While I have not heard from the doctors about the PET scan yet, I much more importantly believe I have been healed by God. So it doesn't matter what they say Thursday.
It all started with my new favorite verses from the Bible. Mark 11:22-24 says these extremely important words, " 'Have faith in God' Jesus answered. 'Truly I tell you, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go throw yourself into the sea' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them. Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I meditated on these verses, discussed what else it could possibly mean with Yaacov, and prayed a lot about it. Then I went outside, rebuked the devil in Jesus' name, and prayed for help keeping him out. In this prayer I specifically asked for healing along with freedom from this spirit that has been making me misplace items all the time. Afterward I felt the same but because the word says, "BELIEVE you have RECEIVED it", I believed. I told Yaacov I was healed and only then was I filled with the holy spirit. It felt awesome and reassuring.
That should be enough (Dayenu!), but it gets better. I decided that someone who is healed does not check on her lump so I'm not feeling it anymore, nor am I saying, "I have cancer" because I don't. If it continues to show up on the tests I will say, "I was diagnosed with cancer."
Anyway, throughout the day I was frustrated to misplace a few more things. So I finally prayed that God would show me missing items to demonstrate that my prayers had been answered. As I finished praying I lifted up the deflated air mattress that has been sitting in our junk room for two weeks. No one has touched it during that time. Underneath the mattress was my missing hat. Mind you, I was given that hat last Wednesday (1/25) and hadn't seen it since I wore it (1/26). I rarely go into that room and had not on the day I wore it. But there it was. Under something that hadn't been moved since January 16. Get it? "BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE RECEIVED IT AND IT WILL BE YOURS." That's it. It is done.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Diet and Random Answers
I already posted today with content stuff, but a lot of people have been asking about random details of what I'm going through. So this should answer it. Please don't worry about bombarding me with questions either, I'm happy to share any details.
My Diet:
I'm followig the anti-cancer diet to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me as it's very time-consuming and I already don't have much time. Yaacov is also following it, and the girls are getting closer. When I mentioned this diet before I forgot to say that the limited science behind it also is primarily just to help stop or slow the spread of cancer. It is to be used along with medication and not in the place of it. Please don't follow this diet without evaluating it yourself. It was written 5 years ago and things change quickly.
The basics are--
No or very limited sugar and white flour (that includes no honey, cane or corn syrup, etc.)
Primarily eat veggies/fruit (organic best)
Whole grains good, multi-grains better, sourdough is okay but not helpful
Fish is good, I just don't like it
Animals and animal fats are limited and grassfed organic
I take 16 pills per day (vitamins, supplements, etc.)
Drinking tons of green tea, pomegranate juice, probiotic, some grape juice
Eat lots of berries
Add flax
Add tumeric
Drink red wine but not during chemo (no problem, I hate the taste)
Use olive oil
Add garlic
Exercise 30 min 6 days per week
Limit stress
Go to support groups
CHEMO DETAILS
My hair stopped falling out after getting some bald spots. They were in front so I could not have rocked the "I just have thin hair" look. I still have my eyebrows, arm hair and eyelashes!
My mouth sores have been mostly gone, although I have some today. I think getting extra sleep will help because I've been deprived lately. I had all 4 very harsh chemo treatments, and in 2 weeks (so 3 total weeks of vacation from chemo) I start an easier treatment. I'll get it each week for about 12 weeks. My hair could start growing back anytime between now and the 8th treatment. I often think it's already growing, but I got a good look at it today and realize that isn't the case.
Behavior analysts will appreciate the respondent conditioning that goes on during chemo. For me I noticed that the one time I went to the office and did NOT receive any treatment, my port started hurting while I was sitting in the nurse's room. It hurt for 2 days even though no needle touched it. I also cannot stand the smell of coffee because it's the first thing I drank after my initial chemo treatment. My responses have not been too bad, but some people fare much worse during this type of chemo. The nurse told me that one woman begins throwing up as soon as she sees the syringe filled with that disgusting stuff.
That's about it, but if there are any questions I didn't answer let me know.
My Diet:
I'm followig the anti-cancer diet to the best of my ability. It is difficult for me as it's very time-consuming and I already don't have much time. Yaacov is also following it, and the girls are getting closer. When I mentioned this diet before I forgot to say that the limited science behind it also is primarily just to help stop or slow the spread of cancer. It is to be used along with medication and not in the place of it. Please don't follow this diet without evaluating it yourself. It was written 5 years ago and things change quickly.
The basics are--
No or very limited sugar and white flour (that includes no honey, cane or corn syrup, etc.)
Primarily eat veggies/fruit (organic best)
Whole grains good, multi-grains better, sourdough is okay but not helpful
Fish is good, I just don't like it
Animals and animal fats are limited and grassfed organic
I take 16 pills per day (vitamins, supplements, etc.)
Drinking tons of green tea, pomegranate juice, probiotic, some grape juice
Eat lots of berries
Add flax
Add tumeric
Drink red wine but not during chemo (no problem, I hate the taste)
Use olive oil
Add garlic
Exercise 30 min 6 days per week
Limit stress
Go to support groups
CHEMO DETAILS
My hair stopped falling out after getting some bald spots. They were in front so I could not have rocked the "I just have thin hair" look. I still have my eyebrows, arm hair and eyelashes!
