This whole time I've felt so fortunate that our kids were young when dealing with the cancer. I hated hearing I could die before they'd be old enough to remember me, but it was so much easier than having to deal with the emotions and questions that an older child would have posed. Or, so I thought. It's been almost a year since the diagnosis and the toll it's taken on Abigail has finally become apparent.We tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible during treatment, but obviously we didn't succeed. Everything changed, as it had to. She was only 3 when the doctors first started telling me I was going to die, so she hadn't been through anything difficult. Nor did she have any clue what sickness, cancer, or death were. Added to that, she used to only see Grandpa for holidays, and suddenly he was here full-time, babysitting several times per week. Then he moved away and Grandma moved down. Now she's going to preschool every day, but I drag her to doctors or leave her with sitters at least once a week. She was a trooper through all of it and I thought she was unscathed--a few months ago she said she'd never seen me cry. Clearly she had forgotten the low times from last year, like when she'd begged me to go just one day without crying.
Well, my treatments have been done since June, but the aftermath has just begun. And worsening. I've had to leave overnight a few times and it sets off really bad behavior. She's also having nightmares and outrageously naughty behavior at school. Anytime I will be away from her she wants to know exactly what I'm doing and I have to promise I'll be back. Most issues seem to involve control--she wants it--so we're trying to help her feel super secure but still teach her that she isn't the boss.
I'm blaming cancer for ruining my child, but I might have done it myself. I'm a behavior analyst, how did I end up with the child who behaves so badly at school? There's nothing innately "different" about her, I really believe this is a nurture (not nature) issue. We're praying a lot about her behavior but don't know what to do. Maybe we're reading too much into it, and she is noncompliant because I gave her way too many choices until now. And now she thinks she should always have the chance to have some sort of "say" in what she does.
I don't like either of these hypotheses. So much of my fight against cancer was because I didn't trust God to raise them without me. I'm not sure I ever admitted that before. And now it turns out I don't know what I'm doing anyway. Awesome.
It will all work out, we just need to trust God with everything, and wait on Him for how to proceed. So much of parenting seems time-sensitive, but it will be better if I focus on being God-sensitive instead. God did one of the nicest things ever for me, and I'm going to focus on that: This morning I could not stop singing this song about trusting the Lord. Then I realized I was promising to trust Him but not really meaning it. I started to pray about it but got interrupted and figured I'd think about it more later. Instead, I checked my email and a friend had written to me about how she had this vision while she was praying for me (not about Abi, just generally). She could see anguish, doubt, and fear filling up my cup. Then those things were poured out and trust replaced it. Isn't that awesome? I often joke about how easy it would be to do what God wants if He would just send me a to-do list. This time He basicallly did! He made sure I got an email with His message, "TRUST ME".
People have had dreams and visions a few times for me before, but never anything so specific and timely. I take it as a HUGE honor, that He would do something so bold and clear to get through to me. It must be very important, and those are all issues I've been having. I can't tell you the comfort I get from how personal that message is. So, I will trust Him. God is mightier than my mistakes. I will trust Him today. And tomorrow.
Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Deut 1:30-32, "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God
carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. "
Friday, September 28, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Lots of Updates
There are so many updates to share that I might not get to anything juicy today. I'm having a hard time getting my act together this fall. I took on too much so am always either overly busy, or so overwhelmed that I shut down.
I just got back from Jacksonville, where the latest FABA conference was held. That is the Florida Association for Behavior Analysis, and I haven't been there in two years. I used to work for the company and have very few fond memories from it, meaning that I was losing sleep about going. In many ways it was as bad as I expected--it was the first time I'd seen all these people since before my diagnosis, so some people were weird to me and others didn't recognize me. As a result of that and several other variables, I feel much more socially awkward than before. I noticed I had virtually nothing to say to people, so sometimes even avoided conversations rather than risking sounding stupid. My hair has grown in nicely but is currently at an awkward length, so tons of people who didn't know about the cancer stuff talked about it. They said they liked it, but I am repulsive so doubt they meant it. Those talks generally turned into an awkward cancer conversation. I tried to avoid it, but people would keep asking why or when I cut it, so I had to say something. It gave me a great chance to tell people about how I was miraculously healed, but..I wasn't really in the mood. I just wanted things to be normal again. I don't actually want to be the one sitting around the coffee station telling them how I'm supposed to die soon. They just wanted to get a packet of Splenda and make small talk. They didn't want the girl with bad hair to remind them of how mortal they are.
