BRCA and Brains

Did you hear Angelina Jolie has the BRCA 1 genetic mutation and had a bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction to combat the effects? Because I heard. I have heard about it more than the Boston bombings. I don't know if it's actually newsworthy or if my tiny world of breast cancer is highlighting it. I am glad she was tested and is taking it seriously. I'm glad she's drawing attention to it, because so many women don't know about it. People don't usually get tested until they are diagnosed with cancer. Obviously my life would have been very different if I had known. I think about it a lot because there's a 50/50 chance my kids have it (assuming I still do, I'm still waiting on the results of the study I enrolled in, just to see if God changed my genetic makeup when He healed me. Come on, it's God, that's nothing for Him). Anyway, the knowledge of the BRCA test results can create fear and I hate that. I hate that cancer can control us like that, and ESPECIALLY that just the fear of it can affect us for the worse. But I did read her article and liked the positive approach to it. Instead of living in fear, she just got the surgeries.  The ovary removal is another strongly recommended procedure, but that affects us much more, so it's a bigger deal. They won't test anyone under 18 so I have about 13 more years of praying for my girls to not have the gene, and that if they do we will know how to handle it. I hate that they might ever be faced with that uncertainty, or the disfigurement, but I know that doing it as a preventive measure is immensely better than the way I had to do it. I know that anyone with that genetic mutation can take a different approach to their future than those without, but that doesn't mean their actions will control cancer. But God can. He can control every disease, every germ, every multiplication or division of cells. We are all in for a miserable life if we confuse our ability to choose with the ability to control. 

Isaiah 46:9-10, "I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is none like me, declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times things that are not yet done, saying, 'My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure.'"

BRCA genes and brains don't exactly go hand-in-hand, BUT BRCA mutations lead to cancer, and cancer treatment messes with your...I lost my train of thought. Oh, right, your brain! People call it chemo brain, and refer to it in a similar way that you would joke about your brain when pregnant. Sadly though, I already went through the memory loss and distraction associated with having little ones, so I feel like chemo did extra damage to me. On a typical day it isn't that big of a deal because I don't use the same parts of my brain that seem to have been affected. On a normal day I just trudge through my to-do list, driving here or there, disciplining this one or that one, and trying to make it through the day without yelling. On a day like today though, I needed my brain. Yaacov had to leave town on a last minute business trip, so I had to organize two different babysitters for the monthly consulting meeting I go to. I prepared all yesterday so I would be on time and the kids would be adequately packed. So this morning I'm meandering out of the house when I remember to check which building my meeting is in. Turned out it was in a whole different city (and time zone), so I was terribly late. While sitting in the meeting I tried to speak and realized that the words I was trying to recall were lost. The concept is there, but I don't have any idea how to label them. Then, at about 4pm Yaacov and I spoke on the phone and he reminded me that Abi had a t-ball game at 6:30. Failed again. At 8 pm it dawned on me that we missed it. So, instead of complaining about it I'm going to research specific brain-improving (see, this is a time I'm quite sure there's a real term for what I mean) techniques, and I'm going to operationalize and track the improvement so I know what works best for me. If you have any theories, let me know and maybe I'll include them. Stay tuned!

Genesis 28:15 "I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you."

Update

We were supposed to get the pathology results from my biopsy on Wednesday or Thursday. I was unfazed that we still hadn't heard by the weekend, but this morning was thrown for a loop. Dr. McAlpine left a voicemail first thing in the morning saying to call him. Then his nurse called my cell phone and hung up after one ring. I immediately called back and the receptionist said she couldn't tell me the results. So I waited, anxiously, for a call back. Confidence dropped, the tears fell. I was sure it was bad news, my mind reeled and imagined how I would remember this day when my world changed for the worse. As the minutes ticked by I tried to pray and found no peace, so I just repeated, "I trust you. I trust you. This is part of your plan. I believe in your plan." It was pretty hard to really believe during that time, though.

Finally, the phone rang. Lisa, Dr. McAlpine's nurse and I exchanged the required pleasantries. Then she told me..."No cancer, the pathology was all clear." Hooray!

God is awesome no matter what, but I sure appreciate getting good news like this. And as much as I hated the scary waiting, it made me even happier to hear that I am still cancer-free.

"But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from whom you learned it" 2 Timothy 3:14

I wish my faith was strong enough that I hadn't gotten flustered by the ominous sounding message. That I hadn't faltered when I thought the world was spinning out of control. Or that I hadn't even noticed it start to spin backwards in the first place. But I'm a work in progress. I am being perfected to become more like Jesus and less like "me". One day I'll get there.