My mouth sores have been mostly gone, although I have some today. I think getting extra sleep will help because I've been deprived lately. I had all 4 very harsh chemo treatments, and in 2 weeks (so 3 total weeks of vacation from chemo) I start an easier treatment. I'll get it each week for about 12 weeks. My hair could start growing back anytime between now and the 8th treatment. I often think it's already growing, but I got a good look at it today and realize that isn't the case.
Behavior analysts will appreciate the respondent conditioning that goes on during chemo. For me I noticed that the one time I went to the office and did NOT receive any treatment, my port started hurting while I was sitting in the nurse's room. It hurt for 2 days even though no needle touched it. I also cannot stand the smell of coffee because it's the first thing I drank after my initial chemo treatment. My responses have not been too bad, but some people fare much worse during this type of chemo. The nurse told me that one woman begins throwing up as soon as she sees the syringe filled with that disgusting stuff.
That's about it, but if there are any questions I didn't answer let me know.
Love
I know a lot of you have been waiting for an update and I really appreciate the prayers and concern. It turns out we won't find out what the PET scan showed until Thursday. I thought waiting that long might kill me, but it's not so bad. The truth is that in the grand scheme of life, God's plan, and PET scans, it doesn't matter. God could choose to use that as a demonstration of His power and love, or He could use it to show that we need to cling to Him harder, pray more. Love more. Because above all else, God is love. He has been forever, and will be for always.
I think I forgot about love lately. I've been increasing my efforts to be really present with the kids and Yaacov, so there have been times that God hit me over the head with it. Like the other day when Naomi was napping. I normally try to rest at that time so Abi takes quiet time but instead we sat outside on a blanket, enjoying the beautiful day God created, and talked about important 4-year-old girl issues. It was so much more meaningful and memorable than anything else I could have done. 1 John 4:8, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." God made that day. That child. Gave me the time to enjoy it. Yes, God is love.
I think I forgot about love lately. I've been increasing my efforts to be really present with the kids and Yaacov, so there have been times that God hit me over the head with it. Like the other day when Naomi was napping. I normally try to rest at that time so Abi takes quiet time but instead we sat outside on a blanket, enjoying the beautiful day God created, and talked about important 4-year-old girl issues. It was so much more meaningful and memorable than anything else I could have done. 1 John 4:8, "Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love." God made that day. That child. Gave me the time to enjoy it. Yes, God is love.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Tomorrow!
I was in a Bible study this morning and the speaker mentioned 2 Thessalonians 3-4, "We ought always to thank God for you, brothers and sisters, and rightly so, because your faith is growing more and more, and the love all of you have for one another is increasing. Therefore, among God’s churches we boast about your perseverance and faith in all the persecutions and trials you are enduring." She posed the questions, "How has your faith grown lately? What evidence is there that your faith has changed?" My iniitial thought was that my faith has grown a ton and the evidence is all the people who've been moved by this situation.
Then God reminded me that none of that is true. I am depending on Him because I HAVE to. I don't have the luxury of choosing to trust Him or the doctors, because the doctors are telling me they have nothing worth trusting. I mean, I want to trust Him anyway, but I can't say I definitely would if the situation was different. And the truth of all this ticks me off. Even though I'm physically doing well, I still feel like I'm going through hell. I'm furious at myself that I still can't get it together. Still haven't learned what I need to. Still am not the Christian I should be. Not the woman I should be. Not the mother I should be. Or the wife. The chef. Even the housekeeper.
If this journey doesn't get me where I need, what will it take? I will keep trying no matter what. 2 Thess 3:13, "And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good."
On another note, I'm really excited for tomorrow's PET scan. No matter the results, it's in God's hands and I trust Him fully. But I still can't wait to see what happens. Thankfully His awesomeness does NOT depend on my awesomeness, and it never will.
Then God reminded me that none of that is true. I am depending on Him because I HAVE to. I don't have the luxury of choosing to trust Him or the doctors, because the doctors are telling me they have nothing worth trusting. I mean, I want to trust Him anyway, but I can't say I definitely would if the situation was different. And the truth of all this ticks me off. Even though I'm physically doing well, I still feel like I'm going through hell. I'm furious at myself that I still can't get it together. Still haven't learned what I need to. Still am not the Christian I should be. Not the woman I should be. Not the mother I should be. Or the wife. The chef. Even the housekeeper.
If this journey doesn't get me where I need, what will it take? I will keep trying no matter what. 2 Thess 3:13, "And as for you, brothers and sisters, never tire of doing what is good."
On another note, I'm really excited for tomorrow's PET scan. No matter the results, it's in God's hands and I trust Him fully. But I still can't wait to see what happens. Thankfully His awesomeness does NOT depend on my awesomeness, and it never will.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Things
"My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do.
The mountains are his, the rivers are his, the stars are His handiwork, too.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!"
I've been a little sick lately so haven't blogged as much as I would have liked. It seems like a lot has been going on so here is the good, the bad, and the ugly...
Last week Yaacov's car broke down and we learned it had been sparking. The workers said it was amazing that it hadn't caught on fire. They say "amazing", I say, "miracle".