The highlights of the conference were when people (some were barely acquaintanes) pulled me aside to say how moved they were by my story. Some said they grew closer to God through it and, as I've mentioned many times, that makes it totally worth it. So, I need to focus on that.
There are other bits of recent good news, too. I saw Dr. Rassam before I left town and he said he's not going by the book with me anymore, because I'm atypical. So, he's sparing me the radiation that goes into regular PET/CT scans and instead will just get me tested if I have symptoms. He took my blood and all my markers were negative again.
I was interviewed for the Tallahassee Democrat (our local newspaper) last week. They are focusing on breast cancer stories throughout October, which is BC Awareness month. I did a written interview, then the reporter took a video of me sharing the story to be posted online. Wouldn't you know--I royally messed up the video report. I misspoke and had weird, nervous inflections. So, I went home and prayed about it. Then a week later the guy emailed a big apology--the video somehow was messed up so he needed to reshoot it!!!! Coincidence? "Sure". The second time went a lot better and I'm excited about it, because most of the stories will not have the same message of hope that mine does.
I do have to report some bad news, too. Both of the people I requested prayer for reccently, Angela Faddis, and Steve Kalogeras, have passed away. Those are the first unanswered prayers out of all the ones I've posted. Steve died almost 2 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. Angela survived a few weeks longer than expected but died yesterday of colon cancer. She was my age. Her husband had quit his job to take care of her. They set up an in-home hospice and her little children were with her until the end. I am so saddened by this. She loved the Lord and is with Him for eternity, but I know she didn't want to die. Not at the first anyway. I imagine that by the end you kind of want to put the rest of the family out of their misery. That's the worst part of the hospice stuff, to me.
I'm still wrestling with this issue of whether everyone can be healed on earth. I can't get past it, because it changes the whole perspective. Most say no, but some of those who think it so are those who then are healed. My take home message from being healed is that God healed me because a) we all asked and b) I (with at least a few others) believed that He would answer. That His word is literal and true. His word says to pray and believe it will be done and it WILL be. Literally, it will be done. For me, it was done. For Angela, it was not done, and I have a hard time with it. I won't presume that it's because she and her family didn't believe she would be healed, because that's almost like blaming them for her death. I guess it goes back (again) to that stuff I keep mentioning about God putting desires in your heart, and that's how you pray. But if that such an important thing, why is it barely mentioned in the Bible? It says TONS of time to pray and believe. It barely says that God gives you the desires of your heart, and that could sort of be interpreted differently.
I guess that is it. Enough sad and confusing issues for one day. This year at BSF we're studying Genesis so I'll probably bring in points relative to that. For now, remember that He created the heavens and the earth (Gen 1:1). He created each of us. Planned it all. Formed us in our wombs. Why? For His glory. It's individualized because we're all different people, but we are all working together. Every move we make should be pleasing to Him, even if it means living like an alien in this strange land.
"They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead--Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath." 1 Thess 1:9-10
I just got back from Jacksonville, where the latest FABA conference was held. That is the Florida Association for Behavior Analysis, and I haven't been there in two years. I used to work for the company and have very few fond memories from it, meaning that I was losing sleep about going. In many ways it was as bad as I expected--it was the first time I'd seen all these people since before my diagnosis, so some people were weird to me and others didn't recognize me. As a result of that and several other variables, I feel much more socially awkward than before. I noticed I had virtually nothing to say to people, so sometimes even avoided conversations rather than risking sounding stupid. My hair has grown in nicely but is currently at an awkward length, so tons of people who didn't know about the cancer stuff talked about it. They said they liked it, but I am repulsive so doubt they meant it. Those talks generally turned into an awkward cancer conversation. I tried to avoid it, but people would keep asking why or when I cut it, so I had to say something. It gave me a great chance to tell people about how I was miraculously healed, but..I wasn't really in the mood. I just wanted things to be normal again. I don't actually want to be the one sitting around the coffee station telling them how I'm supposed to die soon. They just wanted to get a packet of Splenda and make small talk. They didn't want the girl with bad hair to remind them of how mortal they are.
The highlights of the conference were when people (some were barely acquaintanes) pulled me aside to say how moved they were by my story. Some said they grew closer to God through it and, as I've mentioned many times, that makes it totally worth it. So, I need to focus on that.
There are other bits of recent good news, too. I saw Dr. Rassam before I left town and he said he's not going by the book with me anymore, because I'm atypical. So, he's sparing me the radiation that goes into regular PET/CT scans and instead will just get me tested if I have symptoms. He took my blood and all my markers were negative again.
