Surgery Scheduled!

Great things have been going on since my last post. I got test results from the bloodwork Dr. Rassam took on Thursday. Both tumor marker tests came back lower than last time (they've stayed in normal ranges for a year now but had increased a bit within that range), and he also checked my thyroid. It came back high, as hypothyroidism. I read that chemo can cause this, and I'm just so glad to have a reason for some of my symptoms that it is a big relief.

I saw Dr. McAlpine yesterday and scheduled the ovary plus fallopian tube removal for April 29. He is going to start laproscopically, and if that works it will be an outpatient procedure with 3-7 day recovery. If he has to switch to normal surgery he's going to take my uterus too. Then it will be a longer recovery and short hospital stay. Dr. Rassam told me in the past that I would never be able to have hormone replacement therapy, but Dr. McAlpine said today that if things go well for the next decade or so I might be able to take some then. He also told me about some anti-depressants that can decrease hot flashes and such from the menopause I'll be going through. 

Dr. McAlpine felt around and said there's no palpable lump on my ovary, which is a good thing. He also said  that is not causing my abdominal pain, but he will poke around there during surgery and fix anything he finds. All in all, I'm happy with the news I've received lately and the treatment plan. I wish surgery was a little sooner but trust God, His timing is perfect. Yaacov had to cancel a business trip so he can be there that day, and I'm really grateful for his unconditional support. 

The Lord has really been there for me during this. I am not anxious and trust that I don't have cancer. I think the Tamoxifen caused the mass and after the surgery get to try a new medication. In the meantime I am praying for and expecting further protection from all the side effects of these drugs and procedures.

Last year I struggled so much with fear that I sometimes had trouble voicing my confidence in the Lord. This time He is very present and I trust Him regardless. This is a great chance to be bold about my God. I am really feeling good, mentally and physically and am praying that I will be a faithful example for my doctors and the other people who will follow my case.

1 Peter 2:15, "For it is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish people."

This peace that surpasses understanding

For anyone who doesn't have a lot of experience with cancer, you need to understand a bit. When you ask us how we feel, the answer is complicated. Compared to you, I bet we feel awful. But, it's been a really long time since we went felt truly healthy, so we're accustomed to feeling junky. And in my case, I'm happy to be alive and cancer-free, so I respond based on my feelings that moment, not with how I feel compared to a year ago.

I have nerve damage all over my core. Some of it hurts, some is numb. My stomach hurts when I cough, laugh, reach or sometimes breathe. I have frequent headaches, a small amount of lymphadema, hot flashes, am winded from jogging to the mailbox, seem to be retaining weight big time, have difficulty breathing, and if you take my shirt off I look like...a cancer patient.

I don't want to focus on these things. I can't focus on them and focus on God too. I can't focus on them and enjoy the moments with my children. So I could go through the rest of my life fearful of each ache and pain, losing sleep and getting weepy every time, or I can trust God. He has shown me He cares about me. He has shown me that love conquers all. I know that His grace is sufficient for me. That His power is made perfect in my weakness (2 Cor 12:9). In short, if you ask me how I'm doing, I'll tell you I'm great. I am not lying. I am great because I am yoked with the Lord God Almighty, who bears my burdens.

I started having stomach pains a month ago. I had an ultrasound and learned I have one enlarged ovary and one with a mass. The mass is not a cyst. It was hard to learn this, and the more I thought about it the more anxious I got. Yaacov and I prayed about it and felt like this was our chance to respond to trials differently--better. So we used self-control. We shifted focus from the potential bad things to other things. We recognized how much the enemy would want to destroy us right now, emotionally and physically. God has had so many great things arise through this journey with cancer. So many things that shed light on the prince of this world, that destroy the hopelessness that the enemy causes.

I was selected to be the honoree for this year's Card for a Cure campaign. That means a lot of press and opportunities to share what the Lord has done for me. What perfect timing for Satan to make it look like lies! Too bad for Satan, God gave me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I just saw Dr. Rassam and he told me it could be breast cancer (not very likely to have spread directly to there without a trail), ovarian cancer (statistically possible due to the BRCA 1 test, but not related to breast cancer, so the timing seems crazy to me), or nothing. I vote for nothing. We are in the process of scheduling my ovary removal and technically should know more then. However, I already am filled with all the knowledge I need: "In all things God works for the good of those who love Him, for those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28)

We wait in peace. This time we're not thinking about the worst case scenario. This time we're not doubting that God knows best, or loves each member of my family. This will not be the last health challenge I run into, but gone are the days that my health ruins family vacations or hinders relationships. We choose Christ, because He chose us.