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philippians 1:6

Sadly, we are surrounded by people who are going through massive pain and sorrow. Some of them face more difficulties in a day than the rest of us ever deal with. Please join us in praying for a few of these people. Each of them was created by our God, for His glory. Each of them has the potential to be rescued in a miraculous way. Every one has been going through a fear-filled time like the one I described above, and could use a break. Let us support them in prayer, that no matter how closely they are walking with God, they will get closer, believe more, hope more, and expect more. This is the time to see God do amazing work, and I can't wait to see how He turns it all around.

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and He will deliver us from your majesty's hand..." Daniel 3:17

Cancer: One is a single mom diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. Her daughter lives in an entirely different country, which makes it extremely difficult for both of them. We believe she has already been healed but needs wisdom about future treatments and scans, is getting some of the run around from doctors, etc. Jaime is a young girl who was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer two years ago. It has been spreading and she needs wisdom about doctors and treatments. Let's just pray for total, miraculous healing and for confidence and faith in the meantime. Jessica is the one who had lung cancer with clear results last time. Today she had a routine scan, so pray that it is clear and that she will keep getting great news. Scarlett is a new breast cancer friend who has had many health problems in the past. She has a one-year-old daughter and is going through chemo right now. She is having a really hard time feeling God's peace and joy so pray that He would fill her with those and confidence. Yaacov also has a friend whose father was just diagnosed with kidney cancer, and pain brought him to the doctor in the first place, which is never good. Pray for faith and peace, plus of course total healing. Finally, there is a family member with a mass that we are believing is benign. Pray for an easy and accurate surgical biopsy.

"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. Make level paths for your feet so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." Hebrews 12:12

Babies: Baby A is having an MRI in a few weeks because she has some symptoms of a disruption in her right hemisphere. Pray for the test to go smoothly, accurate results, and absolutely no problem in her brain. Just have the symptoms disappear! Also, someone we love is facing an unexpected pregnancy and we pray for God to guide her perfectly and to help the family dynamics and make all the correct, important decisions. Finally, a praise! I think I forgot to follow-up in the past--awhile back I blogged that our niece's soft spot seemed to have closed up. The surgeon said it hadn't and she is fine! I know that He just fixed that.

The two best kept secrets about surgery

I've got the joy, joy, joy joy down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart. Where? Down in my heart, I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart. Down in my heart to stay!

Surgery went great. I am tired but can't sleep. Not much pain. He was able to do it laparascopically and saw nothing scary in there. The biopsy results should be in Wednesday or so. Because he didn't have to switch over to the normal cutting type of procedure it was outpatient. I have been home for a few hours.

I have had many surgeries now, so I'm a bit of a pro. Or, the angels have been ministering to me a lot (Heb 1:14). I have two huge secrets I have to share. I'm so excited I can't even type fast enough. This was the best surgery ever, I think it's quite possible that I've never been this happy before. Seriously. And it doesn't have to do with the surgery going well or the pain meds, as they haven't affected my mentally before.

Secret 1: Of course, God. God has given me peace and joy like no other, and I know it's because I've been really disciplined about getting a lot of good time with Him lately. The more I seek Him, the more He shows Himself. Sometimes it is not easy to get myself motivated to really focus on Him, but I push through that and then it gets easier and easier. No matter what your current walk is (or isn't) like with God, you can always do more. If you're feeling crummy, focus on praising Him about the good things and reading uplifting scriptures. I think reading straight from the Bible instead of just topically searching for helpful verses enhances the experience more. "But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you seek him with all your heart and with all your soul." (Deuteronomy 4:29)

Secret 2: Beg for a seasick patch. They are only by prescription so the anasthesiologist gives it to you. I never have bad nausea except when getting anasthesia, so it's not like I just have a sensitive stomach. I normally can't eat for at least a day because of it, and that makes the recovery much more miserable. Anyway, in Gainesville the anasthesiologist put a patch behind my ear and I was skeptical. But after that 8-hour surgery I didn't have any nausea at all. None. I mentioned it to the one today and he wasn't impressed, but my mom pushed for him to give me one. What do you know? No sickness at all. Not even for a second. It makes such a HUGE difference. I want to make sure everyone knows about it so it becomes more standard in Tallahassee. It is completely night and day compared to my other local surgeries. I imagine that you could ask for it during your pre-op appointment and then be more likely to get it, because the anasthesiologist really wasn't eager to give it today.

Those are my tips. Don't forget them. They are very important. I want everyone to feel this happy after surgery. And all the time! I love you all for praying and reading!