"My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do"
A few days after that, Yaacov's brother's house burned down. Yes, for real. Their precious dog Nana woke them up so they were able to get out of the house with the three girls without harm. Unfortunately, Nana and their two cats did not survive. However, we praise God that He sent Nana to save them. Details about the fire, etc. are here: http://thepetschers.blogspot.com/
"My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do"
Some of you have heard about the Anti-Cancer diet Yaacov and I are on and I wanted to explain a little more. I spent a long while praying and reading about different options for healthy lifestyles to fight this battle. I finally found peace, joy, and relief when reading Anti-cancer (sent to me by Lindsey Parsons, thank-you!), so that's what I went with. I was waiting to start it until after the Texas trip in case they had different recommendations, or some sort of fancy tests where I'd want to be measured at baseline. They had nothing to recommend besides a casket size there, so we just started the diet upon our return. But I don't want people to think we started a diet as our solution to doctor's inability to help me. Anyway, I like the diet because there are data behind aspects of it. Not a lot, but enough that it won't hurt anything to try as long as it doesn't interfere with my pursuit of God and His will.
"The mountains are his, the rivers are his, the stars are His handiwork, too."
I have mentioned a few times that a positive attitude is really important for fighting diseases. There are a lot of data out there, but one illustration is from a study in which people with the very same ailments but different reports of them were tracked over time. Those who said they were in excellent health lived much longer, healthier lives than those with the same ailments who said they were in poor health. Those with critical minds will remind me that these data are just correlated, not causal. But so what? There is still a reason these people do better, so I'm going to do what I can to make sure I always feel like I'm in excellent health. Before the diet I decided I would select "good" health on a questionnaire. Since reading that I have tried to exercise every day, get rest if I do feel crummy, and follow my diet. I felt excellent for a few days, but chemo did bring me down a bit. I think when I shake this cold I'll be back up there.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!"
God has been working in so many ways it's hard to describe. I have lost a bit of my oomph and excitement about the upcoming PET scan but that's just satan bringing me down. I know God has tons of miracles and surprises up His sleeve and I can't wait to see them all come together. I also can't wait to hear about what He's been doing in everyone else's lives. One of my favorite things these days is to get your emails or notes about that sort of thing.
I have been praying a lot for everyone who reads this and feel it's important we all remember there's no prayer to big or too small for God. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains in His name! If you have a stupid stubbed toe that's driving you crazy, He will relieve that too! Don't insult our creator by keeping Him locked up until you finally find something you can't do on your own. This is His world, we are His people. Believe what He says, today and always. Let Him comfort you today. Let Him wipe your tears and blow the ashes off your lovely face. Accept the crown of beauty He has for you. You deserve it, not because of who you are or what you've done, but because you are His child. Now, and forevermore.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do.
The mountains are his, the rivers are his, the stars are His handiwork, too.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!"
I've been a little sick lately so haven't blogged as much as I would have liked. It seems like a lot has been going on so here is the good, the bad, and the ugly...
Last week Yaacov's car broke down and we learned it had been sparking. The workers said it was amazing that it hadn't caught on fire. They say "amazing", I say, "miracle".
"My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do"
A few days after that, Yaacov's brother's house burned down. Yes, for real. Their precious dog Nana woke them up so they were able to get out of the house with the three girls without harm. Unfortunately, Nana and their two cats did not survive. However, we praise God that He sent Nana to save them. Details about the fire, etc. are here: http://thepetschers.blogspot.com/
"My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do"
Some of you have heard about the Anti-Cancer diet Yaacov and I are on and I wanted to explain a little more. I spent a long while praying and reading about different options for healthy lifestyles to fight this battle. I finally found peace, joy, and relief when reading Anti-cancer (sent to me by Lindsey Parsons, thank-you!), so that's what I went with. I was waiting to start it until after the Texas trip in case they had different recommendations, or some sort of fancy tests where I'd want to be measured at baseline. They had nothing to recommend besides a casket size there, so we just started the diet upon our return. But I don't want people to think we started a diet as our solution to doctor's inability to help me. Anyway, I like the diet because there are data behind aspects of it. Not a lot, but enough that it won't hurt anything to try as long as it doesn't interfere with my pursuit of God and His will.
"The mountains are his, the rivers are his, the stars are His handiwork, too."
I have mentioned a few times that a positive attitude is really important for fighting diseases. There are a lot of data out there, but one illustration is from a study in which people with the very same ailments but different reports of them were tracked over time. Those who said they were in excellent health lived much longer, healthier lives than those with the same ailments who said they were in poor health. Those with critical minds will remind me that these data are just correlated, not causal. But so what? There is still a reason these people do better, so I'm going to do what I can to make sure I always feel like I'm in excellent health. Before the diet I decided I would select "good" health on a questionnaire. Since reading that I have tried to exercise every day, get rest if I do feel crummy, and follow my diet. I felt excellent for a few days, but chemo did bring me down a bit. I think when I shake this cold I'll be back up there.
My God is so great, so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do, for you!"
God has been working in so many ways it's hard to describe. I have lost a bit of my oomph and excitement about the upcoming PET scan but that's just satan bringing me down. I know God has tons of miracles and surprises up His sleeve and I can't wait to see them all come together. I also can't wait to hear about what He's been doing in everyone else's lives. One of my favorite things these days is to get your emails or notes about that sort of thing.
I have been praying a lot for everyone who reads this and feel it's important we all remember there's no prayer to big or too small for God. If you have faith the size of a mustard seed you can move mountains in His name! If you have a stupid stubbed toe that's driving you crazy, He will relieve that too! Don't insult our creator by keeping Him locked up until you finally find something you can't do on your own. This is His world, we are His people. Believe what He says, today and always. Let Him comfort you today. Let Him wipe your tears and blow the ashes off your lovely face. Accept the crown of beauty He has for you. You deserve it, not because of who you are or what you've done, but because you are His child. Now, and forevermore.
