Thursday, October 2, 2014
Praying and praying and praying and praying and praying
I remember that before I was healed a friend posted a comment on here about what a roller coaster all the cancer stuff was. I was still cautious about being so vulnerable on here so I was a little offended. I felt like she was saying I should stop getting my hopes up about about things, to just sort of live in neutral. Since then I have had seasons of wishing for this neutral myself. It is hard to be so passionate about whatever's going on in life that when it turns out badly it's like part of you dies a little.
Luke 9:41-43, Jesus answered, "O faithless and twisted generation, how long am I to be with you and bear with you? Bring your son here"...
Starting a few months ago I got sort of leveled off, the way I guess I wished. It felt like God didn't hear or care about me or what I did. After countless heartbreaks and unanswered prayers I suppose some of my faith died off. Looking back I know I sinned, but don't know if I turned away from Him a bit and He responded with increased distance, or if it was a period of testing that I failed. But either way, because of His mercy and grace, His boundless love, we have reunited and it feels so good! Colors are more vibrant, His presence is clear and weighty, my heart...feels again. Day after day He reminds me that His mercies are new each morning, and that He knows it all. He knows what we think, what we do, what we want, what we feel...and He knows why we feel it. God is not this impersonal, strict parent who judges what we do as sub-par. He is involved in every aspect of our lives, and encourages us to be better for our own well-being and for the good of the whole body of Christ.
...While he was coming, the demon threw him to the ground and convulsed him. But Jesus rebuked the unclean spirit and healed the boy, and gave him back to his father...
It would not be right to serve this amazing Savior in a neutral way. We can't be fully devoted to living for Him while protecting our hearts from disappointment. So, we must immerse ourselves in Him. Look for the good and lessons in the daily struggles. Keep getting up after we fall. Keep pursuing the kingdom and His righteousness. Love those who hate us. Pray without ceasing.
And all were astonished at the majesty of God.
A lot of people ask me to pray for their loved ones. I'm not good at it. I don't like presenting a prayer list to the Lord, even though He is the only one who can do anything about the list. I never know exactly how to pray that is not some version of my selfish desires to manipulate or manhandle God. I think that's some of what I did over this period of not hearing much from Him. The word says He leaves us with authority to do great things on earth, but He still has the right to make the final decisions and the Spirit blows wherever He wills. I just don't know how to approach all of that with the faith needed for the really big stuff.
...And all were astonished at the MAJESTY OF GOD.
Anyway, sometimes the Lord really opens my heart and I guess the lines of communication for praying for specific people. It's never when or how I expect it. He has me praying now for Barbara, who many of you have prayed for over the past few years now. Her health has declined but she has always been a prayer warrior and has always believed He will heal her. I remember how fearful I was when I first started blogging, that I would believe He would heal me and then He wouldn't. I was certain that would be the most heartbreaking way to go. And I was so sad to see how at first people prayed for everyone to be healed, then as they got sicker eventually people started praying that they'd be put out of their misery. All of these things stir my soul. We know that the Lord alone numbers our days and Barbara would not be put to shame if He chooses to wait until she's in heaven to heal her. But I pray so deeply that she would experience the fruit of this faith while she's on earth. That the doctors and nurses around her, who are surely counting her out, would see the cancer literally vanish. That all the health problems that have resulted from this cancer would dissipate in front of their very eyes. That her labored breathing would become smooth, the fluid in her lungs and the cancer itself would be loosed and flow right out of her as the Holy Spirit replaces the void with healthy fluids and cells. Technically, this is not possible. But, all things that are impossible with men are possible with God. He's proved it time and again, please pray boldly that He will add this woman's life to that score sheet.