Oceans and Agony

I wonder what Paul's third heaven is (2 Corinthians 12:2). I feel like I'm caught up between worlds myself. I'm looking out, not really part of this one, but the other one I'm floating in so vague and unclear. I'm pretty sure the other place I'm stuck in isn't a heaven of any sort though...

I talk and write about Him from my scarlet viewpoint. I'm a worthless, double-minded, forgetful sinner, looking up to the One who Knows. The One (the ONLY ONE) who sees my empty pockets and the filthy rags I cover myself with. But when I lift my eyes to Him He meets my gaze and smiles. He scoops me up with both arms, because it is not the things I can offer, but my self that He wants. He doesn't ask where I've been, but receives me with joy! 

His love is true. His Word is true. His Son is real and His testimony does not change. He made the heavens and the earth. He created life out of nothing, and continues to do that each day. He gives us days and numbers them. He gives and takes away, and He heals our broken hearts and our broken bodies. 

His love knows no bounds, so why does it tarry so? Three of our beloved sisters who were once healed are now suffering with their original disease. One is too many! Where is our Rescuer right now? The enemy wreaks havoc and evidence of his destruction is all around, like an untouchable villain on the war path... while the unanswered prayers of the saints plead in unison as a soundtrack of this tragic story. This is a great opportunity for them to grow in their faith, I know. It is a special privilege for us to persevere in prayer, yes. God will not allow anyone who trusts in Him to be put to shame (Ps 95:1-3), true. But it is impossible to go on with the same confidence when you were once testifying about His healing and then the cancer comes back. The natural thing for all of us to do when we are re-diagnosed (or it recurs/spreads, depending) is to quit. Quit boasting of the Holy Spirit's power. Don't dare to ask for and expect another miracle; We remember that God numbers our days and agree with the doctors that that number is small. It is easiest to accept it and thank Him for the good days we had. Because it took every fiber of our being to beg for healing, to believe it, to rejoice in it, to live life as a healed person, to testify about our healing, and then to get the bad news. How can we face the naysayers who never  believed in the first place? How do we quiet the mocking whispers that taunt, "It was all a sham. You were never healed. Your 'God' never healed you." Or, if we continue to stand strong with the truth of the original healing we remember, "I never knew anyone else who was healed even once, twice could never happen.". So we crawl under the covers. We hide our pain, embarrassment, and cover our shame with makeup and smiles. But our questions and doubts continually plague us until we water down our faith with weak, political sounding niceties that leave no doubt that the miracles we experienced will be rarely remembered, the once vibrant testimony and faith we had dissolve.

I think of the Tennyson quote, "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." In my flesh I think the opposite is true for healing. It feels like it would be better for all of us to have never been healed at all than to go through the agony of having been healed and then "lose" it. But somewhere in the depths of my dark, wounded soul, as I struggle to crawl back to the foot of the cross, I find the truth: It is better for these ladies to have been healed, to experience the faith-building freedom from such a huge answered prayer, yet to struggle with the disease again, than it is to have never experienced that at all. It changes us. It's incomprehensible. It allows us to "know" Him in a way that we could never get to before. And it provides an incomparable testimony that glorifies Him and continues to spread long after we are around. Moreover, it is better to have been healed because it was His decision. He has the plan, He did it, and His way really is the best way. It will strengthen their faith in some way to deal with their new problems, whether it is to enjoy as He heals them again, or to be dealt with in other ways. And finally, it may be true that it is impossible to go on after a bombshell like this, but the truth will ALWAYS remain: "All things that are impossible with men are possible with God." (Luke 18:27, that was on the cake we ate to celebrate my own healing, by the way).

So, what more is there to say? John 10:27-28, "My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand." The Rescuer came before, and He will come again. We don't know when. Maybe it will be today. Please pray for the power of the perfect Holy Spirit to show Himself within these women's bodies. Pray for their faith, strength, and total healing.

I might have posted this before. It's my favorite song. I thought I was the only one who had discovered it, but I guess when I was in my lala land it was released to the rest of the world. Anyway, the hyperlink will take you to the song itself. I wonder if anyone could really hear this song and not be moved. Like, lock yourself in a dark room with no distractions, close your eyes and listen to it, and if you aren't moved, send me a detailed note so I can try to understand.

Oceans by Hillsong United

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise my soul will rest in your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and you won't start now

So I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

NOT Cancer

Well, Rassam was wrong. Whatever is wrong with my hip is not cancer. It's entirely manageable, no big deal. I only asked him about it because I hoped it was a chemo side effect and wasn't sure how to treat it.

I knew God wouldn't allow this to be cancer, but still had moments of uneasiness. I definitely started crying with joy when I spoke to the nurse today. I need to remember that these "cancer-scares" will happen for the rest of my life, whether or not I am truly healed of cancer now (I AM, btw). Because once you're stage 4 the doctors are just waiting for the new spots to come up so watch you more carefully, etc. He said I'll have a PET scan every 2-3 months and then extra tests depending on pain, etc. However, in my case every time the results come out clear, there will be more credence to the idea that I am actually healed from this disgusting disease. So, I'm going to embrace these times.

