Well, the Lord is at work again! Just when I think He's doing something different, He brings me back into this prayerful lifestyle. He has revolutionized my prayers and is working quickly. I'll be praying and hear my voice pray for a random thought that comes to mind, and then He answers it right away. It's happened several times in the past few weeks. I prayed about whether to keep (or, restart) writing, and He showed me Isaiah 12:4, "Give praise to the Lord, proclaim His name, make known among the nations what He has done, and proclaim that His name is exalted". Then, I prayed for more opportunities to share what He has done, and three different people who I know from this blog contacted me for prayer. All within one day. So, I get it that He wants me to pray and blog, so that there will be more people to pray for. And that He wants to keep using me to exalt His perfect name.
2 Samuel 22:47, "The Lord lives, and blessed be my rock, and exalted be my God, the rock of my salvation"
What? It probably shouldn't be that exciting or surprising to me that He wants to keep using me, but He never fails to amaze me. I am so irrelevant, unimpressive, unfaithful...but He calls me anyway.
He put things in my heart--in all our hearts-- just to show He's there. The miracle He blessed me with wasn't a one-time deal, but was just a moment that opened my eyes to this world where the Creator reigns so powerfully that the scientific laws--and common sense-- do not prevail. Hail to this God whose love knows no bounds, mercy never fails, grace is limitless, and whose sacrifices are unmatched! He IS good, when the money is in the bank, kids are behaving, work is fruitful and doctor reports are clear. He IS good, when the storms come, the money disappears, the loved ones are unlovable, or the diagnosis or prognosis worsens. When man's report provides no hope, He is always good.
"Who has believed what he has heard from us? And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?" Isaiah 53:1
I forget His goodness often, and revert to feeling sorry for myself and the minor problems I struggle with. I'm struggling with minor health problems related to either my thyroid or the Arimidex I'm taking. The more I pray about them, the more He reminds me of people with real problems. I keep hearing how the flu is going around, but it seems to me that cancer is going around. I don't always know exactly how to pray for these people. I know God could heal any and all of them, but the most important part is really the spiritual healing we all need. So I just start with the fear and pain caused by their physical circumstances and wait on the Holy Spirit to move my prayers from there.
2 Thess 1:11, "To this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work by faith of His power"
One girl, Amanda, is my age, and I don't know the back story, but she was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer in 2008 (around age 29 I think), and it's come back multiple times since then. We went to high school together and the clearest thing I remember is that everyone said she would be the first female president. It's not too late for that! But, I've noticed many people send her "positive thoughts" and other nice intentions. But I think interceding for her, to the One who can do something about her health, is the most valuable gift we could give. I also am praying for a local woman named Julie, who is seeking the Lord as she fights stage 4 breast cancer. She believes He will heal her and has already found many sweet blessings from the Lord through this. I call those "love notes" because they are so personal and dear to us. Ioa is another woman, who just finished treatment for breast cancer, and then they found cancer in the lining of her brain! That feels like an extra-large test to me. ALL cancer patients have at least a moment of fear that the cancer will come back or isn't really gone. Even if you're so faithful you cast it out quickly, it still crosses through your brain a time or two. And this is the worst one. She was probably counting down the days to finish treatment, then trying not to panic when her head kept aching. And the doctors couldn't find anything at first, so she probably second guessed herself and now knows she can't always count on her doctors. Anyway, she is undergoing radiation on her brain now and is believing in the Lord for a total healing. Please pray for her mental and physical healing and support during this traumatic time. Finally, Lyn was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and is currently figuring out what type of treatment to go through. This is such a hard time for anyone with such a diagnosis. It's nearly impossible to focus on the joy of Christmas, and spending focused time with your loved ones, when you are still reeling from the diagnosis. And you don't know what God would have you do for treatment, or even really how to pray and hear from Him amidst the turmoil, fear, outside opinions, and chaos of the holidays. I can't help but think back to the Christmas of 2011 when we went through that. It makes me dizzy and a little nauseas, even though I know how my own turned out!
Mark 9:23, "All things are possible for one whom believes"
Please pray for these women with the joy of one called to work for Him. Praying doesn't require much from us, but can open more doors than money, fame, or force. Luke 16:10 says "he who can be trusted with little will be trusted with much." So, we do our part by praying, especially for those He puts heavily on our hearts. I think when the Holy Spirit really tugs at your heartstrings about someone (or something), it could He is specifically calling you, entrusted you with, to expectation pray for her. He can answer the prayers for big things as easily as those for little ones, and does so to increase our faith, and His glory. What a privilege to commune with Him, and to intercede for the underdog!
Showing posts with label miracle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miracle. Show all posts
Saturday, December 20, 2014
Friday, October 11, 2013
MIRACLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I.CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.IT.......................
He did it again. Her God. My God. Our God. He healed Debora. Her stage 4 cancer is gone. Her doctor is shocked. He didn't admit that it was a miracle but said he couldn't find any cancer and never expected that. She went through chemo but eventually stopped as the side effects were worse than the benefits. Since then she's been on Arimidex and that's it. Not even a diet change. Lots of chocolate. Lots of prayer. Lots of miracles.
Nehemiah 12:43 "Many sacrifices were offered on that joyous day, for God had given the people cause for great joy. The women and children also participated in the celebration, and the joy of the people of Jerusalem could be heard far away."
Many thanks to all who prayed. She was diagnosed in May, 2012 and it took this long to see the results. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I prayed a lot throughout, but especially this week, and was moved specifically to pray that God would heal her for the sake of those watching. For those who either don't believe He is, and thus wouldn't do it, and for those who don't believe He can and thus couldn't do it. He did it for those people. He also did it for all His children who have been praying and needed to see Him work. He did it for those who wrote her illness off as a part of life (and death). He did it for her, even though she would have been content with just being healed in heaven. And He did it for Him, so we would all know He is the Lord.
Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
Dear Tallahassee, God is here. He is still healing, still caring, still weeping and still seeking. Get on board for the ride of your life. It's scary. It's hard. But the joy you feel when you seek Him and find Him is incomparable.
"1 John 4:8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. "
"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1"
Don't give up on praying for your heart's desires. Don't give up on your loved ones. Don't give up on seeking God because He hasn't given up on you.
"Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?"
I love you all.
Psalm 31
He did it again. Her God. My God. Our God. He healed Debora. Her stage 4 cancer is gone. Her doctor is shocked. He didn't admit that it was a miracle but said he couldn't find any cancer and never expected that. She went through chemo but eventually stopped as the side effects were worse than the benefits. Since then she's been on Arimidex and that's it. Not even a diet change. Lots of chocolate. Lots of prayer. Lots of miracles.
Nehemiah 12:43 "Many sacrifices were offered on that joyous day, for God had given the people cause for great joy. The women and children also participated in the celebration, and the joy of the people of Jerusalem could be heard far away."
Many thanks to all who prayed. She was diagnosed in May, 2012 and it took this long to see the results. TOTALLY WORTH IT. I prayed a lot throughout, but especially this week, and was moved specifically to pray that God would heal her for the sake of those watching. For those who either don't believe He is, and thus wouldn't do it, and for those who don't believe He can and thus couldn't do it. He did it for those people. He also did it for all His children who have been praying and needed to see Him work. He did it for those who wrote her illness off as a part of life (and death). He did it for her, even though she would have been content with just being healed in heaven. And He did it for Him, so we would all know He is the Lord.
Exodus 14:14 "The LORD will fight for you while you keep silent."
Dear Tallahassee, God is here. He is still healing, still caring, still weeping and still seeking. Get on board for the ride of your life. It's scary. It's hard. But the joy you feel when you seek Him and find Him is incomparable.
"1 John 4:8 The one who does not love does not know God, for God is love. "
"Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1"
Don't give up on praying for your heart's desires. Don't give up on your loved ones. Don't give up on seeking God because He hasn't given up on you.
"Psalm 27:1 The LORD is my light and my salvation; Whom shall I fear? The LORD is the defense of my life; Whom shall I dread?"
I love you all.
Psalm 31
In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.
Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.
Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.
Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.
Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God.
I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord.
I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.
You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.
Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,b
and my bones grow weak.
Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me.
I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery.
For I hear many whispering,
“Terror on every side!”
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life.
But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, “You are my God.”
My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me.
Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love.
Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead.
Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous.
How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you.
In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues.
Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege.
In my alarm I said,
“I am cut off from your sight!”
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.
Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full.
Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
One-Year Anniversary of Healing
It's been a year. A glorious year. A year with much less doubt and much more faith. A year of my being a better person, mother, wife, daughter, friend, and Christian because of my increased faith. A year without much fear, which I didn't even know I struggled with before my diagnosis.
I just read the blog I posted last February 2. I wrote it right after Dr. Rassam said those life-altering words--"It's gone, your cancer is all gone! I can't explain it. I've never seen anything like it!" Words that changed everything. Words that shouldn't have changed anything.
Nothing changed that day besides my understanding of who God is. He was always Good and that is still true. He performs huge miracles every day, but we don't all see them or remember to praise Him for them. He also allows sad things to happen, for our well-being and the good of mankind, but we are quick to assign blame and remember His role in that.
He is at work in all our lives. Sometimes we're more aware than others. As long as we're living there is still time to change our ways and turn to Him, but sometimes it's harder to hear that call. I learned a bit about leprosy from biblical days the other day and was surprised to discover I had experienced similar sensations during chemo. That leprosy differed than the more current understanding. The biggest thing is that people lost sensitivity in their bodies but didn't notice until something that should have caused noteworthy sensation didn't. Like they might have cut themselves or gotten hot water on themselves but couldn't feel it.
That leprosy happened to many, many people in the Bible until Elisha healed one person of it and later Jesus and the disciples healed many. It was such a clear parallel to the way our hearts are within us now. We slowly accept worldly values and become desensitized to sin until we're so immersed in it we don't even notice. But there's healing available for all of us. Sometimes crazy things like a girl being healed of cancer opens strikes a chord and jerks our heads back to where they should be (looking up at God). Sometimes God uses other things to get our attention. I pray that we all will remember the things that He does to slough off the dead parts of us before it is too late. I don't want others to have to go through horrendous experiences just to get re-focused. But most importantly, I don't want any of us to miss the lessons from our experiences and spend an eternity regretting it.
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7
I just read the blog I posted last February 2. I wrote it right after Dr. Rassam said those life-altering words--"It's gone, your cancer is all gone! I can't explain it. I've never seen anything like it!" Words that changed everything. Words that shouldn't have changed anything.
Nothing changed that day besides my understanding of who God is. He was always Good and that is still true. He performs huge miracles every day, but we don't all see them or remember to praise Him for them. He also allows sad things to happen, for our well-being and the good of mankind, but we are quick to assign blame and remember His role in that.
He is at work in all our lives. Sometimes we're more aware than others. As long as we're living there is still time to change our ways and turn to Him, but sometimes it's harder to hear that call. I learned a bit about leprosy from biblical days the other day and was surprised to discover I had experienced similar sensations during chemo. That leprosy differed than the more current understanding. The biggest thing is that people lost sensitivity in their bodies but didn't notice until something that should have caused noteworthy sensation didn't. Like they might have cut themselves or gotten hot water on themselves but couldn't feel it.
