I've been treasuring something in my heart, I guess the way Mary did when Jesus delighted and surprised her--before He proved Himself to the world. It's a doozy to me, but part of that is the timeliness of the revelation amongst the general struggles I've had. So, over the past few years my faith peaked, and has since faltered a bit. The peak lasted between my own healing and Debora's, and I saw all things of God through a different lens--one I never knew existed. You know, faith is the "assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen (Heb 11:1)". When I was healed that took on new meaning, I discovered that God was so much bigger than the things we could see or understand, and that He would and does do more than we can see or understand. But, after the peak came the fall, where I witnessed less and less of His awesomeness and therefore have come to expect less and less of Him.
Some would say this lowered expectation of God is a more appropriate guideline. That it's arrogant or ignorant to expect more of Him in this day and age. It's certainly easier to fit that "God" into my schema and life. People don't need you to explain or convince them to have faith in a God who helps our but isn't a real Helper. That "God" is simple enough for humans without the Holy Spirit to understand. You don't get disappointed by the One who Can answer but choose not to. I don't cry as much this way. Don't feel the need to lie prostrate on the floor before the Almighty God and plead for the needs of the people He created...
The burden might seem lifted when the only real prayer you say in a day is, "Your will be done", right? Because it doesn't bind us with the desires of our hearts. It pawns off the responsibility of intercessory love so we can get back to the hard work He has called us to.
But...that's not real faith. That's trusting in ourselves and hoping in a god as powerful as a turbo boost of good luck.
That's not the God we serve.
We serve the One who created us. Who chose us, delights in us, rescues us, heals us, helps us, guides us, intercedes for us, who became flesh for us, who was cursed and hung on a tree for us, forgave us, and loves us. He loves us too well for us to overlook the hard parts of His calling and our faith. I will choose to be holy as He is holy (1 Peter 1:16), I will declare the works I have known Him to do, and I will not belittle Him by expecting things like that to end.
Jesus did many miracles and healed many in the gospels. Some say He doesn't do that stuff anymore, but I'm living proof that He does. He is glorified when people see His hand at work like that. And He was in the healing business before He became flesh. In Numbers 12, Miriam complained about her brother Miriam. That was particularly offensive to God because it was like grumbling against Him. He punished her with leprosy, which would get her put out of the camp and eventually would be the end of her. Moses did NOT say, "Oh gracious God, your will be done!", or, "Thank you for punishing her, she really hurt my feelings and obviously she deserved it." Nope. This man, who God had just said is "faithful in all my house...and he beholds the form of the Lord" (12:7) saw the leprosy and "cried out to the Lord, 'O God, please heal her--please". We know this is a foreshadowing of how Jesus would pray for the lost from His place on the cross. But it was literal in this case regarding physical healing as well--God answered Moses' prayer.
God didn't look down on Moses for praying that way, Later he is described as the most humble man who ever lived. So it's not prideful to pray like that. Not faithless to ask for miracles. He set a great example and it's our job to follow it.
With that said, please join me in praying in faith for total healing for Lyn, Julie, Karen, and another unnamed friend, all with stage 4 cancer. Lyn has a PET scan tomorrow (Monday), and expects to get the results Wednesday. I noticed that Moses and all the sick people who Jesus and the disciples healed were not expected to explain why they wanted the healing. Perhaps it's because the reasons don't matter That every person is equally valuable to the God who doesn't show favoritism. And because it doesn't matter how righteous we are, we don't deserve His salvation, healing, or anything else. But He blesses us with it anyway, because Jesus bore our sins. In Psalm 116:5, it says the death of every saint is precious to God. He cares about our lives and deaths! I'm not suggesting that life on earth is any better than eternity in heaven. But these ladies all have the desire to stay on earth longer, and I ask that we pray for His supernatural healing, not for the sake of their great doctors, but in spite of the doctors, for the sake of our precious, perfect father. May they be healed fully, in such a way that the One who does it receives the credit. To Him be the glory!
Showing posts with label stage 4 cancer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stage 4 cancer. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2015
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
21 Day Challenge
I want to pass on a great offer that Beth Moore put out recently. I think it ends January 10. She's offering 4 free E-books. If you haven't read her stuff it's really great. You just have to really put your heart into reading it and not just glance at it. I downloaded them onto my regular computer and they opened without any difficulty or other software need. Find them on Amazon or through the links on here: http://hip2save.com/2013/12/31/amazon-4-free-highly-rated-ebooks-by-beth-moore/
Anyway...
I heard a suggestion on the radio recently about a 21-day challenge. There are lots of resolutions and great plans of how to improve ourselves this time of year, but this one has more long term implications than the ones stressing how to improve our bodies or bank accounts. This one is a challenge to spend about 10 minutes per day seeking God, specifically by reading the book of John.
Okay, you all know I make a point of not checking who does and doesn't follow this, just for situations like this. But I still know what some readers will think when they read about this challenge. Some believers will think, "Oh, that's a great idea for someone who doesn't know about the Bible". But to you I still suggest it because there's always something more to glean from the Word. We're studying Matthew in Bible Study Fellowship this year and I'm getting more out of it than ever (the classes are everywhere, get in it, you won't be sorry!!!! www.bsfinternational.org). Every week I'm motivated and inspired, moreso than just focusing on the letters to churches that seem more practical. Another group of readers would say they are Christians but aren't totally devoted. Half of what I say on here sounds foreign or a little crazy. You might think you should do this challenge at some point, so maybe you'll bookmark it for when your schedule opens up. Please just do it now! It will only take a few minutes and really could change your life. Don't let fear of having to give things up by truly seeking Him get in the way of what He has for you! Finally, there are likely plenty of readers who have a different belief set than me. If you're closed off to Christianity, you can do this challenge for the sake of better understanding or debating us, or to resolve those nagging questions we could all face one day, "What if I'm wrong?" and "What if they're right?". Ignorance is no longer an acceptable defense, we all have access to all sorts of religious writings and beliefs and being angry at God or anything else doesn't make Him any less real.
I don't want to ruin God's word by adding external commentaries or explanations to it, so I'm going to just paste it here, with a little formatting for ease of reading. One chapter per day for 21 days. It will take you 10 minutes. Get to a quiet place, turn off your phone, set the kids in front of an educational tv show, pray for your eyes/ears/heart to be open to receiving it, and then read it. Write down your random thoughts, notes, or questions, to refer to later. If it is not real, it doesn't matter if you do it, it wouldn't hurt to pray to or read about a God who doesn't hear or care.
Here it is, John chapter 1:
In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. There was a man sent from God whose name was John. He came as a witness to testify concerning that light, so that through him all might believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the light.
The true light that gives light to everyone was coming into the world. He was in the world, and though the world was made through him, the world did not recognize him. He came to that which was his own, but his own did not receive him. Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God— children born not of natural descent, nor of human decision or a husband’s will, but born of God. The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. (John testified concerning him. He cried out, saying, “This is the one I spoke about when I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’”) Out of his fullness we have all received grace in place of grace already given. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. No one has ever seen God, but the one and only Son, who is himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father, has made him known.
Now this was John’s testimony when the Jewish leaders in Jerusalem sent priests and Levites to ask him who he was. He did not fail to confess, but confessed freely, “I am not the Messiah.” They asked him, “Then who are you? Are you Elijah?” He said, “I am not.” “Are you the Prophet?” He answered, “No.”
