crooms on his awesome work. I'm still tender to the touch, and my upper back hurts, but they are the level of pain we all live with anyway. My radiated area just became burned and sore to the touch yesterday, and because it's the weekend has had a chance to heal. This will be my last full week, so I imagine it'll be a painful one, but there are only 7 more times total, so that's fine. I'm getting the genetic testing done that I mentioned but the results won't be in for 6-8 months. I got involved in a genetic (non-treatment) study, and if the Lord chose not to adjust my mutation, my adult relatives can get tested through them for free. So, it's a win-win, especially because my cousin couldn't convince her doctor to let her get tested. Apparently some doctors balk at testing when it comes before a diagnosis. Sort of undoes the point of genetic testing, if you ask me. But it's expensive and different, I guess, so we shouldn't expect anything else.

"And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us." Romans 5:2-5

Finally, the girl we prayed for on 7/26, with the lung cancer got some good results--she is involved in a non-chemo clinical trial and her cancer has significantly decreased after just a few weeks on the treatment. So, thanks for the prayers and to our Amazing Lord!

Cool Things Happening

What a nice day! I'm officially half-way done with my radiation treatments, and that in itself is very exciting. The treatments aren't bad and I enjoy the people there, but going every single day has been taxing. It's in the middle of the day, which also happens to be Naomi's naptime, so it feels like I never get a break. I prayed a lot about it yesterday, because it was making me very unpleasant to be around, and I guess my answer was a much easier, more peaceful day today.

So the first cool events occurred during radiation today. I have to depend on my radiation therapist to use a speaker and tell me when to start the special breathing I previously described. If she happens to forget, I start when I hear the machine kick on but so far that has been too late. I have to redo it, and the extra few minutes of fancy breathing is tough. So today she set me up on the machine and as soon as I got inside God told me to start breathing. If you don't know God, that's one of those times you would later say, "something told me...". I recognized that as His, not my own, voice and started it. It turned out she did forget to tell me so we would have had to redo that one. So that was cool.

It turned out the machine went offline while I was in there anyway, so we did have to redo it. After a delay I went back in and heard that same idea of "Start your breathing". This time I didn't recognize it was God and thought, "she would NEVER forget to tell me twice in a row." So, I didn't do it. A second later, the speaker made this garbly sound and I heard the therapist's voice quietly say, "Okay, start your breathing". I did. When the scan was done she ran in and apologized for not having told me to breathe. Amazed, I told her I had heard her voice through the speaker. There was another worker who was with her and both insist she didn't say a word into the speaker, or about breathing!!!!!!!!! WHAT?!? Who was that? Ahem, it was the great "I AM".

Exodus 3:14, "God said to Moses, 'I AM who I AM'. This is what you are to say to the Israelites, I AM has sent me to you"

Another interesting thing that happened today was that I got a call from Dr. McAlpine's office. Basically, he is still concerned that I'm going to get ovarian cancer, because that's really common with BRCA 1 people (usually after age 40, but I'm always the exception!). Dr. Rassam is not at all concerned that I'll get it so doesn't want to screen me for it. So I'm still seeing Dr. Rassam for breast cancer screening but also McAlpine for ovarian screening. Ovarian screening is really behind the times, so we're doing all that's possible--blood tests and utrasounds, midway between the scans I get from Rassam. Anyway, last week I had that blood test and it happened to include one for the breast cancer too. I was not concerned at all until today when McAlpine's nurse left a message to call her. She sounded devastated and I almost forgot Deut 31:8, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged." I really didn't think I suddenly had cancer, but did think some of the (notoriously inconsistent) results might have been bad and would result in a little chaos and additional testing or problems. Anyway, I called back and she still sounded like she was about to tell me someone died. But she said both tests were normal, hooray!!!!

Habakkuk 3:2, "Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, i our time make them known."

"Crazy" Prayers for a Crazy Girl

I just wrote half this blog, pressed the wrong button, and lost it all. Usually I would take that
as a sign that I'm being too bold, too pushy. Not this time. This time I feel there is a reason the enemy doesn't want me to spit out what's in my heart. So I will carry on...

If you didn't already think I was crazy, you probably will after this post. That's okay, I am no longer trying to serve men, but I serve God instead (Galatians 1:10). I have a new prayer request that is bolder than any I've prayed before. The good news is that our God is bigger than what I realized before! There is no limit to His power, but only a limit to our perception of Him. He created me, my ancestors, and my DNA. Now I am asking Him for evidence that He has CHANGED my DNA. I have been praying about whether He might want me to pray for my genetic mutation to be gone, and whether I should have a test done to confirm it. As soon as I forgot about it, a bunch of doors opened and I have found myself in a great spot to get a new genetic test done--for free, no hassle, no worries.

I am aware that this could be a set up--a snare by the enemy to make me look like a fool. Bad results could discourage me and cause me to lose focus. That's why I need prayer. I need to make sure it is His mighty will for the test to be performed, and that I should be praying for proper, BRCA negative genes. Ps 25:21, "May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in you."

