Sometimes

Sometimes it's easy to see how good God is. He is everywhere. The sun is shining like only He can make it do, the birds are chirping the songs He taught them. Your children are behaving like the perfect little angels that only He (or the promise of chocolate) can convince them to be. 

1 Thessalonians 5:16 "Always be joyful."

Other times we are awakened at 4 am by the "puppy" that is bigger than a miniature horse, clawing at us to go outside. Then maybe the day gets worse so our head aches and we feel that we're climbing up a mountain of infinite height the whole time. And when it's finally time to sit and rest we glance at our phone to see bad news. Really bad news.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 "Give thanks no matter what happens. God wants you to thank him because you believe in Christ Jesus."

This is a day with struggles like that. God is good no matter what, but I sure wish I hadn't just read that Kate died. I mentioned her on here before. She was really young (don't remember, mid-twenties probably), and had ovarian cancer. I met her when she was scared, sick, and seeking God. She prayed with us for her healing but not for her salvation. As soon as I left her I knew I should have pushed for her to pray for the Holy Spirit to envelope her life. But I didn't. 

Ecclesiastes 9:12 "Moreover, no one knows when their hour will come: As fish are caught in a cruel net, or birds are taken in a snare, so people are trapped by evil times that fall unexpectedly upon them."

She was in town visiting this winter, and was about to return to Colorado. Since then we emailed a few times and she implied that she was involving Jesus in her life, but I don't know if she ever literally prayed a sinner's prayer and accepted the Lord. That's between Him and her now. I desperately hope that she did, and ask that you would all pray for her family to see Him through this tragedy somehow. Pray that her life and death would have a beautiful impact on the kingdom of heaven and that all who knew her would live for Him. And with Him, forever in heaven.

I'm just devastated that she passed away. She was really frail but was also on a strict diet so I sort of thought that was it. I can't believe someone who was able to fly here and get around just fine a few months ago was sick enough to die so soon after. You would think I'd be used to it by now but I'm just not. This girl did NOT want to die. There wasn't that lack of hope that would make her give up. And her poor husband actually married her after she was already diagnosed. They were newlyweds and never even spent a day of her marriage as a healthy person. She never got to have kids or to really celebrate the great things God gave her. 

Acts 14:7 "...and yet He did not leave Himself without witness, in that He did good and gave you rains from heaven and fruitful seasons, satisfying your hearts with food and gladness."

It's really hard to see His goodness in all of this, but it's there. It's there in the little things, like letting her get diagnosed in time to appreciate the notice and share a lot of love and memories. It's there in the fact that at least as of a few months ago she wasn't in a lot of pain. It's there because He led her to seek Him before she died. So many people do that. I think on some level they realize that the emptiness they feel has a source, and it's not in the pleasures that healthier people enjoy so much. They start realizing that they aren't in control of their own destiny, and maybe eternal life isn't worth hedging your bets about.

John 14:6 "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the father except by me."

It's not enough to be a good person, or to help others. Anyone can do that. But not just anyone can go to heaven. I actually don't live for Jesus because of the promise of heaven, I do it because He has redeemed me and I am overflowing with that gratitude NOW and want to share it TODAY. But when it boils down to it, it doesn't matter what we do on earth, because it's less than a fraction of eternity. There is no end to eternity. No second chances, no do-overs. That's why a true Christian will love these non-believers enough to tell them about the Lord. He is the ONLY way. Honestly, I wish that wasn't so, but I'm not going to lie to you about it.

Ephesians 5:6 "Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience."

There are a lot of reasons not to devote yourself to God. It can be embarrassing. You might have to give up your lavish lifestyle. You have to depend on Him instead of yourself. But...we are not promised tomorrow and you will likely not have a clue when you're about to die. I sure had no clue that I was dying at the time of my diagnosis, and I really thought I had a good handle on intuition. Hell is an eternal wrath, a complete separation from God. It's not worth it. 

Revelation 14:11 "And the smoke of their torment goes up forever and ever, and they have no rest, day or night, these worshipers of the beast and its image, and whoever receives the mark of its name.”

There is no official prayer to accept the Lord but I'm going to paste one from here. You just have to acknowledge the God is supreme and Jesus is the only way to get to Him. Promise to change your ways (then do! He will help!). You could pray this and if you mean it (or really, just try to mean it. If there are parts you fail at or don't understand you just pray for help!). If you do this, it's the first step in a relationship with Him. Most of us don't just "get" what to do next. If that's the case, read the Bible, pray, find a church and repeat. I can help you find resources so feel free to email me here if so.

