Well, this is it. I am 33 today. I am healthy, happy, and cancer-free. I have a perfect family, amazing friends, and a great love-life with our Creator.
Awful things happened this year. Great things happened this year. Things that would change me forever. Things that would remind me that I don't know how long forever actually is.
I am not the same person I was when I turned 32. I am now stronger and bolder, but also weaker and more vulnerable.
Everything about me is older now. I just noticed that my profile picture on Facebook is unrecognizable. I "can't" change the picture because I don't like the updated photos I've been posing for. But the truth is, I don't like the girl I see in those old pictures either. I was so foolish and shallow then. I miss the freedom to live like that, but carry a strong distaste for that lifestyle at the same time. So why can't I say goodbye to her?
Maybe there are deep issues at bay here. Or maybe I haven't fully embraced the two new roles I fell into this year: 1) terminally ill mother of two, and 2) miraculously cured child of God. I don't want to ever go back to the first, but you can't have a former without the latter. Just like I can't go back to the "before" picture of me without dabbling into the "after".
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecc 3:11
As you likely recall, I received my diagnosis at the beginning of the last holiday season. At the time I tried desperately to embrace Thanksgiving and Christmas as gifts of special bonus time I could spend with my family while knowing it would be among my last. Those holidays were HARD. God carried me through them but I can barely keep it together remembering my sorrow. At the time I thought that nothing could ever relieve that sadness for me. That even if somehow God healed my "incurable" cancer, I could never release the heartache of living as if my time was limited. All our time IS limited, no matter what any doctor says. But I am ecstatic to report that while celebrating my day of birth today, I never thought about my day of death. I don't think I'm invincible, but I don't waste my time thinking of how I'm not.
"Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
So, on this day we celebrated my 33 years of life and began a dedicated year of health. It is more than safe to say that Year 32 included the lowest valley of my physical health thus far. There were plenty of things beyond my control, but I can control a lot of physical issues that can make me healthier. Not to make me live longer, God is the one who numbers and knows my days. But I see no reason that I cannot be the healthiest I have ever been this year. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have been praying about and meditating on criteria that would demonstrate those achievements, as well as small daily goals that will help me get there. My tentative decisions are to run a 5K in 23 minutes or less (in peak physical condition before I ran them in about 24 minutes), to write a first draft of my next book (discussed below), and to read the whole Bible with a deeper study than usual. I hope to accomplish these before my next birthday. If God intervenes I will have to change them, but I'll keep working on the daily goals to achieve them on His timeline.
"All this I tested by wisdom and I said, "I am determined to be wise"--but this was beyond me." Ecc 7:23
I rarely remember my dreams, but when I had both children I was awakened so often in the middle of them that I would recall what had been going on. I was so happy then. Time and time again I would wake up in the middle of a "sitcom". It was almost always Seinfeld (which had ended years before), and I was dreaming of entirely new, hilarious story lines. I sometimes couldn't fall asleep from laughing so hard. Times have changed a bit since then...I now dream in Sci-Fi. What's that about? I have two recurring dreams that include tons of supernatural events. Nothing God-related, by the way. I don't know what else to do with them so I've started plotting them out for my next book. I am generally the last person to write Science Fiction, given that I do not read it or typically enjoy such stories. But I plan to write a bit each day and finish at least one draft this year. I will NOT rest until this book is one that I am extremely proud of. I really enjoyed writing my last one, but I was not proud of the end product at all, and that made it impossible to market. So, I'm not going to waste the extra time God gave me on earth, writing some nonsense I can't drag myself to talk up. Anyway, I hope this is the beginning of a fun, new adventure, and I'll keep you posted on the progress.
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
Showing posts with label Ecclesiastes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ecclesiastes. Show all posts
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Immanuel- God with Us
Luke 2:13-14
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying, (14) “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!” “Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among those with whom he is pleased!”
He is with us. He came to live among us, and left His Holy Spirit as our counselor, who gives us wisdom and understanding. These are things I need.
I'm about to get pretty deep and possibly confusing. But I've been wrestling with this for weeks and feel like getting it out there. I feel that God is asking me to be a "willing" sacrifice for Him. The point of Jesus coming and dying for us was so He would be the sacrificial lamb, and He doesn't require sacrifices now (Hebrews 10:5), so it's a little unexpected. I'm thinking of it as not being required, just requested. Of course, anything He requests I will do my best to perform. I feel like He's telling me this is an issue of getting my heart right. Not that I would try to die or stop trying to live, but I suppose more of a willingness to go through this no matter what the cost.
Obviously, I don't have a choice in whether I die from this disease, so I feel like I'm currently trudging along to the grave, hoping to get pulled out alive. And now I'm supposed to keep walking that way because He wants me to, or sort of because I want to do it for Him. Not because I have to.
I want to want to please God. If I knew this experience would result in my healing--that I would live on earth and raise my girls--I would joyfully and willingly go through a short cancer/chemo trial for His purposes. But not knowing the exact purpose, and not knowing if I will live or die from it makes it really hard to do this joyously. I hate that my willingness to please God is still dependent on "if's" and "buts", and I guess that's the evidence that my heart is wrong in the first place.
If I didn't have kids I'd die if that meant someone would turn to Christ and spend eternity in heaven. But what if the whole reason behind this cancer stuff is just to get some stranger to know more about Christ, and then they still reject Him? Do I want my children to grow up without their mom for a stranger's missed opportunity? Nope. I just don't. I'm trying though.
It all looks like a non-issue on the surface, because I cannot control when I will die. God does that, and He controls or allows every issue on earth, whether it's my advanced cancer or someone else's stubbed toe. Below the surface, though, is a matter of the heart that I need to resolve. This is the anniversary of Jesus' birth, and He struggled with the same thing when He asked God to take the cup from Him. It was much harder in that case, because Jesus had the power to actually stop what was going on, and couldn't demonstrate it. Mine is a perceived control issue but I actually have no say in it.
In the end, I trust God. I just need to put on my happy pants and push away the "if's" and "but's". He has an awesome plan and I am still honored to be a part of it. I just wish it didn't make me feel so nauseated!
Ecc 3:11b-14 He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.
Romans 12:1 And so, dear brothers and sisters, I plead with you to give your bodies to God because of all he has done for you. Let them be a living and holy sacrifice--the kind he will find acceptable. This is truly the way to worship him.
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