That leprosy happened to many, many people in the Bible until Elisha healed one person of it and later Jesus and the disciples healed many. It was such a clear parallel to the way our hearts are within us now. We slowly accept worldly values and become desensitized to sin until we're so immersed in it we don't even notice. But there's healing available for all of us. Sometimes crazy things like a girl being healed of cancer opens strikes a chord and jerks our heads back to where they should be (looking up at God). Sometimes God uses other things to get our attention. I pray that we all will remember the things that He does to slough off the dead parts of us before it is too late. I don't want others to have to go through horrendous experiences just to get re-focused. But most importantly, I don't want any of us to miss the lessons from our experiences and spend an eternity regretting it.
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7
Monday, October 22, 2012
Some side effects of miracles...
Abi's school was closed today. We had a really, really nice day together. Weekends have been so busy that there's normally no chance to relax, but today we were able to relax and just enjoy hanging out. It makes me feel so much better about everything.
She has been behaving better, so thanks very much for your prayers. God helped a lot and showed me more things I could do to get things consistent again. We're getting there, but it's still one day at a time. On the other hand, Naomi is a happy, happy, happy baby almost all the time. She is naughty in an 18-month-old way but our relationship has improved massively over the past few months, and she seems really well-adjusted.
Altogether, things seem sort of...normal now. I know what to expect every day and hardly any of it is bad. I want to like it, but I can't get comfortable. I have no big problems to consume my thoughts so I just coast through the days without a care in the world, then when I have a bit of time I am overcome with memories from this time last year. I believe I am fully healed, and much of my anxiety has waned in the past few months, but I am still so damaged by it all. I should be happy that I went through all this and got my miracle, but I'm just saddened by it. I'm angry that I will spend every day until I die as a person who might have cancer come back. I am doing my best to cling to the memory of the miracle, and to build my faith in the meantime. But I have yet to come across anyone with a similar miracle who didn't have any hint of a recurrence. Instead, I have learned the key is to not accept it, and through faith and prayer it usually disappears. Good plan, right? NO! I don't want that! I don't want any fear or chance of it returning. That would be a test, and I don't want anymore tests!
I don't want to grow, I don't want to learn, I just want to be happy and healthy forever.
It's so stupid, but I won't even pray for certain things anymore because I'm afraid of they way God might answer. If you remember, I was praying intently for someone's salvation, promising the Lord I would do anything for him to know Him. Right after that I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when he was a kid. I will tell you I believe his lack of accepting the Lord from that was the only failure from my diagnosis and healing. It might have enhanced his belief a bit, but didn't bring him all the way to Jesus' loving arms. Do you think I pray the same way for him now? NO WAY. No way. nope. Can't risk it.
So, there you have it. We'll call these issues "side effects" of the miracle. I know my mindset is wrong about a lot of things. I need prayer I guess. And faith. Mostly faith. In the meantime, it is back to basics: Get my mind off me and toward God, then everything else will fall into place. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"
Philippians 4:4-9
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
She has been behaving better, so thanks very much for your prayers. God helped a lot and showed me more things I could do to get things consistent again. We're getting there, but it's still one day at a time. On the other hand, Naomi is a happy, happy, happy baby almost all the time. She is naughty in an 18-month-old way but our relationship has improved massively over the past few months, and she seems really well-adjusted.
Altogether, things seem sort of...normal now. I know what to expect every day and hardly any of it is bad. I want to like it, but I can't get comfortable. I have no big problems to consume my thoughts so I just coast through the days without a care in the world, then when I have a bit of time I am overcome with memories from this time last year. I believe I am fully healed, and much of my anxiety has waned in the past few months, but I am still so damaged by it all. I should be happy that I went through all this and got my miracle, but I'm just saddened by it. I'm angry that I will spend every day until I die as a person who might have cancer come back. I am doing my best to cling to the memory of the miracle, and to build my faith in the meantime. But I have yet to come across anyone with a similar miracle who didn't have any hint of a recurrence. Instead, I have learned the key is to not accept it, and through faith and prayer it usually disappears. Good plan, right? NO! I don't want that! I don't want any fear or chance of it returning. That would be a test, and I don't want anymore tests!
I don't want to grow, I don't want to learn, I just want to be happy and healthy forever.
It's so stupid, but I won't even pray for certain things anymore because I'm afraid of they way God might answer. If you remember, I was praying intently for someone's salvation, promising the Lord I would do anything for him to know Him. Right after that I was diagnosed with the same illness that killed his mother when he was a kid. I will tell you I believe his lack of accepting the Lord from that was the only failure from my diagnosis and healing. It might have enhanced his belief a bit, but didn't bring him all the way to Jesus' loving arms. Do you think I pray the same way for him now? NO WAY. No way. nope. Can't risk it.
So, there you have it. We'll call these issues "side effects" of the miracle. I know my mindset is wrong about a lot of things. I need prayer I guess. And faith. Mostly faith. In the meantime, it is back to basics: Get my mind off me and toward God, then everything else will fall into place. "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again, rejoice!"
Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Friday, September 28, 2012
Did cancer ruin my child or did I do that myself?
This whole time I've felt so fortunate that our kids were young when dealing with the cancer. I hated hearing I could die before they'd be old enough to remember me, but it was so much easier than having to deal with the emotions and questions that an older child would have posed. Or, so I thought. It's been almost a year since the diagnosis and the toll it's taken on Abigail has finally become apparent.We tried to keep everything as "normal" as possible during treatment, but obviously we didn't succeed. Everything changed, as it had to. She was only 3 when the doctors first started telling me I was going to die, so she hadn't been through anything difficult. Nor did she have any clue what sickness, cancer, or death were. Added to that, she used to only see Grandpa for holidays, and suddenly he was here full-time, babysitting several times per week. Then he moved away and Grandma moved down. Now she's going to preschool every day, but I drag her to doctors or leave her with sitters at least once a week. She was a trooper through all of it and I thought she was unscathed--a few months ago she said she'd never seen me cry. Clearly she had forgotten the low times from last year, like when she'd begged me to go just one day without crying.
Well, my treatments have been done since June, but the aftermath has just begun. And worsening. I've had to leave overnight a few times and it sets off really bad behavior. She's also having nightmares and outrageously naughty behavior at school. Anytime I will be away from her she wants to know exactly what I'm doing and I have to promise I'll be back. Most issues seem to involve control--she wants it--so we're trying to help her feel super secure but still teach her that she isn't the boss.
I'm blaming cancer for ruining my child, but I might have done it myself. I'm a behavior analyst, how did I end up with the child who behaves so badly at school? There's nothing innately "different" about her, I really believe this is a nurture (not nature) issue. We're praying a lot about her behavior but don't know what to do. Maybe we're reading too much into it, and she is noncompliant because I gave her way too many choices until now. And now she thinks she should always have the chance to have some sort of "say" in what she does.
I don't like either of these hypotheses. So much of my fight against cancer was because I didn't trust God to raise them without me. I'm not sure I ever admitted that before. And now it turns out I don't know what I'm doing anyway. Awesome.
It will all work out, we just need to trust God with everything, and wait on Him for how to proceed. So much of parenting seems time-sensitive, but it will be better if I focus on being God-sensitive instead. God did one of the nicest things ever for me, and I'm going to focus on that: This morning I could not stop singing this song about trusting the Lord. Then I realized I was promising to trust Him but not really meaning it. I started to pray about it but got interrupted and figured I'd think about it more later. Instead, I checked my email and a friend had written to me about how she had this vision while she was praying for me (not about Abi, just generally). She could see anguish, doubt, and fear filling up my cup. Then those things were poured out and trust replaced it. Isn't that awesome? I often joke about how easy it would be to do what God wants if He would just send me a to-do list. This time He basicallly did! He made sure I got an email with His message, "TRUST ME".
People have had dreams and visions a few times for me before, but never anything so specific and timely. I take it as a HUGE honor, that He would do something so bold and clear to get through to me. It must be very important, and those are all issues I've been having. I can't tell you the comfort I get from how personal that message is. So, I will trust Him. God is mightier than my mistakes. I will trust Him today. And tomorrow.
Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Deut 1:30-32, "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God
carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. "
Well, my treatments have been done since June, but the aftermath has just begun. And worsening. I've had to leave overnight a few times and it sets off really bad behavior. She's also having nightmares and outrageously naughty behavior at school. Anytime I will be away from her she wants to know exactly what I'm doing and I have to promise I'll be back. Most issues seem to involve control--she wants it--so we're trying to help her feel super secure but still teach her that she isn't the boss.
I'm blaming cancer for ruining my child, but I might have done it myself. I'm a behavior analyst, how did I end up with the child who behaves so badly at school? There's nothing innately "different" about her, I really believe this is a nurture (not nature) issue. We're praying a lot about her behavior but don't know what to do. Maybe we're reading too much into it, and she is noncompliant because I gave her way too many choices until now. And now she thinks she should always have the chance to have some sort of "say" in what she does.
I don't like either of these hypotheses. So much of my fight against cancer was because I didn't trust God to raise them without me. I'm not sure I ever admitted that before. And now it turns out I don't know what I'm doing anyway. Awesome.
It will all work out, we just need to trust God with everything, and wait on Him for how to proceed. So much of parenting seems time-sensitive, but it will be better if I focus on being God-sensitive instead. God did one of the nicest things ever for me, and I'm going to focus on that: This morning I could not stop singing this song about trusting the Lord. Then I realized I was promising to trust Him but not really meaning it. I started to pray about it but got interrupted and figured I'd think about it more later. Instead, I checked my email and a friend had written to me about how she had this vision while she was praying for me (not about Abi, just generally). She could see anguish, doubt, and fear filling up my cup. Then those things were poured out and trust replaced it. Isn't that awesome? I often joke about how easy it would be to do what God wants if He would just send me a to-do list. This time He basicallly did! He made sure I got an email with His message, "TRUST ME".
People have had dreams and visions a few times for me before, but never anything so specific and timely. I take it as a HUGE honor, that He would do something so bold and clear to get through to me. It must be very important, and those are all issues I've been having. I can't tell you the comfort I get from how personal that message is. So, I will trust Him. God is mightier than my mistakes. I will trust Him today. And tomorrow.
Psalm 9:10, "Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you."
Deut 1:30-32, "The Lord your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as He did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes and in the desert. There you saw how the Lord your God
carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place. "
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Updates and Surgery
I am doing great, praise God! I saw Dr. Rassam last week and he was back to his old self. A few visits ago he had changed his tune from saying I had a miraculous recovery, to saying we were just managing the cancer well. I have a little PTSD from all the bad news at this point, so whenever I walk into the place I am tense until after I see him. For the past two visits though, he has been back to normal. On both occasions he poked around on me and said, "I might start believing that you are actually cured of this too!". This is the highest praise and confidence anyone could expect, I think.