A Sinner's Prayer:
"Dear God in heaven, I come to you in the name of Jesus. I acknowledge to You that I am a sinner, and I am sorry for my sins and the life that I have lived; I need your forgiveness.

I believe that your only begotten Son Jesus Christ shed His precious blood on the cross at Calvary and died for my sins, and I am now willing to turn from my sin.

You said in Your Holy Word, Romans 10:9 that if we confess the Lord our God and believe in our hearts that God raised Jesus from the dead, we shall be saved.

Right now I confess Jesus as the Lord of my soul. With my heart, I believe that God raised Jesus from the dead. This very moment I accept Jesus Christ as my own personal Savior and according to His Word, right now I am saved.

Thank you Jesus for your unlimited grace which has saved me from my sins. I thank you Jesus that your grace never leads to license, but rather it always leads to repentance. Therefore Lord Jesus transform my life so that I may bring glory and honor to you alone and not to myself.

Thank you Jesus for dying for me and giving me eternal life.
Amen."

Ready for Surgery

The part of Christianity that makes our message urgent involves the afterlife--we will all live forever, but whether it is with God in heaven, or an eternity separated from Him in hell remains to be seen. Jesus will stand there on judgment day and say, "I didn't know you" or He will defend you because He already paid for your sins on the cross.

Some people stop there. They think they have the basics down ("if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.", Romans 10:9) and can live however they want. But they miss out on the part that matters here on earth. Generally, devoted believers aren't spending their time focusing on getting into heaven or fear of hell, they are nurturing their daily relationship with God through the Holy Spirit. The closer I am to God, the more I am aware of my helper, the Spirit of God. He whispers to us, intercedes for us, and guides us. But the more steeped in sin we are, the less we discern His voice. And the more I am aware of Him, the more I obey and do what He wants. My desires transform to match His.

I first learned about the mass on my ovary over a month ago. I tried hard not to think about. The last time I had a cancer scare (when I was waiting for my primary tumor diagnosis), I indulged the fear. It was sinful, but not in an obvious way. Doubts would creep in, and little by little they would chip away at me. Soon I lost all focus on God and other important things, and was consumed by fears, what-ifs, and imagining the worst. There were times it took over my life, and the more it did, the harder it was to crawl out. It seemed like there was no helpful truth to hold onto or believe. 

While awaiting this biopsy I have been much more aware of those doubts and tendencies. Satan is clever but relatively consistent. He always starts with trying to pull me away from others. Just like he approached Eve when she was alone (Gen 3). He knows we are weaker when we're away from other believers, so he makes me try and pull away. When I would tell myself that many people have benign masses, he would remind me that my breast cancer journey was not like anyone else's. No one can relate. He picks at my faith by causing me to doubt whether I really heard from God about not removing my ovaries last year. Just like he asked Eve, "Did God really say..." He does this to get me to doubt whether I can hear God. When He gets me to doubt that, I lose confidence in future decisions that I need to trust God in. He also uses memories I have about other people's problems to make me doubt that God will take care of me. A few of these are, "You were never healed and this will show that", "The naysayers will think they were right", and "You will never be healthy again. You will always be going through some health problems. By  the time you die everyone will just be relieved." Satan is the father of lies and this is his fruit (John 8:44). But he disguises his words as common sense and gives evidence to back them up. If you aren't on guard, you will buy into them.

This time around I have been much more aware of the damage it does to everyone around me when I fall for this nonsense. It keeps me from being the best wife, mother, and friend I can be because I'm distracted by fear. So early on, I started rejecting those fears instead of letting myself consider them. The more I refused to indulge them, the less they came. Now I sit here, just one full day before surgery, with no anxiety at all. I am filled with peace and faith. I know God will take care of me and I completely trust that this is not cancer, and that He has a great plan for this. I am actually excited to get this surgery under my belt and see what amazing things He brings out of it. 

Romans 8:9, "You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. "

1 Peter 5:10, "But may the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

Surgery Scheduled!

Great things have been going on since my last post. I got test results from the bloodwork Dr. Rassam took on Thursday. Both tumor marker tests came back lower than last time (they've stayed in normal ranges for a year now but had increased a bit within that range), and he also checked my thyroid. It came back high, as hypothyroidism. I read that chemo can cause this, and I'm just so glad to have a reason for some of my symptoms that it is a big relief.