Isaiah 61:1-3
The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
BEST DAY SO FAR
Chemo treatment #4. The best I expected was to go in quickly, hear my lump is very small and get a quick dose of the "red devil juice" (they call it that, I don't). I was already excited because after this I have just 12 weeks of a gentler drug.
God had better plans for me today. I asked Dr. Rassam about his recommendation for my surgery and out of nowhere he mentioned that it might turn out that I actually have stage 3 instead of stage 4 cancer! That is literally the difference between a death sentence and a curable illness! We scheduled a PET scan for Thursday (1/26), and I will get the results within a week after that. I'm so excited, so excited, so excited.
I know some of you will think it's a bad idea for me to be excited about this, because I should actually expect the worst. However, I don't think that's biblical. How can I have all this hope and joy but stifle it in case I get disappointed? First of all, I would be doing that just to protect myself. I don't need protecting, that's God's job! Ps 127:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm--He will watch over your life." I also don't want to think it will be bad because that's a lack of faith. I believe God will heal me. I don't know that this is the start of it, but it very well could be. There are many cases in which this happens. Instead of sudden healing, it's gradual, with restaging to lower and lower stages until it's gone,. Then the doctors say it was due to misdiagnoses. In my case, three oncologists reviewed the case and told me unequivically, "there is a 0% chance you will be cured of cancer". We'll know the truth--that God healed me.
Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, but I'm hoping and praying that it will. This is THE time I need everyone we can to pray. I know it's selfish but I also know a ton of people have offered and are praying already, so this is really specific. At this point, it's the most important, time-sensitive prayer I've ever had. This could be the beginning of my healing! Please, please pray and ask those people you have praying for us that: the results of the next PET scan will accurately demonstrate that there is no cancer beyond my breasts. My lungs, spine, and all other bones and organs are entirely cancer free. I'm so very hopeful that God will choose now to answer this prayer. Please remember that this is the time to BELIEVE God will answer. James 1:6 "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That belief is called faith, and James 5:15 says, " And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."
Many thanks for the prayers and support, I love you all!
God had better plans for me today. I asked Dr. Rassam about his recommendation for my surgery and out of nowhere he mentioned that it might turn out that I actually have stage 3 instead of stage 4 cancer! That is literally the difference between a death sentence and a curable illness! We scheduled a PET scan for Thursday (1/26), and I will get the results within a week after that. I'm so excited, so excited, so excited.
I know some of you will think it's a bad idea for me to be excited about this, because I should actually expect the worst. However, I don't think that's biblical. How can I have all this hope and joy but stifle it in case I get disappointed? First of all, I would be doing that just to protect myself. I don't need protecting, that's God's job! Ps 127:7 says, "The Lord will keep you from all harm--He will watch over your life." I also don't want to think it will be bad because that's a lack of faith. I believe God will heal me. I don't know that this is the start of it, but it very well could be. There are many cases in which this happens. Instead of sudden healing, it's gradual, with restaging to lower and lower stages until it's gone,. Then the doctors say it was due to misdiagnoses. In my case, three oncologists reviewed the case and told me unequivically, "there is a 0% chance you will be cured of cancer". We'll know the truth--that God healed me.
Anyway, it hasn't happened yet, but I'm hoping and praying that it will. This is THE time I need everyone we can to pray. I know it's selfish but I also know a ton of people have offered and are praying already, so this is really specific. At this point, it's the most important, time-sensitive prayer I've ever had. This could be the beginning of my healing! Please, please pray and ask those people you have praying for us that: the results of the next PET scan will accurately demonstrate that there is no cancer beyond my breasts. My lungs, spine, and all other bones and organs are entirely cancer free. I'm so very hopeful that God will choose now to answer this prayer. Please remember that this is the time to BELIEVE God will answer. James 1:6 "But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." That belief is called faith, and James 5:15 says, " And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven."
Many thanks for the prayers and support, I love you all!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Children
Abi turned four today! I am thrilled to have known and raised the most amazing little girl this whole time. It is a complete honor and I can't wait to see how the next four pan out.
I was praying this morning about precious Abigail and what a blessing she has been, and got to thinking about how we all should have faith like little children. Matthew 18:3 says, "Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven". Abi sets an amazing example of faith--no bad things have gotten in the way of her belief or tainted her pure, unadulterated passions. She doesn't understand everything about God or Jesus, but she does believe the truth about what they've done for us. She doesn't know the extent of my illness, but she believes Jesus will heal me.
So if I am to be like a child in my faith, I will take the living word of God and believe what it says. There are many examples in the Bible of Jesus healing people. In fact, it happens nonstop in the new testament, not just one in a million times. I am aware that Jesus didn't heal everyone, but using that as an excuse for unbelief contradicts behaving like a child. The Bible doesn't refer to all the sick people off somewhere who Jesus ignored, people just grow up and realize there must have been some, then put God in a box accordingly. I don't think that's the point of having faith like a little child. The point is you don't need to overanalyze everything, or let common sense (which is actually learned by life experience) get in the way. To be like a child you just do it now and ask questions later.