I was sure he would send me for a PET scan, but wrong again. He had two types of cancer marker tests done. Both for breast cancer, but one was a new addition, for people who already went through treatment. The CA 27.29 test (the one I've had done before) has a range from normal people of between 0 and 38. Last time mine was 26.5. This time it was 14!!! Zero is not necessarily the goal, because it can be good to have a few. The CA 15.3 test is the new one and I think the range for normaly people is 0 to 25, and this was 10!!! Hooray!!!!
I was waiting to hear responses before mentioning this, but I think I will not get any...for those who wondered, I finally sent notes to some of the doctors who told me I'd be dead soon. I couldn't get the right email for the one at Mayo so didn't send his, but did get one to the genetic counselor there. I told her about my miracle and she responded, "I'm so glad you've had such a positive reaction to chemo!". That's fine. I sent a nice note to Dr. Litton but she never responded at all.
I started Tamoxifen and so far, so good. I think it acts as a stimulant for me--I'm being more productive with less fatigue. Unfortunately, I'm unable to sleep at night, too. I've always struggled with sleep, but lately it had been a bit better. Now it's taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. I see Dr. Rassam in a few weeks as a follow-up, so maybe he'll prescribe me something to sleep if necessary. I feel extremely, outrageously blessed by the lack of unwanted side effects from the Tamoxifen. I know it takes longer for them to develop with some people, so please pray that mine will continue to be awesome.
I got a call from Dr. Rosenbaum's office today. He is the plastic surgeon in Gainesville that I'm going to see about getting DIEP reconstruction. His assistant said his openings were filling up quickly, so she wanted to pencil me in for surgery now. NOW!!!! Not 1-2 years away like the more conservative doctor I saw here. NOW as in, over Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only 2 openings he has left this year)!!!!! I wanted the Thanksgiving one, because that would be basically a year from the time I was told I was dying to being entirely healed and reconstructed. However, I think Yaacov and my mom (the official helpers) will be more available over Christmas, so we'll probably do that. It'll still just be 13 months for all that.
For those of you who haven't seen me, my hair is looking good. I've had two haircuts now, and the pixie cut style I have looks intentional. A lot of people even prefer it to my longer hair, but I think that's because it's so different. Strangers stop me all the time to compliment me, so that's nice. I plan to still grow it out, then will look back at pictures and decide what was best.
I guess that's it. "Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of the lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name." Heb 13:15
I was sure he would send me for a PET scan, but wrong again. He had two types of cancer marker tests done. Both for breast cancer, but one was a new addition, for people who already went through treatment. The CA 27.29 test (the one I've had done before) has a range from normal people of between 0 and 38. Last time mine was 26.5. This time it was 14!!! Zero is not necessarily the goal, because it can be good to have a few. The CA 15.3 test is the new one and I think the range for normaly people is 0 to 25, and this was 10!!! Hooray!!!!
I was waiting to hear responses before mentioning this, but I think I will not get any...for those who wondered, I finally sent notes to some of the doctors who told me I'd be dead soon. I couldn't get the right email for the one at Mayo so didn't send his, but did get one to the genetic counselor there. I told her about my miracle and she responded, "I'm so glad you've had such a positive reaction to chemo!". That's fine. I sent a nice note to Dr. Litton but she never responded at all.
I started Tamoxifen and so far, so good. I think it acts as a stimulant for me--I'm being more productive with less fatigue. Unfortunately, I'm unable to sleep at night, too. I've always struggled with sleep, but lately it had been a bit better. Now it's taking me 2-3 hours to fall asleep. I see Dr. Rassam in a few weeks as a follow-up, so maybe he'll prescribe me something to sleep if necessary. I feel extremely, outrageously blessed by the lack of unwanted side effects from the Tamoxifen. I know it takes longer for them to develop with some people, so please pray that mine will continue to be awesome.
I got a call from Dr. Rosenbaum's office today. He is the plastic surgeon in Gainesville that I'm going to see about getting DIEP reconstruction. His assistant said his openings were filling up quickly, so she wanted to pencil me in for surgery now. NOW!!!! Not 1-2 years away like the more conservative doctor I saw here. NOW as in, over Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only 2 openings he has left this year)!!!!! I wanted the Thanksgiving one, because that would be basically a year from the time I was told I was dying to being entirely healed and reconstructed. However, I think Yaacov and my mom (the official helpers) will be more available over Christmas, so we'll probably do that. It'll still just be 13 months for all that.
For those of you who haven't seen me, my hair is looking good. I've had two haircuts now, and the pixie cut style I have looks intentional. A lot of people even prefer it to my longer hair, but I think that's because it's so different. Strangers stop me all the time to compliment me, so that's nice. I plan to still grow it out, then will look back at pictures and decide what was best.
I guess that's it. "Through Him, therefore, let us constantly and at all times offer up to God a sacrifice of praise, which is the fruit of the lips that thankfully acknowledge and confess and glorify His name." Heb 13:15
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Everything you NEVER wanted to know about a mastectomy
I've mentioned tidbits on here about my mastectomy but I know a lot of readers will be involved with their own breast surgeries at some point so I thought I'd give more detail about what to expect and how to prepare. It is extremely long, because I wanted every bit to be in one place.
There are a ton of sites where you can find things to do to prepare, but the ones I saw didn't explain things well. I'm sure these surgeries vary a lot by location and type, but some truths are consistent.
MY TYPE OF SURGERY:
I had what was called a bilateral mastectomy and lymphnode removal, which just means both breasts were removed. On one side, 11 lymphnodes were taken. I had cancer on just one side, but due to my BRCA status and size of the original tumor, it was very likely to spread to my other side anyway. It is also very difficult to "match" a real one during reconstruction, so all-around I felt better with having both removed. In addition, after a mastectomy you don't need mammograms (usually), so that's one less thing I have to do (and stress about) in the future.
LUMPECTOMY OR MASTECTOMY?
Many people elect to have just a lumpectomy instead of full removal. The original size of my tumor was 7 cm, so a minimum of 1/3 of the breast would have been removed, which would require reconstruction or weird pads for the future. As you know, I was cancer-free by the time I had the surgery, but because of the stage 4 aspect, Dr. Rassam recommended the full mastectomy in case the cancer returned and could not be reduced (this is called a hygenic mastectomy). Blah blah. I just prayed about it, and the data were very clear that the mastectomy for my tumor type was the way to go. God made me love research for a reason, maybe this was it. I felt fine going through with it.
Radiation also goes smoother without breasts.
If you are ever diagnosed with breast cancer, search and read a lot about the recommendations for your specific type. Your cancer will be tested to see if it is sensitive to estrogen, progesterone and her2. If it is not sensitive to any of the three, that is called "triple negative" and treatment options are more limited. Mine had a slight estrogen sensitivity, and was negative to the others. Anyway, this status and the size alters the effectiveness of lumpectomy and mastectomy. The "worse" cancer you have, the more likely it is that you need a full mastectomy, and sometimes doctors don't tell you this because they want to spare you emotional pain. But the emotional pain is a lot worse if your cancer comes back. I've heard of many such cases, and the person always regrets just getting the lumpectomy the first time around. Regardless, there are a lot of studies on the importance of each type of surgery, and the results differ based on the details of the specific breast cancer. This is, thankfully, one very easy decision to make if you care about the data.
Proverbs 2:6, "For the Lord gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowleddge and understanding."
If you're very sensitive or completely thrown off by the prospect of a mastectomy, it might be that you could have a lumpectomy first, then when you're mentally prepared have the mastectomy. You might be able to have that at the same time as reconstruction, which is a LOT better, mentally. I really wanted Dr. Crooms to do my removal though, and a guy in Gainesville is my top choice for the reconstruction, so on top of no one offering the lumpectomy first, I did it separately.
MY TYPE OF MASTECTOMY:
There are all kinds of mastectomies and reconstruction. There are skin and nipple sparing (they sew your nipples to a different part of your body and "save" them for later!) removals, but the plastic surgeons I spoke to requested that my skin be pulled very tightly because that's better for radiation. Apparently the radiation permanently ruins your skin and tissue, with results changing more for months after radiation ends. So my tissue and nipples were all removed, and the skin pulled taut. When I get reconstruction later I will have new skin put on to replace that.
Some people are good candidates for implants, but I wasn't. I thought it was because of having radiation but I know of someone who got them with radiation, so it might be up to the doctor. I didn't want implants anyway, because there are a lot of options now of how the plastic surgeon can use my extra fat to create new breasts. I'm hoping to get one called DIEP, which is when they pull off my stomach muscles, dissect the fat off, then put the muscle back on my stomach. They would give me a tummy tuck and use that skin to create the new ones!!!! I knew I was saving all that tummy fat for something!!!! If I don't have enough fat (yeah, right!), they will also use an implant.
So, the DIEP sounds great, except that if I was getting implants I could have had expanders put in during the mastectomy. Over time, they are filled with liquid to stretch out your skin, then eventually are replaced with the implants. The point is that after a mastectomy you have something there instead of being so naked (more on that below). That would be awesome and after my surgery I desperately wished I had found someone willing to do that for me. However, a girl who had that surgery around the time of mine just had to have an emergency back flap procedure because something went wrong with the expander. She really didn't want that procedure done, and was totally unprepared to have to race to the hospital and get it done. Plus, they say those expanders hurt quite a bit.
BEFORE YOUR SURGERY:
I read that I would need sports bras that opened or zipped in the front, but I couldn't find them. It isn't what you really need anyway. You need to order mastectomy camisoles and sleeping bras with breast forms. You need them because it will probably be 1-2 months before you can wear real prosthetics but you can wear these forms (one size fits all, they're like little pillows) home from the hospital. They actually provide a little padding that helped me with comfort. They are NOT all the same, so order them with plenty of time. TLC is a common cancer website with some good products, but plenty of bad ones. It can be really frustrating. You can remove the forms and use them in many tops. They don't touch your skin directly so I was fine with 2 sets. I heard the hospital normally gives you one camisole and forms to wear home, but I didn't get anything. I found these brands to be good: Too Beautiful (the cutest, by far), Elita and Amoena. I bought a TLC brand open-front camisole and forms, and it was the WORST. AWFUL. Remember that the camisoles/tank-tops that open in the front are helpful at first, but they usually need to be worn under something. Mine ended up looking bulky so either get a smaller size or more sleep/sports bra types. Make sure you own at least one top with a drain holder for the beginning.
Someone lent me a drain squeezer. You can see them at www.tube-evac.com. Unfortunately I can't tell where to buy them but it is worth contacting them (Mayo Clinic just gives them out). It was AWESOME and very helpful. I cannot tell you enough how great it was. Squeezing drains doesn't seem like a huge problem, but when you use a squeezer you can't stop smiling from the improvement.
Sometimes it's better not to know what to expect, or what could go wrong. But you obviously still need to plan for things like childcare or work for after surgery. Make sure to ask your surgeon all about his plan for what you can lift and when. Dr. Crooms is of the "do what you can handle" school of thought, so I didn't have stipulations. But some peope get very strict guidelines that could change your plans.