In the Moment

Before Jesus came, people were expecting the Messiah to come and become a literal king of Israel, to free them from the physical powers and harm that were inflicted upon them. Then he came along and some people rejected him as a fraud, or because he threatened their way of living. For others he filled in the blanks, changed everything they thought they knew. For those people, there were lots of great moments that reinforced their new beliefs. There was some confusing talk about the future. Then he was killed. His body lay dead, like any other mortal--much ado about nothing.

I imagine the letdown and confusion they felt. It must have been the ultimate slap in the face to his followers. His body was in the tomb for three days. I wonder how many hours or days it took them to re-frame their understanding of the Messiah into the fact that he had died. We know that on the third day, when those ladies went to prepare his body, they weren't expecting the tomb to be empty. But I imagine that they still had that tiny bit of hope that the story wasn't really over.

Believer or not, I expect that everyone who has brushed up with mortality can relate to how the followers felt during those three days that Jesus' dead body lay in the tomb. They had been flying high with the clarity and freedom He brought. He took away the laws they hadn't even realized they were chained to and opened their eyes to the spirit behind the law. And suddenly overnight he had been killed. His enemies seemed to have won. Their worlds crashed in around them and everything they thought they knew was wrong. It didn't make any sense and there was no one left on earth who could clarify it for them. Haven't we all been there? Don't we all dream of being able to rewind time to the way it was before that moment? Then finally, we think we get some resolution. We stop dreaming of things like that, but He surprises us in better ways. We go to do the hardest thing ever, like anointing his body, and instead find an empty grave.

He is risen!
Luke 24:1-49

The awesome stranger at the Top Salon Contest

Awhile back I mentioned that I was going to be in a fashion show and a makeover contest, then I never followed up about them. Both events were great. The fashion show was a fundraiser for the Joanna Francis Living Well Foundation, which is a great group that gives funds to local women to help pay for the non-medical costs associated with their treatment.

The makeover was a really big deal that took me way out of my comfort zone. The first thing we did was take before pictures looking dowdy. I wore sweats, which I am not unfamiliar with. Then we made a video where I told the 5-minute version of the story. That was to increase the talk about the show. The model's story isn't a publicly judged part of the competition, but they felt that in the past people with good stories did better. I'm not sure if this link will work because it's through Facebook, but this is an attempt to link to the video. After that we picked out the snazziest outfit we could find because the models would be judged while on the catwalk in front of over 600 people. There were 4 judges and everyone in the audience got to vote too, but it was unclear what percent of the vote the audience comprised. We started the makeover 24 hours before the event and I looked different than I expected. I was surprised that the colors worked for me, but the final product looked good.

The experience was really nerve-wracking. A few weeks before I became very aware that we weren't going to win. Not to say the judging is a sham, but there were undertones that the event coordinators were really focusing on certain people. Then it happened that one salon was honored with a lifetime achievement award then happened to win the Top Salon Contest too.

When I realized it was very unlikely that we would win I was humbled. I had been on such a roll with God as of late, where I had been shown favoritism time after time that I sort of started to expect it. After a lifetime of being the least favorite, always second place, etc. I really enjoyed the change. I gave Him the credit but deep down there was some sort of pride that I had sort of done something right to deserve it. Like I had finally stumbled upon the magic trick to have an easy life. So, it was really good for me to not win. I found peace beforehand with the concept that while I thought we should win (the winner's story got published in Tallahassee magazine) to glorify God, God doesn't need any help being glorified. It's my job to do it, but not within my constructs of good and bad ideas. Within His.

"In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."--Prov 16:9

I prayed beforehand and felt that any ways I could draw attention to God's awesomeness would make that night/experience a success. We didn't win the contest but it was definitely successful. I got to know a lot of ladies from the salon (if you live in Tallahassee, go to Haute Headz, they are the best!), and had the opportunity to tell one of the other contestants about His miracle. Plus, I was reminded that people still remember me from last year. You might recall that back then I was getting recognized and stopped several times per day by people who were following my blog or praying for me. That has virtually stopped, but one highlight of the night was when it happened as I walked the runway: I was terrified, much more scared than I've been in a long time. My dress was sort of damaged so didn't fit properly so I had to be really cautious about showing my booty, and we had missed the practice and was unable to get any look at the runway before I walked down it. The cheering was so loud I never heard my music, which is what I had used to emphasize my "moves". Anyway, I couldn't see anyone because of the lights, and a few steps in someone (I couldn't get a good look but really think she was a stranger because no one I knew was sitting in that area) shouted some really inspiring words at me about what I'd been through. About how far God has brought me.

