Not Enough

It's been almost 2 years since my diagnosis. This time in 2012 my dad drove from West Palm (7 hours) to watch the girls while I went for an ultrasound on the lump in my breast. I had prayed for immediate, good news and that is what I got. Too bad we learned a few weeks later that they were wrong!!!! During the ultrasound the technician proudly announced that my lump was just a clogged milk duct and cancelled the mammogram I was supposed to have right after. I thought that meant my dad had driven all the way across the state to help for no reason, and I had missed Abigail's Halloween parade, which was at her school at the same time. Of course, when we learned that it was actually a misdiagnosis and I had cancer, those details turned out to be the least of my worries.

I will always think of that day around Halloween, and it was on my mind today as I watched my biggest baby march proudly around the school in her unicorn costume. I can say with absolute certainty that she is no worse for having gone through my cancer and treatments with me. In fact, her faith is stronger and she sees the Lord in more things than before. We prayed so much that the girls would not be destroyed because of the attacks from the Destroyer, and God definitely answered those prayers. Plus, obviously, many, many more.

By the end of today's parade I was smacked in the face with the reality that the world didn't stop being a horrible place just because the Lord healed me. I learned that a strong, young believer named Jaime is days from death. She was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer when she had an infant, and that little boy is now 4 years old. By all accounts, that little guy is about to lose his mother. The cancer is in her liver and is causing her excruciating pain.

I remember ruminating once that this is how it goes: First, everyone has high hopes, then that fades and so do the prayers and belief that a miracle could occur. Finally it gets so bad that everyone starts praying for death to take you, to put you out of your misery. I think this has happened with Jaime's family. She has a husband and parents who love her and no one can stand seeing her in this pain. I imagine she would rather not live more days like this but feels so guilty succumbing because of her child. Her son. Her lovely, precious, and perfect son.

I don't know the boy's name but I know he's wonderful. And that he doesn't understand. And that he's on track to have to go through all the awful issues I prayed my own children could avoid. I often think the good Lord answered my prayers for my daughter's sake...and with some difficulty I'm going to stretch my faith for this next part: I BELIEVE HE WILL ANSWER OUR PRAYERS TO ENTIRELY HEAL JAIME . For His glory.

Many people remind me that He doesn't heal us all, but (I will say it again, and again), who are we to decide who He will heal? If we pray halfheartedly for healing "because He only heals some of us", do we actually follow His command to pray in faith (James 5)? And to pray AND believe (Mark 11:24)? Are we actually doing it because we afraid that if he doesn't heal the person and we thought He would, we will lose faith in Him? Is it just an easy way out to not really put our hearts into praying for healing?

It takes some difficulty to believe Jaime will be healed, but I am doing it. I did it for Debora and when He healed her it was so much more meaningful to me than if I had been just watching from the sidelines. Or waiting for her to die. So I challenge you all to pray with me. To suspend all understanding of what you know about science and the way things usually work, and to go all out in your prayers and belief that she will be healed. Ignore Satan and His lies. Those that whisper "it's too late" and "no one is healed at this point". By definition a miracle is a supernatural, unexpected change that we cannot explain away. So we do not lose the hope that He gave us two years ago. Or last week. We maintain this hope and earnest expectation of the good news to come.

Come, let us glorify the Lord together. We shall rejoice together for the upcoming healing of  the Lord's daughter, Jaime. For her sake, for her son's sake, and for yours.

Psalm 17:17
Show me the wonders of your great love, you who save by your right hand those who take refuge in them from their foes.

Healing Party for Debora on Friday

There will be a healing party to celebrate the good work of our Savior in healing Debora's body on Friday (10/18) at Four Oaks from 7-8:30. I believe she will share her testimony. Come enjoy it. We should rejoice in all things, but what a nice chance to celebrate a miracle!

Revelation 4:11
"You are worthy, our Lord and God, to receive glory and honor and power, for you created all things, and by your will they were created and have their being."

MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I.CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.IT.......................
He did it again. Her God. My God. Our God. He healed Debora. Her stage 4 cancer is gone. Her doctor is shocked. He didn't admit that it was a miracle but said he couldn't find any cancer and never expected that. She went through chemo but eventually stopped as the side effects were worse than the benefits. Since then she's been on Arimidex and that's it. Not even a diet change. Lots of chocolate. Lots of prayer. Lots of miracles.

Nehemiah 12:43 "Many sacrifices were offered on that joyous day, for God had given the people cause for great joy. The women and children also participated in the celebration, and the joy of the people of Jerusalem could be heard far away."