Make sure to get mentally prepared for the surgery, but I don't know how to do this besides through prayer. So, get to it.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-8
SURGERY:
If you've had other surgeries, this is pretty much the same. Dr. Crooms is a general surgeon so mine was done at the Surgery Center of TMH. Incidentally, some people specialize in breast surgery. I'm sure they're great, but EVERY time I've shown a professional my scars he has wanted to know who did the surgery and remarks at how great it looks. So, if you're local, go to Dr. Crooms! If you're not local, you could still go to Dr. Crooms! Otherwise, don't automaticlly balk at the prospect of having a general surgeon. DO talk to people and get their experienced recommendation though.
I had the typical procedure, including a pre-operative appointment a few weeks before surgery, then the day before the procedure I called for the time and instructions on how to prepare. It was just no food or water after midnight. At the hospital I got the IV quickly and hung out with my mom for a bit. The scary part for me is always when they wheel me into the waiting room, where I'm all alone and completely sober. This time they let me wait in the pediatric surgery room because that's private, in case he wanted to come in and mark me up beforehand. The last time I had to wait in the other surgical waiting area and I felt like a cow being corralled with the rest of the herd. A nurse said I wouldn't remember that part so I guess they assume people will be out of it and they can treat us however they like. But I remember every second. Every embarassing question they asked the men around me, etc. It was scary, sad, and very lonely.
Anyway, in the pediatric waiting area there are paintings on the ceiling, signed by patients. It was really sad to think of the children who had waited in that room, so scared, before.
The surgery was a few hours and I woke up in considerable pain. I didn't know how much pain to expect though, so when a nurse asked I told her I was fine (I meant that I could handle it while she got me medicine). When I finally was about to scream from the agony she said, "can you still not feel anything?" and I realized that they'd really thought I wasn't in any pain at all. She gave me a morphine drip that I could activate every 7 minutes. I used it frantically, afraid to even sleep in case I would awaken up in severe pain. I thought I needed to let the morphine build up in my system but It turned out I didn't need it at all. The pain never got as bad as it was right after surgery. After about a day I figured out that I wasn't even in pain and didn't use it again. They don't let you off the IV or oxygen until you're off the morphine and IV drugs, so it's a good thing to get off it.
I stayed all 3 days there, because I thought going home would be too hard to deal with the kids, etc. It probably would have been fine but we'll never know. This type of surgery is not the same as when you have a child though, so my mom stayed the first night to help with all the cords/bathroom trips, but otherwise I stayed alone.
Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
AFTER SURGERY:
The nurses took the bandages off before I left, so I couldn't hide from my mutilated body. I had a drain on each side and maybe 60 staples. They taught me to empty my drains and record how much fluid was removed, but I never reported it to anyone. Nurse Karen at Dr. Crooms office just checked me out then removed the drains at my first follow-up appt (1 week after surgery). She also removed my staples and replaced them with steri-strips. In case I haven't mentioned it, she is one of my favorite people. She taught me some exercises to do to improve my range of motion too.
I holed up in our bedroom for almost a week after surgery. I just sat in the dark watching tv. I imagined spending a lot of time with God during this time, but mostly felt numb and a little abandoned by Him. He snapped me out of it one day though and that was the only depressive-type of episode I had about it.
I was not ecstatic that Karen made me start "exercising". I hoped bedrest would be on the prescription pad, not a bunch of uncomfortable moves. I did them a few times a day for a few days, then petered off. I at least try to do some extra stretches as I'm sitting around. I ended up with full range of motion in my right arm (no lymphnode removal), and almost full range in my left arm. So, God is awesome and maybe my full-time job of child-rearing works my muscles well.
The most helpful thing I learned while recovering: Karen said, "it's going to feel like you're doing something wrong or pulling out your stitches". That was VERY good to know, because that is EXACTLY what it felt like. It's actually just breaking down scar tissue, but I feel it ripping and it definitely seems like I should stop. Instead I know I should keep going.
RANDOM FACTS AND GROSS STUFF:
There is gross and weird stuff going on now. I don't look like you'd expect--I imagined looking like a man, but it's worse than that. I look like a mutilated person for sure. People were created in God's image, and He did NOT look like this. I still have my post-pregnancy fat stomach, but as it goes upward I actually have a "two-pack" of muscles that jut out. If my stomach was flat this might be normal-looking, but as it is is creepy.
Next--you know that crevice between everyone's breasts/chest muscles? Cleavage, I guess. Well, I still have it. I guess it's bone or cartilage, so I have that indention, and the outsides of that protrude from the middle of my chest. Then it all sinks in around it.
Finally, the GROSSEST is so bad. I would actually put a picture on here because I feel like an alien already, but I wouldn't want it to be banned from the internet due to the yuckiness...Are you ready for this? When I move a certain way when getting ready, it makes my tiny pectoral muscles flex. They are the size of ping pong balls. The rest of my chest stays flat, and these little golf balls pop out, very similar to "bug eyes" that might burst out of a cartoon character's face. I'm probably not describing it well, but it is SO weird and icky.
That's all I can think of. I'm so fortunate and blessed to have been healed of this horrendous disease that I don't feel sorry for myself when I see the scars. I just feel joy that I am a child of God, and that this gross body is just temporary.
2 Cor 4:16, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Make sure to ask any questions I didn't answer while it's all still fresh in my mind! Also, add any helpful tips from your own experience to the comments section!
ADDED 8/9: If you live in Tallahassee, you can go to A Woman's Place at TMH for prescription prosthetics. It's a little complicated but much easier than dealing with online purchases, because there are so many types, materials, sizes, and shapes to pick from. At A Woman's Place you call them and they arrange for a prescription from the surgeon, a referral from the general practitioner, and a fitting 4-6 weeks after surgery. You can try everything on there and let you take some things home, ordering the others for you.
There are a ton of sites where you can find things to do to prepare, but the ones I saw didn't explain things well. I'm sure these surgeries vary a lot by location and type, but some truths are consistent.
MY TYPE OF SURGERY:
I had what was called a bilateral mastectomy and lymphnode removal, which just means both breasts were removed. On one side, 11 lymphnodes were taken. I had cancer on just one side, but due to my BRCA status and size of the original tumor, it was very likely to spread to my other side anyway. It is also very difficult to "match" a real one during reconstruction, so all-around I felt better with having both removed. In addition, after a mastectomy you don't need mammograms (usually), so that's one less thing I have to do (and stress about) in the future.
LUMPECTOMY OR MASTECTOMY?
Many people elect to have just a lumpectomy instead of full removal. The original size of my tumor was 7 cm, so a minimum of 1/3 of the breast would have been removed, which would require reconstruction or weird pads for the future. As you know, I was cancer-free by the time I had the surgery, but because of the stage 4 aspect, Dr. Rassam recommended the full mastectomy in case the cancer returned and could not be reduced (this is called a hygenic mastectomy). Blah blah. I just prayed about it, and the data were very clear that the mastectomy for my tumor type was the way to go. God made me love research for a reason, maybe this was it. I felt fine going through with it.
Radiation also goes smoother without breasts.
If you are ever diagnosed with breast cancer, search and read a lot about the recommendations for your specific type. Your cancer will be tested to see if it is sensitive to estrogen, progesterone and her2. If it is not sensitive to any of the three, that is called "triple negative" and treatment options are more limited. Mine had a slight estrogen sensitivity, and was negative to the others. Anyway, this status and the size alters the effectiveness of lumpectomy and mastectomy. The "worse" cancer you have, the more likely it is that you need a full mastectomy, and sometimes doctors don't tell you this because they want to spare you emotional pain. But the emotional pain is a lot worse if your cancer comes back. I've heard of many such cases, and the person always regrets just getting the lumpectomy the first time around. Regardless, there are a lot of studies on the importance of each type of surgery, and the results differ based on the details of the specific breast cancer. This is, thankfully, one very easy decision to make if you care about the data.
Proverbs 2:6, "For the Lord gives wisdom, and from His mouth come knowleddge and understanding."
If you're very sensitive or completely thrown off by the prospect of a mastectomy, it might be that you could have a lumpectomy first, then when you're mentally prepared have the mastectomy. You might be able to have that at the same time as reconstruction, which is a LOT better, mentally. I really wanted Dr. Crooms to do my removal though, and a guy in Gainesville is my top choice for the reconstruction, so on top of no one offering the lumpectomy first, I did it separately.
MY TYPE OF MASTECTOMY:
There are all kinds of mastectomies and reconstruction. There are skin and nipple sparing (they sew your nipples to a different part of your body and "save" them for later!) removals, but the plastic surgeons I spoke to requested that my skin be pulled very tightly because that's better for radiation. Apparently the radiation permanently ruins your skin and tissue, with results changing more for months after radiation ends. So my tissue and nipples were all removed, and the skin pulled taut. When I get reconstruction later I will have new skin put on to replace that.
Some people are good candidates for implants, but I wasn't. I thought it was because of having radiation but I know of someone who got them with radiation, so it might be up to the doctor. I didn't want implants anyway, because there are a lot of options now of how the plastic surgeon can use my extra fat to create new breasts. I'm hoping to get one called DIEP, which is when they pull off my stomach muscles, dissect the fat off, then put the muscle back on my stomach. They would give me a tummy tuck and use that skin to create the new ones!!!! I knew I was saving all that tummy fat for something!!!! If I don't have enough fat (yeah, right!), they will also use an implant.
So, the DIEP sounds great, except that if I was getting implants I could have had expanders put in during the mastectomy. Over time, they are filled with liquid to stretch out your skin, then eventually are replaced with the implants. The point is that after a mastectomy you have something there instead of being so naked (more on that below). That would be awesome and after my surgery I desperately wished I had found someone willing to do that for me. However, a girl who had that surgery around the time of mine just had to have an emergency back flap procedure because something went wrong with the expander. She really didn't want that procedure done, and was totally unprepared to have to race to the hospital and get it done. Plus, they say those expanders hurt quite a bit.
BEFORE YOUR SURGERY:
I read that I would need sports bras that opened or zipped in the front, but I couldn't find them. It isn't what you really need anyway. You need to order mastectomy camisoles and sleeping bras with breast forms. You need them because it will probably be 1-2 months before you can wear real prosthetics but you can wear these forms (one size fits all, they're like little pillows) home from the hospital. They actually provide a little padding that helped me with comfort. They are NOT all the same, so order them with plenty of time. TLC is a common cancer website with some good products, but plenty of bad ones. It can be really frustrating. You can remove the forms and use them in many tops. They don't touch your skin directly so I was fine with 2 sets. I heard the hospital normally gives you one camisole and forms to wear home, but I didn't get anything. I found these brands to be good: Too Beautiful (the cutest, by far), Elita and Amoena. I bought a TLC brand open-front camisole and forms, and it was the WORST. AWFUL. Remember that the camisoles/tank-tops that open in the front are helpful at first, but they usually need to be worn under something. Mine ended up looking bulky so either get a smaller size or more sleep/sports bra types. Make sure you own at least one top with a drain holder for the beginning.
