Thanks to all for the prayers, support and encouragement. It really helps and I wanted to update everyone as much as possible...
I realize plenty of you might think I'm about to die. You might think I'm crazy because I think the matter is still open. However, I'm still alive and am not going anywhere. Nothing changed in Texas, there were actually a few positives. For one, we found a third doctor who agreed with the treatment I'm receiving. That's apparently unheard of. For another, I have the blessing of a closed door. I don't have to consider going back there, making the decision of switching treatments or doctors, etc.
So, the case about men finding a cure for me is closed. In less than two months I've gone from thinking I'm fully healthy to being told time and again that I am about to die. I don't accept that though. I embrace that as evidence that no one on earth has the power to heal me. What I hear is actually these learned men declaring, "I have nothing for you. Don't put your faith in me. I am worthless, go elsewhere." They are right about that, and I'm so grateful for the discernment. I don't need to get confused about who to trust or follow. My guy says, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”(John 8:12)
I have spent a lot of time over the past few months praying for God to tell me if He will heal me before I die or wait until after. I believe He has officially confirmed His answer--His lips are sealed. Until now I have found this issue of not knowing to be the worst part, but I'm peaceful about it now.
I have peace about this silence for a few reasons. For one, throughout history God has been silent for our own good. He didn't tell Job that he'd suffer for a given length of time then heal him. He let him suffer, watched his response, then restored him. He told Abraham He'd be the father of nations, but didn't tell him how that would pan out. Again, Abraham's belief in the promise was credited to him as righteousness. Even Jesus, who was all God and all man cried out for release from his circumstances and said God forsook Him, but again the all-knowing father didn't just tell him how it would work out. Finally, Mark 13:32 reminds us that God doesn't tell anyone, even His son, when heaven and earth will pass away. So, I do not blame God for leaving little old me without answers.
Mark 13:32-36 clarifies that we cannot know when the end will come because the unknown will keep us alert. This is a reason I believe He is keeping me from knowing what is going on. If I knew I'd be healed soon I might lose focus on Him, and if I knew I was about to die I'd probably stop spreading His word to go inward. Plus, He has to see how I will handle all this. If I knew I'd be healed next month I would be able to handle this situation with such grace and ease. Wow, I would be amazing!
The truth is, I can't change God's mind. Romans 9:15 and Mal 1:2-3 says, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion". However, time and time again Jesus told us to bring our requests to Him so that's what I'm doing. And I do know He will heal me, it's just that it could be on earth or it could be when I'm fully restored in heaven.
In the end, God has opted not to tell me what will happen today, tomorrow, next year, or in the next decade. That's okay. He's watching my response and that is something I can foresee: I will act in faith, I will pursue Him, try to please Him, and praise His name until my last day.
Showing posts with label trusting God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label trusting God. Show all posts
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Breakthrough!
I'm so excited, I can't sleep until I get this out. And yes, I do consider 9:35 bedtime these days. Anyway, I just had a serious breakthrough about the willing sacrifice issue I blogged about earlier. Such a huge weight has been lifted because I finally get it. ..
It's not about cancer, it's not about me, this is about God. Heb 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." If I have any faith at all, I will trust Him through this. I will follow Him. Willingly. With joy. No matter what the cost. God is supreme. He is the inventor of all things, and if He thinks it's a good idea for me to go through this stage of cancer at this time of my life, I will go. With glee. He picked me for this job! He knows best.
How arrogant of me to say what is good or bad, what should or shouldn't be! How quickly I forgot all the amazing things He's done for me, and stopped praising Him so I could complain about Him. To think basically that I am smarter than Him and my plan is better than His. How ridiculous and embarrassing.
I thought about editing my last post to account for this breakthrough because it's Christmas and no one probably read it yet anyway. But I want to be real, and I really was being that ungrateful and prideful for the past few weeks. That burden of stupidity is gone now though. I am relieved that I don't have any say in who lives or dies. I don't even have the burden of going through this on my own. I am not trudging alone to the grave, God is carrying me to the place I need to go. Deut 1:31 says "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In His arms is exactly where I want and need to be.
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding."
It's not about cancer, it's not about me, this is about God. Heb 11:1 says, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." If I have any faith at all, I will trust Him through this. I will follow Him. Willingly. With joy. No matter what the cost. God is supreme. He is the inventor of all things, and if He thinks it's a good idea for me to go through this stage of cancer at this time of my life, I will go. With glee. He picked me for this job! He knows best.
How arrogant of me to say what is good or bad, what should or shouldn't be! How quickly I forgot all the amazing things He's done for me, and stopped praising Him so I could complain about Him. To think basically that I am smarter than Him and my plan is better than His. How ridiculous and embarrassing.
I thought about editing my last post to account for this breakthrough because it's Christmas and no one probably read it yet anyway. But I want to be real, and I really was being that ungrateful and prideful for the past few weeks. That burden of stupidity is gone now though. I am relieved that I don't have any say in who lives or dies. I don't even have the burden of going through this on my own. I am not trudging alone to the grave, God is carrying me to the place I need to go. Deut 1:31 says "There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In His arms is exactly where I want and need to be.
Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, do not depend on your own understanding."
Immanuel- God with Us
Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
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