Matthew 21:22 says, "If you believe, you will receive anything you ask for in prayer." 1 John 5:14 adds, "now this is the confidence we have in him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He will answer us." In John 14:13-14 Jesus said "And I will do whatever you ask in my name so that the father will be glorified in the son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
So, I'm tossing out about 28 years of jaded, biased, negative thinking and getting back to the faith I might have had when I was 4. I will keep praying, and most importantly, believing, that I will be healed. Cured, actually. Not by doctors, not by diet, but by God Almighty. By the sovereign God whose wrath I deserve but will not face. "Be exalted, O Lord. We will sing and praise your power." (Ps 21:13)
I was praying this morning about precious Abigail and what a blessing she has been, and got to thinking about how we all should have faith like little children. Matthew 18:3 says, "Truly I say to you, unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven". Abi sets an amazing example of faith--no bad things have gotten in the way of her belief or tainted her pure, unadulterated passions. She doesn't understand everything about God or Jesus, but she does believe the truth about what they've done for us. She doesn't know the extent of my illness, but she believes Jesus will heal me.
So if I am to be like a child in my faith, I will take the living word of God and believe what it says. There are many examples in the Bible of Jesus healing people. In fact, it happens nonstop in the new testament, not just one in a million times. I am aware that Jesus didn't heal everyone, but using that as an excuse for unbelief contradicts behaving like a child. The Bible doesn't refer to all the sick people off somewhere who Jesus ignored, people just grow up and realize there must have been some, then put God in a box accordingly. I don't think that's the point of having faith like a little child. The point is you don't need to overanalyze everything, or let common sense (which is actually learned by life experience) get in the way. To be like a child you just do it now and ask questions later.
Matthew 21:22 says, "If you believe, you will receive anything you ask for in prayer." 1 John 5:14 adds, "now this is the confidence we have in him, that if we ask anything according to His will, He will answer us." In John 14:13-14 Jesus said "And I will do whatever you ask in my name so that the father will be glorified in the son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.
So, I'm tossing out about 28 years of jaded, biased, negative thinking and getting back to the faith I might have had when I was 4. I will keep praying, and most importantly, believing, that I will be healed. Cured, actually. Not by doctors, not by diet, but by God Almighty. By the sovereign God whose wrath I deserve but will not face. "Be exalted, O Lord. We will sing and praise your power." (Ps 21:13)
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Summary
Thanks to all for the prayers, support and encouragement. It really helps and I wanted to update everyone as much as possible...
I realize plenty of you might think I'm about to die. You might think I'm crazy because I think the matter is still open. However, I'm still alive and am not going anywhere. Nothing changed in Texas, there were actually a few positives. For one, we found a third doctor who agreed with the treatment I'm receiving. That's apparently unheard of. For another, I have the blessing of a closed door. I don't have to consider going back there, making the decision of switching treatments or doctors, etc.
So, the case about men finding a cure for me is closed. In less than two months I've gone from thinking I'm fully healthy to being told time and again that I am about to die. I don't accept that though. I embrace that as evidence that no one on earth has the power to heal me. What I hear is actually these learned men declaring, "I have nothing for you. Don't put your faith in me. I am worthless, go elsewhere." They are right about that, and I'm so grateful for the discernment. I don't need to get confused about who to trust or follow. My guy says, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”(John 8:12)
I have spent a lot of time over the past few months praying for God to tell me if He will heal me before I die or wait until after. I believe He has officially confirmed His answer--His lips are sealed. Until now I have found this issue of not knowing to be the worst part, but I'm peaceful about it now.
I have peace about this silence for a few reasons. For one, throughout history God has been silent for our own good. He didn't tell Job that he'd suffer for a given length of time then heal him. He let him suffer, watched his response, then restored him. He told Abraham He'd be the father of nations, but didn't tell him how that would pan out. Again, Abraham's belief in the promise was credited to him as righteousness. Even Jesus, who was all God and all man cried out for release from his circumstances and said God forsook Him, but again the all-knowing father didn't just tell him how it would work out. Finally, Mark 13:32 reminds us that God doesn't tell anyone, even His son, when heaven and earth will pass away. So, I do not blame God for leaving little old me without answers.
Mark 13:32-36 clarifies that we cannot know when the end will come because the unknown will keep us alert. This is a reason I believe He is keeping me from knowing what is going on. If I knew I'd be healed soon I might lose focus on Him, and if I knew I was about to die I'd probably stop spreading His word to go inward. Plus, He has to see how I will handle all this. If I knew I'd be healed next month I would be able to handle this situation with such grace and ease. Wow, I would be amazing!
The truth is, I can't change God's mind. Romans 9:15 and Mal 1:2-3 says, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion". However, time and time again Jesus told us to bring our requests to Him so that's what I'm doing. And I do know He will heal me, it's just that it could be on earth or it could be when I'm fully restored in heaven.
In the end, God has opted not to tell me what will happen today, tomorrow, next year, or in the next decade. That's okay. He's watching my response and that is something I can foresee: I will act in faith, I will pursue Him, try to please Him, and praise His name until my last day.
I realize plenty of you might think I'm about to die. You might think I'm crazy because I think the matter is still open. However, I'm still alive and am not going anywhere. Nothing changed in Texas, there were actually a few positives. For one, we found a third doctor who agreed with the treatment I'm receiving. That's apparently unheard of. For another, I have the blessing of a closed door. I don't have to consider going back there, making the decision of switching treatments or doctors, etc.