Someone lent me a drain squeezer. You can see them at www.tube-evac.com. Unfortunately I can't tell where to buy them but it is worth contacting them (Mayo Clinic just gives them out). It was AWESOME and very helpful. I cannot tell you enough how great it was. Squeezing drains doesn't seem like a huge problem, but when you use a squeezer you can't stop smiling from the improvement.
Sometimes it's better not to know what to expect, or what could go wrong. But you obviously still need to plan for things like childcare or work for after surgery. Make sure to ask your surgeon all about his plan for what you can lift and when. Dr. Crooms is of the "do what you can handle" school of thought, so I didn't have stipulations. But some peope get very strict guidelines that could change your plans.
Make sure to get mentally prepared for the surgery, but I don't know how to do this besides through prayer. So, get to it.
"Don't worry about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses every thought, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." Phil 4:6-8
SURGERY:
If you've had other surgeries, this is pretty much the same. Dr. Crooms is a general surgeon so mine was done at the Surgery Center of TMH. Incidentally, some people specialize in breast surgery. I'm sure they're great, but EVERY time I've shown a professional my scars he has wanted to know who did the surgery and remarks at how great it looks. So, if you're local, go to Dr. Crooms! If you're not local, you could still go to Dr. Crooms! Otherwise, don't automaticlly balk at the prospect of having a general surgeon. DO talk to people and get their experienced recommendation though.
I had the typical procedure, including a pre-operative appointment a few weeks before surgery, then the day before the procedure I called for the time and instructions on how to prepare. It was just no food or water after midnight. At the hospital I got the IV quickly and hung out with my mom for a bit. The scary part for me is always when they wheel me into the waiting room, where I'm all alone and completely sober. This time they let me wait in the pediatric surgery room because that's private, in case he wanted to come in and mark me up beforehand. The last time I had to wait in the other surgical waiting area and I felt like a cow being corralled with the rest of the herd. A nurse said I wouldn't remember that part so I guess they assume people will be out of it and they can treat us however they like. But I remember every second. Every embarassing question they asked the men around me, etc. It was scary, sad, and very lonely.
Anyway, in the pediatric waiting area there are paintings on the ceiling, signed by patients. It was really sad to think of the children who had waited in that room, so scared, before.
The surgery was a few hours and I woke up in considerable pain. I didn't know how much pain to expect though, so when a nurse asked I told her I was fine (I meant that I could handle it while she got me medicine). When I finally was about to scream from the agony she said, "can you still not feel anything?" and I realized that they'd really thought I wasn't in any pain at all. She gave me a morphine drip that I could activate every 7 minutes. I used it frantically, afraid to even sleep in case I would awaken up in severe pain. I thought I needed to let the morphine build up in my system but It turned out I didn't need it at all. The pain never got as bad as it was right after surgery. After about a day I figured out that I wasn't even in pain and didn't use it again. They don't let you off the IV or oxygen until you're off the morphine and IV drugs, so it's a good thing to get off it.
I stayed all 3 days there, because I thought going home would be too hard to deal with the kids, etc. It probably would have been fine but we'll never know. This type of surgery is not the same as when you have a child though, so my mom stayed the first night to help with all the cords/bathroom trips, but otherwise I stayed alone.
Isaiah 40:29, "He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak."
AFTER SURGERY:
The nurses took the bandages off before I left, so I couldn't hide from my mutilated body. I had a drain on each side and maybe 60 staples. They taught me to empty my drains and record how much fluid was removed, but I never reported it to anyone. Nurse Karen at Dr. Crooms office just checked me out then removed the drains at my first follow-up appt (1 week after surgery). She also removed my staples and replaced them with steri-strips. In case I haven't mentioned it, she is one of my favorite people. She taught me some exercises to do to improve my range of motion too.
I holed up in our bedroom for almost a week after surgery. I just sat in the dark watching tv. I imagined spending a lot of time with God during this time, but mostly felt numb and a little abandoned by Him. He snapped me out of it one day though and that was the only depressive-type of episode I had about it.
I was not ecstatic that Karen made me start "exercising". I hoped bedrest would be on the prescription pad, not a bunch of uncomfortable moves. I did them a few times a day for a few days, then petered off. I at least try to do some extra stretches as I'm sitting around. I ended up with full range of motion in my right arm (no lymphnode removal), and almost full range in my left arm. So, God is awesome and maybe my full-time job of child-rearing works my muscles well.
The most helpful thing I learned while recovering: Karen said, "it's going to feel like you're doing something wrong or pulling out your stitches". That was VERY good to know, because that is EXACTLY what it felt like. It's actually just breaking down scar tissue, but I feel it ripping and it definitely seems like I should stop. Instead I know I should keep going.
RANDOM FACTS AND GROSS STUFF:
There is gross and weird stuff going on now. I don't look like you'd expect--I imagined looking like a man, but it's worse than that. I look like a mutilated person for sure. People were created in God's image, and He did NOT look like this. I still have my post-pregnancy fat stomach, but as it goes upward I actually have a "two-pack" of muscles that jut out. If my stomach was flat this might be normal-looking, but as it is is creepy.
Next--you know that crevice between everyone's breasts/chest muscles? Cleavage, I guess. Well, I still have it. I guess it's bone or cartilage, so I have that indention, and the outsides of that protrude from the middle of my chest. Then it all sinks in around it.
Finally, the GROSSEST is so bad. I would actually put a picture on here because I feel like an alien already, but I wouldn't want it to be banned from the internet due to the yuckiness...Are you ready for this? When I move a certain way when getting ready, it makes my tiny pectoral muscles flex. They are the size of ping pong balls. The rest of my chest stays flat, and these little golf balls pop out, very similar to "bug eyes" that might burst out of a cartoon character's face. I'm probably not describing it well, but it is SO weird and icky.
That's all I can think of. I'm so fortunate and blessed to have been healed of this horrendous disease that I don't feel sorry for myself when I see the scars. I just feel joy that I am a child of God, and that this gross body is just temporary.
2 Cor 4:16, "Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day."
Make sure to ask any questions I didn't answer while it's all still fresh in my mind! Also, add any helpful tips from your own experience to the comments section!
ADDED 8/9: If you live in Tallahassee, you can go to A Woman's Place at TMH for prescription prosthetics. It's a little complicated but much easier than dealing with online purchases, because there are so many types, materials, sizes, and shapes to pick from. At A Woman's Place you call them and they arrange for a prescription from the surgeon, a referral from the general practitioner, and a fitting 4-6 weeks after surgery. You can try everything on there and let you take some things home, ordering the others for you.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Tips for those getting assessed for breast cancer
Well, I'm an "expert" now so I'm going to make some lists of random things that have or could have helped me through cancer and beyond. Maybe I'm not actually an expert but I know more than I wish I did about it. Today I'll write up some things I verbally advise people about for early days in the diagnosis process, and then sometime soon I'll put in one about surgery tips and how to support people with cancer. These tips are from my own experience and remember I am very, very unique (just like you!) so just consider these guidelines.
The secret reason for this post is that people give me inside info (yes, gossip) about some of the doctors in Tallahassee, and one in particular has done something so awful his patient is unlikely to recover, even though his cancer was initially curable. But the other day I ran into someone who sees him and I found it really difficult to hold my tongue. I did, primarily because she's almost done with treatment so it would have just been gossip. But it got me thinking that maybe I could help people be aware of ways to prevent awful situations like that.
Cancer and health problems are scary, so I hate the idea of adding fuel to anyone's fears. But I know of lots of horror stories, and my own could have been one. Very narrowly missed being one. So for the few people whose fears become reality here are a few tips starting with diagnosis:
1. Do your monthly self-exam ALL the time. By the time you can feel a lump (which is called being "palpable"), it's well-developed. If any women in your family have had breast cancer, you could be eligible to get early mammograms. My doctors recommend having my girls get screened 10 years before my diagnosis. That's when they're 22 years old. I am BRCA1 positive and thus can get them tested via blood test for that when they are 18. If you can't demonstrate a genetic or other cause for early mammograms, your doctor will recommend them starting at either age 40 or 50, there is some debate on this. Remember that mammograms are not enough--I know someone who had a clear one last year and this year was diagnosed at Stage 4.
2. If you have a lump of any sort, don't panic! Pray and repeat important Bible verses, like Ps 56:3, "When I am afraid I will trust in you." Don't let your mind wander or worry. Just call your doctor immediately (general practitioner or gynocologist will be fine) and get in right away. If he won't find a way for someone to see you within a business day he's not a good doctor. You might think I'm kidding. I'm not. (There might be an exception if you freak out about everything, because then they might not take you seriously. Not sure how to fix that, but try!)
3. Most lumps are nothing. Almost all of them, actually. The younger you are and the less family links to cancer make it more and more unlikely to be cancerous. Still, there are tons of stories about misdiagnosis, etc. My general practitioner sent me for an ultrasound and scheduled a mammogram, but the ultrasound technician misdiagnosed me then canceled my mammogram. So, no matter what they say it is (a cyst, galactocele, fibroid, adenoma, etc.), I would say pray about it (of course), but at least consider demanding a biopsy. The biopsy is a tangible way to determine what a lump is, whereas the others require more human interpretation and thus mistakes.
4. So, you still don't panic, whether your tests come back as clear, abnormal, or cancerous. Just keep praying. There are a few types of biopsy (needles are not intrusive, surgery is). I had a fine needle one and core needle one. Neither hurts, it's just a mental issue. Just feel like a shot. My fine needle one came back as abnormal, which is again, very frequently NOT cancer. I saw Dr. Crooms (my general surgeon) after that, and he could have chosen to do a surgical removal (lumpectomy probably), but decided on a core needle biopsy first. That is a really, really big deal. If I had gone to a bad general surgeon, he might have skipped the second needle biopsy and done a surgical one instead. It happens all the time. That mistake can kill you! If you have a lot of cancer you often need chemo BEFORE surgery. If you have surgery first it slows you down because you have to recover before treatment. Sometimes they cut you open and can't even get all the cancer, so you have tons of extra stress and trauma.
The point? Always, always, always get personal recommendations for your surgeon and doctors, AND a second opinion or hard evidence before surgery. In my case Dr. Crooms chose to get the evidence* before recommending surgery. I'll talk about that below, but it definitively showed it was cancer so he ordered a PET/CT scan and brain MRI to see if it had spread BEFORE surgery. Good move!!!!! Great move!!! I didn't get a second surgical opinion, but the oncologists I saw all agreed with that decision.
*Abnormal biopsy results are not always cancerous, especially as I was also breast feeding which can confuse cells. That first biopsy could have come back as conclusively cancerous then there wouldn't have been a need for another biopsy. So the second biopsy was basically for more info. The frozen section is a way for doctors to get a quick look at the cells that were removed. They are only slightly less accurate than a permanent section and take much less time. I believe a permanent section is always done, but ask your practitioner (and insist on one) first. My frozen section came back as an adenoma even though it was cancer. So a few days after receiving "good" news, we got the call that it was actually bad.