I was interviewed for the Tallahassee Democrat (our local newspaper) last week. They are focusing on breast cancer stories throughout October, which is BC Awareness month. I did a written interview, then the reporter took a video of me sharing the story to be posted online. Wouldn't you know--I royally messed up the video report. I misspoke and had weird, nervous inflections. So, I went home and prayed about it. Then a week later the guy emailed a big apology--the video somehow was messed up so he needed to reshoot it!!!! Coincidence? "Sure". The second time went a lot better and I'm excited about it, because most of the stories will not have the same message of hope that mine does.
I do have to report some bad news, too. Both of the people I requested prayer for reccently, Angela Faddis, and Steve Kalogeras, have passed away. Those are the first unanswered prayers out of all the ones I've posted. Steve died almost 2 weeks ago and the funeral was last week. Angela survived a few weeks longer than expected but died yesterday of colon cancer. She was my age. Her husband had quit his job to take care of her. They set up an in-home hospice and her little children were with her until the end. I am so saddened by this. She loved the Lord and is with Him for eternity, but I know she didn't want to die. Not at the first anyway. I imagine that by the end you kind of want to put the rest of the family out of their misery. That's the worst part of the hospice stuff, to me.
I'm still wrestling with this issue of whether everyone can be healed on earth. I can't get past it, because it changes the whole perspective. Most say no, but some of those who think it so are those who then are healed. My take home message from being healed is that God healed me because a) we all asked and b) I (with at least a few others) believed that He would answer. That His word is literal and true. His word says to pray and believe it will be done and it WILL be. Literally, it will be done. For me, it was done. For Angela, it was not done, and I have a hard time with it. I won't presume that it's because she and her family didn't believe she would be healed, because that's almost like blaming them for her death. I guess it goes back (again) to that stuff I keep mentioning about God putting desires in your heart, and that's how you pray. But if that such an important thing, why is it barely mentioned in the Bible? It says TONS of time to pray and believe. It barely says that God gives you the desires of your heart, and that could sort of be interpreted differently.
I guess that is it. Enough sad and confusing issues for one day. This year at BSF we're studying Genesis so I'll probably bring in points relative to that. For now, remember that He created the heavens and the earth (Gen 1:1). He created each of us. Planned it all. Formed us in our wombs. Why? For His glory. It's individualized because we're all different people, but we are all working together. Every move we make should be pleasing to Him, even if it means living like an alien in this strange land.
"They tell how you turned to God from idols to serve the living and true God, and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead--Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath." 1 Thess 1:9-10
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Important, time-sensitive prayers
Just a quick update on a few important people.
Please, please pray for these dire situations. The good news is that the Lord heals people all the time. The bad news is that these people are really, really sick. I will be fasting tomorrow for them and would appreciate if anyone who feels led to do so joins me in that and/or praying.
The first is a young mother named Angela Faddis. She has a popular page on Facebook so you might have heard of her. I believe she has two young children and stage 4 colon cancer. One week ago the doctors told her husband she would be dead within hours. She is is still alive right now. I am going to pray for a full and immediate recovery. That the cancer recedes and never returns. That she regains her strength, mental faculties, and recovers from all damage caused by the horrendous disease. I know it's unlikely, and that part of life is death, but this is God we're talking about. He might not "need" people like her around, but guess what? The rest of us do! She and her family are kind, loving, faithful people devoted to the Lord and we need more of those around.
"Yahweh will sustain him on his sickbed, and restore him from his bed of illness." Ps 41:3
The other is my friend's dad. I just realized I don't know his name. If I remember right, he has a heart condition that started from being shot when he was a police officier. He's had several close calls in the hospital over the past few years, including briefly dying at least once. He is in a hospital in Miami now, in critical condition. His heart is only working 5% on its own. It's very bad so please pray a lot for him and the Kalogeras/McDermott families.
"And the prayer of faith will restore the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up to health, and if he has committed sins, they shall be forgotten." James 5:15
Please, please pray for these dire situations. The good news is that the Lord heals people all the time. The bad news is that these people are really, really sick. I will be fasting tomorrow for them and would appreciate if anyone who feels led to do so joins me in that and/or praying.
The first is a young mother named Angela Faddis. She has a popular page on Facebook so you might have heard of her. I believe she has two young children and stage 4 colon cancer. One week ago the doctors told her husband she would be dead within hours. She is is still alive right now. I am going to pray for a full and immediate recovery. That the cancer recedes and never returns. That she regains her strength, mental faculties, and recovers from all damage caused by the horrendous disease. I know it's unlikely, and that part of life is death, but this is God we're talking about. He might not "need" people like her around, but guess what? The rest of us do! She and her family are kind, loving, faithful people devoted to the Lord and we need more of those around.