So, the case about men finding a cure for me is closed. In less than two months I've gone from thinking I'm fully healthy to being told time and again that I am about to die. I don't accept that though. I embrace that as evidence that no one on earth has the power to heal me. What I hear is actually these learned men declaring, "I have nothing for you. Don't put your faith in me. I am worthless, go elsewhere." They are right about that, and I'm so grateful for the discernment. I don't need to get confused about who to trust or follow. My guy says, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”(John 8:12)
I have spent a lot of time over the past few months praying for God to tell me if He will heal me before I die or wait until after. I believe He has officially confirmed His answer--His lips are sealed. Until now I have found this issue of not knowing to be the worst part, but I'm peaceful about it now.
I have peace about this silence for a few reasons. For one, throughout history God has been silent for our own good. He didn't tell Job that he'd suffer for a given length of time then heal him. He let him suffer, watched his response, then restored him. He told Abraham He'd be the father of nations, but didn't tell him how that would pan out. Again, Abraham's belief in the promise was credited to him as righteousness. Even Jesus, who was all God and all man cried out for release from his circumstances and said God forsook Him, but again the all-knowing father didn't just tell him how it would work out. Finally, Mark 13:32 reminds us that God doesn't tell anyone, even His son, when heaven and earth will pass away. So, I do not blame God for leaving little old me without answers.
Mark 13:32-36 clarifies that we cannot know when the end will come because the unknown will keep us alert. This is a reason I believe He is keeping me from knowing what is going on. If I knew I'd be healed soon I might lose focus on Him, and if I knew I was about to die I'd probably stop spreading His word to go inward. Plus, He has to see how I will handle all this. If I knew I'd be healed next month I would be able to handle this situation with such grace and ease. Wow, I would be amazing!
The truth is, I can't change God's mind. Romans 9:15 and Mal 1:2-3 says, "I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion". However, time and time again Jesus told us to bring our requests to Him so that's what I'm doing. And I do know He will heal me, it's just that it could be on earth or it could be when I'm fully restored in heaven.
In the end, God has opted not to tell me what will happen today, tomorrow, next year, or in the next decade. That's okay. He's watching my response and that is something I can foresee: I will act in faith, I will pursue Him, try to please Him, and praise His name until my last day.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Aftermath
Hebrews 3:14, "We have come to share in Christ if we hold firmly till the end the confidence we had at first." Guess what my confidence was at first? "I WILL NOT DIE BUT LIVE AND WILL PROCLAIM WHAT THE LORD HAS DONE" (Psalm 118:17).
So there.
So there.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
More
I'm utterly destroyed. I feel like that woman ripped my heart out, then everyone in the oversized parking garage drove over it. Then instead of returning it all, they laughed and stapled just a segment of the pulverized organ to my ugly bald head and kicked me out the door.
My support system has been great until now, but there's no help for this type of sorrow. God needs to do a serious intervention just to get me through the day. Yaacov too.
That's all.
Psalm 80:4
O Lord, God Almighty. How long will your anger smolder against the prayers of your people? You have fed them with the bread of tears; you have made them drink tears by the bowlful. You have made us a source of contention to our neighbors and our enemies mock us.
Restore us, O God Almighty, make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved.
My support system has been great until now, but there's no help for this type of sorrow. God needs to do a serious intervention just to get me through the day. Yaacov too.
That's all.
Psalm 80:4
O Lord, God Almighty. How long will your anger smolder against the prayers of your people? You have fed them with the bread of tears; you have made them drink tears by the bowlful. You have made us a source of contention to our neighbors and our enemies mock us.
Restore us, O God Almighty, make your face shine upon us, that we may be saved.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Texas
We got in last night, right before a storm. It started this morning, just in time for my appointments at MD Anderson. There was a tornado watch and flooding everywhere. The signage here is awful so I trudged through the rain (without an umbrella) for half an hour before finding the place. Soaked and frozen, I texted with friends that it could only get better.
I was wrong.
Now that I've lost my hair, at my best I feel like a hideously disfigured clown, so it wasn't hard for the cruel doctors to crush what was left of my spirit. Still, they did everything in their power to make sure I was utterly devastated. It worked. First, the nurse practitioner met with me and told me there was no point in my ever having surgery to remove my tumor, because I'm going to die of cancer anyway. Then the esteemed Dr. Litton came in with two witnesses to drive it home. "Don't look at this like chemo will be done in 6 months and the you'll move on. Think of it like you're chronically ill and maybe you'll be on chemo until you die." When I became teary eyed she pursed her lips, tilted her head in an exaggeration motion and said without emotion, "I know." Just like she learned from reading the back of an empathy book. I didn't bother taking notes on all the helpful tidbits she shared, but she repeated them all for me so I wouldn't forget or get confused. "I would hate to give you false hope...our goal is not remission, it is just to control it... Metastatic means it spread. If it hadn't spread, it would be different...cancer is smarter than us..." Then she sent me on my way.
I wish I had been strong enough to say something awesome about how God is smarter than her and cancer. Instead I thanked her profusely. Then I ran to our rented minivan and sobbed until I was dry heaving. The agony and profound sadness I felt was incomprehensible. I knew there was a chance there wouldn't be good news here, but I didn't need to drag my family over here to be pounded with negativity. And why on earth did I feel such peace and joy about coming here?