5. Always get multiple opinions BEFORE surgery or treatment starts. If it looks bad you will be anxious to hurry up but if you start the treatment first it can be much worse to change it later. For example, many (or all?) types of chemo can only be given once in a lifetime because your body builds up immunity to it. So if you go for a few treatments then ask another doctor what he thinks, you either can't take his advice or have to waste your chance to ever get the original treatment again down the road. And who wants to doubt that choice forever?
One trick about getting the multiple opinions is to schedule them at the same time. You don't need to meet with one doctor then make an appointment with the next. Just call them both and schedule for ASAP. It's your life.
When possible, try not to tell your other doctors what the original said. That way they won't accidentally be biased by evaluating the original advice. You want independent information first, then you can ask each what they think of the other.
Take notes on EVERYTHING. Remember to get lots of doctor recommendations, but go with the one you fit with best. Some people prefer a good bedside manner over certain medical training, especially if their cancer has a relatively standard treatment.
6. If you end up with cancer you'll probably have a medical team treating you. You still don't panic though because God is in control. He IS!!!!! At many hospitals the cancer doctors work together so you don't have to figure it all out. Mine don't exactly work together so I sort of make sure they know what each other is up to as needed. My medical oncologist is (or should be) the boss though. This depends on the whole issue, but he should be very aware of surgery and radiation stuff/scheduling before you do any of it. I know of a case where a patient started radiation without his oncologist being aware, and they were supposed to be done in conjunction. That will keep your treatment from working. Boo!!!!!!!!!!
That's all I can think of right now. If anyone has things to add, put them in the comments section. There are more details and verses about my own experiences throughout this blog, but I couldn't explain much without including some personal details.
The secret reason for this post is that people give me inside info (yes, gossip) about some of the doctors in Tallahassee, and one in particular has done something so awful his patient is unlikely to recover, even though his cancer was initially curable. But the other day I ran into someone who sees him and I found it really difficult to hold my tongue. I did, primarily because she's almost done with treatment so it would have just been gossip. But it got me thinking that maybe I could help people be aware of ways to prevent awful situations like that.
Cancer and health problems are scary, so I hate the idea of adding fuel to anyone's fears. But I know of lots of horror stories, and my own could have been one. Very narrowly missed being one. So for the few people whose fears become reality here are a few tips starting with diagnosis:
1. Do your monthly self-exam ALL the time. By the time you can feel a lump (which is called being "palpable"), it's well-developed. If any women in your family have had breast cancer, you could be eligible to get early mammograms. My doctors recommend having my girls get screened 10 years before my diagnosis. That's when they're 22 years old. I am BRCA1 positive and thus can get them tested via blood test for that when they are 18. If you can't demonstrate a genetic or other cause for early mammograms, your doctor will recommend them starting at either age 40 or 50, there is some debate on this. Remember that mammograms are not enough--I know someone who had a clear one last year and this year was diagnosed at Stage 4.
2. If you have a lump of any sort, don't panic! Pray and repeat important Bible verses, like Ps 56:3, "When I am afraid I will trust in you." Don't let your mind wander or worry. Just call your doctor immediately (general practitioner or gynocologist will be fine) and get in right away. If he won't find a way for someone to see you within a business day he's not a good doctor. You might think I'm kidding. I'm not. (There might be an exception if you freak out about everything, because then they might not take you seriously. Not sure how to fix that, but try!)
3. Most lumps are nothing. Almost all of them, actually. The younger you are and the less family links to cancer make it more and more unlikely to be cancerous. Still, there are tons of stories about misdiagnosis, etc. My general practitioner sent me for an ultrasound and scheduled a mammogram, but the ultrasound technician misdiagnosed me then canceled my mammogram. So, no matter what they say it is (a cyst, galactocele, fibroid, adenoma, etc.), I would say pray about it (of course), but at least consider demanding a biopsy. The biopsy is a tangible way to determine what a lump is, whereas the others require more human interpretation and thus mistakes.
4. So, you still don't panic, whether your tests come back as clear, abnormal, or cancerous. Just keep praying. There are a few types of biopsy (needles are not intrusive, surgery is). I had a fine needle one and core needle one. Neither hurts, it's just a mental issue. Just feel like a shot. My fine needle one came back as abnormal, which is again, very frequently NOT cancer. I saw Dr. Crooms (my general surgeon) after that, and he could have chosen to do a surgical removal (lumpectomy probably), but decided on a core needle biopsy first. That is a really, really big deal. If I had gone to a bad general surgeon, he might have skipped the second needle biopsy and done a surgical one instead. It happens all the time. That mistake can kill you! If you have a lot of cancer you often need chemo BEFORE surgery. If you have surgery first it slows you down because you have to recover before treatment. Sometimes they cut you open and can't even get all the cancer, so you have tons of extra stress and trauma.
The point? Always, always, always get personal recommendations for your surgeon and doctors, AND a second opinion or hard evidence before surgery. In my case Dr. Crooms chose to get the evidence* before recommending surgery. I'll talk about that below, but it definitively showed it was cancer so he ordered a PET/CT scan and brain MRI to see if it had spread BEFORE surgery. Good move!!!!! Great move!!! I didn't get a second surgical opinion, but the oncologists I saw all agreed with that decision.
*Abnormal biopsy results are not always cancerous, especially as I was also breast feeding which can confuse cells. That first biopsy could have come back as conclusively cancerous then there wouldn't have been a need for another biopsy. So the second biopsy was basically for more info. The frozen section is a way for doctors to get a quick look at the cells that were removed. They are only slightly less accurate than a permanent section and take much less time. I believe a permanent section is always done, but ask your practitioner (and insist on one) first. My frozen section came back as an adenoma even though it was cancer. So a few days after receiving "good" news, we got the call that it was actually bad.
5. Always get multiple opinions BEFORE surgery or treatment starts. If it looks bad you will be anxious to hurry up but if you start the treatment first it can be much worse to change it later. For example, many (or all?) types of chemo can only be given once in a lifetime because your body builds up immunity to it. So if you go for a few treatments then ask another doctor what he thinks, you either can't take his advice or have to waste your chance to ever get the original treatment again down the road. And who wants to doubt that choice forever?
One trick about getting the multiple opinions is to schedule them at the same time. You don't need to meet with one doctor then make an appointment with the next. Just call them both and schedule for ASAP. It's your life.
When possible, try not to tell your other doctors what the original said. That way they won't accidentally be biased by evaluating the original advice. You want independent information first, then you can ask each what they think of the other.
Take notes on EVERYTHING. Remember to get lots of doctor recommendations, but go with the one you fit with best. Some people prefer a good bedside manner over certain medical training, especially if their cancer has a relatively standard treatment.
Psalm 112:7 "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD."
6. If you end up with cancer you'll probably have a medical team treating you. You still don't panic though because God is in control. He IS!!!!! At many hospitals the cancer doctors work together so you don't have to figure it all out. Mine don't exactly work together so I sort of make sure they know what each other is up to as needed. My medical oncologist is (or should be) the boss though. This depends on the whole issue, but he should be very aware of surgery and radiation stuff/scheduling before you do any of it. I know of a case where a patient started radiation without his oncologist being aware, and they were supposed to be done in conjunction. That will keep your treatment from working. Boo!!!!!!!!!!
That's all I can think of right now. If anyone has things to add, put them in the comments section. There are more details and verses about my own experiences throughout this blog, but I couldn't explain much without including some personal details.
Psalm 86:2, " Guard my life, for I am devoted to you. You are my God; save your servant who trusts in you."
Friday, June 8, 2012
Miracle Stories
I received the "Hero for Hope" award tonight from The Ride for Hope (www.therideforhope.com). In my acceptance I stumbled over my words and didn't say exactly what I had planned, but Yaacov says it was good so I'm not going to worry about it. They surprised me by having Dr. Crooms come to present me with the award. He was literally between surgeries--after finishing one he put on a suit and raced to the fairgrounds, then back to TMH for the next procedure. It was so nice. Plus, I actually saw him yesterday for the post-op visit and he didn't clue me in that he'd be there.
Tonight was great. We couldn't get a sitter so took the girls with us. They were a bit ansy because it spilled over to bedtime, but I can't tell you how sweet it was to sit up on the stage and watch them. Abigail was cheering me on and making faces to entertain me. Naomi was walking around, eating Cheetos (anything to keep her quiet!) and smiling with true joy. This is what I've been fighting for. TOTALLY worth it.
The organization honors someone new every year. It was set up in honor of a man named Lou Farrah. If I understand correctly, he had some type of really bad, inoperable cancer (not sure if he'd been fighting already or it came out of nowhere), and everyone said there was nothing that could be done, he was going to die really soon. Then he saw Dr. Crooms. It was really late at night and Crooms checked him out and left for a minute. He came back into the room and said, "I can operate but it has to be right now". So surgery started at something like 10pm and was successful. He lived three years or so more because of Dr. Crooms taking the chance on him. Dr. Crooms was the first recipient of the Hero for Hope award, and I think Lou was able to present it to him. I met Mrs. Farrah today and she was putting on a brave face. She is very kind but misses him terribly. She said she should be over it (I think it's been 7 years or so), but it's still very hard.
I have been hearing a lot of stories like this, and they get me thinking. A few people have mentioned how nice it would be to document things like that. It leaves a legacy, which seems comforting. Maybe it would give Mrs. Farrah great joy to tell Lou's story again and have tons of strangers read it. The stories also give people hope and it's good to get all the details on paper to distribute rather than let them get distorted through word of mouth. I'm not sure I can do the stories justice, or what kind of format to put them in, but maybe I'll start collecting them then figure it out. I might be able to submit them as articles to magazines or put them in a book at some point. So, if you're reading this and have a cool miracle story, please email me at epetscher@gmail.com.
I am so happy. Overjoyed by all my blessings. Abigail prayed for salvation the other night. Do you know how bittersweet and heart-wrenching that would have been if I still had cancer? One of the things I had prayed for through cancer was to see that moment before I died, so it would have felt like one box marked off the to-do list before I ascend into heaven. As it was I got to truly enjoy the moment instead of thinking like that.
Abigail's always been a happy "Christian", but we weren't sure when to make it official. We wanted to make sure she understood what she was praying, but there's no magic age we could decide on. So, because of all the questions she's been asking lately, salvation came up a lot. She jumped at the chance to secure hers and we went for it. We videotaped it so at least she'll have that if she doesn't happen to remember it as an adult. I thought maybe once per year we would have an anniversary celebration of that day and watch the video and reminisce. Not that I (or any of us) have assurance that I'll be around next year, but I also don't see anything getting in the way. Certainly not cancer!!!!