Finally they said, “Who are you? Give us an answer to take back to those who sent us. What do you say about yourself?” John replied in the words of Isaiah the prophet, “I am the voice of one calling in the wilderness,‘Make straight the way for the Lord.’” Now the Pharisees who had been sent questioned him, “Why then do you baptize if you are not the Messiah, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?” “I baptize with water,” John replied, “but among you stands one you do not know. He is the one who comes after me, the straps of whose sandals I am not worthy to untie.” This all happened at Bethany on the other side of the Jordan, where John was baptizing.
The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! This is the one I meant when I said, ‘A man who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ I myself did not know him, but the reason I came baptizing with water was that he might be revealed to Israel.” Then John gave this testimony: “I saw the Spirit come down from heaven as a dove and remain on him. And I myself did not know him, but the one who sent me to baptize with water told me, ‘The man on whom you see the Spirit come down and remain is the one who will baptize with the Holy Spirit.’ I have seen and I testify that this is God’s Chosen One.”
The next day John was there again with two of his disciples. When he saw Jesus passing by, he said, “Look, the Lamb of God!” When the two disciples heard him say this, they followed Jesus. Turning around, Jesus saw them following and asked, “What do you want?” They said, “Rabbi” (which means “Teacher”), “where are you staying?” “Come,” he replied, “and you will see.”
So they went and saw where he was staying, and they spent that day with him. It was about four in the afternoon.
Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, was one of the two who heard what John had said and who had followed Jesus.The first thing Andrew did was to find his brother Simon and tell him, “We have found the Messiah” (that is, the Christ). And he brought him to Jesus. Jesus looked at him and said, “You are Simon son of John. You will be called Cephas” (which, when translated, is Peter).
The next day Jesus decided to leave for Galilee. Finding Philip, he said to him, “Follow me.” Philip, like Andrew and Peter, was from the town of Bethsaida. Philip found Nathanael and told him, “We have found the one Moses wrote about in the Law, and about whom the prophets also wrote—Jesus of Nazareth, the son of Joseph.” “Nazareth! Can anything good come from there?” Nathanael asked. “Come and see,” said Philip. When Jesus saw Nathanael approaching, he said of him, “Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit.” “How do you know me?” Nathanael asked.
Jesus answered, “I saw you while you were still under the fig tree before Philip called you.” Then Nathanael declared, “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the king of Israel.” Jesus said, “You believe because I told you I saw you under the fig tree. You will see greater things than that.” He then added, “Very truly I tell you, you will see ‘heaven open, and the angels of God ascending and descending on’ the Son of Man.”
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Wasted Life
I discovered an awesome show called "Extreme Weight Loss". I watch it with tears in my eyes throughout. In the last episode I saw (season 3, episode 3) there were many echoes of statements that all people I know who have been blessed with a miracle make.
The overweight man miraculously survived a horrendous car accident. At the hospital, the doctors were stunned and repeated, "We don't even know why you're here". I know those of us who survive have those thoughts too. But I also know the answer. We are hear to proclaim what the Lord has done (Psalm 118:17). That is my new career and I am thrilled to go to work each day.
Later the man was feeling bad about himself and said, "I feel like I'm totally wasting my second chance". We all know what to do about that at this point. Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
His personal trainer reported, "He lost his arm but he still has that spark of hope". We have that spark of hope too. Romans 15:13, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Finally, the trainer in the show told him, "I choose you, Buddy". The trainer was talking about selecting the man to be a client for the show. But it is exactly what God says to us. It isn't because we are worthy. In fact, all are invited to walk with God, but few really go through with it (Mth 22:14). Ephesians 1:4, "Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes." It is so sweet to be chosen for this life, and I know I forget that sometimes. But if the angels can rejoice about it, so can we. And I hope you all do just that.
"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of God's angels when just one sinner repents." Luke 15:10
The overweight man miraculously survived a horrendous car accident. At the hospital, the doctors were stunned and repeated, "We don't even know why you're here". I know those of us who survive have those thoughts too. But I also know the answer. We are hear to proclaim what the Lord has done (Psalm 118:17). That is my new career and I am thrilled to go to work each day.
Later the man was feeling bad about himself and said, "I feel like I'm totally wasting my second chance". We all know what to do about that at this point. Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."
His personal trainer reported, "He lost his arm but he still has that spark of hope". We have that spark of hope too. Romans 15:13, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."
Finally, the trainer in the show told him, "I choose you, Buddy". The trainer was talking about selecting the man to be a client for the show. But it is exactly what God says to us. It isn't because we are worthy. In fact, all are invited to walk with God, but few really go through with it (Mth 22:14). Ephesians 1:4, "Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes." It is so sweet to be chosen for this life, and I know I forget that sometimes. But if the angels can rejoice about it, so can we. And I hope you all do just that.
"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of God's angels when just one sinner repents." Luke 15:10
Monday, June 3, 2013
Tests
Got the PET scan results today...no cancer! It's been at least a year since I had any evidence at all of cancer. I knew I was healed of the life-taking disease last Groundhog day (who knew that was a real holiday?!), but there was still a bit of minor cancer in my original tumor. The scan I had around last Memorial day though showed no cancer cells at all. And it's still gone a year later. He did it, He kicked Satan and his disease out of my body and replaced it with healthy, viable cells (Deuteronomy 7:15).
Remember when Dr. Litton, the special expert I saw at MD Anderson, told me I would never be cancer-free for even a day? Me too. That was a lie from the destroyer, meant to blast any hope we had left into tiny shards that would poke at anyone whose path we crossed. But God Almighty turns all things the enemy intends for evil into good. That bad news is now part of my testimony, which I will continue to share at every opportunity. The testimony that cries, "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" (Revelation 5:13)
Around this time last year I got to share my story when the Ride for Hope gave me their "Hero for Hope" award. It was an honor to share what God did amongst a secular group, and it was really cool to get that award. It is a great group of amazing people and raises funds for the TMH cancer center. That event will be held this weekend and they need volunteers. If you live in Tallahassee and have time, please volunteer! Or if you are a bike rider jump into the race! You can get more info at http://therideforhope.com/
If you are reading this, even if I don't know you personally, thank-you for supporting my family and me through thoughts, prayers and shares. I had a deadly disease that by all accounts could not be cured with medicine. Now it's gone. God did that. Because so many of us asked and believed He would do it. He did it for His glory, so that all would recognize His awesomeness. If you don't see it now, you have your reasons. It doesn't matter what those are, they all boil down to you being closed off to the Holy Spirit. All of us have those moments; for some they last seconds, for others a lifetime. The truth is that we all have a chance to open our hearts and accept Jesus' sacrifice for us. Doing that will take us down a path to spending an eternity with the Lord. But most of us won't go that way. In many ways it's easier not to believe and follow God. But if we don't we will suffer because of that choice forevermore. I pray that this experience God has involved me with will be the catalyst many need to decide to take the narrow path toward the Lord.