I'm barely even breathing so haven't worked much out yet, but the general thoughts I have are that God gave me the excitement about coming so 1) I would come and 2) I would feel hope when I needed it. Maybe for some reason when the trip came together, God knew I really needed that good news. And of course there is a time for every season, "A time to weep, and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance..." (Ecc 3:4).
A pessimist might think I'm here to learn that I'm going to die. But I don't see a point in that. I've heard it before, and don't see why I would need to go through all this hassle to get it engrained in me. It is well-documented that people with the most positive outlooks stay healthier and respond better to treatment, so I'm going to reject the hypothesis that God would send me here to learn to shut up and die. Instead, I'm going to consider it more documentation that humans aren't responsible for my imminent, total, (unexpected to the medical community) healing. Selah!
Before my appointment, God showed me a verse I now think pertains to these doctors trying to get me down. I'm going to cling to when I get upset about this experience: Col 2:8 "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ."
Please note that Yaacov and I are trying hard, but this one is still a pretty deep wound. If people are looking for something to pray about, I would really appreciate a focus on lifting our spirits. I very much appreciate all the prayers so far, and we'll continue to pray for supernatural healing as evidenced in my next PET scan (didn't have one here yet but probably will in Tallahassee in the next month or so).
We were scheduled to be here through Friday, but I'm done here so we're going back in the morning.
Jeremiah 14: 19
"Have you rejected Judah (Erin) completely? Do you despise Zion (the Petschers)? Why have you afflicted us so that we cannot be healed? We hoped for peace but no good has come, for a time of healing but there is only terror. We acknowledge our wickedness, Lord, and the guilt of our ancestors; we have indeed sinned against you. For the sake of your name do not despise us; do not dishonor your glorious throne. Remember your covenant with us and do not break it. Do any of the worthless idols of the nations bring rain? Do the skies themselves send down showers? No, it is you, Lord, our God. Therefore our hope is in you, for you are the one who does all this."
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Preparing for good news
Today was slightly better, physically, but it was another awful day. I know I need to get out of this downward spiral before it's too late, but I don't really want to. I want to feel sorry for myself and post a list of every bad thing that happened today so that everyone who reads this will feel sorry for me too. Oh, and I want to eat a huge brownie sundae while I do it... I deserve it, right?
One of the worst things about knowing what the Bible says is that I have no excuse to make bad choices. Not that I'm a Bible expert, but I can't plead ignorance on this. When I committed my life to Christ I knew that I didn't deserve His love, sacrifice, or forgiveness, but He gave it freely. Just because times are tough now I can't waste time acting like some poor victim who deserves better. I certainly can't break all the rules and blame it on my circumstances. For the record, the rules I'm referring to now re: 1) Say positive things ["A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." (Luke 6:45), "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." (Proverbs 18:21)] and 2) Focus on God instead of myself [Colossians 3:1 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." (Col 3:1-2).
When I started this post I was ready to go on and on until I convinced myself to cheer up. But God already took care of it. I feel fine now. The piddly things that were bugging me are gone. So, I guess I'll quit while I'm ahead. We're going to pack in the AM then leave for Texas. I hope to blog frequently from there but am not sure about the internet access. I am ready, ready, ready for some good news and look forward to sharing it on here as soon as I get it.
Farewell for now, friends! Thanks for caring and praying, I love you all!
One of the worst things about knowing what the Bible says is that I have no excuse to make bad choices. Not that I'm a Bible expert, but I can't plead ignorance on this. When I committed my life to Christ I knew that I didn't deserve His love, sacrifice, or forgiveness, but He gave it freely. Just because times are tough now I can't waste time acting like some poor victim who deserves better. I certainly can't break all the rules and blame it on my circumstances. For the record, the rules I'm referring to now re: 1) Say positive things ["A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of." (Luke 6:45), "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." (Proverbs 18:21)] and 2) Focus on God instead of myself [Colossians 3:1 "Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on earthly things." (Col 3:1-2).
When I started this post I was ready to go on and on until I convinced myself to cheer up. But God already took care of it. I feel fine now. The piddly things that were bugging me are gone. So, I guess I'll quit while I'm ahead. We're going to pack in the AM then leave for Texas. I hope to blog frequently from there but am not sure about the internet access. I am ready, ready, ready for some good news and look forward to sharing it on here as soon as I get it.
Farewell for now, friends! Thanks for caring and praying, I love you all!
Friday, January 6, 2012
Today
This was a really crummy day. I am much sicker than usual and for the first time in my life, felt like a freak. It really stinks.
Nothing has changed, God is still good, there is still a reason for all of this, and I'm still the most blessed person I know. It's harder than usual to buy into these truths right now though.
Hebrews 12:28-29 "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”
Nothing has changed, God is still good, there is still a reason for all of this, and I'm still the most blessed person I know. It's harder than usual to buy into these truths right now though.
Hebrews 12:28-29 "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our God is a consuming fire.”
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Ragnar
Data Driven is an awesome team of 11 friends who are running a 200 mile relay race (Ragnar) from Miami to Key West. I believe they took off today and I think it takes a few days. Please be praying for their health, stamina and safety during the difficult journey. They run all through the night and I'm guessing some will do so while crossing bridges and hopping over alligators and snakes. Not only are the runners friends of ours, but they also dedicated the fundraising part of their run to us. Last I knew they raised something like $9000 and we are so very, very grateful.