Here are my thoughts: My doctors still want me to have my ovaries removed, and I'm extremely resistent to this. If I'm not BRCA positive, they won't care nearly as much about that. And, honestly, it would help me be more comfortable in my refusal to have them removed. More importantly, if God removed the genetic mutation from my body, there is no way my girls would have that mutation. When they turn 18 they wouldn't have to be concerned with those tests and deciding what to do about potential results (it would be recommended for them to have prophylactic mastectomies, ovary removal, and hormone therapy very early on). Finally, and MOST importantly, I do believe God has answered my prayers of a total healing and forgiveness of the generational sin I think started it all. If so, it makes sense to me (can't speak for God, of course), that the genetic mutation would be gone as well.

The more I pray for and attempt to minister to people who are in pain, the more convinced I am that we have not because we ask not (Luke 11:9), and because we do not believe He will answer us. People make really good arguments for not believing He will answer, but I can't find those in the Bible. Instead the Bible is filled with promises that if you believe, He will answer! People see what they consider to be unanswered prayers and attempt to explain them away. Those become whispers and arguments against true belief (Gal 5:10, "The one who is throwing you into confusion will pay the penalty"). Those arguments are just fears though. Perfect love drives OUT fear! I don't want to limit God by setting parameters on what I believe or expect Him to do. He is El Elyon, Sovereign over ALL!

So, that's that. I plan to continue praying to ensure that my heart is aligned with His (James 4:3, "When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives..."), and in the meantime I will proceed with the test and pray for BRCA negative results. Obviously if it comes back negative this time the doctors will just say the first test was wrong, but we'll still know...and they might start wondering a bit more...

"And I will do anything you ask in my name, so that the Son will bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it." John 14:13-14

Radiation et al.

Alright, here's the whole schbeel on radiation. I'll go blow by blow so people have an idea what to expect for this type of treatment:

I go every business day, I think 33 times total, for 6.5 weeks. It takes exactly 20 minutes, but there can be time spent waiting around. It's at the same time every single day, 11:40 am. That wasn't my choice but is working out nicely, because it's during Naomi's naptime so I don't miss anything.

So, I had two set-up appointments, one week apart. At the first one I laid on this pillow with my arms holding handles over my head. It was then vacuum sealed to pull all the air out of it. The result was a plastic form molded perfectly to my back and head. I lay on that hard plastic mold every time now, and it keeps my body in the exact same position it was in when the initial measurements were taken. They used all kinds of lasers and scans to figure out exactly where to radiate, and marked my body all over with a rainbow of Sharpie markers. At the end of that, three important marks were covered with clear stickers that cannot be washed, bathed, or swam in order to protect the marks. Tomorrow I will be getting tattoos in those spots so the stickers can come off and they'll always know where to line up the beams.

After the first measurements, a physics team figured out the exact angles and details that are being used to radiate the area that previously had the most cancer. In many cases, the radiation is used to kill the cancer, but in mine it helps keep it from coming back. The area of the original tumor spot is where it is most likely to return. The downsides are that once it has been radiated one can't get it again if cancer does show up there, and of course there are side effects of putting all this radiation into your body. These are not concerns of mine because I trust in the Lord. If He wanted me to go through this, He will take care of the rest!

The scans showed that my heart sits in the exact spot they need to radiate. So, they have me do a ridiculous breathing technique to move my heart out of the way and get a clear shot. Dr. Bolek (my radiologist-oncologist), and all three of his staff who have looked at it, have all remarked how amazing the difference is when I'm breathing the special way and normally. They say that with the breathing my heart just scoots over, entirely out of the way. They say not everyone can do this breathing technique, but because I have low anxiety and am willing, I do it. Maybe that's one more reason the Lord has been showing me not to fear--because the one time I sort of messed up and got stressed out, it compounded the problem and was a bit disastrous.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

This breathing technique can be hard to imagine, so if you're bored, do it with me! I lay on my back, on that hard mold I described. My arms hold handles over my head, parallel to the floor. The mold was created with my head looking forward, but I have to turn it to the right during treatments and scans. That means fitting the whole side of my face into a hole made for the tiny back of my head. There's even a pointy part that pokes me.That part is painful. Once my upper body gets moved into the machine, the radiation therapist tells me when to inhale. I breathe in as deeply as I can, but only exhale a smidge. I can't release my lungs the whole time (I think the first is a scan for 3 minutes, the second is a treatment for 5 minutes).Instead, I just inhale and exhale at the upper part of my lung capacity, short little breaths. It's hard because I have to stay really calm. In that position I can feel my heart pound heavily, like it would if I was terrified. Somehow, that hints to my brain that I AM terrified, and if I don't stay calm my already-short breaths speed up like I'm panting. In case you didn't know, altogether that spells a freak out session. It brings back memories of asthma attacks. The worst time was during the second scan ever, and my legs took over, wriggling to get the rest of my body out of the machine. All the other times I've been better though.

I have heard that radiation is very lonely, because the worker is in another room, and you go into this machine that reeks of sadness and pain. How many people have cried inside that thing? How many have died from the same cancer that brought them there? Who prayed aloud for relief in there but heard only the echo of her human voice in response?

"Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Ps 27:14

I am not lonely in there. Maybe I'm too busy breathing, or maybe I'm too focused on living. I got my miracle! That doesn't make it any easier for other people, of course, but my view differs now. There's been a lot of heartache for people I know lately, and even though I have more compassion than before, it doesn't bring me down like I would think. I have the utmost faith and assurance that God is in control. There will ALWAYS be a happy ending, even if it is too far off for us to see and feel. At the beginning of this journey that idea bothered me so much, because I wanted to dictate my own happy ending. But with so much more trust in the Almighty I see the big picture more clearly. And for those times I can't see the literal picture, my confidence in Him assures me that it's still there; It's just not my job to see it. It's His!

"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength'." Neh 8:10

It's easy to see how people let us down, and when you're in the midst of trouble you get sucked in to allow Satan to convince you they can't improve. But beyond the fact that you can always believe in miracles, you can also remember that God is bigger than humans. It doesn't matter how awesome a man of God might seem to be; he's still just a MAN of God.

"This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD." Jer 21:5

We aren't doing Him any favors by doing His work. It is out privilege and an honor to do it. And if we don't, God will take care of it. When all else fails and every man falls short (as we do), God can use billions of other options to get His work done. Remember King Belshazzar in Daniel 5? God sent him a message through a human hand--with no body attached to it! "Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lampstand in the royal palace. The king watched the kand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his knees knocked together and his legs gave way."

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31

Going in..

I'm about to go in for surgery. I need to be there at 5:30 am, sugery should start at 7:30. Yaacov will be responsible for blogging and updating people that I am perfectly fine.

I have been completely calm and fearless about this procedure. I was feeling like it was a routine thing, like getting shots. I got in late last night from picking my mom up at the airport though, and got worked up about my girls. Not the "girls" they're about to remove, my actual daughters. I realized I've been so focused on giving back to other people and my own recovery that I haven't given them the time or attention they deserve. I'm not just putting myself down, I have really been a bad mother lately. I would say it's ironic, because they are the very reason I was fighting to survive, and now because of surviving my priorities changed and not entirely for the best. However, that's not irony or coincidence. That is the enemy, and he won some battles. His cancer may not have taken my life but it briefly took my parenting skills.

Not anymore, I'm back. Or, almost back. I spent a lot of time cuddling with each of them in the middle of the night. They won't remember, but I will. And if something does happen to me in surgery, their last experience of me will have been perfect--quiet, intentional, prayerful, and overflowing my heart with peace, joy, and love.

A lot of people have reached out to me lately, and I haven't had a chance to get back to everyone. I'm sorry but do appreciate it very much. Talk to y'all soon!

Deut 31:8, "The Lord is the One who will go before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not be afraid or discouraged."

Josh 1:9, "Have I not commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go."

I don't have time to type all these, but while waiting I will be praying and meditating on those along with Psalm 23 and Philippians 4:4-8.

Prayer Requests

I will have my breasts removed on Friday.

I recently heard mention of how in biblical times people would tear their clothes at the chest as a physical sign to others that their hearts were broken. When I would read that someone did it in the Bible it seemed more like an outward sign than a passionate cry for help. But now I get it. If my mutilated chest wasn't the exact thing I was trying to hide, I would tear my clothes too.
As it is, I will have tons of gauze and bandages compressing me tightly, as if to hold the pieces of my heart from flowing out. The bad news is that it will take me one more (hopefully, final) step away from the person I was just a year ago. Mentally and physically. If you hadn't seen me since before cancer you would not recognize me at all, and I will not grasp at straws to claim there is a silver lining to the loss of my physical beauty. The good news is that, after a few tears I have gotten it all back in perspective and I hope to keep it that way. I will (try to) wear my fuzzy head, scars, wrinkles, and drawn-on eyebrows with pride because my God upheld my inner self despite the outer turmoil.

 For "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever". Ps 73:26. I would much rather lose my outsides than my insides, and I believe God has done that for me.

Gracious God, Lord of all, I don't understand all the reasons why I must go through this. But I don't need to. I recognize you in it, and am covered in your peace. Your love. I feel you. I trust you. I thank you. Psalm 16:5 says, "Lord, YOU have assigned me my portion and my cup; YOU have made my lot secure". You do these things for me. I will do what you ask of me. For your glory. Your fame. Your honor.

I would appreciate prayer for my upcoming surgery, as well as for the biopsies, tumor markers, and PET/CT scan that I have over the next two weeks. Please pray that everything will accurately show that I have absolutely no cancer anywhere in my body. I am taking it a step further and praying that reports will say there is no evidence of disease, and no evidence that there ever WAS a disease. And pray that Dr. Crooms and the other workers will be well-rested and every single cut and decision they make will be correct and perfect. Also, please pray for a friend from church who is the second woman who prayed for my healing that has since been diagnosed with breast cancer. The first has already been deemed cancer-free since the diagnosis. Many thanks, I love you all!