Many thanks to all who prayed. She was diagnosed in May, 2012 and it took this long to see the results. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I prayed a lot throughout, but especially this week, and was moved specifically to pray that God would heal her for the sake of those watching. For those who either don't believe He is, and thus wouldn't do it, and for those who don't believe He can and thus couldn't do it. He did it for those people. He also did it for all His children who have been praying and needed to see Him work. He did it for those who wrote her illness off as a part of life (and death). He did it for her, even though she would have been content with just being healed in heaven. And He did it for Him, so we would all know He is the Lord. 

Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."

Dear Tallahassee, God is here. He is still healing, still caring, still weeping and still seeking. Get on board for the ride of your life. It's scary. It's hard. But the joy you feel when you seek Him and find Him is incomparable. 

"1 John 4:8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. "

"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1"

Don't give up on praying for your heart's desires. Don't give up on your loved ones. Don't give up on seeking God because He hasn't given up on you.  

"Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?"

I love you all. 

Psalm 31

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;

let me never be put to shame;

deliver me in your righteousness.

Turn your ear to me,

come quickly to my rescue;

be my rock of refuge,

a strong fortress to save me.

Since you are my rock and my fortress,

for the sake of your name lead and guide me.

Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,

for you are my refuge.

Into your hands I commit my spirit;

deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.

I hate those who cling to worthless idols;

as for me, I trust in the Lord.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not given me into the hands of the enemy

but have set my feet in a spacious place.

Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;

my eyes grow weak with sorrow,

my soul and body with grief.

My life is consumed by anguish

and my years by groaning;

my strength fails because of my affliction,^b

and my bones grow weak.

Because of all my enemies,

I am the utter contempt of my neighbors

and an object of dread to my closest friends—

those who see me on the street flee from me.

I am forgotten as though I were dead;

I have become like broken pottery.

For I hear many whispering,

“Terror on every side!”

They conspire against me

and plot to take my life.

But I trust in you, Lord;

I say, “You are my God.”

My times are in your hands;

deliver me from the hands of my enemies,

from those who pursue me.

Let your face shine on your servant;

save me in your unfailing love.

Let me not be put to shame, Lord,

for I have cried out to you;

but let the wicked be put to shame

and be silent in the realm of the dead.

Let their lying lips be silenced,

for with pride and contempt

they speak arrogantly against the righteous.

How abundant are the good things

that you have stored up for those who fear you,

that you bestow in the sight of all,

on those who take refuge in you.

In the shelter of your presence you hide them

from all human intrigues;

you keep them safe in your dwelling

from accusing tongues.

Praise be to the Lord,

for he showed me the wonders of his love

when I was in a city under siege.

In my alarm I said,

“I am cut off from your sight!”

Yet you heard my cry for mercy

when I called to you for help.

Love the Lord, all his faithful people!

The Lord preserves those who are true to him,

but the proud he pays back in full.

Be strong and take heart,

all you who hope in the Lord.

NOW is the time to pray

My amazing friend Debora, who knows pretty much everyone in Tallahassee, is having a PET scan today. At 1:30 actually. I think in the past she got her results faster (maybe immediately, but that might have been a different type of test) than I have but we'll see. So please, please devote a minute to praying for her accurate test results to show that all of her stage 4 breast cancer has disappeared.

Debora prayed for my miraculous healing then was diagnosed with the same thing just three months later. A ton of things have happened since then, and we have been amazed at how the Lord used her journey to draw others close to Him.

With that said, I know she was healed and I want this PET scan to show it. I know, we should be content in all circumstances. And God doesn't heal everyone. And we all have to suffer. But do you know what else? Jesus healed all who came to Him. And He told His disciples to go out and heal the sick (Matthew 10:8). Are we bigger sinners than the disciples? Probably. Well, we might be better than Judas. Sometimes. But sin is sin, and there is only one Holy Spirit. It's the one who came down as a dove and rested on Jesus. Then at pentacost the rest got it. So...was that Holy Spirit more powerful than the one we have today? NO. Did He care about healing back then but change His mind? NO. Did He love the people from back then more than He loves us today? NO. NO. NO.

James 5:14-16

Is anyone among you sick? Let him call for the elders of the church, and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer of faith will save the one who is sick, and the Lord will raise him up. And if he has committed sins, he will be forgiven. Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

I wasn't healed because I deserved it. He did it so all could see His glory. How He answers prayer. How He provides hope in a hopeless world. I want everyone to get to share that hope and joy that comes when you get to share His miracles. There is nothing like it. I can't think of a better day than October 9, 2013 for Debora to get to do that. And for all of us, who have prayed without ceasing for her, to get to hear it.