Remember, Deut 6:5, "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." and John 15:11, "These things I have spoken unto you, that my joy might remain in you, and that your joy might be full."

Ready for Surgery

The part of Christianity that makes our message urgent involves the afterlife--we will all live forever, but whether it is with God in heaven, or an eternity separated from Him in hell remains to be seen. Jesus will stand there on judgment day and say, "I didn't know you" or He will defend you because He already paid for your sins on the cross.

Some people stop there. They think they have the basics down ("if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.", Romans 10:9) and can live however they want. But they miss out on the part that matters here on earth. Generally, devoted believers aren't spending their time focusing on getting into heaven or fear of hell, they are nurturing their daily relationship with God through the Holy Spirit. The closer I am to God, the more I am aware of my helper, the Spirit of God. He whispers to us, intercedes for us, and guides us. But the more steeped in sin we are, the less we discern His voice. And the more I am aware of Him, the more I obey and do what He wants. My desires transform to match His.

I first learned about the mass on my ovary over a month ago. I tried hard not to think about. The last time I had a cancer scare (when I was waiting for my primary tumor diagnosis), I indulged the fear. It was sinful, but not in an obvious way. Doubts would creep in, and little by little they would chip away at me. Soon I lost all focus on God and other important things, and was consumed by fears, what-ifs, and imagining the worst. There were times it took over my life, and the more it did, the harder it was to crawl out. It seemed like there was no helpful truth to hold onto or believe. 

While awaiting this biopsy I have been much more aware of those doubts and tendencies. Satan is clever but relatively consistent. He always starts with trying to pull me away from others. Just like he approached Eve when she was alone (Gen 3). He knows we are weaker when we're away from other believers, so he makes me try and pull away. When I would tell myself that many people have benign masses, he would remind me that my breast cancer journey was not like anyone else's. No one can relate. He picks at my faith by causing me to doubt whether I really heard from God about not removing my ovaries last year. Just like he asked Eve, "Did God really say..." He does this to get me to doubt whether I can hear God. When He gets me to doubt that, I lose confidence in future decisions that I need to trust God in. He also uses memories I have about other people's problems to make me doubt that God will take care of me. A few of these are, "You were never healed and this will show that", "The naysayers will think they were right", and "You will never be healthy again. You will always be going through some health problems. By  the time you die everyone will just be relieved." Satan is the father of lies and this is his fruit (John 8:44). But he disguises his words as common sense and gives evidence to back them up. If you aren't on guard, you will buy into them.

This time around I have been much more aware of the damage it does to everyone around me when I fall for this nonsense. It keeps me from being the best wife, mother, and friend I can be because I'm distracted by fear. So early on, I started rejecting those fears instead of letting myself consider them. The more I refused to indulge them, the less they came. Now I sit here, just one full day before surgery, with no anxiety at all. I am filled with peace and faith. I know God will take care of me and I completely trust that this is not cancer, and that He has a great plan for this. I am actually excited to get this surgery under my belt and see what amazing things He brings out of it. 

Romans 8:9, "You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. "

1 Peter 5:10, "But may the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a little while, perfect, establish, strengthen and settle you."

Surgery Scheduled!

Great things have been going on since my last post. I got test results from the bloodwork Dr. Rassam took on Thursday. Both tumor marker tests came back lower than last time (they've stayed in normal ranges for a year now but had increased a bit within that range), and he also checked my thyroid. It came back high, as hypothyroidism. I read that chemo can cause this, and I'm just so glad to have a reason for some of my symptoms that it is a big relief.

I saw Dr. McAlpine yesterday and scheduled the ovary plus fallopian tube removal for April 29. He is going to start laproscopically, and if that works it will be an outpatient procedure with 3-7 day recovery. If he has to switch to normal surgery he's going to take my uterus too. Then it will be a longer recovery and short hospital stay. Dr. Rassam told me in the past that I would never be able to have hormone replacement therapy, but Dr. McAlpine said today that if things go well for the next decade or so I might be able to take some then. He also told me about some anti-depressants that can decrease hot flashes and such from the menopause I'll be going through. 

Dr. McAlpine felt around and said there's no palpable lump on my ovary, which is a good thing. He also said  that is not causing my abdominal pain, but he will poke around there during surgery and fix anything he finds. All in all, I'm happy with the news I've received lately and the treatment plan. I wish surgery was a little sooner but trust God, His timing is perfect. Yaacov had to cancel a business trip so he can be there that day, and I'm really grateful for his unconditional support. 