"Yahweh will sustain him on his sickbed, and restore him from his bed of illness." Ps 41:3
The other is my friend's dad. I just realized I don't know his name. If I remember right, he has a heart condition that started from being shot when he was a police officier. He's had several close calls in the hospital over the past few years, including briefly dying at least once. He is in a hospital in Miami now, in critical condition. His heart is only working 5% on its own. It's very bad so please pray a lot for him and the Kalogeras/McDermott families.
"And the prayer of faith will restore the sick man, and the Lord will raise him up to health, and if he has committed sins, they shall be forgotten." James 5:15
Monday, September 3, 2012
Death
I'm close to a breakdown...not sure I can handle this...I just learned someone I knew in college recently died. Of cancer.
Yaacov didn't understand the magnitude of the situation, which means you all reading this probably won't either. That's part of the isolation of the ridiculous disease. Especially in my situation--hardly anyone my age can relate to having a terminal illness at all, because, well, there aren't many of the and they die before we can really "bond". So that stinks, and then when you throw in that I was miraculously healed, it's even harder to find people that "get" it. Not that I'm complaining, really.
There's something about being told time and again that you're going to die soon that changes you. I used to think it was like teaching English as a Second Language--you don't have to speak multiple languages to teach the new one. But I'm pretty sure that in this case you have to live through it or have some really, really, really awesome insight straight from God to get it.
That said, most people don't have the ability to turn from a happy thought into a mess of tears because someone they barely knew is dead. I have that ability, and right now I don't want it. It's like I'm living his death. I already lived my own, you know. It's not much easier this time. If he had died in a car accident or something, I probably wouldn't be too upset. But the second I read "cancer" I knew. I knew what it felt like for Jim to hear the diagnosis for the first time. For him to hope and pray for good test results. To hear bad news instead. To hope and pray for the miracle. Without ever having set foot in a hospice, I knew how it felt to have to move there, knowing it would likely be his last earthly home. Then finally, to hope and pray for a removal of the agony--mental and physical--that the bastard disease caused himself and loved ones.
I couldn't tell you what color his eyes were, but I know exactly how he felt. And I know he wanted to live as much as I did. I know he deserved to live as much as I did. And I know he didn't. And I did.
I'm so sad. Confused. Surprised. Everyone in the body has a part and I always thought mine was minor. I did hope sometimes for a position of higher impact, but life and death with myself as an example is beyond my capabilities. Why aren't I called to be a beacon of hope for something lighter? Simpler? Easier? Less painful, perhaps?
"After he was healed, the man...begged Him that he might be with Him. However, Jesus did not permit him, but said to him, 'Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He had compassion on you." Mark 5:18-19
I am quite certain the scripture above is a direct command for me, so I will keep doing it. It's not particularly hard with the right audience, but what can I say to people grieving from actual loss? "See how healthy I am?!"
I know it sounds so ungrateful to complain, when I'm still alive, but I don't know how many more deaths I can live through. I suppose the point is that I am utterly unable to perform these duties without the help of the Lord, so when I feel this way I'm on the verge of breaking through--become less so He can become more. So, come on then, God! I'm ready to feel numb again.
Saturday, August 25, 2012
Dreaming in Sci-Fi and My Year of Health
Well, this is it. I am 33 today. I am healthy, happy, and cancer-free. I have a perfect family, amazing friends, and a great love-life with our Creator.
Awful things happened this year. Great things happened this year. Things that would change me forever. Things that would remind me that I don't know how long forever actually is.
I am not the same person I was when I turned 32. I am now stronger and bolder, but also weaker and more vulnerable.
Everything about me is older now. I just noticed that my profile picture on Facebook is unrecognizable. I "can't" change the picture because I don't like the updated photos I've been posing for. But the truth is, I don't like the girl I see in those old pictures either. I was so foolish and shallow then. I miss the freedom to live like that, but carry a strong distaste for that lifestyle at the same time. So why can't I say goodbye to her?
Maybe there are deep issues at bay here. Or maybe I haven't fully embraced the two new roles I fell into this year: 1) terminally ill mother of two, and 2) miraculously cured child of God. I don't want to ever go back to the first, but you can't have a former without the latter. Just like I can't go back to the "before" picture of me without dabbling into the "after".