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Remember when Dr. Litton, the special expert I saw at MD Anderson, told me I would never be cancer-free for even a day? Me too. That was a lie from the destroyer, meant to blast any hope we had left into tiny shards that would poke at anyone whose path we crossed. But God Almighty turns all things the enemy intends for evil into good. That bad news is now part of my testimony, which I will continue to share at every opportunity. The testimony that cries, "To him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever!" (Revelation 5:13)
Around this time last year I got to share my story when the Ride for Hope gave me their "Hero for Hope" award. It was an honor to share what God did amongst a secular group, and it was really cool to get that award. It is a great group of amazing people and raises funds for the TMH cancer center. That event will be held this weekend and they need volunteers. If you live in Tallahassee and have time, please volunteer! Or if you are a bike rider jump into the race! You can get more info at http://therideforhope.com/
If you are reading this, even if I don't know you personally, thank-you for supporting my family and me through thoughts, prayers and shares. I had a deadly disease that by all accounts could not be cured with medicine. Now it's gone. God did that. Because so many of us asked and believed He would do it. He did it for His glory, so that all would recognize His awesomeness. If you don't see it now, you have your reasons. It doesn't matter what those are, they all boil down to you being closed off to the Holy Spirit. All of us have those moments; for some they last seconds, for others a lifetime. The truth is that we all have a chance to open our hearts and accept Jesus' sacrifice for us. Doing that will take us down a path to spending an eternity with the Lord. But most of us won't go that way. In many ways it's easier not to believe and follow God. But if we don't we will suffer because of that choice forevermore. I pray that this experience God has involved me with will be the catalyst many need to decide to take the narrow path toward the Lord.
“Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
Monday, July 2, 2012
Radiation et al.
Alright, here's the whole schbeel on radiation. I'll go blow by blow so people have an idea what to expect for this type of treatment:
I go every business day, I think 33 times total, for 6.5 weeks. It takes exactly 20 minutes, but there can be time spent waiting around. It's at the same time every single day, 11:40 am. That wasn't my choice but is working out nicely, because it's during Naomi's naptime so I don't miss anything.
So, I had two set-up appointments, one week apart. At the first one I laid on this pillow with my arms holding handles over my head. It was then vacuum sealed to pull all the air out of it. The result was a plastic form molded perfectly to my back and head. I lay on that hard plastic mold every time now, and it keeps my body in the exact same position it was in when the initial measurements were taken. They used all kinds of lasers and scans to figure out exactly where to radiate, and marked my body all over with a rainbow of Sharpie markers. At the end of that, three important marks were covered with clear stickers that cannot be washed, bathed, or swam in order to protect the marks. Tomorrow I will be getting tattoos in those spots so the stickers can come off and they'll always know where to line up the beams.
After the first measurements, a physics team figured out the exact angles and details that are being used to radiate the area that previously had the most cancer. In many cases, the radiation is used to kill the cancer, but in mine it helps keep it from coming back. The area of the original tumor spot is where it is most likely to return. The downsides are that once it has been radiated one can't get it again if cancer does show up there, and of course there are side effects of putting all this radiation into your body. These are not concerns of mine because I trust in the Lord. If He wanted me to go through this, He will take care of the rest!
The scans showed that my heart sits in the exact spot they need to radiate. So, they have me do a ridiculous breathing technique to move my heart out of the way and get a clear shot. Dr. Bolek (my radiologist-oncologist), and all three of his staff who have looked at it, have all remarked how amazing the difference is when I'm breathing the special way and normally. They say that with the breathing my heart just scoots over, entirely out of the way. They say not everyone can do this breathing technique, but because I have low anxiety and am willing, I do it. Maybe that's one more reason the Lord has been showing me not to fear--because the one time I sort of messed up and got stressed out, it compounded the problem and was a bit disastrous.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
This breathing technique can be hard to imagine, so if you're bored, do it with me! I lay on my back, on that hard mold I described. My arms hold handles over my head, parallel to the floor. The mold was created with my head looking forward, but I have to turn it to the right during treatments and scans. That means fitting the whole side of my face into a hole made for the tiny back of my head. There's even a pointy part that pokes me.That part is painful. Once my upper body gets moved into the machine, the radiation therapist tells me when to inhale. I breathe in as deeply as I can, but only exhale a smidge. I can't release my lungs the whole time (I think the first is a scan for 3 minutes, the second is a treatment for 5 minutes).Instead, I just inhale and exhale at the upper part of my lung capacity, short little breaths. It's hard because I have to stay really calm. In that position I can feel my heart pound heavily, like it would if I was terrified. Somehow, that hints to my brain that I AM terrified, and if I don't stay calm my already-short breaths speed up like I'm panting. In case you didn't know, altogether that spells a freak out session. It brings back memories of asthma attacks. The worst time was during the second scan ever, and my legs took over, wriggling to get the rest of my body out of the machine. All the other times I've been better though.
I have heard that radiation is very lonely, because the worker is in another room, and you go into this machine that reeks of sadness and pain. How many people have cried inside that thing? How many have died from the same cancer that brought them there? Who prayed aloud for relief in there but heard only the echo of her human voice in response?
"Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Ps 27:14
I am not lonely in there. Maybe I'm too busy breathing, or maybe I'm too focused on living. I got my miracle! That doesn't make it any easier for other people, of course, but my view differs now. There's been a lot of heartache for people I know lately, and even though I have more compassion than before, it doesn't bring me down like I would think. I have the utmost faith and assurance that God is in control. There will ALWAYS be a happy ending, even if it is too far off for us to see and feel. At the beginning of this journey that idea bothered me so much, because I wanted to dictate my own happy ending. But with so much more trust in the Almighty I see the big picture more clearly. And for those times I can't see the literal picture, my confidence in Him assures me that it's still there; It's just not my job to see it. It's His!
"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength'." Neh 8:10
It's easy to see how people let us down, and when you're in the midst of trouble you get sucked in to allow Satan to convince you they can't improve. But beyond the fact that you can always believe in miracles, you can also remember that God is bigger than humans. It doesn't matter how awesome a man of God might seem to be; he's still just a MAN of God.
"This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD." Jer 21:5
We aren't doing Him any favors by doing His work. It is out privilege and an honor to do it. And if we don't, God will take care of it. When all else fails and every man falls short (as we do), God can use billions of other options to get His work done. Remember King Belshazzar in Daniel 5? God sent him a message through a human hand--with no body attached to it! "Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lampstand in the royal palace. The king watched the kand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his knees knocked together and his legs gave way."
I go every business day, I think 33 times total, for 6.5 weeks. It takes exactly 20 minutes, but there can be time spent waiting around. It's at the same time every single day, 11:40 am. That wasn't my choice but is working out nicely, because it's during Naomi's naptime so I don't miss anything.
So, I had two set-up appointments, one week apart. At the first one I laid on this pillow with my arms holding handles over my head. It was then vacuum sealed to pull all the air out of it. The result was a plastic form molded perfectly to my back and head. I lay on that hard plastic mold every time now, and it keeps my body in the exact same position it was in when the initial measurements were taken. They used all kinds of lasers and scans to figure out exactly where to radiate, and marked my body all over with a rainbow of Sharpie markers. At the end of that, three important marks were covered with clear stickers that cannot be washed, bathed, or swam in order to protect the marks. Tomorrow I will be getting tattoos in those spots so the stickers can come off and they'll always know where to line up the beams.
After the first measurements, a physics team figured out the exact angles and details that are being used to radiate the area that previously had the most cancer. In many cases, the radiation is used to kill the cancer, but in mine it helps keep it from coming back. The area of the original tumor spot is where it is most likely to return. The downsides are that once it has been radiated one can't get it again if cancer does show up there, and of course there are side effects of putting all this radiation into your body. These are not concerns of mine because I trust in the Lord. If He wanted me to go through this, He will take care of the rest!
The scans showed that my heart sits in the exact spot they need to radiate. So, they have me do a ridiculous breathing technique to move my heart out of the way and get a clear shot. Dr. Bolek (my radiologist-oncologist), and all three of his staff who have looked at it, have all remarked how amazing the difference is when I'm breathing the special way and normally. They say that with the breathing my heart just scoots over, entirely out of the way. They say not everyone can do this breathing technique, but because I have low anxiety and am willing, I do it. Maybe that's one more reason the Lord has been showing me not to fear--because the one time I sort of messed up and got stressed out, it compounded the problem and was a bit disastrous.