If you want to keep up with their race you can add them on Facebook (Data Driven), or follow their blog at http://datadriven2012.wordpress.com/.
"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.Hebrews 12:1b-2a"
If you want to keep up with their race you can add them on Facebook (Data Driven), or follow their blog at http://datadriven2012.wordpress.com/.
"And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.Hebrews 12:1b-2a"
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Dayenu--Treatment 3
Our family celebrates Passover the way Jesus did, and there are always eye openers about how certain components of it were fulfilled by Him. Parts of it get boring and feel ritualistic because I'm a sinner with a short attention span. However, throughout this cancer process (I really need a good word for it!) I have often prayed "Dayenu" and thought of that part of the passover.
Dayenu means "we would have been satisfied", and the head of the household reads a list of awesome things God did for the jewish people and the people in turn cheer, "Dayenu!" to indicate that what He did was more than enough for us. Of course, we are all sinners so those are just words. We know from experience that no matter what we say, we forget the awesome things God does frequently. For example, "No sooner had Gideon died than the Israelites again prostituted themselves to the Baals. They set up Baal-Berith as their god and did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hands of all their enemies on every side." (Judges 8:33-35)
It's a little late to type the list of 14 examples of what He did from our Haggadah, and there's no magic number to it anyway. But an example is, "If He had merely rescued us from Egypt, but had not punished the Egyptians, DAYENU". I am so touched by the Lord's mercy and love I'm going to make my own list.I added a few extras because God is that good.
"If He had merely saved my soul but left me without a partner, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Yaacov but left me without children, DAYENU"
"If He had blessed me with Abigail for even a day, but hadn't given me 4 years with her, DAYENU"
"If He had given me Naomi but gave me less than 9 months with her, DAYENU"
"If He had put friends and family in my life but not allowed us to grow together from an advanced cancer diagnosis, DAYENU"
"If He had moved my Dr. Perry to order an ultrasound for my lump, but it was left with a false negative and thus shorter life, DAYENU"
"If He had Dr. Perry refer me for a surgical consultation, but didn't have Neenad tell me it should be with Dr. Crooms, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Dr. Crooms but didn't get him to secure a proper diagnosis so quickly, DAYENU"
"If He had merely allowed satan to threaten my life but chose not to give me the warnings, DAYENU"
"If He had given me the warnings via proper diagnoses, but didn't get me to Dr. Rassam, DAYENU"
"If He had convinced us to go to the hospital in Texas but did not secure insurance approval, DAYENU"
"If He had secured insurance approval but not a fundraiser to help with other expenses, DAYENU"
"If He had moved people to raise funds for us but it was no incredibly successful, DAYENU""If He had helped me cover my head but not to overcome the shame from losing my hair, DAYENU"
"If He had allowed me to go through chemo but hadn't made my tumor shrink 2 cm, DAYENU"
"If He had just comforted me through three rounds of the worst type of chemo but didn't make me feel better than ever, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SATISFIED!"
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Psalm 150:1
Dayenu means "we would have been satisfied", and the head of the household reads a list of awesome things God did for the jewish people and the people in turn cheer, "Dayenu!" to indicate that what He did was more than enough for us. Of course, we are all sinners so those are just words. We know from experience that no matter what we say, we forget the awesome things God does frequently. For example, "No sooner had Gideon died than the Israelites again prostituted themselves to the Baals. They set up Baal-Berith as their god and did not remember the LORD their God, who had rescued them from the hands of all their enemies on every side." (Judges 8:33-35)
It's a little late to type the list of 14 examples of what He did from our Haggadah, and there's no magic number to it anyway. But an example is, "If He had merely rescued us from Egypt, but had not punished the Egyptians, DAYENU". I am so touched by the Lord's mercy and love I'm going to make my own list.I added a few extras because God is that good.
"If He had merely saved my soul but left me without a partner, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Yaacov but left me without children, DAYENU"
"If He had blessed me with Abigail for even a day, but hadn't given me 4 years with her, DAYENU"
"If He had given me Naomi but gave me less than 9 months with her, DAYENU"
"If He had put friends and family in my life but not allowed us to grow together from an advanced cancer diagnosis, DAYENU"
"If He had moved my Dr. Perry to order an ultrasound for my lump, but it was left with a false negative and thus shorter life, DAYENU"
"If He had Dr. Perry refer me for a surgical consultation, but didn't have Neenad tell me it should be with Dr. Crooms, DAYENU"
"If He had introduced me to Dr. Crooms but didn't get him to secure a proper diagnosis so quickly, DAYENU"
"If He had merely allowed satan to threaten my life but chose not to give me the warnings, DAYENU"
"If He had given me the warnings via proper diagnoses, but didn't get me to Dr. Rassam, DAYENU"
"If He had convinced us to go to the hospital in Texas but did not secure insurance approval, DAYENU"
"If He had secured insurance approval but not a fundraiser to help with other expenses, DAYENU"
"If He had moved people to raise funds for us but it was no incredibly successful, DAYENU""If He had helped me cover my head but not to overcome the shame from losing my hair, DAYENU"
"If He had allowed me to go through chemo but hadn't made my tumor shrink 2 cm, DAYENU"
"If He had just comforted me through three rounds of the worst type of chemo but didn't make me feel better than ever, WE WOULD HAVE BEEN SATISFIED!"
Praise the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Psalm 150:1
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