Some side effects of miracles...

Abi's school was closed today. We had a really, really nice day together. Weekends have been so busy that there's normally no chance to relax, but today we were able to relax and just enjoy hanging out. It makes me feel so much better about everything.

She has been behaving better, so thanks very much for your prayers. God helped a lot and showed me more things I could do to get things consistent again. We're getting there, but it's still one day at a time. On the other hand, Naomi is a happy, happy, happy baby almost all the time. She is naughty in an 18-month-old way but our relationship has improved massively over the past few months, and she seems really well-adjusted.

Altogether, things seem sort of...normal now. I know what to expect every day and hardly any of it is bad. I want to like it, but I can't get comfortable. I have no big problems to consume my thoughts so I just coast through the days without a care in the world, then when I have a bit of time I am overcome with memories from this time last year. I believe I am fully healed, and much of my anxiety has waned in the past few months, but I am still so damaged by it all. I should be happy that I went through all this and got my miracle, but I'm just saddened by it. I'm angry that I will spend every day until I die as a person who might have cancer come back. I am doing my best to cling to the memory of the miracle, and to build my faith in the meantime. But I have yet to come across anyone with a similar miracle who didn't have any hint of a recurrence. Instead, I have learned the key is to not accept it, and through faith and prayer it usually disappears. Good plan, right? NO! I don't want that! I don't want any fear or chance of it returning. That would be a test, and I don't want anymore tests!

I don't want to grow, I don't want to learn, I just want to be happy and healthy forever.

It's so stupid, but I won't even pray for certain things anymore because I'm afraid of they way God might answer. If you remember, I was praying intently for someone's salvation, promising the Lord I would do anything for him to know Him. Right after that I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when he was a kid. I will tell you I believe his lack of accepting the Lord from that was the only failure from my diagnosis and healing. It might have enhanced his belief a bit, but didn't bring him all the way to Jesus' loving arms. Do you think I pray the same way for him now? NO WAY. No way. nope. Can't risk it.

So, there you have it. We'll call these issues "side effects" of the miracle. I know my mindset is wrong about a lot of things. I need prayer I guess. And faith. Mostly faith. In the meantime, it is back to basics: Get my mind off me and toward God, then everything else will fall into place. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Updated Prayers for today, Monday and beyond

In case anyone on here is a prayer warrior (I know the answer to that!), there are some upcoming important events for a few of the severe illnesses I'm following. I have been trying to not give away as much identifying info as I did in the past so that's why I'm just using initials:

Today (Thursday) from 6-7 pm we will be praying for DP. She is undergoing chemo and was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer a few months ago. She has an upcoming CT scan and Friday is her chemo day. There is a specific prayer we're all praying for her. If you want to join in, email me and I'll forward it to you. Please pray that she will believe not just that God CAN heal her, but that He WILL heal her. Pray for her continued comfort and ease of treatments, and that she will enjoy every moment and blessing around her.

"Jesus replied, 'I tell you the truth, if you have faith and DO NOT DOUBT, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done. If you believe you WILL receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Mth 21:21-22.

Monday we will be fasting and praying for AA.AA has a really crummy case, too. Six years ago she was diagnosed with an extremely rare cancer called endometrial stromal sarcoma. I think there were only 300 cases then or something. It was Stage 4 upon discovery, but she was miraculously healed. When I was first diagnosed, everyone from church told me about her, as the example of how one could be healed. Well, a tumor recently returned and Dr. Crooms removed it (Dr. McAlpine is her other amazing local doctor, woohoo!). There are no tests and very little treatment for this rare condition. Her youngest daughter is 13 now, and this fear of recurrence is the last thing she needs. The last thing anyone needs. I'm particularly saddened by it because the return can make AA lose confidence that she was ever healed in the first place. She is getting another opinion from MD Anderson next week. They're obtaining her slides and reviewing them that way, so we don't know Monday is it. But it's a good day to petition the Lord, in unity, for her true, final healing. There is some debate about whether it is low or high grade, so she would like us to pray that it is low grade. I will be praying for her confidence and peace as she trust the Lord with her health, and that there is no evidence of any sort of disease in her, forevermore.
An elder from church is also a doctor, and he blogged about AA. All the details are here, ipressontothegoal.blogspot.com/2012_05_01_archive.html

Phil 4:6-7, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

A young lady named JH was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, and felt the Lord guided her away from the traditional treatments. She has no children but desperately wants them, so she had her eggs frozen and recently began a clinical trial for a non-chemo drug. She is having a CT scan on July 26. I don't know what day she'll get the results so that's the day I'll be praying especially hard.

James 5:14-16, "Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has GREAT POWER as it is working."

Please pray that all these women will have supernatural peace and belief that God is in control. Pray they will boldly push aside any doubts that they will be healed, and instead embrace the opportunity to be a part of His glorious plan--a plan that involves their true hope, full healing, and awareness of His glory. Pray they will live as though they have already been healed, the way Abraham's faith was credited to him as righteousness. Pray they will persevere in the face of odds, and they would be protected from the evil one who comes to destroy them. Pray this experience will strengthen, rather than ruin them, mentally and physically.

There are three other cases to pray about, but I don't know what they have coming up so I'll wait to post them. For the most part, I don't think it matters when you pray for someone, but if we're joining together for the common purpose it feels right to do it at the same time. "For where two or three come together in my name, there I am with them" Mth 18:20

Whenever I set aside specific times or days to praying for something like that, I fast from food and entertainment when possible. Once in awhile fasting from food makes me very sick, so I take that as a sign to eat. The idea is to stay as focused as possible on the thing you're praying about. Also, when the disciples couldn't drive out a certain demon, some Bible translations say Jesus replied, "this kind can only come out by prayer and fasting.". Some versions don't say the fasting part, so I imagine there's controversy in the original Arameic term. But, I figure we are called to fast at times, and if there is a chance that some situations are dire enough to require fasting, it wouldn't hurt. When I give up a lot of things like that I'm also more attuned to what God wants, so I pray more in synch with Him.

"When you fast, do not look somber like the hypocrites do, for they disfigure their faces to show men they are fasting. I tell you the truth, they have received their reward in full." Mth 6:16

Day 2...Living with Cancer...?

Tired. Is it the cancer or the stress? Had a nice day with the family today. I like the distraction. Now the girls are in bed and Yaacov is playing video games. I spent half an hour looking for matching Christmas pajamas for the family, and just looked up and saw the time. Then I realized: I'm DYING. Right now. Who knows how much longer I have to live, and I just spent thirty minutes of it messing around on the internet. I'm such a loser.

My dad showed up today. That was a huge surprise. We were at Costco and he called but I didn't answer because I was driving. When we got home I saw flowers at the door with his business card. He was going to come from West Palm on Wednesday anyway, so he came up early and is staying the week. It'll be good because he can watch Naomi while I'm having the PET scan Monday. But I'm still in shock. I don't deal well with unplanned things. You know, like schedule changes. Or getting diagnosed with advanced, invasive breast cancer.

Cancer. Is this for real? Not just any cancer, but apparently stage 3 or 4. What was that shooting pain in my leg? Ow. Am I being paranoid or is my cough bad? It is only manageable when I'm on antibiotics then returns when I finish the pills. Lungs are one of the first places the idiot cancer cells move after breasts. Please, Lord, don't let the cancer have spread. On a happier note, perhaps we'll see that the lymph nodes don't light up in the PET scan, which would be awesome. Imagine that, good news!

Before the diagnosis I determined this would be my life verse, so I guess that shouldn't change now: Philippians 4:4-7, "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near. do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and  your minds in Christ Jesus."