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
This breathing technique can be hard to imagine, so if you're bored, do it with me! I lay on my back, on that hard mold I described. My arms hold handles over my head, parallel to the floor. The mold was created with my head looking forward, but I have to turn it to the right during treatments and scans. That means fitting the whole side of my face into a hole made for the tiny back of my head. There's even a pointy part that pokes me.That part is painful. Once my upper body gets moved into the machine, the radiation therapist tells me when to inhale. I breathe in as deeply as I can, but only exhale a smidge. I can't release my lungs the whole time (I think the first is a scan for 3 minutes, the second is a treatment for 5 minutes).Instead, I just inhale and exhale at the upper part of my lung capacity, short little breaths. It's hard because I have to stay really calm. In that position I can feel my heart pound heavily, like it would if I was terrified. Somehow, that hints to my brain that I AM terrified, and if I don't stay calm my already-short breaths speed up like I'm panting. In case you didn't know, altogether that spells a freak out session. It brings back memories of asthma attacks. The worst time was during the second scan ever, and my legs took over, wriggling to get the rest of my body out of the machine. All the other times I've been better though.
I have heard that radiation is very lonely, because the worker is in another room, and you go into this machine that reeks of sadness and pain. How many people have cried inside that thing? How many have died from the same cancer that brought them there? Who prayed aloud for relief in there but heard only the echo of her human voice in response?
"Wait for the LORD; Be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD." Ps 27:14
I am not lonely in there. Maybe I'm too busy breathing, or maybe I'm too focused on living. I got my miracle! That doesn't make it any easier for other people, of course, but my view differs now. There's been a lot of heartache for people I know lately, and even though I have more compassion than before, it doesn't bring me down like I would think. I have the utmost faith and assurance that God is in control. There will ALWAYS be a happy ending, even if it is too far off for us to see and feel. At the beginning of this journey that idea bothered me so much, because I wanted to dictate my own happy ending. But with so much more trust in the Almighty I see the big picture more clearly. And for those times I can't see the literal picture, my confidence in Him assures me that it's still there; It's just not my job to see it. It's His!
"Nehemiah said, 'Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength'." Neh 8:10
It's easy to see how people let us down, and when you're in the midst of trouble you get sucked in to allow Satan to convince you they can't improve. But beyond the fact that you can always believe in miracles, you can also remember that God is bigger than humans. It doesn't matter how awesome a man of God might seem to be; he's still just a MAN of God.
"This is what the LORD says: "Cursed is the one who trusts in man, who depends on flesh for his strength and whose heart turns away from the LORD." Jer 21:5
We aren't doing Him any favors by doing His work. It is out privilege and an honor to do it. And if we don't, God will take care of it. When all else fails and every man falls short (as we do), God can use billions of other options to get His work done. Remember King Belshazzar in Daniel 5? God sent him a message through a human hand--with no body attached to it! "Suddenly the fingers of a human hand appeared and wrote on the plaster of the wall, near the lampstand in the royal palace. The king watched the kand as it wrote. His face turned pale and he was so frightened that his knees knocked together and his legs gave way."
"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." Isaiah 40:28-31
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Diet and Random Answers
I already posted today with content stuff, but a lot of people have been asking about random details of what I'm going through. So this should answer it. Please don't worry about bombarding me with questions either, I'm happy to share any details.
My Diet:
I'm followig the anti-cancer diet to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me as it's very time-consuming and I already don't have much time. Yaacov is also following it, and the girls are getting closer. When I mentioned this diet before I forgot to say that the limited science behind it also is primarily just to help stop or slow the spread of cancer. It is to be used along with medication and not in the place of it. Please don't follow this diet without evaluating it yourself. It was written 5 years ago and things change quickly.
The basics are--
No or very limited sugar and white flour (that includes no honey, cane or corn syrup, etc.)
Primarily eat veggies/fruit (organic best)
Whole grains good, multi-grains better, sourdough is okay but not helpful
Fish is good, I just don't like it
Animals and animal fats are limited and grassfed organic
I take 16 pills per day (vitamins, supplements, etc.)
Drinking tons of green tea, pomegranate juice, probiotic, some grape juice
Eat lots of berries
Add flax
Add tumeric
Drink red wine but not during chemo (no problem, I hate the taste)
Use olive oil
Add garlic
Exercise 30 min 6 days per week
Limit stress
Go to support groups
CHEMO DETAILS
My hair stopped falling out after getting some bald spots. They were in front so I could not have rocked the "I just have thin hair" look. I still have my eyebrows, arm hair and eyelashes!
My mouth sores have been mostly gone, although I have some today. I think getting extra sleep will help because I've been deprived lately. I had all 4 very harsh chemo treatments, and in 2 weeks (so 3 total weeks of vacation from chemo) I start an easier treatment. I'll get it each week for about 12 weeks. My hair could start growing back anytime between now and the 8th treatment. I often think it's already growing, but I got a good look at it today and realize that isn't the case.
Behavior analysts will appreciate the respondent conditioning that goes on during chemo. For me I noticed that the one time I went to the office and did NOT receive any treatment, my port started hurting while I was sitting in the nurse's room. It hurt for 2 days even though no needle touched it. I also cannot stand the smell of coffee because it's the first thing I drank after my initial chemo treatment. My responses have not been too bad, but some people fare much worse during this type of chemo. The nurse told me that one woman begins throwing up as soon as she sees the syringe filled with that disgusting stuff.
That's about it, but if there are any questions I didn't answer let me know.
My Diet:
I'm followig the anti-cancer diet to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me as it's very time-consuming and I already don't have much time. Yaacov is also following it, and the girls are getting closer. When I mentioned this diet before I forgot to say that the limited science behind it also is primarily just to help stop or slow the spread of cancer. It is to be used along with medication and not in the place of it. Please don't follow this diet without evaluating it yourself. It was written 5 years ago and things change quickly.
The basics are--
No or very limited sugar and white flour (that includes no honey, cane or corn syrup, etc.)
Primarily eat veggies/fruit (organic best)
Whole grains good, multi-grains better, sourdough is okay but not helpful
Fish is good, I just don't like it
Animals and animal fats are limited and grassfed organic
I take 16 pills per day (vitamins, supplements, etc.)
Drinking tons of green tea, pomegranate juice, probiotic, some grape juice
Eat lots of berries
Add flax
Add tumeric
Drink red wine but not during chemo (no problem, I hate the taste)
Use olive oil
Add garlic
Exercise 30 min 6 days per week
Limit stress
Go to support groups
CHEMO DETAILS
My hair stopped falling out after getting some bald spots. They were in front so I could not have rocked the "I just have thin hair" look. I still have my eyebrows, arm hair and eyelashes!
My mouth sores have been mostly gone, although I have some today. I think getting extra sleep will help because I've been deprived lately. I had all 4 very harsh chemo treatments, and in 2 weeks (so 3 total weeks of vacation from chemo) I start an easier treatment. I'll get it each week for about 12 weeks. My hair could start growing back anytime between now and the 8th treatment. I often think it's already growing, but I got a good look at it today and realize that isn't the case.
Behavior analysts will appreciate the respondent conditioning that goes on during chemo. For me I noticed that the one time I went to the office and did NOT receive any treatment, my port started hurting while I was sitting in the nurse's room. It hurt for 2 days even though no needle touched it. I also cannot stand the smell of coffee because it's the first thing I drank after my initial chemo treatment. My responses have not been too bad, but some people fare much worse during this type of chemo. The nurse told me that one woman begins throwing up as soon as she sees the syringe filled with that disgusting stuff.