That was one of the most memorable moments of the night. I wonder if the woman realized I even heard her, let alone how much it meant to me. There was something intangible about it. It was just LOVE. Straight from above, for that moment I needed it. It takes me back to the days of strangers stopping me when I was bald and telling me I was beautiful. One time three people did it in one trip to the drugstore. Back then I noted it, but it just added a drop to my empty heart. Now I remember that stuff and hold it dearly. God used so many people to show me His love. He practically beat me over the head with it and I couldn't accept it.

"Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs on your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid, you are worth more than many sparrows."--Lk 12:6-7

It was so personal and timely, utterly encouraging. It also reminds me how amazing it has been for strangers and virtual strangers to support my family and me so much. That they would care so much about and for me. Thank-you to that woman for her devotion and support! Thank-you to the awesome ladies at Haute Headz who made me look amazing (pics below), Ashley Easom (hair), Darcy and Monique plus everyone else there, thanks to my amazing friends Christine Boulos, Caroline Fleischer, Jenni Cox, Jennifer & Justin Menendez, my awesome mom, and to my biggest fan of all, the incomparable Yaacov. He is the best husband I could hope for. We were made for each other and his strengths during this cancer journey bolstered my weaknesses so much, I can't imagine going through it with anyone else.

"Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ" --Gal 6:2

Yaacov and me. He was grinning all night so I will try to keep at least parts of the makeover up.

                                                             Awesome ladies of Haute Headz

                    Great friends who always support me: Caroline Fleischer, Christine Boulos and Jenni Cox

                                                                My mom is so cute.

  

Ashley did my hair, styled me, got me a tan and makeup person, and coordinated every part of the makeover.

What I'm Here For

A lot of people are dying of cancer. It is awful. Every day I hear of people who die or are about to die. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not one of them. I'm not the only one, either. You should see the look on people's faces when they haven't seen me in awhile. They expect me to look like I'm on death's door. They ask how I'm doing and are shocked when I tell them I'm healthy. When I complete my medical forms and the only pills I have to report taking are Tamoxifen and a sleeping pill, the doctors prod me, thinking I just refuse to take the others. But it is all true. God has brought me through this, against all odds. 

1 Peter 4:13 But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.

I know my job is to glorify Him. To share the story He blessed me with. But why me? I deserve it less, appreciate it less, report His awesomeness less, than many. Than most. I'm not complaining or anything, just recognizing my futility in this life.

Tonight He reminded me so clearly of three of the reasons: Yaacov and my babies. Day in and day out I am tired and struggle to get through the hours. I am crabby and impatient. I am no one's version of a perfect mom/wife. But I'm here. And I'm healthy. And I'm climbing a steeply uphill mountain toward perfection. Naomi just woke up screaming. I don't know what upset her, but I know what she needed. Mommy. She hugged me like a lifeline, so safe and secure. She knows she can count on me and I am so grateful. Because of God's compassionate nature, she wasn't ruined by the death of her mother as I feared, and instead has been blessed with my being perfectly healthy.

Every moment is a gift, whether you're like me and are on borrowed time because you were miraculously healed of a terminal disease, or you're healthy as a horse with nothing but time on your side. All these moments add up to equal our contributions to this world but we lose sight of that goal sometimes. We focus way too much on events that don't matter, and forget the impact of each tedious, boring, seemingly unimportant one.  

Matthew 7:7-11 - God is like a loving father who gives what his children need. If we ask, we will receive.

I pray that everyone who reads this will have an "Aha" moment tomorrow. Lord, hit us over the heads with reminders of your presence. Of your love. Your truth. Remind us how you treat us like your precious children or let us see the fruit of the love we have for you and your people.

2 Peter 1:10 Therefore, my brothers, be all the more eager to make your calling and election sure. For if you do these things, you will never fall,

God Will Move

My faith is weak right now. All around me I see heartache and sorrow among the people of faith. We all need to see Him move. To be reminded of His mightiness. Of His faithfulness. In the meantime we can remember what He's done, but it's not enough. We need more. We will claim His promises and wait with urgent expectation for them to be fulfilled.

Jeremiah 33:3, " Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

I can't tell you the passion I feel for this desire to see Him move. He still answers little prayers, which I know are faith-builders for the big ones, but He has filled me with a yearning for more. I have prayed with faith for the healing of so many lately, and we have not seen them healed. Yet.  It is not about me, I know that. But it is about Him. His word says He will not let His people be put to shame. So...where are the miracles? I don't even care if it's healing that we see, I just want to see something. And I know others do too. It is time.

