Some side effects of miracles...

Abi's school was closed today. We had a really, really nice day together. Weekends have been so busy that there's normally no chance to relax, but today we were able to relax and just enjoy hanging out. It makes me feel so much better about everything.

She has been behaving better, so thanks very much for your prayers. God helped a lot and showed me more things I could do to get things consistent again. We're getting there, but it's still one day at a time. On the other hand, Naomi is a happy, happy, happy baby almost all the time. She is naughty in an 18-month-old way but our relationship has improved massively over the past few months, and she seems really well-adjusted.

Altogether, things seem sort of...normal now. I know what to expect every day and hardly any of it is bad. I want to like it, but I can't get comfortable. I have no big problems to consume my thoughts so I just coast through the days without a care in the world, then when I have a bit of time I am overcome with memories from this time last year. I believe I am fully healed, and much of my anxiety has waned in the past few months, but I am still so damaged by it all. I should be happy that I went through all this and got my miracle, but I'm just saddened by it. I'm angry that I will spend every day until I die as a person who might have cancer come back. I am doing my best to cling to the memory of the miracle, and to build my faith in the meantime. But I have yet to come across anyone with a similar miracle who didn't have any hint of a recurrence. Instead, I have learned the key is to not accept it, and through faith and prayer it usually disappears. Good plan, right? NO! I don't want that! I don't want any fear or chance of it returning. That would be a test, and I don't want anymore tests!

I don't want to grow, I don't want to learn, I just want to be happy and healthy forever.

It's so stupid, but I won't even pray for certain things anymore because I'm afraid of they way God might answer. If you remember, I was praying intently for someone's salvation, promising the Lord I would do anything for him to know Him. Right after that I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when he was a kid. I will tell you I believe his lack of accepting the Lord from that was the only failure from my diagnosis and healing. It might have enhanced his belief a bit, but didn't bring him all the way to Jesus' loving arms. Do you think I pray the same way for him now? NO WAY. No way. nope. Can't risk it.

So, there you have it. We'll call these issues "side effects" of the miracle. I know my mindset is wrong about a lot of things. I need prayer I guess. And faith. Mostly faith. In the meantime, it is back to basics: Get my mind off me and toward God, then everything else will fall into place. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"

Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Diet and Random Answers

I already posted today with content stuff, but a lot of people have been asking about random details of what I'm going through. So this should answer it. Please don't worry about bombarding me with questions either, I'm happy to share any details.

My Diet:
I'm followig the anti-cancer diet to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me as it's very time-consuming and I already don't have much time. Yaacov is also following it, and the girls are getting closer. When I mentioned this diet before I forgot to say that the limited science behind it also is primarily just to help stop or slow the spread of cancer. It is to be used along with medication and not in the place of it. Please don't follow this diet without evaluating it yourself. It was written 5 years ago and things change quickly.

The basics are--
No or very limited sugar and white flour (that includes no honey, cane or corn syrup, etc.)
Primarily eat veggies/fruit (organic best)
Whole grains good, multi-grains better, sourdough is okay but not helpful
Fish is good, I just don't like it
Animals and animal fats are limited and grassfed organic
I take 16 pills per day (vitamins, supplements, etc.)
Drinking tons of green tea, pomegranate juice, probiotic, some grape juice
Eat lots of berries
Add flax
Add tumeric
Drink red wine but not during chemo (no problem, I hate the taste)
Use olive oil
Add garlic
Exercise 30 min 6 days per week
Limit stress
Go to support groups

CHEMO DETAILS
My hair stopped falling out after getting some bald spots. They were in front so I could not have rocked the "I just have thin hair" look. I still have my eyebrows, arm hair and eyelashes!
My mouth sores have been mostly gone, although I have some today. I think getting extra sleep will help because I've been deprived lately. I had all 4 very harsh chemo treatments, and in 2 weeks (so 3 total weeks of vacation from chemo) I start an easier treatment. I'll get it each week for about 12 weeks. My hair could start growing back anytime between now and the 8th treatment. I often think it's already growing, but I got a good look at it today and realize that isn't the case.

Behavior analysts will appreciate the respondent conditioning that goes on during chemo. For me I noticed that the one time I went to the office and did NOT receive any treatment, my port started hurting while I was sitting in the nurse's room. It hurt for 2 days even though no needle  touched it. I also cannot stand the smell of coffee because it's the first thing I drank after my initial chemo treatment. My responses have not been too bad, but some people fare much worse during this type of chemo. The nurse told me that one woman begins throwing up as soon as she sees the syringe filled with that disgusting stuff.

That's about it, but if there are any questions I didn't answer let me know.