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecc 3:11
As you likely recall, I received my diagnosis at the beginning of the last holiday season. At the time I tried desperately to embrace Thanksgiving and Christmas as gifts of special bonus time I could spend with my family while knowing it would be among my last. Those holidays were HARD. God carried me through them but I can barely keep it together remembering my sorrow. At the time I thought that nothing could ever relieve that sadness for me. That even if somehow God healed my "incurable" cancer, I could never release the heartache of living as if my time was limited. All our time IS limited, no matter what any doctor says. But I am ecstatic to report that while celebrating my day of birth today, I never thought about my day of death. I don't think I'm invincible, but I don't waste my time thinking of how I'm not.
"Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
So, on this day we celebrated my 33 years of life and began a dedicated year of health. It is more than safe to say that Year 32 included the lowest valley of my physical health thus far. There were plenty of things beyond my control, but I can control a lot of physical issues that can make me healthier. Not to make me live longer, God is the one who numbers and knows my days. But I see no reason that I cannot be the healthiest I have ever been this year. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have been praying about and meditating on criteria that would demonstrate those achievements, as well as small daily goals that will help me get there. My tentative decisions are to run a 5K in 23 minutes or less (in peak physical condition before I ran them in about 24 minutes), to write a first draft of my next book (discussed below), and to read the whole Bible with a deeper study than usual. I hope to accomplish these before my next birthday. If God intervenes I will have to change them, but I'll keep working on the daily goals to achieve them on His timeline.
"All this I tested by wisdom and I said, "I am determined to be wise"--but this was beyond me." Ecc 7:23
I rarely remember my dreams, but when I had both children I was awakened so often in the middle of them that I would recall what had been going on. I was so happy then. Time and time again I would wake up in the middle of a "sitcom". It was almost always Seinfeld (which had ended years before), and I was dreaming of entirely new, hilarious story lines. I sometimes couldn't fall asleep from laughing so hard. Times have changed a bit since then...I now dream in Sci-Fi. What's that about? I have two recurring dreams that include tons of supernatural events. Nothing God-related, by the way. I don't know what else to do with them so I've started plotting them out for my next book. I am generally the last person to write Science Fiction, given that I do not read it or typically enjoy such stories. But I plan to write a bit each day and finish at least one draft this year. I will NOT rest until this book is one that I am extremely proud of. I really enjoyed writing my last one, but I was not proud of the end product at all, and that made it impossible to market. So, I'm not going to waste the extra time God gave me on earth, writing some nonsense I can't drag myself to talk up. Anyway, I hope this is the beginning of a fun, new adventure, and I'll keep you posted on the progress.
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
Awful things happened this year. Great things happened this year. Things that would change me forever. Things that would remind me that I don't know how long forever actually is.
I am not the same person I was when I turned 32. I am now stronger and bolder, but also weaker and more vulnerable.
Everything about me is older now. I just noticed that my profile picture on Facebook is unrecognizable. I "can't" change the picture because I don't like the updated photos I've been posing for. But the truth is, I don't like the girl I see in those old pictures either. I was so foolish and shallow then. I miss the freedom to live like that, but carry a strong distaste for that lifestyle at the same time. So why can't I say goodbye to her?
Maybe there are deep issues at bay here. Or maybe I haven't fully embraced the two new roles I fell into this year: 1) terminally ill mother of two, and 2) miraculously cured child of God. I don't want to ever go back to the first, but you can't have a former without the latter. Just like I can't go back to the "before" picture of me without dabbling into the "after".
"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end." Ecc 3:11
As you likely recall, I received my diagnosis at the beginning of the last holiday season. At the time I tried desperately to embrace Thanksgiving and Christmas as gifts of special bonus time I could spend with my family while knowing it would be among my last. Those holidays were HARD. God carried me through them but I can barely keep it together remembering my sorrow. At the time I thought that nothing could ever relieve that sadness for me. That even if somehow God healed my "incurable" cancer, I could never release the heartache of living as if my time was limited. All our time IS limited, no matter what any doctor says. But I am ecstatic to report that while celebrating my day of birth today, I never thought about my day of death. I don't think I'm invincible, but I don't waste my time thinking of how I'm not.