"Then you will call, and the Lord will answer;  you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I." Isaiah 58:9

Sometimes people pray for things like this for selfish reasons, but I don't think mine are. It's not that I don't believe He can work, or will work. It's not that I even have a specific prayer that I'm pouting about Him not answering. It's that people think they have so little hope. It's hard to convince them otherwise. And it's not just nonbelievers, who don't know better. Every time He doesn't answer a prayer that we offer in faith it's like it puts a notch in the limb we've put ourselves out on. He knows that. He will move before the branch breaks...won't He?

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

Hebrews 11:6 says "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.". I am earnestly seeking Him and begging for the reward of seeing Him do something big. Only God is sovereign, and only He decides what "reward" it is that I will get, but I'm not going to stop asking. He has blessed me abundantly, but Abraham set a great example of asking boldly for more and more grace when He asked God to spare Sodom for the sake of a few (Gen 18:22-32). 

I have a long list of people who are very sick that I'm praying for. Please consider adding them to your prayer list too, and I will post updates about the amazing ways God responds.
First, there is a woman named Barbara with precious, young, grandchildren who was told she likely has extensive cancer in her abdomen and lots of organs. Last I knew she was hospitalized for the pain and things were not looking good. Next, there is a young lady named Jackie who is unmarried and always wanted a family, etc. She was just diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and they started her on chemo while in the hospital. She is healthy, not a smoker or anything like that. Another is a man named Ryan, whose wife posted a note on here and is praying for his miraculous healing from Stage 4 stomach cancer. He was diagnosed last year, when his daughter was born. He is currently in a lot of pain and has a scan on Monday. They have a blog you can follow at http://watersfamilyforum.blogspot.com/. Lastly for the new ones, I can't believe I didn't post this sooner, but my little niece, Nora, has a tentative diagnosis of craniosyntosis, which means her soft spot closed up too early. It's a huge deal because if that's what it is they need to open her skull before her brain grows to be too big for it's space. They found out on the one-year anniversary of their house burning down! Satan will do anything to destroy us! Anyway, she has a consultation with a surgeon on Monday. 
Please always keep praying for Debora P.'s healing, and Alison A., Jessica H., and my continued cancer-free health.
Two late praises are that: My friend Kristy, who has been struggling with lyme's disease for a very long time seems to have been healed. When I saw her she was claiming His victory over the enemy's apparent dominion in her body! Also, Alison had some symptoms of returning cancer a few weeks ago but a scan showed no cancer! He is definitely at work in all of us!

Psalm 50:15 “Sacrifice thank offerings to God,
    fulfill your vows to the Most High,
¹⁵ and call on me in the day of trouble;  I will deliver you, and you will honor me.”

One-Year Anniversary of Healing

It's been a year. A glorious year. A year with much less doubt and much more faith. A year of my being a better person, mother, wife, daughter, friend, and Christian because of my increased faith. A year without much fear, which I didn't even know I struggled with before my diagnosis.

I just read the blog I posted last February 2. I wrote it right after Dr. Rassam said those life-altering words--"It's gone, your cancer is all gone! I can't explain it. I've never seen anything like it!" Words that changed everything. Words that shouldn't have changed anything.

Nothing changed that day besides my understanding of who God is. He was always Good and that is still true. He performs huge miracles every day, but we don't all see them or remember to praise Him for them. He also allows sad things to happen, for our well-being and the good of mankind, but we are quick to assign blame and remember His role in that.

He is at work in all our lives. Sometimes we're more aware than others. As long as we're living there is still time to change our ways and turn to Him, but sometimes it's harder to hear that call. I learned a bit about leprosy from biblical days the other day and was surprised to discover I had experienced similar sensations during chemo. That leprosy differed than the more current understanding. The biggest thing is that people lost sensitivity in their bodies but didn't notice until something that should have caused noteworthy sensation didn't. Like they might have cut themselves or gotten hot water on themselves but couldn't feel it.

That leprosy happened to many, many people in the Bible until Elisha healed one person of it and later Jesus and the disciples healed many. It was such a clear parallel to the way our hearts are within us now. We slowly accept worldly values and become desensitized to sin until we're so immersed in it we don't even notice. But there's healing available for all of us. Sometimes crazy things like a girl being healed of cancer opens strikes a chord and jerks our heads back to where they should be (looking up at God). Sometimes God uses other things to get our attention. I pray that we all will remember the things that He does to slough off the dead parts of us before it is too late. I don't want others to have to go through horrendous experiences just to get re-focused. But most importantly, I don't want any of us to miss the lessons from our experiences and spend an eternity regretting it.

"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7