That's about it, but if there are any questions I didn't answer let me know.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tomorrow!
I was in a Bible study this morning and the speaker mentioned 2 Thessalonians 3-4, "We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring." She posed the questions, "How has your faith grown lately? What evidence is there that your faith has changed?" My iniitial thought was that my faith has grown a ton and the evidence is all the people who've been moved by this situation.
Then God reminded me that none of that is true. I am depending on Him because I HAVE to. I don't have the luxury of choosing to trust Him or the doctors, because the doctors are telling me they have nothing worth trusting. I mean, I want to trust Him anyway, but I can't say I definitely would if the situation was different. And the truth of all this ticks me off. Even though I'm physically doing well, I still feel like I'm going through hell. I'm furious at myself that I still can't get it together. Still haven't learned what I need to. Still am not the Christian I should be. Not the woman I should be. Not the mother I should be. Or the wife. The chef. Even the housekeeper.
If this journey doesn't get me where I need, what will it take? I will keep trying no matter what. 2 Thess 3:13, "And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good."
On another note, I'm really excited for tomorrow's PET scan. No matter the results, it's in God's hands and I trust Him fully. But I still can't wait to see what happens. Thankfully His awesomeness does NOT depend on my awesomeness, and it never will.
Then God reminded me that none of that is true. I am depending on Him because I HAVE to. I don't have the luxury of choosing to trust Him or the doctors, because the doctors are telling me they have nothing worth trusting. I mean, I want to trust Him anyway, but I can't say I definitely would if the situation was different. And the truth of all this ticks me off. Even though I'm physically doing well, I still feel like I'm going through hell. I'm furious at myself that I still can't get it together. Still haven't learned what I need to. Still am not the Christian I should be. Not the woman I should be. Not the mother I should be. Or the wife. The chef. Even the housekeeper.
If this journey doesn't get me where I need, what will it take? I will keep trying no matter what. 2 Thess 3:13, "And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good."
On another note, I'm really excited for tomorrow's PET scan. No matter the results, it's in God's hands and I trust Him fully. But I still can't wait to see what happens. Thankfully His awesomeness does NOT depend on my awesomeness, and it never will.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
BEST DAY SO FAR
Chemo treatment #4. The best I expected was to go in quickly, hear my lump is very small and get a quick dose of the "red devil juice" (they call it that, I don't). I was already excited because after this I have just 12 weeks of a gentler drug.
God had better plans for me today. I asked Dr. Rassam about his recommendation for my surgery and out of nowhere he mentioned that it might turn out that I actually have stage 3 instead of stage 4 cancer! That is literally the difference between a death sentence and a curable illness! We scheduled a PET scan for Thursday (1/26), and I will get the results within a week after that. I'm so excited, so excited, so excited.
I know some of you will think it's a bad idea for me to be excited about this, because I should actually expect the worst. However, I don't think that's biblical. How can I have all this hope and joy but stifle it in case I get disappointed? First of all, I would be doing that just to protect myself. I don't need protecting, that's God's job! Ps 127:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm--He will watch over your life." I also don't want to think it will be bad because that's a lack of faith. I believe God will heal me. I don't know that this is the start of it, but it very well could be. There are many cases in which this happens. Instead of sudden healing, it's gradual, with restaging to lower and lower stages until it's gone,. Then the doctors say it was due to misdiagnoses. In my case, three oncologists reviewed the case and told me unequivically, "there is a 0% chance you will be cured of cancer". We'll know the truth--that God healed me.
Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, but I'm hoping and praying that it will. This is THE time I need everyone we can to pray. I know it's selfish but I also know a ton of people have offered and are praying already, so this is really specific. At this point, it's the most important, time-sensitive prayer I've ever had. This could be the beginning of my healing! Please, please pray and ask those people you have praying for us that: the results of the next PET scan will accurately demonstrate that there is no cancer beyond my breasts. My lungs, spine, and all other bones and organs are entirely cancer free. I'm so very hopeful that God will choose now to answer this prayer. Please remember that this is the time to BELIEVE God will answer. James 1:6 "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That belief is called faith, and James 5:15 says, " And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."
Many thanks for the prayers and support, I love you all!
God had better plans for me today. I asked Dr. Rassam about his recommendation for my surgery and out of nowhere he mentioned that it might turn out that I actually have stage 3 instead of stage 4 cancer! That is literally the difference between a death sentence and a curable illness! We scheduled a PET scan for Thursday (1/26), and I will get the results within a week after that. I'm so excited, so excited, so excited.
I know some of you will think it's a bad idea for me to be excited about this, because I should actually expect the worst. However, I don't think that's biblical. How can I have all this hope and joy but stifle it in case I get disappointed? First of all, I would be doing that just to protect myself. I don't need protecting, that's God's job! Ps 127:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm--He will watch over your life." I also don't want to think it will be bad because that's a lack of faith. I believe God will heal me. I don't know that this is the start of it, but it very well could be. There are many cases in which this happens. Instead of sudden healing, it's gradual, with restaging to lower and lower stages until it's gone,. Then the doctors say it was due to misdiagnoses. In my case, three oncologists reviewed the case and told me unequivically, "there is a 0% chance you will be cured of cancer". We'll know the truth--that God healed me.
Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, but I'm hoping and praying that it will. This is THE time I need everyone we can to pray. I know it's selfish but I also know a ton of people have offered and are praying already, so this is really specific. At this point, it's the most important, time-sensitive prayer I've ever had. This could be the beginning of my healing! Please, please pray and ask those people you have praying for us that: the results of the next PET scan will accurately demonstrate that there is no cancer beyond my breasts. My lungs, spine, and all other bones and organs are entirely cancer free. I'm so very hopeful that God will choose now to answer this prayer. Please remember that this is the time to BELIEVE God will answer. James 1:6 "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That belief is called faith, and James 5:15 says, " And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."
Many thanks for the prayers and support, I love you all!
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Dayenu--Treatment 3
Our family celebrates Passover the way Jesus did, and there are always eye openers about how certain components of it were fulfilled by Him. Parts of it get boring and feel ritualistic because I'm a sinner with a short attention span. However, throughout this cancer process (I really need a good word for it!) I have often prayed "Dayenu" and thought of that part of the passover.
Dayenu means "we would have been satisfied", and the head of the household reads a list of awesome things God did for the jewish people and the people in turn cheer, "Dayenu!" to indicate that what He did was more than enough for us. Of course, we are all sinners so those are just words. We know from experience that no matter what we say, we forget the awesome things God does frequently. For example, "No sooner had Gideon died than the Israelites again prostituted themselves to the Baals. They set up Baal-Berith as their god and did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hands of all their enemies on every side." (Judges 8:33-35)
It's a little late to type the list of 14 examples of what He did from our Haggadah, and there's no magic number to it anyway. But an example is, "If He had merely rescued us from Egypt, but had not punished the Egyptians, DAYENU". I am so touched by the Lord's mercy and love I'm going to make my own list.I added a few extras because God is that good.