"Man's days are determined; you have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Job 14:5
So, on this day we celebrated my 33 years of life and began a dedicated year of health. It is more than safe to say that Year 32 included the lowest valley of my physical health thus far. There were plenty of things beyond my control, but I can control a lot of physical issues that can make me healthier. Not to make me live longer, God is the one who numbers and knows my days. But I see no reason that I cannot be the healthiest I have ever been this year. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have been praying about and meditating on criteria that would demonstrate those achievements, as well as small daily goals that will help me get there. My tentative decisions are to run a 5K in 23 minutes or less (in peak physical condition before I ran them in about 24 minutes), to write a first draft of my next book (discussed below), and to read the whole Bible with a deeper study than usual. I hope to accomplish these before my next birthday. If God intervenes I will have to change them, but I'll keep working on the daily goals to achieve them on His timeline.
"All this I tested by wisdom and I said, "I am determined to be wise"--but this was beyond me." Ecc 7:23
I rarely remember my dreams, but when I had both children I was awakened so often in the middle of them that I would recall what had been going on. I was so happy then. Time and time again I would wake up in the middle of a "sitcom". It was almost always Seinfeld (which had ended years before), and I was dreaming of entirely new, hilarious story lines. I sometimes couldn't fall asleep from laughing so hard. Times have changed a bit since then...I now dream in Sci-Fi. What's that about? I have two recurring dreams that include tons of supernatural events. Nothing God-related, by the way. I don't know what else to do with them so I've started plotting them out for my next book. I am generally the last person to write Science Fiction, given that I do not read it or typically enjoy such stories. But I plan to write a bit each day and finish at least one draft this year. I will NOT rest until this book is one that I am extremely proud of. I really enjoyed writing my last one, but I was not proud of the end product at all, and that made it impossible to market. So, I'm not going to waste the extra time God gave me on earth, writing some nonsense I can't drag myself to talk up. Anyway, I hope this is the beginning of a fun, new adventure, and I'll keep you posted on the progress.
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." Job 42:2
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Updates and Surgery
I am doing great, praise God! I saw Dr. Rassam last week and he was back to his old self. A few visits ago he had changed his tune from saying I had a miraculous recovery, to saying we were just managing the cancer well. I have a little PTSD from all the bad news at this point, so whenever I walk into the place I am tense until after I see him. For the past two visits though, he has been back to normal. On both occasions he poked around on me and said, "I might start believing that you are actually cured of this too!". This is the highest praise and confidence anyone could expect, I think.
I was sure he would send me for a PET scan, but wrong again. He had two types of cancer marker tests done. Both for breast cancer, but one was a new addition, for people who already went through treatment. The CA 27.29 test (the one I've had done before) has a range from normal people of between 0 and 38. Last time mine was 26.5. This time it was 14!!! Zero is not necessarily the goal, because it can be good to have a few. The CA 15.3 test is the new one and I think the range for normaly people is 0 to 25, and this was 10!!! Hooray!!!!
I was waiting to hear responses before mentioning this, but I think I will not get any...for those who wondered, I finally sent notes to some of the doctors who told me I'd be dead soon. I couldn't get the right email for the one at Mayo so didn't send his, but did get one to the genetic counselor there. I told her about my miracle and she responded, "I'm so glad you've had such a positive reaction to chemo!". That's fine. I sent a nice note to Dr. Litton but she never responded at all.
I started Tamoxifen and so far, so good. I think it acts as a stimulant for me--I'm being more productive with less fatigue. Unfortunately, I'm unable to sleep at night, too. I've always struggled with sleep, but lately it had been a bit better. Now it's taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. I see Dr. Rassam in a few weeks as a follow-up, so maybe he'll prescribe me something to sleep if necessary. I feel extremely, outrageously blessed by the lack of unwanted side effects from the Tamoxifen. I know it takes longer for them to develop with some people, so please pray that mine will continue to be awesome.
I got a call from Dr. Rosenbaum's office today. He is the plastic surgeon in Gainesville that I'm going to see about getting DIEP reconstruction. His assistant said his openings were filling up quickly, so she wanted to pencil me in for surgery now. NOW!!!! Not 1-2 years away like the more conservative doctor I saw here. NOW as in, over Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only 2 openings he has left this year)!!!!! I wanted the Thanksgiving one, because that would be basically a year from the time I was told I was dying to being entirely healed and reconstructed. However, I think Yaacov and my mom (the official helpers) will be more available over Christmas, so we'll probably do that. It'll still just be 13 months for all that.
For those of you who haven't seen me, my hair is looking good. I've had two haircuts now, and the pixie cut style I have looks intentional. A lot of people even prefer it to my longer hair, but I think that's because it's so different. Strangers stop me all the time to compliment me, so that's nice. I plan to still grow it out, then will look back at pictures and decide what was best.