Tonight was great. We couldn't get a sitter so took the girls with us. They were a bit ansy because it spilled over to bedtime, but I can't tell you how sweet it was to sit up on the stage and watch them. Abigail was cheering me on and making faces to entertain me. Naomi was walking around, eating Cheetos (anything to keep her quiet!) and smiling with true joy. This is what I've been fighting for. TOTALLY worth it.
The organization honors someone new every year. It was set up in honor of a man named Lou Farrah. If I understand correctly, he had some type of really bad, inoperable cancer (not sure if he'd been fighting already or it came out of nowhere), and everyone said there was nothing that could be done, he was going to die really soon. Then he saw Dr. Crooms. It was really late at night and Crooms checked him out and left for a minute. He came back into the room and said, "I can operate but it has to be right now". So surgery started at something like 10pm and was successful. He lived three years or so more because of Dr. Crooms taking the chance on him. Dr. Crooms was the first recipient of the Hero for Hope award, and I think Lou was able to present it to him. I met Mrs. Farrah today and she was putting on a brave face. She is very kind but misses him terribly. She said she should be over it (I think it's been 7 years or so), but it's still very hard.
I have been hearing a lot of stories like this, and they get me thinking. A few people have mentioned how nice it would be to document things like that. It leaves a legacy, which seems comforting. Maybe it would give Mrs. Farrah great joy to tell Lou's story again and have tons of strangers read it. The stories also give people hope and it's good to get all the details on paper to distribute rather than let them get distorted through word of mouth. I'm not sure I can do the stories justice, or what kind of format to put them in, but maybe I'll start collecting them then figure it out. I might be able to submit them as articles to magazines or put them in a book at some point. So, if you're reading this and have a cool miracle story, please email me at epetscher@gmail.com.
I am so happy. Overjoyed by all my blessings. Abigail prayed for salvation the other night. Do you know how bittersweet and heart-wrenching that would have been if I still had cancer? One of the things I had prayed for through cancer was to see that moment before I died, so it would have felt like one box marked off the to-do list before I ascend into heaven. As it was I got to truly enjoy the moment instead of thinking like that.
Abigail's always been a happy "Christian", but we weren't sure when to make it official. We wanted to make sure she understood what she was praying, but there's no magic age we could decide on. So, because of all the questions she's been asking lately, salvation came up a lot. She jumped at the chance to secure hers and we went for it. We videotaped it so at least she'll have that if she doesn't happen to remember it as an adult. I thought maybe once per year we would have an anniversary celebration of that day and watch the video and reminisce. Not that I (or any of us) have assurance that I'll be around next year, but I also don't see anything getting in the way. Certainly not cancer!!!!
- "Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen" (Ephesians 3:20-21)
Thursday, June 7, 2012
PET Results and Whatnot
I guess I never got around to reporting my most recent PET scan results--ALL CLEAR, hooray! At this point it's not exactly a surprise because I already knew I was healed. But it is great, great confirmation!
I am still praying about having radiation and taking the Tamoxifen. These are expected by my healthcare providers but I have a hard time doing it while knowing I'm healed. However, the more I pray, the more I believe God wants me to keep it up. So, we'll keep praying and planning on it. The short version of the reason to do it is that these things keep the cancer from coming back. I just have a hard time with God wanting me to do it, because that hints again that there's a chance it will come back. But I felt the same way about finishing chemo and He showed me some other good reasons to go through with it, such as the people I got to speak to because of it.
There's a fundraiser this weekend called the Ride for Hope (www.therideforhope.com). They are going to recognize me tomorrow because I'm supposedly a "Hero for Hope". I am still wrapping my head around this. It is one of the nicest things man has ever done for me, but I'm just accepting the honor on God's behalf.
It will be a great chance to tell people about true Hope, the God of Hope. Hope that is more powerful than circumstances. The great Hope that opens more doors than any man can. The Hope that saw me through this mess, and will see anyone else through theirs. No matter how bad it seems. Or even how minor the situation can appear to other people. God gives this hope freely, we just have to ask. And believe. He will give anyone hope, the only problem is that it doesn't always look the way we want or expect it to. I think it can be really scary to hope in things we do not see because it's giving up control. But if you do it right, it's exhilarating to release that control, especially as it's a perceived notion anyway--none of us really have control, we just think we do.
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" Romans 15:13
Romans 8:24-25, "For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."
That took a different direction than I originally intended. But it's all true so maybe someone needed to read it. Blessings to you all!
Friday, June 1, 2012
Pathology Report
Well, it happened! I just saw my FAVORITE nurse, Karen, who is Dr. Crooms' nurse. She removed my staples, drains, and gave my report from surgery...My pathology report from bilateral mastectomies and removal of 10 lymphnodes came back, NO CANCER!!!!!!!!!!! The phrase, "no evidence of disease" that I was hoping for is not in there, but it doesn't matter. The pathologist who wrote it just kept referring to the original biopsy slides and scars as a reference point for the cancer that would have been there.
Some of this is confusing if you're not familiar with cancer surgeries and my particular case. So, to be clearer: Some people have surgery first, but because mine had already spread I got treatment first and then surgery. The biopsy I had was not a surgical removal of the cancer, but was gathered by puncturing the main tumor with large needles. These needles left scar tissue, which was used a reference point for the report. They did not have cancer in them at the time of removal. For a pathology report they measure "margins", which is the amount of cancer-free tissue that is removed from the cancerous area. The wider the margins, the less chance of recurrence, because it's less likely that loose cancer cells jumped the line before removal. My margins are wide. Probably would have been wide anyway, because of the mastectomy, but the size and location of the original tumor could have made my margins smaller. But there was no original tumor left. It wasn't even reported as a different color, just healthy stuff around the scar tissue that remained from the biopsy zone. Cool.
All that is a long way of saying: God wins, cancer/Satan loses.
God is so good, I feel SO guilty about having thrown myself a pity party this week. I always say that He is good no matter what, but I've been in such a bad, crabby zone lately that it was effortful to convince myself of His awesomeness. But guess what? He loves me anyway! This is evidenced in many ways, not just by healing my cancer.
I often meditate on the fact that He loves me IN SPITE of who I am, not BECAUSE of who I am. I am overcome with gratitude and utter humility just thinking about it. He has chosen me for this journey, molded me, carried me, forgiven me, overlooked my flaws, all to glorify Himself in some way. Can you imagine? A king choosing to be represented by a commoner. A judge entrusting a hardened criminal with his valued possessions. A father selecting his outcast, worthless child to take over his company rather than all the righteous, perfect ones that seemingly deserve it.
I am overcome with joy from my father. I know the doctors will view this is a great outcome from all my medical treatment, but I know better. I know God has healed me, and only time or God himself can convince those with hardened hearts. That's okay. In the meantime, I have many opportunities to share the news and plan to do just that.
"But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it--the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith." --Romans 3: 21-25.
I know I owe a LOT of people phone calls and emails. I plan to reenter the real world soon, and will contact you then. It turns out that hiding out in my room didn't help that much, but it was worth a try.
I had a PET scan today. I don't expect to get the results for probably a week, but let's all keep praying for no cancer at all. At that time I will send all my reports to Mayo and MD Anderson just to update those doctors on everything.
I just noticed that a different version of the Bible (ESV) has a line I didn't catch in whatever version I used when blogging the other day. This added line sums up a fear i had at the begining of this journey--I was afraid that I would be loud about praying to be healed, because if God chose not to it would make Him look bad. And I'm sure I was at least a bit afraid I would look stupid. I remember my pastor teasing me that I didn't need to worry about how God looks, so I made an effort to drop it. But the last line below sums up the issue of ourselves being shamed, and somehow it fits into the whole thing. Nice how it's taken months but He's showing it to me now when I'm ready to receive it.
Romans 5:3-5, "More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowng that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does NOT put us to SHAME, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Hallelujah!
Some of this is confusing if you're not familiar with cancer surgeries and my particular case. So, to be clearer: Some people have surgery first, but because mine had already spread I got treatment first and then surgery. The biopsy I had was not a surgical removal of the cancer, but was gathered by puncturing the main tumor with large needles. These needles left scar tissue, which was used a reference point for the report. They did not have cancer in them at the time of removal. For a pathology report they measure "margins", which is the amount of cancer-free tissue that is removed from the cancerous area. The wider the margins, the less chance of recurrence, because it's less likely that loose cancer cells jumped the line before removal. My margins are wide. Probably would have been wide anyway, because of the mastectomy, but the size and location of the original tumor could have made my margins smaller. But there was no original tumor left. It wasn't even reported as a different color, just healthy stuff around the scar tissue that remained from the biopsy zone. Cool.
All that is a long way of saying: God wins, cancer/Satan loses.
God is so good, I feel SO guilty about having thrown myself a pity party this week. I always say that He is good no matter what, but I've been in such a bad, crabby zone lately that it was effortful to convince myself of His awesomeness. But guess what? He loves me anyway! This is evidenced in many ways, not just by healing my cancer.
I often meditate on the fact that He loves me IN SPITE of who I am, not BECAUSE of who I am. I am overcome with gratitude and utter humility just thinking about it. He has chosen me for this journey, molded me, carried me, forgiven me, overlooked my flaws, all to glorify Himself in some way. Can you imagine? A king choosing to be represented by a commoner. A judge entrusting a hardened criminal with his valued possessions. A father selecting his outcast, worthless child to take over his company rather than all the righteous, perfect ones that seemingly deserve it.
I am overcome with joy from my father. I know the doctors will view this is a great outcome from all my medical treatment, but I know better. I know God has healed me, and only time or God himself can convince those with hardened hearts. That's okay. In the meantime, I have many opportunities to share the news and plan to do just that.
"But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it--the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction: for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a propitiation by his blood, to be received by faith." --Romans 3: 21-25.
I know I owe a LOT of people phone calls and emails. I plan to reenter the real world soon, and will contact you then. It turns out that hiding out in my room didn't help that much, but it was worth a try.
I had a PET scan today. I don't expect to get the results for probably a week, but let's all keep praying for no cancer at all. At that time I will send all my reports to Mayo and MD Anderson just to update those doctors on everything.
I just noticed that a different version of the Bible (ESV) has a line I didn't catch in whatever version I used when blogging the other day. This added line sums up a fear i had at the begining of this journey--I was afraid that I would be loud about praying to be healed, because if God chose not to it would make Him look bad. And I'm sure I was at least a bit afraid I would look stupid. I remember my pastor teasing me that I didn't need to worry about how God looks, so I made an effort to drop it. But the last line below sums up the issue of ourselves being shamed, and somehow it fits into the whole thing. Nice how it's taken months but He's showing it to me now when I'm ready to receive it.
Romans 5:3-5, "More than that, we rejoice in our suffering, knowng that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does NOT put us to SHAME, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us."