"If He had merely saved my soul but left me without a partner, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Yaacov but left me without children, DAYENU"
"If He had blessed me with Abigail for even a day, but hadn't given me 4 years with her, DAYENU"
"If He had given me Naomi but gave me less than 9 months with her, DAYENU"
"If He had put friends and family in my life but not allowed us to grow together from an advanced cancer diagnosis, DAYENU"
"If He had moved my Dr. Perry to order an ultrasound for my lump, but it was left with a false negative and thus shorter life, DAYENU"
"If He had Dr. Perry refer me for a surgical consultation, but didn't have Neenad tell me it should be with Dr. Crooms, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Dr. Crooms but didn't get him to secure a proper diagnosis so quickly, DAYENU"
"If He had merely allowed satan to threaten my life but chose not to give me the warnings, DAYENU"
"If He had given me the warnings via proper diagnoses, but didn't get me to Dr. Rassam, DAYENU"
"If He had convinced us to go to the hospital in Texas but did not secure insurance approval, DAYENU"
"If He had secured insurance approval but not a fundraiser to help with other expenses, DAYENU"
"If He had moved people to raise funds for us but it was no incredibly successful, DAYENU""If He had helped me cover my head but not to overcome the shame from losing my hair, DAYENU"
"If He had allowed me to go through chemo but hadn't made my tumor shrink 2 cm, DAYENU"
"If He had just comforted me through three rounds of the worst type of chemo but didn't make me feel better than ever, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SATISFIED!"
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Psalm 150:1
Dayenu means "we would have been satisfied", and the head of the household reads a list of awesome things God did for the jewish people and the people in turn cheer, "Dayenu!" to indicate that what He did was more than enough for us. Of course, we are all sinners so those are just words. We know from experience that no matter what we say, we forget the awesome things God does frequently. For example, "No sooner had Gideon died than the Israelites again prostituted themselves to the Baals. They set up Baal-Berith as their god and did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hands of all their enemies on every side." (Judges 8:33-35)
It's a little late to type the list of 14 examples of what He did from our Haggadah, and there's no magic number to it anyway. But an example is, "If He had merely rescued us from Egypt, but had not punished the Egyptians, DAYENU". I am so touched by the Lord's mercy and love I'm going to make my own list.I added a few extras because God is that good.
"If He had merely saved my soul but left me without a partner, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Yaacov but left me without children, DAYENU"
"If He had blessed me with Abigail for even a day, but hadn't given me 4 years with her, DAYENU"
"If He had given me Naomi but gave me less than 9 months with her, DAYENU"
"If He had put friends and family in my life but not allowed us to grow together from an advanced cancer diagnosis, DAYENU"
"If He had moved my Dr. Perry to order an ultrasound for my lump, but it was left with a false negative and thus shorter life, DAYENU"
"If He had Dr. Perry refer me for a surgical consultation, but didn't have Neenad tell me it should be with Dr. Crooms, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Dr. Crooms but didn't get him to secure a proper diagnosis so quickly, DAYENU"
"If He had merely allowed satan to threaten my life but chose not to give me the warnings, DAYENU"
"If He had given me the warnings via proper diagnoses, but didn't get me to Dr. Rassam, DAYENU"
"If He had convinced us to go to the hospital in Texas but did not secure insurance approval, DAYENU"
"If He had secured insurance approval but not a fundraiser to help with other expenses, DAYENU"
"If He had moved people to raise funds for us but it was no incredibly successful, DAYENU""If He had helped me cover my head but not to overcome the shame from losing my hair, DAYENU"
"If He had allowed me to go through chemo but hadn't made my tumor shrink 2 cm, DAYENU"
"If He had just comforted me through three rounds of the worst type of chemo but didn't make me feel better than ever, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SATISFIED!"
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Psalm 150:1
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
God the Father
Matthew 7:11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!
Last night Naomi was sleeping in my arms while I was sad. I couldn't wipe the tears from my eyes for fear of waking her, so I let them fall off my face and felt them land at the same time as hairs that were falling out of my head. Just as I inhaled to really lose it, God enveloped me with His love instead. I had been in the middle of praying for Naomi--that she wouldn't go through this pain with or because of me--and felt His answer so clearly. Instead of assurance that she won't suffer from this, I received what He knew I needed--a reminder that He is looking down at me the same way I look at her. I felt strongly that it pains Him as much to see me hurting as it does for me to think of my girls hurting. More, probably.
I know that God is love, and that He created me in His image. But somehow it's really hard to see and accept this fatherly-style of love. I don't know if everyone struggles with this, or why it's an issue with me, but it is. I hope I can retain this one in my long term memory for once. This cancer issue is part of His plan, but that doesn't mean He has turned off the sensitivity meter and left me to free fall. Pain and trials are difficult to go through for us and for Him as our Father. I am so grateful to have my loving sovereign father (as well as an awesome earthly one!)!
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 :Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Last night Naomi was sleeping in my arms while I was sad. I couldn't wipe the tears from my eyes for fear of waking her, so I let them fall off my face and felt them land at the same time as hairs that were falling out of my head. Just as I inhaled to really lose it, God enveloped me with His love instead. I had been in the middle of praying for Naomi--that she wouldn't go through this pain with or because of me--and felt His answer so clearly. Instead of assurance that she won't suffer from this, I received what He knew I needed--a reminder that He is looking down at me the same way I look at her. I felt strongly that it pains Him as much to see me hurting as it does for me to think of my girls hurting. More, probably.
I know that God is love, and that He created me in His image. But somehow it's really hard to see and accept this fatherly-style of love. I don't know if everyone struggles with this, or why it's an issue with me, but it is. I hope I can retain this one in my long term memory for once. This cancer issue is part of His plan, but that doesn't mean He has turned off the sensitivity meter and left me to free fall. Pain and trials are difficult to go through for us and for Him as our Father. I am so grateful to have my loving sovereign father (as well as an awesome earthly one!)!
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 :Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Immanuel- God with Us
Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Esther
We're baaaack! We had an amazing vacation. It was much more relaxing than any we had in the past, because we focused on bonding and hanging out instead of doing a lot. My relationship with Naomi had been a little off since weaning her, and we completely got it back this weekend. I am happy to report that when my mom held her earlier today, Naomi looked over at me and cried. Because she wanted her mommy. Needed her mommy. And I need her. We must get through this.
My mom came to town from Michigan a week early because I have my next chemo treatment on Tuesday and need help with the girls. The last treatment really wasn't bad but I'm preparing for a tough week anyway. Abigail loves when Grandma comes to town so I should be able to rest without feeling too guilty.
Anyway, I think I've moved past the denial stage of this ordeal and have accepted that I really have advanced breast cancer. I sort of miss the denial stage. It was more of a roller coaster but the ups were really fun. I'm in a bit of a depression now, even though I am not going to accept the death sentence that comes along with my diagnosis.
God does not like for us to be lukewarm about Him (Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth). But, that's where I am right now. I don't want to be, but it's hard to find motivation to burst at the seams with joy, or even to seethe with anger. I'm just "blah".
I'm not going to make any more excuses, I'm going to remember amazing things He has done for me, and for all of us. The biggest thing He did lately was to have us get insurance approval for MD Anderson. I can't express to you how clearly I know it was Him who set up the whole thing. In the past, we would have done tons of research to identify the best center, then worked on getting in, etc. But God set this up 100%. Just shoved the program and all the details at us until we couldn't help but want to go there. If you're not a believer you would have a hard time getting past the 100 "coincidences" that lined up for it. Anyway, I wasn't that worried about the approval (yet), because so little time had passed. When I got the call that we were approved, my whole body started shaking and I could barely speak or breathe. Yaacov and I started screaming and we had a family dance. Abi immediately asked if it meant I wasn't sick anymore, and I definitely believed the answer was that I won't be soon. All of this is to say that when I got that call I felt the same joy I would have expected to feel weeks ago when I was falsely told I didn't have cancer. But both of the times I was misdiagnosed I felt numb instead of relief. I believe God did that to protect me from false hope, whereas this time He allowed it, even gave it as a gift of real hope.