I guess that's it. "Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of the lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name." Heb 13:15
I was sure he would send me for a PET scan, but wrong again. He had two types of cancer marker tests done. Both for breast cancer, but one was a new addition, for people who already went through treatment. The CA 27.29 test (the one I've had done before) has a range from normal people of between 0 and 38. Last time mine was 26.5. This time it was 14!!! Zero is not necessarily the goal, because it can be good to have a few. The CA 15.3 test is the new one and I think the range for normaly people is 0 to 25, and this was 10!!! Hooray!!!!
I was waiting to hear responses before mentioning this, but I think I will not get any...for those who wondered, I finally sent notes to some of the doctors who told me I'd be dead soon. I couldn't get the right email for the one at Mayo so didn't send his, but did get one to the genetic counselor there. I told her about my miracle and she responded, "I'm so glad you've had such a positive reaction to chemo!". That's fine. I sent a nice note to Dr. Litton but she never responded at all.
I started Tamoxifen and so far, so good. I think it acts as a stimulant for me--I'm being more productive with less fatigue. Unfortunately, I'm unable to sleep at night, too. I've always struggled with sleep, but lately it had been a bit better. Now it's taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. I see Dr. Rassam in a few weeks as a follow-up, so maybe he'll prescribe me something to sleep if necessary. I feel extremely, outrageously blessed by the lack of unwanted side effects from the Tamoxifen. I know it takes longer for them to develop with some people, so please pray that mine will continue to be awesome.
I got a call from Dr. Rosenbaum's office today. He is the plastic surgeon in Gainesville that I'm going to see about getting DIEP reconstruction. His assistant said his openings were filling up quickly, so she wanted to pencil me in for surgery now. NOW!!!! Not 1-2 years away like the more conservative doctor I saw here. NOW as in, over Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only 2 openings he has left this year)!!!!! I wanted the Thanksgiving one, because that would be basically a year from the time I was told I was dying to being entirely healed and reconstructed. However, I think Yaacov and my mom (the official helpers) will be more available over Christmas, so we'll probably do that. It'll still just be 13 months for all that.
For those of you who haven't seen me, my hair is looking good. I've had two haircuts now, and the pixie cut style I have looks intentional. A lot of people even prefer it to my longer hair, but I think that's because it's so different. Strangers stop me all the time to compliment me, so that's nice. I plan to still grow it out, then will look back at pictures and decide what was best.
I guess that's it. "Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of the lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name." Heb 13:15
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
DONE with cancer treatments FOREVER
It's official, I'm done with radiation! So, if you're keeping track that's: Chemo, surgery, and radiation ALL DONE! All I technically have left is reconstruction and Tamoxifen, which is a drug I will start soon and am expected to take forever. Please pray with me that I have no side effects from it. If I do, plans might change.
It was nice to end treatment at Dr. Bolek's office today. When I finished chemo I knew the people better, but the attitude was, "see you when it comes back". At the end of radiation it was more of a "keep in touch" style.
You can probably guess how nostalgic this all makes me. Everything has completely changed, yet it is all still the same. Ten months ago, my biggest problems were so minor they were embarassing to even discuss with real people who had real problems. Since then, my problems became so insurmountable that most of these "real people" couldn't discuss them due to feelings of inadequacy.
I guess I find myself back at the beginning now. I believe I was permanently and perfectly healed of "incurable" cancer, so I am not dying any faster than anyone else. God did it all, and His burden is easy, His yoke is light (Mth 11:30). All I had to do is pray and show up...so why do I feel like I've been through a war?
At the beginning of this blog I wrote a bit about how I felt like such a kid, saddled with a death sentence I could barely read, let alone "live" with. How I yearned for someone to guide me through it, to drown out the doctor's bad reports with assurances that with God, everything is possible (Lk 18:27)! God gave me what I needed during the dark times, it just wasn't always what I wanted. His will and plans are perfect though, and obviously turned out better than they do for most, so I have no right to complain. I wish I could say I feel light and airy after all this, because I learned how much I can trust God, and all the extra time I've been given is so freeing. Instead I feel...tired. Old. Worn out and broken. Ugly (inside and out). I'm impatient with the kids, disinterested in the mundane details of life.
Maybe I romanticized the old life I had, and now that I won the chance to keep it I'm unimpressed with the reward. Or maybe I just need a nap. I will have to get back to you on that one.