A few other little things--I was honored at the Cards for a Cure event that is a fundraiser for the TMH Cancer Center. It was so cool. We had a lot of friends there which made me so happy. And it made the small talk, etc. much more fun. Before my little speech they showed a video that I'll put the link to here. It's on Facebook so if you aren't a member and it doesn't let you see it tell me. Cards Testimony Video

I don't have time to brag about all the awesome stuff God has allowed me to witness lately, but it's a lot! At that event there were 450 people, mostly those I didn't know, gathered there to fight cancer. And they all got a brochure with my story, saw the video, and applauded when I gave a speech that said God was the hero of my story. It was a secular event so I was surprised I didn't get booed off the stage, let alone to have people clap! And tons of people approached me later and said it was so brave of me to say that. I guess in their world it takes more courage to share the truth than I was aware. It was SUCH a huge blessing, I get tears in my eyes just thinking about it.

The last thing is that a few weeks ago I missed noting an important day on here. I feel really awful about it. It was Mesothelioma Awareness Day. You know, breast cancer gets a whole month of press and everywhere you turn you see something pink to raise awareness. People with Mesothelioma just get one day and who even noticed it? It was September 26. Apparently most people diagnosed with it get just 7200 hours to live. That's 300 days. The man who sent me the information about it said his wife is a rare survivor of it. So, please check out this website and keep that awful disease in your prayers.

I love you all. Seriously. I do.

Events and Prayers

I have mixed feelings about keeping this blog going. It was such a huge part of my cancer journey, and I have been extremely blessed by the responses of people who read it.
Before I was healed I mentioned a fear on here that when people stopped supporting me as much I would feel irrelevant. That definitely happened, as it happens to most people who deal with illness. It's a natural part of life--whether or not we want attention, at some time of our life we get it and then notice during those times we don't. It bruises our egos. It has taken awhile to get over this, but I think I have, which is why I can express it better now. I am humbled by being less relevant and more unimportant, and this blog is an extension of that. But I feel like "ending" the blog would be like saying what God did is not important or relevant, either. 
Anyway, whenever I pray about closing down the blog, someone inevitably mentions it in a positive way. So I am keeping it going with less frequent entries until further notice. 

I am healthy. I decided to wait until next year for further reconstructive surgeries because my body has been taking a long time to heal from each  It has been a little over a year since I ended radiation, which was the final part of my treatment. I would say I have physically recovered from all that and have no notable side effects from any of it, besides the actual surgical scars. I consider those my war wounds from the fight for my life. 

I am still moved by people with cancer and have several that I'm praying for. It feels like an epidemic and it's a bit overwhelming to try to keep up with everyone's horror stories. But still, every so often in the midst of the storms, we hear good news. It is a tinkle of hope ringing in the distance, and we must search for it's source. It is the only way we will get through the journey.

Romans 15:13, "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

These are the current things we have going on.

Prayer:
There is a young girl named Anna, and her family, who really needs your prayers. She already beat leukemia once but it's back now. Her family has been through an enormous amount recently, so having this terrible disease come back was icing on the cake. Her mother has to work in Tallahassee, and Anna Grace is at Shands all alone (2.5 hours away). She is so sick only her mother is allowed to visit right now. They need support in every way imaginable. Here is a link to a blog with some information, http://annagracedoran.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/anna-grace-doran/comment-page-1/, and if you want to help with any fundraisers it talks about a pancake breakfast on October 5 and I know a local coffee shop is donating funds during certain hours also. Please, please cover this family with your prayers for total healing, finances and peace. Also for protection from emotional problems that arise from all this.

Great Lessons:
Yaacov is leading a cool teaching on the Parables at 11am at Four Oaks Community Church starting next Sunday. You don't need prior knowledge or anything, just come prepared to learn more about the details of what Jesus was talking about. I'll paste a blurb about it below:
This class will discuss the origins and meanings of the parables of Jesus from a Jewish perspective and the decisions Jesus called his listeners to make pertaining to the gospel and the kingdom of heaven. The class includes an introduction to what a parable is, the context into which Jesus was teaching (including what the Rabbis were teaching during the 2^nd Temple period and who the Jews expected the Messiah to be), and a study of 9 parables: 3 parables of warning, 3 parables of the gospel message, and 3 parables of righteousness.

Bible Study Fellowship:
I have been going to Bible Study Fellowship for 5 years, and it's a really great nondenominational Bible study. It is not local, there are weekly meetings all over the world. If you want more specifics shoot me an email and I can fill you in. But this note is because we have two women's groups and not one for the men in Tallahassee. They would like to start a men's group in town, but they need a list of 300 men who are interested in attending. It isn't a commitment to show up, just to say they would consider it. So, if you or someone you know is a man who would consider going to the group if it started up, please send Yaacov or me a message with your name and number for the list. Or put it in a comment beneath this.