The Lord has really been there for me during this. I am not anxious and trust that I don't have cancer. I think the Tamoxifen caused the mass and after the surgery get to try a new medication. In the meantime I am praying for and expecting further protection from all the side effects of these drugs and procedures.

Last year I struggled so much with fear that I sometimes had trouble voicing my confidence in the Lord. This time He is very present and I trust Him regardless. This is a great chance to be bold about my God. I am really feeling good, mentally and physically and am praying that I will be a faithful example for my doctors and the other people who will follow my case.

1 Peter 2:15, "For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people."

This peace that surpasses understanding

For anyone who doesn't have a lot of experience with cancer, you need to understand a bit. When you ask us how we feel, the answer is complicated. Compared to you, I bet we feel awful. But, it's been a really long time since we went felt truly healthy, so we're accustomed to feeling junky. And in my case, I'm happy to be alive and cancer-free, so I respond based on my feelings that moment, not with how I feel compared to a year ago.

I have nerve damage all over my core. Some of it hurts, some is numb. My stomach hurts when I cough, laugh, reach or sometimes breathe. I have frequent headaches, a small amount of lymphadema, hot flashes, am winded from jogging to the mailbox, seem to be retaining weight big time, have difficulty breathing, and if you take my shirt off I look like...a cancer patient.

I don't want to focus on these things. I can't focus on them and focus on God too. I can't focus on them and enjoy the moments with my children. So I could go through the rest of my life fearful of each ache and pain, losing sleep and getting weepy every time, or I can trust God. He has shown me He cares about me. He has shown me that love conquers all. I know that His grace is sufficient for me. That His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9). In short, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm great. I am not lying. I am great because I am yoked with the Lord God Almighty, who bears my burdens.

I started having stomach pains a month ago. I had an ultrasound and learned I have one enlarged ovary and one with a mass. The mass is not a cyst. It was hard to learn this, and the more I thought about it the more anxious I got. Yaacov and I prayed about it and felt like this was our chance to respond to trials differently--better. So we used self-control. We shifted focus from the potential bad things to other things. We recognized how much the enemy would want to destroy us right now, emotionally and physically. God has had so many great things arise through this journey with cancer. So many things that shed light on the prince of this world, that destroy the hopelessness that the enemy causes.

I was selected to be the honoree for this year's Card for a Cure campaign. That means a lot of press and opportunities to share what the Lord has done for me. What perfect timing for Satan to make it look like lies! Too bad for Satan, God gave me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I just saw Dr. Rassam and he told me it could be breast cancer (not very likely to have spread directly to there without a trail), ovarian cancer (statistically possible due to the BRCA 1 test, but not related to breast cancer, so the timing seems crazy to me), or nothing. I vote for nothing. We are in the process of scheduling my ovary removal and technically should know more then. However, I already am filled with all the knowledge I need: "In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

We wait in peace. This time we're not thinking about the worst case scenario. This time we're not doubting that God knows best, or loves each member of my family. This will not be the last health challenge I run into, but gone are the days that my health ruins family vacations or hinders relationships. We choose Christ, because He chose us.

In the Moment

Before Jesus came, people were expecting the Messiah to come and become a literal king of Israel, to free them from the physical powers and harm that were inflicted upon them. Then he came along and some people rejected him as a fraud, or because he threatened their way of living. For others he filled in the blanks, changed everything they thought they knew. For those people, there were lots of great moments that reinforced their new beliefs. There was some confusing talk about the future. Then he was killed. His body lay dead, like any other mortal--much ado about nothing.

I imagine the letdown and confusion they felt. It must have been the ultimate slap in the face to his followers. His body was in the tomb for three days. I wonder how many hours or days it took them to re-frame their understanding of the Messiah into the fact that he had died. We know that on the third day, when those ladies went to prepare his body, they weren't expecting the tomb to be empty. But I imagine that they still had that tiny bit of hope that the story wasn't really over.

Believer or not, I expect that everyone who has brushed up with mortality can relate to how the followers felt during those three days that Jesus' dead body lay in the tomb. They had been flying high with the clarity and freedom He brought. He took away the laws they hadn't even realized they were chained to and opened their eyes to the spirit behind the law. And suddenly overnight he had been killed. His enemies seemed to have won. Their worlds crashed in around them and everything they thought they knew was wrong. It didn't make any sense and there was no one left on earth who could clarify it for them. Haven't we all been there? Don't we all dream of being able to rewind time to the way it was before that moment? Then finally, we think we get some resolution. We stop dreaming of things like that, but He surprises us in better ways. We go to do the hardest thing ever, like anointing his body, and instead find an empty grave.

He is risen!
Luke 24:1-49