Hallelujah!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Today
This is my first bad day since the surgery. I had successfullly stayed in a daze of denial until now. To give you an idea, it is 9:30 am and I am still in bed. Remember, I have children so staying here until 7:30 would have been a luxury. So, the sun was streaming in on me more than usual, and I gingerly stretched and opened my eyes, as if I was to see a beautiful ocean view. Instead, I saw my femininely-painted pink nails, resting on the special mastectomy camisole I slept in. When zipped, the camisole hides my drains and pads my chest, so I almost feel human. But I suppose I unzipped myself for comfort during the night, as my hand was resting comfortably on the zipper, between two enormous sets of hideous scars and staples. The scars look very much like those on Frankenstein's head, to give you an idea. But they're bloody and brown, with a rainbow of bruising surrounding them, instead of a pleasant green that he had.
I'm so down today and don't know how to get through it. I suppose there's no real way to "give up" now anyway. Even if I opted to kill myself I couldn't, because I would look like this in my casket.
Alas, I will get through this too. Something good will come of it, right? I must outlive this cancer to know for certain that the generational mutation I have has been broken and my girls will not suffer from it. I can't tell you how desperately I don't want them to go through this. The testing is supposed to be a good thing, because there are things they can do to decrease their chances of the cancer. But, don't you know, the recommendations are that they have prophylactic mastectomies and their ovaries removed as soon as they are done having children. I understand that as the best-case scenario there are worse things, but right now those are the very difficult realities that are nearly breaking me.
By the way, no pathology report yet but last week I don't think I updated that my tumor markers came back great. A score of 0-40 is for normal people, and mine was 26.5. Amazing!
Romans 5:3-4, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance character; and character, hope."
Excuse me while I go rejoice...
I'm so down today and don't know how to get through it. I suppose there's no real way to "give up" now anyway. Even if I opted to kill myself I couldn't, because I would look like this in my casket.
Alas, I will get through this too. Something good will come of it, right? I must outlive this cancer to know for certain that the generational mutation I have has been broken and my girls will not suffer from it. I can't tell you how desperately I don't want them to go through this. The testing is supposed to be a good thing, because there are things they can do to decrease their chances of the cancer. But, don't you know, the recommendations are that they have prophylactic mastectomies and their ovaries removed as soon as they are done having children. I understand that as the best-case scenario there are worse things, but right now those are the very difficult realities that are nearly breaking me.
By the way, no pathology report yet but last week I don't think I updated that my tumor markers came back great. A score of 0-40 is for normal people, and mine was 26.5. Amazing!
Romans 5:3-4, "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perserverance; perserverance character; and character, hope."
Excuse me while I go rejoice...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Less of me to love...
Well, it's done. I'm home. I will go into some detail for the sake of others in this situation for the future.
First of all, the physical pain from the surgery and recovery is nothing. I had heard that but didn't understand the extent to which it was true. I had a morphine pump at first and used it whenever I was awake, because I was sure the pain would come in and knock me down. It never did. The other procedures I had done hurt much worse than the mastectomy, and I've been off pain meds for two days now.
I thought that being at the hospital would be the one time I didn't have to "look out for me", but I was wrong, and I believe anyone having surgery (especially in Tallahassee) should remember that. For example, now that I've had lymphnodes removed I should never get needle pricks or blood pressure taken from that side. But for days they took blood pressure on the wrong side, and I didn't even think about it until a nurse noticed and told me. She put a big sign up, but after that someone still tried to take it from the wrong side TWICE.
On my last day a lot of things went wrong and they came in and took my blood. I assumed it was because of all the other problems so asked what they were looking for. It turned out they were supposed to have been taking my labs every day, but "forgot" the first two times. And no one noticed, of course.
There were a few more issues like that, but they all worked out so I hesitate to just destroy TMH. The lesson has been learned that I can never let my guard down, though. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Dr. Crooms did the surgery, and as I've mentioned, I love him and trust him entirely. He took more lymphnodes than planned (wasn't sure how many), but not because they looked suspicious, just because they had previously been cancerous. That was cool, because I'd been praying about that but never actually asked him to take more, so I consider it another awesomely answered prayer. And, God put that desire in my heart to pray about in the first place. I'm not going to question why because that opens up doors to let Satan scare me about the answer. The reason doesn't matter. The fact that God put it in my heart to want it, I prayed about it, and it was done for me is enough. Mark 11: 22-24, "And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I started recovering fine, and on Sunday Dr. Crooms said I could either go home then or if I wanted to rest more I could leave Monday morning. Wild horses were not going to get me out of that hospital. I felt the only way to recover was to have people take care of me at the hospital, instead of turning back into a mommy at home. A few hours passed, and a nurse began hinting loudly that I should just go home. Still, I would not be moved or shaken. It was a really good thing I didn't go. All the sudden, we discovered a pool of blood, then my fever spiked and blood pressure dropped. I was lonely and it was scary, but God didn't leave me. I was really low on blood so couldn't stay awake to pray, but He doesn't require that we always stand at attention. Sometimes He provides rest and takes care of the drama. In this case I am convinced it was spiritual warfare, and I was on the right side. The winning side.
I still don't know exactly what happened. The nurse kept saying it was so great that I hadn't gone home. I'm on antibiotics but don't know if the blood culture came back as infected. Dr. Crooms said I could have a transfusion, but it wasn't required (my "count" was 25, not sure what unit of measurement that is). I was about to do it but asked and he suggested avoiding the risk (risk is low, but still there). So, supposedly my blood will build back up in 2-4 weeks. Until then I'm tired, but I expected that after surgery, regardless.
I think I'm doing really well, considering. If I hadn't see pictures beforehand, I wouldn't be able to handle the way I look. But, I did and as it is now I just get nauseas looking at it. But Yaacov and I are viewing it as a temporary thing, and that makes a big difference. I was always a hideous pregnant person too, not like one of those cute women. So, I'm not unaccustomed to being a bit grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror. And, unlike my bald head, it's easy enough to hide the scars and pretend they don't exist. I realize that might not be the healthiest approach, but guess what? I don't care!!!
The pathology report should be in today or tomorrow. I will see Dr. Crooms at the end of the week so I figure he'll give me the results then if not before. He's been the one to tell me I had cancer, then that it spread. Please pray that this time the results show no cancer!!!!
I have to beg again that you will pray for my friend from church who I mentioned the other day. It sounds like her breast cancer is being diagnosed as Stage 4, with the metastasis in her liver, but I haven't heard that final part from her. She prayed for my during my journey, with no idea that she had cancer that was growing and spreading at the time. I can't help but feel this is a direct attack from Satan. We've been praying against his attacks throughout this, but not as much expecting them to be physical issues. Anyway, please pray with us that God will be glorified, magnified, and will reign supreme in this situation.
1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore; under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties onhim, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, wh has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM be the DOMINION forever and ever. Amen."
First of all, the physical pain from the surgery and recovery is nothing. I had heard that but didn't understand the extent to which it was true. I had a morphine pump at first and used it whenever I was awake, because I was sure the pain would come in and knock me down. It never did. The other procedures I had done hurt much worse than the mastectomy, and I've been off pain meds for two days now.
I thought that being at the hospital would be the one time I didn't have to "look out for me", but I was wrong, and I believe anyone having surgery (especially in Tallahassee) should remember that. For example, now that I've had lymphnodes removed I should never get needle pricks or blood pressure taken from that side. But for days they took blood pressure on the wrong side, and I didn't even think about it until a nurse noticed and told me. She put a big sign up, but after that someone still tried to take it from the wrong side TWICE.
On my last day a lot of things went wrong and they came in and took my blood. I assumed it was because of all the other problems so asked what they were looking for. It turned out they were supposed to have been taking my labs every day, but "forgot" the first two times. And no one noticed, of course.
There were a few more issues like that, but they all worked out so I hesitate to just destroy TMH. The lesson has been learned that I can never let my guard down, though. "Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
Dr. Crooms did the surgery, and as I've mentioned, I love him and trust him entirely. He took more lymphnodes than planned (wasn't sure how many), but not because they looked suspicious, just because they had previously been cancerous. That was cool, because I'd been praying about that but never actually asked him to take more, so I consider it another awesomely answered prayer. And, God put that desire in my heart to pray about in the first place. I'm not going to question why because that opens up doors to let Satan scare me about the answer. The reason doesn't matter. The fact that God put it in my heart to want it, I prayed about it, and it was done for me is enough. Mark 11: 22-24, "And Jesus answered them, 'Have faith in God. Truly, I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and thrown into the sea', and does not doubt in his heart, but believes what he says will come to pass, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours."
I started recovering fine, and on Sunday Dr. Crooms said I could either go home then or if I wanted to rest more I could leave Monday morning. Wild horses were not going to get me out of that hospital. I felt the only way to recover was to have people take care of me at the hospital, instead of turning back into a mommy at home. A few hours passed, and a nurse began hinting loudly that I should just go home. Still, I would not be moved or shaken. It was a really good thing I didn't go. All the sudden, we discovered a pool of blood, then my fever spiked and blood pressure dropped. I was lonely and it was scary, but God didn't leave me. I was really low on blood so couldn't stay awake to pray, but He doesn't require that we always stand at attention. Sometimes He provides rest and takes care of the drama. In this case I am convinced it was spiritual warfare, and I was on the right side. The winning side.
I still don't know exactly what happened. The nurse kept saying it was so great that I hadn't gone home. I'm on antibiotics but don't know if the blood culture came back as infected. Dr. Crooms said I could have a transfusion, but it wasn't required (my "count" was 25, not sure what unit of measurement that is). I was about to do it but asked and he suggested avoiding the risk (risk is low, but still there). So, supposedly my blood will build back up in 2-4 weeks. Until then I'm tired, but I expected that after surgery, regardless.
I think I'm doing really well, considering. If I hadn't see pictures beforehand, I wouldn't be able to handle the way I look. But, I did and as it is now I just get nauseas looking at it. But Yaacov and I are viewing it as a temporary thing, and that makes a big difference. I was always a hideous pregnant person too, not like one of those cute women. So, I'm not unaccustomed to being a bit grossed out by the sight of myself in the mirror. And, unlike my bald head, it's easy enough to hide the scars and pretend they don't exist. I realize that might not be the healthiest approach, but guess what? I don't care!!!
The pathology report should be in today or tomorrow. I will see Dr. Crooms at the end of the week so I figure he'll give me the results then if not before. He's been the one to tell me I had cancer, then that it spread. Please pray that this time the results show no cancer!!!!
I have to beg again that you will pray for my friend from church who I mentioned the other day. It sounds like her breast cancer is being diagnosed as Stage 4, with the metastasis in her liver, but I haven't heard that final part from her. She prayed for my during my journey, with no idea that she had cancer that was growing and spreading at the time. I can't help but feel this is a direct attack from Satan. We've been praying against his attacks throughout this, but not as much expecting them to be physical issues. Anyway, please pray with us that God will be glorified, magnified, and will reign supreme in this situation.
1 Peter 5:6-11
"Humble yourselves, therefore; under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties onhim, because he cares for you. Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him firm in your faith, knowing that the same kinds of suffering are being experienced by your brotherhood throughout the world. And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, wh has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you. To HIM be the DOMINION forever and ever. Amen."
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