Cards for a Cure:
We are really excited for the big Cards for a Cure fundraiser that is coming up on September 28 at the Antique Car Museum. The board is made up of lots of amazing people who have lived through or been touched by, breast cancer. The money raised goes to support the TMH Cancer Center, and this year my story is the one being highlighted. As a promotional tool our family was even featured in Tallahassee Woman's Magazine, which has a watered down version of my story. Lots of non-believers are finding out some truths about what God can do (page 38 http://issuu.com/tallahasseewoman/docs/aug_sept13_online). So, not only would I love to see you all come to the event, I would also appreciate prayers for all the audience to learn about God's miracles and that there is always hope. www.cardsforacuretallahassee.com .

Surviving

I just saw someone who is dying of cancer. I don't know how much longer she has. I do know she's worn out from fighting, trying, and just surviving. I know she might be content with death at this point, but would probably prefer to be completely healed and have many more healthy, painfree years with her children. I know the longer we fight this disease the less we expect to overcome it. And I know that the longer people see us fighting it, the less it matters to them. The less they pray for miracles and expect them to occur. The more they accept that it's our time to go. And most of all, I know: That Sucks.

These people who struggle for years deserve peace, health, and happiness as much as you do. As much (or as little) as I did. I didn't deserve to be supernaturally healed, I was just chosen for that path. These other people who are still sick could be chosen too. What would happen if God chose them to be healed too, but no one bothered to pray and believe they would be? We fail to pray for miracles when we don't believe they will happen. We profess to believe in Christ but we don't believe He will answer our prayers. So why do we bother praying for anything at all? Some of us are willing to pray that He will bless our finances but not that someone will walk away from her deathbed. We basically are willing to ask for help with things that we could just about do ourselves, but we don't trust in Him to do things we obviously can't control. Instead we believe the lies of the enemy, that there is no hope. What an insult to the Creator of the world that we would pick and choose what to believe He will do! That's not faith in Him, it's faith in ourselves. And none of us is worthy to make such big decisions.

Once a man named Jairus went to see Jesus. He begged Jesus to heal his dying daughter. The girl ended up dying for a bit and Jesus told Jairus, "Do not be afraid; just believe." Then He healed the little girl. Back from the dead. He healed her because Jairus asked and believed Jesus would heal his daughter. The daughter was already dead, she certainly wasn't expecting to be healed. (Mark 5:21-37). Was that girl more special to Jesus than our friends who have cancer today? No. 

It's hard but necessary to believe in miracles. To expect them. To respond to the opportunity to pray for such miracles as a blessing, not a chore. I'm not sure exactly why it's so hard or scary, but it is. When I was on my way to see this friend with cancer today I was humbled by the reminder that I haven't been expecting to hear the great news of her miraculous recovery. I thought I should run up to her and boldly tell her I knew she would be healed. That despite all evidence to the contrary, it was going to happen. Maybe I would pray with her right then...

Instead do you know what I did? I said "hi", "bye", and ran off, telling myself I needed to pray more about it before I could really announce that I believed in her healing. You know why? Because it's hard and scary to look at someone who is close to death and tell her she will live after all. Even though that is exactly what I was wishing for when I was so sick. Because even after receiving my own miracle I don't expect to see others. Because she doesn't give the impression of someone who is about to receive one. Oh, right, and because I am a hypocritical jerk. 

This is hard stuff, but am supremely blessed in that I have another day to try again. To try to believe that my mustard seed of faith allows me to say to a mountain, "Move from here to there" and it will move (Mtw 17:20). We will rejoice together at the amazing things He will do. And eventually every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father (Phil 2:10)

Wasted Life

I discovered an awesome show called "Extreme Weight Loss". I watch it with tears in my eyes throughout. In the last episode I saw (season 3, episode 3) there were many echoes of statements that all people I know who have been blessed with a miracle make.

The overweight man miraculously survived a horrendous car accident. At the hospital, the doctors were stunned and repeated, "We don't even know why you're here". I know those of us who survive have those thoughts too. But I also know the answer. We are hear to proclaim what the Lord has done (Psalm 118:17). That is my new career and I am thrilled to go to work each day.

Later the man was feeling bad about himself and said, "I feel like I'm totally wasting my second chance". We all know what to do about that at this point. Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

His personal trainer reported, "He lost his arm but he still has that spark of hope". We have that spark of hope too. Romans 15:13, "Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that you may abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Finally, the trainer in the show told him, "I choose you, Buddy". The trainer was talking about selecting the man to be a client for the show. But it is exactly what God says to us. It isn't because we are worthy. In fact, all are invited to walk with God, but few really go through with it (Mth 22:14). Ephesians 1:4, "Even before He made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes." It is so sweet to be chosen for this life, and I know I forget that sometimes. But if the angels can rejoice about it, so can we. And I hope you all do just that.

"In the same way, I tell you, there is rejoicing in the presence of God's angels when just one sinner repents." Luke 15:10