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I want to look beyond myself so I don't get wrapped up and stuck in my own depression. I've been thinking a lot about Esther lately, and maybe one day I'll blog about why. But in the meantime, she set a great example for me. God used her for great things, just like He will for me either during this season, or once I'm refined and strong from living through it. In Esther 4:16 she said, "When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." She was braver than I could ever be--she had a choice and risked her life for what she believed in. It wasn't thrust upon her like my diagnosis. She knowingly and prayerfully broke the law to approach the king, even though she legally should have been put to death for that. She did it anyway, and it happened to work out for her.
Before this cancer mess I never bothered to wonder if I would have made the same choice as Esther. I would have told you I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I would have been wrong. At the very least it would have been an enormous decision. I only think it's easy now because I know the ending--she lives! But if you really didn't know you would live, would you risk losing your life to save your people? Your distant relatives? Close family? Who, or what is worth dying for? I have a pretty short list, which I guess is why God didn't leave it up to me.
My mom came to town from Michigan a week early because I have my next chemo treatment on Tuesday and need help with the girls. The last treatment really wasn't bad but I'm preparing for a tough week anyway. Abigail loves when Grandma comes to town so I should be able to rest without feeling too guilty.
Anyway, I think I've moved past the denial stage of this ordeal and have accepted that I really have advanced breast cancer. I sort of miss the denial stage. It was more of a roller coaster but the ups were really fun. I'm in a bit of a depression now, even though I am not going to accept the death sentence that comes along with my diagnosis.
God does not like for us to be lukewarm about Him (Revelation 3:15-16, “I know your works: you are neither cold nor hot. Would that you were either cold or hot! So, because you are lukewarm, and neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth). But, that's where I am right now. I don't want to be, but it's hard to find motivation to burst at the seams with joy, or even to seethe with anger. I'm just "blah".
I'm not going to make any more excuses, I'm going to remember amazing things He has done for me, and for all of us. The biggest thing He did lately was to have us get insurance approval for MD Anderson. I can't express to you how clearly I know it was Him who set up the whole thing. In the past, we would have done tons of research to identify the best center, then worked on getting in, etc. But God set this up 100%. Just shoved the program and all the details at us until we couldn't help but want to go there. If you're not a believer you would have a hard time getting past the 100 "coincidences" that lined up for it. Anyway, I wasn't that worried about the approval (yet), because so little time had passed. When I got the call that we were approved, my whole body started shaking and I could barely speak or breathe. Yaacov and I started screaming and we had a family dance. Abi immediately asked if it meant I wasn't sick anymore, and I definitely believed the answer was that I won't be soon. All of this is to say that when I got that call I felt the same joy I would have expected to feel weeks ago when I was falsely told I didn't have cancer. But both of the times I was misdiagnosed I felt numb instead of relief. I believe God did that to protect me from false hope, whereas this time He allowed it, even gave it as a gift of real hope.
Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I want to look beyond myself so I don't get wrapped up and stuck in my own depression. I've been thinking a lot about Esther lately, and maybe one day I'll blog about why. But in the meantime, she set a great example for me. God used her for great things, just like He will for me either during this season, or once I'm refined and strong from living through it. In Esther 4:16 she said, "When this is done, I will go to the king, even though it is against the law. And if I perish, I perish." She was braver than I could ever be--she had a choice and risked her life for what she believed in. It wasn't thrust upon her like my diagnosis. She knowingly and prayerfully broke the law to approach the king, even though she legally should have been put to death for that. She did it anyway, and it happened to work out for her.
Before this cancer mess I never bothered to wonder if I would have made the same choice as Esther. I would have told you I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I would have been wrong. At the very least it would have been an enormous decision. I only think it's easy now because I know the ending--she lives! But if you really didn't know you would live, would you risk losing your life to save your people? Your distant relatives? Close family? Who, or what is worth dying for? I have a pretty short list, which I guess is why God didn't leave it up to me.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Jennifer Litton!
"For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace." Isaiah 9:6
That is Yaacov's favorite "Christmas" verse. At Christmas, we celebrate the greatest gift God could give--His only son. He gave it freely to us, without even asking, despite all the crummy things we were doing, still do, and will do in the future. You might think I'm talking about this because of December 25 coming around the corner. But you would be WRONG!
I'm talking about God's awesome gifts because He has blessed me so much, in His own timing, and on His own terms. He keeps me on my toes but that just makes me a better dancer. You should see me spinning around right now! To get to the point, He is doing SO MUCH to get us to the MD Anderson program in Texas and just put one of the final dots on the line. So, before I had any interest in going there, we started having people offering help us go. To summarize, we already have had: people donating money for the trip(s), people offering us places to stay there, people telling us they can expedite my case to be seen in a timely manner, people telling us they can get us in to see any of the doctors there, doctors calling my insurance company to find out exactly how to finagle it, and doctors writing letters to the company on my behalf. So, all we need now is insurance, and the insurance head told us all she needs is the name of the doctor I want to work with there. Easier said than done, as no one looked perfect. I tried all the avenues I would think of on my own to figure out who could be best. I tried calling them directly, checking out all the doctors people have mentioned, reading the vitae online, and having doctors ask their friends. There were no clinical trials of interest so I couldn't do it that way, and none of the leads seemed like a match. I was uneasy about it all and unsure how to proceed, so I was just going to settle on one. But then it happened--In an unrelated issue I decided to go through all my backlog of email before we leave town, and saw that someone (thank-you Ann Spitzer!) sent me a link to a news story about a promising cancer finding. I thought it would be about untouchable treatments but read it anyway. There it was--a story about some great findings for people similar to me at MD Anderson. With Jennifer Litton as the head of a promising clinical trial. I don't know if I missed her vita the other day or what, but upon reading it tonight I see she has serious interests in cases similar to mine. Just looking at her little bio gives me goosebumps. She is definitely the doctor we've been looking for. God is the healer but she is one of the players. It is SUCH a load off, and I'm so excited to finally have a name and move on to the next step toward the airport.
This is really big to me, but I'm not sure if it'll make much sense to everyone else. It shows conclusively that God is working and helping me, and He does it for His glory and His name, not in the ways that would leave me room to boast. But, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord" 2 Cor 10:17. God set it up. If I found a doctor there I might have started thinking I was in control, and I was finding the right doctors. But He knew it was this doctor from the beginning and hid the her from me until the perfect time.
I am really happy for the gift of Jesus, and really happy for the gifts like this that Jesus brings.
I would stop here, but we're going out of town and I just know you all want more. So I'm going to brag about more amazing things God is doing.
I realized I have the world's greatest husband. Literally. He is amazing, so thoughtful, so dedicated, never complains or worries. He is my rock and, even though I whine and complain about almost everything he does, he never actually does anything wrong. He takes the kids all the time, let's me rest when I need it, talk when I need it, cry when I need it. He is perfect for me and I will do all I can to be considerably more perfect for him.
Our friends, loved ones, family, and absolute strangers have been SO kind to us. It's actually so kind that I have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I'm not sure if it's a pride thing because I've never been a "charity case" before, or what. I know people like to do things in private ("Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.", Mth 6:1), so I want to keep things anonymous, but I have never seen love at work like this before. I am so humbled to be a part of it. I hope and pray that we won't need all the things people have given us, and if that's the case I'll get it back to you or donate it in your name. But for now we're accepting it because I figure if God put it on people's hearts to give us things, He knows we need it. Anyway, among many other things, we have had care packages from people I haven't spoken to in 15+ years, money from people we've never met, even a tiny Christmas tree! Oh, and in January a group of Yaacov's friends are running a relay and raising money through it to donate to us. To top it all off, a complete stranger is lending us her beach house for the weekend, and a ton of people contributed with money and gift cards so we can truly relax. I am so looking forward to it. We leave tomorrow afternoon.