Ps 116:1, "I love the Lord, for He heard my voce; He heard my cry for mercy." That is MY God!!!!!! OUR God. If He is for us, WHO can be against us??!!?? Satan might be the prince of this world, but God is the KING of the universe. Nothing happens that He does not permit. And He does NOT permit cancer in my body. My body is the temple for the living God. No room for nonsense in here. The end!!!

NOT Waiting to Exhale

I had my 9th Taxol treatment on Thursday, and also had my monthly meeting with Dr. Rassam. I will tell you it was surprising and disappointing when I mentioned some hip pain I've been having and Dr. Rasssam immediately told me it must be that my hip is filled with cancer. I had an x-ray and am awaiting the results.

It has been a difficult few days and I hope the challenge from it is in trusting God while I wait, not from the actual results. I think I've done considerably better during this waiting game than I would have in the past. My mind raced a few times Thursday when we first disccussed it, but God comforted me and helped me stay distracted.

I really wanted to keep all this quiet because I didn't want to give Satan and his minions the satisfaction of letting it affect me (or others). But I do feel prayer is so important in all this that I went public to ensure it was still well-covered in prayer.

I listened to a sermon last night that talked about the nature of God. He is not the one who comes to kill and destroy. He does not enjoy watching us suffer. In fact, He sent His son to suffer in the short run so we wouldn't have to in the long run. That is the polar opposite of the enemy. Satan is the liar who tries to make us doubt God. 1 Peter 5:8-9, "Be sober-minded; Be watchful. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world."

Satan wants me to be all bent out of shape about this cancer-scare, but with God's help I will not allow that. I will resist him and focus on remembering all the amazing things God has done for me. I will be anxious for nothing and trust in the same God who has gotten me this far. He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow, and my faith will remain steadfast throughout.

James 4:7, "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you."

He reigns!

Hello friends!
Thanks so much to all of you who came by the park yesterday to share in our joy and celebrate God's goodness! To be certain, God is great all the time, but it was an amazing chance to reflect on His most recent miracle.
A lot of people were there so I didn't have a chance to get very deep with anyone. That probably wouldn't have happened anyway because I was still processing it all. I think it finally hit me so I'll share what I can...

A lot of people asked how I have been feeling but it wasn't until today that it really hit me. I was driving down the road and put on an old Newsboys cd. The first song just filled me with the Holy Spirit and I was flooded with peace from His awesomeness. There's nothing amazing about the song itself, but the chorus is, "It's all God's children singing 'Glory! Glory! Hallelujah, He reigns!". And that is the summary of this journey. Because of all those people praying for us and passing the information along, people in all parts of the country and world  knew about this. Because of His mercy, love, and kindness all those people are now singing "Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, HE REIGNS!". No matter what your circumstances look like, no matter what junk you're dealing with, no matter what the naysayers shout, God reigns now and forever. One day everyone will recognize it, we just have to wait patiently. "As surely as I live', says the Lord, 'every knee will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God." (Rom 14:11; Isaiah 45:23).

I mostly feel joy today but I am also extremely humbled. I want to make sure everyone knows what He did for me, but I can't get past the fact that it is me He healed. Funny how I never once asked, "why me?" about getting the cancer, but I need to know why He picked me to be healed. It doesn't matter, of course, and I'm so grateful I can't even handle it.

There are a few things I am certain of: 1. My "believer's prayer" from Mark 11:23-24 (discussed a few days before the results) was the hardest, scariest part of my life and I know the way I attempted it pleased Him. I had to wrestle with it, go against all common sense as well as the believer's I spoke to about it. I believe I had to face all that and declare it publicly before I could be healed. To be clear though, I do NOT believe I did something to "earn" this miracle, any more than I "earned" my salvation. But I did need to get it together, and that included stretching myself and my faith farther than I would have guessed it could go.

2. There were multiple purposes for all this. I believe one was to get so many people praying and allow them to witness the miracle. It is very important to me that it's clear that you're all part of the body who prayed in unison. No one/part is more important than another, so you should all reap the benefits of getting to share the good news and not feel insignificant. Galatians 1:6 says, "As for those who seemed to be important--whatever they were makes no difference to me; God does not judge by external appearance--those men added nothing to my message." So, for those of you who prayed and believed, embrace the fact that He answered in such a big, big way. He did this great thing for you, for me, and for HIM and His glory. We should all be praying Rev. 4:11, "You are worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honor and power; for you created all things and by your will they were created and have their being."

3. This experience has helped me grow in faith and I know of several others who feel the same. I have a renewed thirst for the word and can't get enough of it. I had gotten lazy with God and will pray and try not to do that more. I suspect there are some I haven't spoken to yet who are unsure how to deepen their relatioships with God. Please don't be afraid to ask. If you don't know someone safe to ask, send me an email and I can try to help or find you someone. Most importantly though, God is the one with all the answers so start with reading the Bible (try John maybe).

I'm praying a lot for everyone who has supported us through this journey because when God moves satan often follows. So be aware and "do not give the devil a foothold" (Ephesians 4:27).