I saw Dr. McAlpine yesterday and scheduled the ovary plus fallopian tube removal for April 29. He is going to start laproscopically, and if that works it will be an outpatient procedure with 3-7 day recovery. If he has to switch to normal surgery he's going to take my uterus too. Then it will be a longer recovery and short hospital stay. Dr. Rassam told me in the past that I would never be able to have hormone replacement therapy, but Dr. McAlpine said today that if things go well for the next decade or so I might be able to take some then. He also told me about some anti-depressants that can decrease hot flashes and such from the menopause I'll be going through. 

Dr. McAlpine felt around and said there's no palpable lump on my ovary, which is a good thing. He also said  that is not causing my abdominal pain, but he will poke around there during surgery and fix anything he finds. All in all, I'm happy with the news I've received lately and the treatment plan. I wish surgery was a little sooner but trust God, His timing is perfect. Yaacov had to cancel a business trip so he can be there that day, and I'm really grateful for his unconditional support. 

The Lord has really been there for me during this. I am not anxious and trust that I don't have cancer. I think the Tamoxifen caused the mass and after the surgery get to try a new medication. In the meantime I am praying for and expecting further protection from all the side effects of these drugs and procedures.

Last year I struggled so much with fear that I sometimes had trouble voicing my confidence in the Lord. This time He is very present and I trust Him regardless. This is a great chance to be bold about my God. I am really feeling good, mentally and physically and am praying that I will be a faithful example for my doctors and the other people who will follow my case.

1 Peter 2:15, "For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people."

Cool Things Happening

What a nice day! I'm officially half-way done with my radiation treatments, and that in itself is very exciting. The treatments aren't bad and I enjoy the people there, but going every single day has been taxing. It's in the middle of the day, which also happens to be Naomi's naptime, so it feels like I never get a break. I prayed a lot about it yesterday, because it was making me very unpleasant to be around, and I guess my answer was a much easier, more peaceful day today.

So the first cool events occurred during radiation today. I have to depend on my radiation therapist to use a speaker and tell me when to start the special breathing I previously described. If she happens to forget, I start when I hear the machine kick on but so far that has been too late. I have to redo it, and the extra few minutes of fancy breathing is tough. So today she set me up on the machine and as soon as I got inside God told me to start breathing. If you don't know God, that's one of those times you would later say, "something told me...". I recognized that as His, not my own, voice and started it. It turned out she did forget to tell me so we would have had to redo that one. So that was cool.

It turned out the machine went offline while I was in there anyway, so we did have to redo it. After a delay I went back in and heard that same idea of "Start your breathing". This time I didn't recognize it was God and thought, "she would NEVER forget to tell me twice in a row." So, I didn't do it. A second later, the speaker made this garbly sound and I heard the therapist's voice quietly say, "Okay, start your breathing". I did. When the scan was done she ran in and apologized for not having told me to breathe. Amazed, I told her I had heard her voice through the speaker. There was another worker who was with her and both insist she didn't say a word into the speaker, or about breathing!!!!!!!!! WHAT?!? Who was that? Ahem, it was the great "I AM".

Exodus 3:14, "God said to Moses, 'I AM who I AM'. This is what you are to say to the Israelites, I AM has sent me to you"

Another interesting thing that happened today was that I got a call from Dr. McAlpine's office. Basically, he is still concerned that I'm going to get ovarian cancer, because that's really common with BRCA 1 people (usually after age 40, but I'm always the exception!). Dr. Rassam is not at all concerned that I'll get it so doesn't want to screen me for it. So I'm still seeing Dr. Rassam for breast cancer screening but also McAlpine for ovarian screening. Ovarian screening is really behind the times, so we're doing all that's possible--blood tests and utrasounds, midway between the scans I get from Rassam. Anyway, last week I had that blood test and it happened to include one for the breast cancer too. I was not concerned at all until today when McAlpine's nurse left a message to call her. She sounded devastated and I almost forgot Deut 31:8, "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged." I really didn't think I suddenly had cancer, but did think some of the (notoriously inconsistent) results might have been bad and would result in a little chaos and additional testing or problems. Anyway, I called back and she still sounded like she was about to tell me someone died. But she said both tests were normal, hooray!!!!

Habakkuk 3:2, "Lord, I have heard of your fame; I stand in awe of your deeds, O Lord. Renew them in our day, i our time make them known."