I feel sort of odd posting this blog, because it's just bragging about all this awesome stuff. Who wants to hear about all the great things someone else has? Unless it's out of jealousy, I mean. But I've been praying about this blog and when it came time to write I could not stop these feelings of awesomeness for what God is doing through His people. I'm so excited to be able to share it with you!
That is Yaacov's favorite "Christmas" verse. At Christmas, we celebrate the greatest gift God could give--His only son. He gave it freely to us, without even asking, despite all the crummy things we were doing, still do, and will do in the future. You might think I'm talking about this because of December 25 coming around the corner. But you would be WRONG!
I'm talking about God's awesome gifts because He has blessed me so much, in His own timing, and on His own terms. He keeps me on my toes but that just makes me a better dancer. You should see me spinning around right now! To get to the point, He is doing SO MUCH to get us to the MD Anderson program in Texas and just put one of the final dots on the line. So, before I had any interest in going there, we started having people offering help us go. To summarize, we already have had: people donating money for the trip(s), people offering us places to stay there, people telling us they can expedite my case to be seen in a timely manner, people telling us they can get us in to see any of the doctors there, doctors calling my insurance company to find out exactly how to finagle it, and doctors writing letters to the company on my behalf. So, all we need now is insurance, and the insurance head told us all she needs is the name of the doctor I want to work with there. Easier said than done, as no one looked perfect. I tried all the avenues I would think of on my own to figure out who could be best. I tried calling them directly, checking out all the doctors people have mentioned, reading the vitae online, and having doctors ask their friends. There were no clinical trials of interest so I couldn't do it that way, and none of the leads seemed like a match. I was uneasy about it all and unsure how to proceed, so I was just going to settle on one. But then it happened--In an unrelated issue I decided to go through all my backlog of email before we leave town, and saw that someone (thank-you Ann Spitzer!) sent me a link to a news story about a promising cancer finding. I thought it would be about untouchable treatments but read it anyway. There it was--a story about some great findings for people similar to me at MD Anderson. With Jennifer Litton as the head of a promising clinical trial. I don't know if I missed her vita the other day or what, but upon reading it tonight I see she has serious interests in cases similar to mine. Just looking at her little bio gives me goosebumps. She is definitely the doctor we've been looking for. God is the healer but she is one of the players. It is SUCH a load off, and I'm so excited to finally have a name and move on to the next step toward the airport.
This is really big to me, but I'm not sure if it'll make much sense to everyone else. It shows conclusively that God is working and helping me, and He does it for His glory and His name, not in the ways that would leave me room to boast. But, "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord" 2 Cor 10:17. God set it up. If I found a doctor there I might have started thinking I was in control, and I was finding the right doctors. But He knew it was this doctor from the beginning and hid the her from me until the perfect time.
I am really happy for the gift of Jesus, and really happy for the gifts like this that Jesus brings.
I would stop here, but we're going out of town and I just know you all want more. So I'm going to brag about more amazing things God is doing.
I realized I have the world's greatest husband. Literally. He is amazing, so thoughtful, so dedicated, never complains or worries. He is my rock and, even though I whine and complain about almost everything he does, he never actually does anything wrong. He takes the kids all the time, let's me rest when I need it, talk when I need it, cry when I need it. He is perfect for me and I will do all I can to be considerably more perfect for him.
Our friends, loved ones, family, and absolute strangers have been SO kind to us. It's actually so kind that I have had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I'm not sure if it's a pride thing because I've never been a "charity case" before, or what. I know people like to do things in private ("Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.", Mth 6:1), so I want to keep things anonymous, but I have never seen love at work like this before. I am so humbled to be a part of it. I hope and pray that we won't need all the things people have given us, and if that's the case I'll get it back to you or donate it in your name. But for now we're accepting it because I figure if God put it on people's hearts to give us things, He knows we need it. Anyway, among many other things, we have had care packages from people I haven't spoken to in 15+ years, money from people we've never met, even a tiny Christmas tree! Oh, and in January a group of Yaacov's friends are running a relay and raising money through it to donate to us. To top it all off, a complete stranger is lending us her beach house for the weekend, and a ton of people contributed with money and gift cards so we can truly relax. I am so looking forward to it. We leave tomorrow afternoon.
I feel sort of odd posting this blog, because it's just bragging about all this awesome stuff. Who wants to hear about all the great things someone else has? Unless it's out of jealousy, I mean. But I've been praying about this blog and when it came time to write I could not stop these feelings of awesomeness for what God is doing through His people. I'm so excited to be able to share it with you!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Someone still cares
"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" --Matthew 6:27
The chemo effects hit my mouth yesterday so I'm having difficulty speaking, eating, and swallowing. From what I can tell, it will be at least 9 weeks before this improves, so of course I spent the morning ruminating on how I can raise my children without a voice and the difficulty of a long-term liquid diet.
A quiet voice reminded me, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." With some difficulty, I let it go.
Next, Yaacov was supposed to leave town for a short business trip. That means both of us would be out of town tomorrow because I need to be at a monthly job I do, leaving my children in the hands of my overwhelmed 70 year old father for the entire day.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
Okay, God.
My doctor's office wants a bunch of paperwork for our appeal to go to MD Anderson in Texas by tomorrow. The phone calls I have to make for it run me ragged and I get nowhere.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
Got it.
These are the types of concerns I typically think NEED to be worried about, or they just won't get taken care of. But for once, I took the hint and let them go. Instead of everything falling apart, God took over. Yaacov's trip was canceled so he can help with the girls tomorrow. The Mayo clinic called me three times, (instead of my having to call them) and the doctor agreed to write a letter I need. Then a friend dropped off dinner--soup! It felt great on my mouth and is so much more satisfying than the all-juice diet I had started planning.
Perhaps God's word is alive and well. Perhaps he does find me more valuable than a bird of the air. Perhaps I need to stop trying to do His job and just do my own.
The chemo effects hit my mouth yesterday so I'm having difficulty speaking, eating, and swallowing. From what I can tell, it will be at least 9 weeks before this improves, so of course I spent the morning ruminating on how I can raise my children without a voice and the difficulty of a long-term liquid diet.
A quiet voice reminded me, "Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself." With some difficulty, I let it go.
Next, Yaacov was supposed to leave town for a short business trip. That means both of us would be out of town tomorrow because I need to be at a monthly job I do, leaving my children in the hands of my overwhelmed 70 year old father for the entire day.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
Okay, God.
My doctor's office wants a bunch of paperwork for our appeal to go to MD Anderson in Texas by tomorrow. The phone calls I have to make for it run me ragged and I get nowhere.
"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
Got it.
These are the types of concerns I typically think NEED to be worried about, or they just won't get taken care of. But for once, I took the hint and let them go. Instead of everything falling apart, God took over. Yaacov's trip was canceled so he can help with the girls tomorrow. The Mayo clinic called me three times, (instead of my having to call them) and the doctor agreed to write a letter I need. Then a friend dropped off dinner--soup! It felt great on my mouth and is so much more satisfying than the all-juice diet I had started planning.
Perhaps God's word is alive and well. Perhaps he does find me more valuable than a bird of the air. Perhaps I need to stop trying to do His job and just do my own.
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