I would be a worthless hypocrite if I let myself drown in my (unjustified) self-pity now. My choices are to continue feeling sorry for myself, or to get it together. The word is clear: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice!" Phil 4:4. So, I will praise Him not just for His miraculous healing, but also that I got through all those treatments with minimal side effects, and for the chance to bond with so many great people throughout cancer. Both my parents proved themselves to be very dedicated by moving (Dad, temporarily; Mom, permanently) here to help babysit, and SO many more people than I could have imagined reached out to us in a variety of ways throughout cancer. I might not be more patient or kind than before, but I am stronger in faith, and that will help me more in the future. I have heard from a lot of people how my experience has changed their faith, and even one of those stories makes it totally worth it. We also got out of this without monetary setbacks, which is amazing given the huge expense of cancer treatments. Finally, I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and the nature of God, that will change me forever. I don't want to die anytime soon, but I'm much more content with the idea of it now than before. I know I can trust God to take care of my family, and that is true whether or not I'm present.
I had a really hard time keeping up with formally thanking people, and even went through a time where I met so many people I couldn't recall their names or even meeting them. So, from the bottom of my heart, no matter how much (or little) I've shown it, I really, really appreciate every email, every card, every note, every meal, every dollar, every gift, every thought, every blog reader, every kind word, and every prayer that has been shared with me or on my behalf. I am also so sorry to those I've unintentionally snubbed or forgotten to thank, etc. I just love you
all and have learned how to be more loving by the way everyone has supported and interacted with me throughout this time.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8
It was nice to end treatment at Dr. Bolek's office today. When I finished chemo I knew the people better, but the attitude was, "see you when it comes back". At the end of radiation it was more of a "keep in touch" style.
You can probably guess how nostalgic this all makes me. Everything has completely changed, yet it is all still the same. Ten months ago, my biggest problems were so minor they were embarassing to even discuss with real people who had real problems. Since then, my problems became so insurmountable that most of these "real people" couldn't discuss them due to feelings of inadequacy.
I guess I find myself back at the beginning now. I believe I was permanently and perfectly healed of "incurable" cancer, so I am not dying any faster than anyone else. God did it all, and His burden is easy, His yoke is light (Mth 11:30). All I had to do is pray and show up...so why do I feel like I've been through a war?
At the beginning of this blog I wrote a bit about how I felt like such a kid, saddled with a death sentence I could barely read, let alone "live" with. How I yearned for someone to guide me through it, to drown out the doctor's bad reports with assurances that with God, everything is possible (Lk 18:27)! God gave me what I needed during the dark times, it just wasn't always what I wanted. His will and plans are perfect though, and obviously turned out better than they do for most, so I have no right to complain. I wish I could say I feel light and airy after all this, because I learned how much I can trust God, and all the extra time I've been given is so freeing. Instead I feel...tired. Old. Worn out and broken. Ugly (inside and out). I'm impatient with the kids, disinterested in the mundane details of life.
Maybe I romanticized the old life I had, and now that I won the chance to keep it I'm unimpressed with the reward. Or maybe I just need a nap. I will have to get back to you on that one.
I would be a worthless hypocrite if I let myself drown in my (unjustified) self-pity now. My choices are to continue feeling sorry for myself, or to get it together. The word is clear: "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again; Rejoice!" Phil 4:4. So, I will praise Him not just for His miraculous healing, but also that I got through all those treatments with minimal side effects, and for the chance to bond with so many great people throughout cancer. Both my parents proved themselves to be very dedicated by moving (Dad, temporarily; Mom, permanently) here to help babysit, and SO many more people than I could have imagined reached out to us in a variety of ways throughout cancer. I might not be more patient or kind than before, but I am stronger in faith, and that will help me more in the future. I have heard from a lot of people how my experience has changed their faith, and even one of those stories makes it totally worth it. We also got out of this without monetary setbacks, which is amazing given the huge expense of cancer treatments. Finally, I learned a lot about myself, human nature, and the nature of God, that will change me forever. I don't want to die anytime soon, but I'm much more content with the idea of it now than before. I know I can trust God to take care of my family, and that is true whether or not I'm present.
I had a really hard time keeping up with formally thanking people, and even went through a time where I met so many people I couldn't recall their names or even meeting them. So, from the bottom of my heart, no matter how much (or little) I've shown it, I really, really appreciate every email, every card, every note, every meal, every dollar, every gift, every thought, every blog reader, every kind word, and every prayer that has been shared with me or on my behalf. I am also so sorry to those I've unintentionally snubbed or forgotten to thank, etc. I just love you
all and have learned how to be more loving by the way everyone has supported and interacted with me throughout this time.
"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." Phil 4:8
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